Making of a day...

As I take awhile by the reservoir in the middle of the night
well probably in the wee morning hours of 2am... the silence
some how felt comforting.
The cool air and the smell of the seletar forest was freshening.
But deep inside... I'm just very exhausted.
for days and weeks, tearing apart my brains to multi task has really been
not only stressful, it's been quite damaging actually.
I end up having sleepless nights with many tossing and turnings, and
the pressure build up to get all the stuff done in the choke.

Yet various fronts I'm fighting to keep together and many things buzzing my
brains out through my ears...
1) It's dawn upon the company that I am somehow that very person to bring in the
potentials of the company to the next level, even amid this recession. Both import and
exports the same. Finding niche arenas and building the foundation that wasn't there
even with the 26 years of age that the company has survived... Now that's shocking...
Designing new platforms in which a product can start reaching towards that people aren't
too aware of, and then comes the educating them phase that will be also trying towards the
'dinosaurs'. Designing and programming the website that was initially horrifying. The person
who even dared call himself a web designer doing that previous website should simply shoot
himself. Opening new opportunities with other country's people and bridging new partnership...
Setting up of a new manufacturing operation and budgeting for each and every damn thing that
flows within and not within my scope. Being a one man team to design each and every catalog and
advertising/marketing effort there is in the company....
All these....really all these have been just shoved in and made as a daily norm.... Madness....
which sane person can do all these with the normal working hours and 5 days a week? Crazy....
2) Daily checks of everybody's grammatical issues.... letters, orders, emails, contracts......blah blah blah
damn what have you....I'm like reading every other day until I get sick of words and words....
All to a point where I'd just see a big list of words in front of me and I crush it and dump in the bin.
I actually hit a point where I'd even do it to my boss's letters.
3) Worry about honey's studies and working environment with all the complains I'm hearing...and all the pain that
I hear.... Need to find a solution to that and find yet another placement. The worries actually end up becoming
assisting and being a part of the process....AND you can't really comment much which might have the
possibility of giving added stress or pressure...
4) Vibrating words of getting a car came in the once or twice a week dosage... (duno how is it not pressurizing
in the first place...because money simply doesn't drop from the sky) but I must say it's quite stressful with my
normal standards of wanting to meet expectations....
5) Fighting for the next level to grow the pocket somehow....working out on 2 project fronts and unfortunately, to make
things worst...recession hit during the R&D process, making much of the expenditure a hold on with no returns....
Fortunately one is seeing some light and awaiting constructive comments and decisions from abroad, but once
settled, I'd be consistently stripping wires and doing self assembly...which the other is currently alot of sitting down
to think on technical issues and constrains and then comes the expensive building phase.....
6) White hair growing exponentially, with all the load of stuff with little time, which constant pressurizing humming
and the lack of sleep....
7) Wondering if she does even listen enough to know the things I've been going through.....like everyday was a rush
was exhausting and with every step taken has been just to hopefully settle things down with her.
......
I think my aggression and temper has simmered quite abit through all these times.... the shot gun rage has been controlled
pretty much....
The reach to understand and embrace the situation of others has become more forthcoming....
But the returns to be not taken for granted is still in question.....
That's why my sense of consciousness returns back to where I am....sitting by the reservoir this wee hours in the morning
clicking to vent.
working out has yet become my point of letting go, but to the point of my being tired to the extreme....

What else is there to do?.... Goodness, help me somebody!

what goes down....tries to come up...

It's been days
It's been weeks
since my fingers start to type streams
A flow of words of thoughts
like a rushing river
from an up hill to the down bubbly lake...

The roaring power and tumbling water
calls out words of my heart
the thoughts of my mind
yet with alittle silence of my soul...
For the weeks that come
rough days, heavy mind and less fun
The days passings bring confusion and much wonder
Much things to ponder
Like how the world turns
The ticks and tocks of a lass
Just to work our smiles with my best...
Sometimes, it seems nothing is enough
sometimes it seems doing nothing is enough
sometimes it seems thinking of something is tough
sometimes I wished, a little spice
some salt and pepper too much
a raging fire that builds inside
angering fumes blew the skies
with no water or rain to soothe
but kerosene and fuel to boost...
Blazes roar an oven within
even smoke swirled a darkness in
no chimney out
no exhaust spout
holding inside the words I hide
And then....
Then they were lost
Lost to burnt out ashes...
Much as I try
but pressures out cry
tomorrow brings more
to a bursting balloon
exploding just about soon...
....
Sigh... I'd really wonder sometimes though, when can I just learn to say 'yes' even if it was with uncertainty?
Even if it was just all empty? Just to save the moment and think about beyond later....
The problem is, now....I can't seem to do so...
practical sanity hits...
I just need to set the plans right...
Need to see past the toils and troubles
To work what I've aimed for...
It's coming....soon it's coming...
forget what is boiling...
at work or with gambling crazed relations
neither with attitude I never saw reasons for....
just bad days...some days where you even try will not bring a plus...
gratitude not shown...warm embrace all kept...
I'll just need back a day or two to find...
find myself and put all behind
Coz the tomorrow I see
is the work of future I'll be
Bringing 2 or 3 or maybe 4 folds to bank my monthly bucks....
To work to think and to bring....I will...

