Making of a day...

As I take awhile by the reservoir in the middle of the night
well probably in the wee morning hours of 2am... the silence
some how felt comforting.
The cool air and the smell of the seletar forest was freshening.
But deep inside... I'm just very exhausted.
for days and weeks, tearing apart my brains to multi task has really been
not only stressful, it's been quite damaging actually.
I end up having sleepless nights with many tossing and turnings, and
the pressure build up to get all the stuff done in the choke.

Yet various fronts I'm fighting to keep together and many things buzzing my
brains out through my ears...
1) It's dawn upon the company that I am somehow that very person to bring in the
potentials of the company to the next level, even amid this recession. Both import and
exports the same. Finding niche arenas and building the foundation that wasn't there
even with the 26 years of age that the company has survived... Now that's shocking...
Designing new platforms in which a product can start reaching towards that people aren't
too aware of, and then comes the educating them phase that will be also trying towards the
'dinosaurs'. Designing and programming the website that was initially horrifying. The person
who even dared call himself a web designer doing that previous website should simply shoot
himself. Opening new opportunities with other country's people and bridging new partnership...
Setting up of a new manufacturing operation and budgeting for each and every damn thing that
flows within and not within my scope. Being a one man team to design each and every catalog and
advertising/marketing effort there is in the company....
All these....really all these have been just shoved in and made as a daily norm.... Madness....
which sane person can do all these with the normal working hours and 5 days a week? Crazy....
2) Daily checks of everybody's grammatical issues.... letters, orders, emails, contracts......blah blah blah
damn what have you....I'm like reading every other day until I get sick of words and words....
All to a point where I'd just see a big list of words in front of me and I crush it and dump in the bin.
I actually hit a point where I'd even do it to my boss's letters.
3) Worry about honey's studies and working environment with all the complains I'm hearing...and all the pain that
I hear.... Need to find a solution to that and find yet another placement. The worries actually end up becoming
assisting and being a part of the process....AND you can't really comment much which might have the
possibility of giving added stress or pressure...
4) Vibrating words of getting a car came in the once or twice a week dosage... (duno how is it not pressurizing
in the first place...because money simply doesn't drop from the sky) but I must say it's quite stressful with my
normal standards of wanting to meet expectations....
5) Fighting for the next level to grow the pocket somehow....working out on 2 project fronts and unfortunately, to make
things worst...recession hit during the R&D process, making much of the expenditure a hold on with no returns....
Fortunately one is seeing some light and awaiting constructive comments and decisions from abroad, but once
settled, I'd be consistently stripping wires and doing self assembly...which the other is currently alot of sitting down
to think on technical issues and constrains and then comes the expensive building phase.....
6) White hair growing exponentially, with all the load of stuff with little time, which constant pressurizing humming
and the lack of sleep....
7) Wondering if she does even listen enough to know the things I've been going through.....like everyday was a rush
was exhausting and with every step taken has been just to hopefully settle things down with her.
......
I think my aggression and temper has simmered quite abit through all these times.... the shot gun rage has been controlled
pretty much....
The reach to understand and embrace the situation of others has become more forthcoming....
But the returns to be not taken for granted is still in question.....
That's why my sense of consciousness returns back to where I am....sitting by the reservoir this wee hours in the morning
clicking to vent.
working out has yet become my point of letting go, but to the point of my being tired to the extreme....

What else is there to do?.... Goodness, help me somebody!

what goes down....tries to come up...

It's been days
It's been weeks
since my fingers start to type streams
A flow of words of thoughts
like a rushing river
from an up hill to the down bubbly lake...