Away with the depressing heart...

Frustrated

Seems like a zillion years since I last blogged something...
Somehow a sudden frustration seem to build up...
With issues of people who gamble and now in need of cash come knocking on the doors...
They seem to make it our problem when they are in trouble and try to send us on a guilt trip for
not helping if they threaten to take a dive.

My number one rule...invest, don't gamble...
It's a darn stupid thing when even the experts who go into the market and yet make a big lost,
while the idiots who know next to nothing about what economics and shares are all about,
start to freaking go in to try their luck. After losing a sum, it's a double or nothing game.
What in the world are they thinking?
Now everyone around these sickening block heads who never seem to wanna get out of the shithole
are basically implicated into their problem, some emotionally weaker ones are traumatized by the whole
"I think I wanna jump" kinda attitude which might jolly well be an act at the end of the freaking day.

Like my late grandpa used to say in cantonese...to gamblers ... "To win, it's your take, to lose, it's our problem"
"Don't ever be the borrower nor the lender...either ways, it's a losing end"
Quite true because when you lend to these gambling freaks, you can simply forget about the take back.
It's a cold hard world in the minds of these madness people. Argh....it's getting on my nerves!

I finally completed a whole list of catalogs that has to be customized for the use by the company...
All works of Adobe Photoshop and my finger clicking...
Totally time consuming, eye straining and alot of writing and through on the design and structure put into it.
I think there must be a point in time where I have to simply make it like I take a higher cut for my pay to do these
kind of stuff and in addition to all my managerial/technical design engineer work...
The truth is....I'm really darn tired these days...
From days of my insomnia to the days now that I'm so hard up for sleep.

Yet on the other hand, I'm trying to get my other commodities going through trials and tests by the management of my
target customers, and planning the other routes to hit at once the less innovative suckers start to copy.
It's like everyday seems to be a day where I cannot simply let free my mind...
Think one way is to just try to see how I can get my back fixed and at least I can get back into running....where the few moments would be all about finishing the distance and every breath that I take....Nothing else....

Sigh....such a big sweep of issues for the start of december....

Even my dearest one has got some issues to 'chat' with me about but yet cannot be now and anytime earlier....has to be 3
sucky days later. God knows what in the world the agenda is gona be and why does it even have to be like 3 darn days later...
So that I won't lose my freaking mind at work? or so that I won't trash around for answers consistently through the rest of
the week? Well I think either ways...I'm already losing my freaking mind with the sickening suspense and the wanting
to know what in the world is it all about.
It's not like there is no way to control that between two people....
It's not like it cannot be said earlier....
It's not like there isn't any main agenda and reason to the whole 'chat'...
So why put me through this whole thing? It's cruelty... and I jolly well hate it because
it's not like I don't give a shit....
it's not like I don't open up to know
it's not like I'm not openly willing to listen....
I can't stand uncertainty...
I can't stand what I don't know...
Ever thought why I do anything, everything and try even if it's going to burn the hell out of me?
Because I want to experience it and see how to better the system and be able to deal with many things....well as much as possible.
Maybe it all wasn't thought of before putting me through this mental wait and torment...
truly it's the most painful thing that one (those who mean something to me) can put me through....by not being direct...
and beating about the bush....
ARgh!!!
I'm raging!!!
RAGING FIRE!

Have been kinda tired out lately...
influx of things to get done...
Targets to meet...well personal targets for survival that is...
And it seems like I'm always seeing my darn SAF100 facing me every 6mths....it's either
facing the camp or the darn letter.
Feels like it's so soon!

Need a break....need alittle break...

Well of course not my back....
for that, I'll need a crack for relief...
I think the coming marathon will be a problem.
Oh well....just try and see how it goes...just don't say die!
:p

It's been quite awhile since I last entered anything....
busy lately. Helping Jacelyn with her project write ups after write ups. Totally at the brim with all the things to think about.
I'm currently restructuring my company's website, which is really horrid. It's one of the lousiest website I've ever seen.
Can't imagine they even paid for it! Being asked to build their industrial division, considering the fact that I'm the only one
in the company who knows what in the world is going on with all those equipments and industrial pumps and blowers.
The potentials of them all are basically assessed by me and of coz...the man says he is too, but then again...he knows just abit.
Hardly enough to design anything at all.