The roaring power and tumbling water
calls out words of my heart
the thoughts of my mind
yet with alittle silence of my soul...
For the weeks that come
rough days, heavy mind and less fun
The days passings bring confusion and much wonder
Much things to ponder
Like how the world turns
The ticks and tocks of a lass
Just to work our smiles with my best...
Sometimes, it seems nothing is enough
sometimes it seems doing nothing is enough
sometimes it seems thinking of something is tough
sometimes I wished, a little spice
some salt and pepper too much
a raging fire that builds inside
angering fumes blew the skies
with no water or rain to soothe
but kerosene and fuel to boost...
Blazes roar an oven within
even smoke swirled a darkness in
no chimney out
no exhaust spout
holding inside the words I hide
And then....
Then they were lost
Lost to burnt out ashes...
Much as I try
but pressures out cry
tomorrow brings more
to a bursting balloon
exploding just about soon...
....
Sigh... I'd really wonder sometimes though, when can I just learn to say 'yes' even if it was with uncertainty?
Even if it was just all empty? Just to save the moment and think about beyond later....
The problem is, now....I can't seem to do so...
practical sanity hits...
I just need to set the plans right...
Need to see past the toils and troubles
To work what I've aimed for...
It's coming....soon it's coming...
forget what is boiling...
at work or with gambling crazed relations
neither with attitude I never saw reasons for....
just bad days...some days where you even try will not bring a plus...
gratitude not shown...warm embrace all kept...
I'll just need back a day or two to find...
find myself and put all behind
Coz the tomorrow I see
is the work of future I'll be
Bringing 2 or 3 or maybe 4 folds to bank my monthly bucks....
To work to think and to bring....I will...

Away with the depressing heart...

Frustrated

Seems like a zillion years since I last blogged something...
Somehow a sudden frustration seem to build up...
With issues of people who gamble and now in need of cash come knocking on the doors...
They seem to make it our problem when they are in trouble and try to send us on a guilt trip for
not helping if they threaten to take a dive.

My number one rule...invest, don't gamble...
It's a darn stupid thing when even the experts who go into the market and yet make a big lost,
while the idiots who know next to nothing about what economics and shares are all about,
start to freaking go in to try their luck. After losing a sum, it's a double or nothing game.
What in the world are they thinking?
Now everyone around these sickening block heads who never seem to wanna get out of the shithole
are basically implicated into their problem, some emotionally weaker ones are traumatized by the whole
"I think I wanna jump" kinda attitude which might jolly well be an act at the end of the freaking day.

Like my late grandpa used to say in cantonese...to gamblers ... "To win, it's your take, to lose, it's our problem"
"Don't ever be the borrower nor the lender...either ways, it's a losing end"
Quite true because when you lend to these gambling freaks, you can simply forget about the take back.
It's a cold hard world in the minds of these madness people. Argh....it's getting on my nerves!

I finally completed a whole list of catalogs that has to be customized for the use by the company...
All works of Adobe Photoshop and my finger clicking...
Totally time consuming, eye straining and alot of writing and through on the design and structure put into it.
I think there must be a point in time where I have to simply make it like I take a higher cut for my pay to do these
kind of stuff and in addition to all my managerial/technical design engineer work...
The truth is....I'm really darn tired these days...
From days of my insomnia to the days now that I'm so hard up for sleep.

Yet on the other hand, I'm trying to get my other commodities going through trials and tests by the management of my
target customers, and planning the other routes to hit at once the less innovative suckers start to copy.
It's like everyday seems to be a day where I cannot simply let free my mind...
Think one way is to just try to see how I can get my back fixed and at least I can get back into running....where the few moments would be all about finishing the distance and every breath that I take....Nothing else....

Sigh....such a big sweep of issues for the start of december....

Even my dearest one has got some issues to 'chat' with me about but yet cannot be now and anytime earlier....has to be 3
sucky days later. God knows what in the world the agenda is gona be and why does it even have to be like 3 darn days later...
So that I won't lose my freaking mind at work? or so that I won't trash around for answers consistently through the rest of
the week? Well I think either ways...I'm already losing my freaking mind with the sickening suspense and the wanting
to know what in the world is it all about.
It's not like there is no way to control that between two people....
It's not like it cannot be said earlier....
It's not like there isn't any main agenda and reason to the whole 'chat'...
So why put me through this whole thing? It's cruelty... and I jolly well hate it because
it's not like I don't give a shit....
it's not like I don't open up to know
it's not like I'm not openly willing to listen....
I can't stand uncertainty...
I can't stand what I don't know...
Ever thought why I do anything, everything and try even if it's going to burn the hell out of me?
Because I want to experience it and see how to better the system and be able to deal with many things....well as much as possible.
Maybe it all wasn't thought of before putting me through this mental wait and torment...
truly it's the most painful thing that one (those who mean something to me) can put me through....by not being direct...
and beating about the bush....
ARgh!!!
I'm raging!!!
RAGING FIRE!