Can't imagine a person who simply knows that a pump is something that sucks and pushes water and a blower is something that sucks and pushes air can even sell such industrial parts for few years. From what I know, it's probably just selling what people want. But what people asks of a possibility....rarely gets any returns for answers. I know that for sure. ONE BIG practice is,
"ACT BLUR" or "RUN AWAY FROM CALLS". superb experts. funny how things even lasted that long.

Sigh.....sad case...

Well anyway, after 1 whole year....after that turning point where they made a hoohaa over me 'over paying 2 workers' when I've actually budgeted in the entire costing for a servicing business which actually earned them a net profit of at least $900~$1k in 3.5hrs to 4hrs max....
my research works are finally done and I'm beginning to get prepared on the creation of my new proprietorship...
But an online one...dealing with a niche area and in someways....modification of machines yet coming up with alternatives to counter the need of any machines....confusing huh....well...hahaha, that's the interesting part to it all.
The concept lies in this ideology....
selling stamps and increasing its cost is easier than making people buy their own transport to delivery their mails even when the costs always remain the same....which is then again, totally not possible in economic terms.
Simple? well it sure is. dwell in this alittle and you will see the light in one way or another.
Really exciting....these few months...will be a hellova time! Seriously.

cheers!

I guess it's been real long since I last added something here...
Super busy lately...thinking for my own biz future and getting this prep up before I leave for USA.

Anyway, now I'm in USA...
Super long flight!
It was about 24hrs...hmm actually more...

Singapore-Narita Tokyo-San Francisco-New York JFK

So sickening...felt like ping pong ball being thrown from plane to plane...
Yet you can't really sleep because you have to keep changing flights.
Oh well....checked into New Yorker Hotel Ramada... isn't some 5 star hotel but it's a good
executive business hotel in the heart of Manhattan with just a walk to Madison Gardens and Time Square...
And of course, just beside Empire State Building...
Later I go see if can find the remains of King Kong's pubic hair lying around the side brick walls of the building
as he climbed...hehe...

But the cab fair here...it's freaking no joke at all! USD$160 just to get from JFK airport to Manhattan...damn madness!
Oh well...it's 2.29am in the morning here on the 2nd of sept...time to turn in and wake up at 9 to get the Saugerties towards
Rhinecliff via the Amtrak Subway...another 2hr ride away...crazy.

It's been really long since I last did much with Adobe...
This picture actually wasn't taken in front of any painting....but now it does seem alittle like that...
hahahaa....
An illusion created that makes Jacelyn and myself pop out of the scene...

quite cool eh...

:p

Without risk, U R Undefeatable, but without risk, there is no victory

In times like this...
I just have to find something that is real reachable,
long term and stable...
But that takes alot of research.
So tiring... :p

Title for today; the very saying that I live by.

For these few days, I've recovered back some investment capital and should be on
for the profits soon.

I think I'll churn them into my soon to fire website biz...
yet again, there are so much corners to cover in that area and to step very carefully
on the 'danger waters'.
However, I think it's worth it, because if all things go through, the time and money spent researching
and testings to develop a product of my own would be all worth it...
Imagine creating a niche product of my own....hmmmm....well
making it into reality soon!

Have to also think of packing them and stuff like that, so that for the simple non-costly item
brings much better value...


:)

A new week to go! lots to work on!

2 Long hard weeks...
many many missions
much more tormenting mental challenge put in...
finally, it's been all cleared off well.
CO made great comments about me being someone very dependable
and really know my stuff well...
but really? do I?
Don't really think so....maybe I just have the acquired skill of making a good
smoke screen.

Well maybe I'm just one person who can't really register whatever that is not practical to me....
probably certain things doesn't make operational sense to me...but still...
if people want to hear it...I just give it....and there...
I piece the entire load worth of smoke into the brief and planning
having all present think I was jack shit good with the whole understanding....
but....erhmm...it was my 3 'C' tact...but good... :p

I guess on the overall, I just enjoyed out field where time passed faster and having to work
on practical missions to take my mind off time that I couldn't be with jacelyn.

There were some times when I couldn't even make contact with her to have a chat...
now that was not too nice...
Really felt uneasy. I simply can't imagine myself as a regular in the arm forces...
I'd probably go crazy.

Anyway...it's the end of yet another training phase...and I just really want to see my sweetheart soon.

Pity I can't see her today with her arrangements made with her sec sch friend....
but understood...it's been a long time for the frenz to meet so....let it be.

I just hope tomorrow is good and the day after...

I just miss her so much...

Ok after tonite and a day of tomorrow...
I'll be off to green land...
2 weeks of hardcore reservist training.
Just found out this term's mission...
It so doesn't seem too fine. Live on Red bull? Having it fill my blood streams to take it all?
Well we'll see..