Have been kinda tired out lately...
influx of things to get done...
Targets to meet...well personal targets for survival that is...
And it seems like I'm always seeing my darn SAF100 facing me every 6mths....it's either
facing the camp or the darn letter.
Feels like it's so soon!

Need a break....need alittle break...

Well of course not my back....
for that, I'll need a crack for relief...
I think the coming marathon will be a problem.
Oh well....just try and see how it goes...just don't say die!
:p

It's been quite awhile since I last entered anything....
busy lately. Helping Jacelyn with her project write ups after write ups. Totally at the brim with all the things to think about.
I'm currently restructuring my company's website, which is really horrid. It's one of the lousiest website I've ever seen.
Can't imagine they even paid for it! Being asked to build their industrial division, considering the fact that I'm the only one
in the company who knows what in the world is going on with all those equipments and industrial pumps and blowers.
The potentials of them all are basically assessed by me and of coz...the man says he is too, but then again...he knows just abit.
Hardly enough to design anything at all.

Can't imagine a person who simply knows that a pump is something that sucks and pushes water and a blower is something that sucks and pushes air can even sell such industrial parts for few years. From what I know, it's probably just selling what people want. But what people asks of a possibility....rarely gets any returns for answers. I know that for sure. ONE BIG practice is,
"ACT BLUR" or "RUN AWAY FROM CALLS". superb experts. funny how things even lasted that long.

Sigh.....sad case...

Well anyway, after 1 whole year....after that turning point where they made a hoohaa over me 'over paying 2 workers' when I've actually budgeted in the entire costing for a servicing business which actually earned them a net profit of at least $900~$1k in 3.5hrs to 4hrs max....
my research works are finally done and I'm beginning to get prepared on the creation of my new proprietorship...
But an online one...dealing with a niche area and in someways....modification of machines yet coming up with alternatives to counter the need of any machines....confusing huh....well...hahaha, that's the interesting part to it all.
The concept lies in this ideology....
selling stamps and increasing its cost is easier than making people buy their own transport to delivery their mails even when the costs always remain the same....which is then again, totally not possible in economic terms.
Simple? well it sure is. dwell in this alittle and you will see the light in one way or another.
Really exciting....these few months...will be a hellova time! Seriously.

cheers!

I guess it's been real long since I last added something here...
Super busy lately...thinking for my own biz future and getting this prep up before I leave for USA.

Anyway, now I'm in USA...
Super long flight!
It was about 24hrs...hmm actually more...

Singapore-Narita Tokyo-San Francisco-New York JFK

So sickening...felt like ping pong ball being thrown from plane to plane...
Yet you can't really sleep because you have to keep changing flights.
Oh well....checked into New Yorker Hotel Ramada... isn't some 5 star hotel but it's a good
executive business hotel in the heart of Manhattan with just a walk to Madison Gardens and Time Square...
And of course, just beside Empire State Building...
Later I go see if can find the remains of King Kong's pubic hair lying around the side brick walls of the building
as he climbed...hehe...

But the cab fair here...it's freaking no joke at all! USD$160 just to get from JFK airport to Manhattan...damn madness!
Oh well...it's 2.29am in the morning here on the 2nd of sept...time to turn in and wake up at 9 to get the Saugerties towards
Rhinecliff via the Amtrak Subway...another 2hr ride away...crazy.

It's been really long since I last did much with Adobe...
This picture actually wasn't taken in front of any painting....but now it does seem alittle like that...
hahahaa....
An illusion created that makes Jacelyn and myself pop out of the scene...

quite cool eh...

:p

Without risk, U R Undefeatable, but without risk, there is no victory

In times like this...
I just have to find something that is real reachable,
long term and stable...
But that takes alot of research.
So tiring... :p

Title for today; the very saying that I live by.

For these few days, I've recovered back some investment capital and should be on
for the profits soon.

I think I'll churn them into my soon to fire website biz...
yet again, there are so much corners to cover in that area and to step very carefully
on the 'danger waters'.
However, I think it's worth it, because if all things go through, the time and money spent researching
and testings to develop a product of my own would be all worth it...
Imagine creating a niche product of my own....hmmmm....well
making it into reality soon!

Have to also think of packing them and stuff like that, so that for the simple non-costly item
brings much better value...


:)

A new week to go! lots to work on!