But tonight's dinner was great. Well I felt it was great.
No matter what...ambience, service quality, food type and exclusiveness in a change of taste...
all to the top.
Of course ah....the bill was also to the top.
But I reckon it was worth it... really hope Jacelyn and her mum really enjoyed themselves with the 2 time
display of Fire works from the national day practice...
Romantic atmosphere with a touch of first time live experience for her mum from the way I see it...
but it was a good feeling.

Having good food for the 14 days of combat crap food I've to take down...Ewww... totally not for human. :p
So what if they specially prepare some for officers... I hate army food anyway. hahaha....

Oh well...
I'm really gona miss my darling while I'm in there...
like I'm gona burst out of the camp any time just to give her a hug and a kiss to make my day.
Aiyah but will survive wan lah... Hohohoo...

A build up of frustration was overwhelming, but strangely it was difficult to just describe it in words at that very moment.
It was boiling and hard to tell.... how could it be that my dear would've known?....
Maybe it was just purely a miscomm somewhere or a lack of communication on that matter...
Goes the same when she was feeling so.

But anyhow, most importantly, we both learnt something and how to deal with somethings with regards to the both of us.

I guess....I should just learn how to deal with the way Jacelyn sees things to be.

Walk with me...

Walk with me this trying road
Walk with me through hills with load
Walk with me the storms beyond
Walk with me through brightness and torn
Walk with me this life...
Journey with me as my sweet darling ****...

:p

Jacelyn says "I feel happy when you cook for me...XinFu"

The words that made my day...
Something where interest/hobby comes in tie with what means and appreciated by others...
Where the least trying effort becomes something of good worth, especially to one that matters most.
:)

Sense & Sensitivity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The motion of senses arises
issues of sensitivity hovers in notion
where and how would it be the crossing line of
being understanding and being a possessive jerk...

sometimes it can come to a point of wonder...
To bother or not to bother?
Probably the point of not bothering is what they call
"no go zone" where in windsurfing, once you've crossed
the line, you tend to be stranded and not being able to get back to motion.

I was once asked "Am I just being too nonchalant about how others feel?"
Well I was left unable to really answer that to the point.
Basically, it's very much based on a variety of perspectives.
Well most of the time it's very much about how 2 parties view the issues to be.
But in any case, understanding is the main header to solve the problems of both worlds.
And yet, to finally attain that position, at least some assistance from across to help see the reasons
would be most helpful to show some care in making ends meet and to have a tie down.
Well of course I do get questions on "why are you so insensitive?"
Sometimes it's a speech that I'd deliberately make to hit my point in something, and only the lease of times
if things happened to be not very much in proper place, my mind is messed up for the moments and having
a wave of glitches.
I just live by the saying that "To lay your heart and mind with one who can hurt you most, is trusting that one won't"
Keeping that in view...
I guess, I'm much happier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day started in some gloom, I don't know what but yes there are dark clouds hovering the 3rd floor of my office building.
With this person get scolding and that person get shouted at...
And I walked in with a very stern and firm look, after some initial calling blast for my name, silence set in.
They were anticipating on what I was about to say...
But I just left a folio on the table and walked off, now that moment is simple being nonchalant about who thinks what...
I just glided off the owner table without more than 5 words "I've nothing to report" even though I actually do, but I was just
not interested somehow.
That is especially after knowing, in my return to office this morning, there were many things that I've done and have been overwritten. Decisions that I've set and plannings that I've scheduled for the day retimed and to only be informed as I'm thinking of setting off....
What kinda shit practice is this?

I'm seriously raging today...my mood really isn't good...really....
Some body cool me down...please...?
Think for the moment I need some soothing... :p
To take me away from this sense of feeling crappy for the day....

As I spent the moments lying down...
having a horrid back pain....I was thinking..
If I may start of a viable business that doesn't require much capital...and yet makes off hand extra cash...
hmmm....sounds good right?

coz I think for now...
my words may not say...
but slowly my mood tells of slight depressed feelings here and there...
somehow... I need a good change.
For my future and for the future of the love of my life...
I need to change to reach for more...
I need more.
Seriously...

The little quietness...
my mind goes into thought....
the plan of 5 years down the road is beginning once again...
I've gotten this far, I want to go further...
so far...I think, I'll hit my mark...I still see it...and I will want it.

Hmmmm....
but for the while...I'll just flow down into a comforting confidence 'sofa' to just ease myself alittle...
and release the frustration and depression....
and then I'll spring back up....
I'm just tired.

Ok now...alittle update for the while...

Just came back from my so so nice holiday, but obviously not enough...
It was simply fabulous. Even left my soul there when I returned to Narita, Tokyo and then Singapore.

I think everyday Jacelyn and I was like eating and eating non-stop!
Ice-cream almost everyday, from the normal creamy hokkaido ice-cream to the one with
lavender fragrance and then to the 5 level ice-cream.... putting on the extra in case anyone puncture a tire already...
:p

Every stop over I was bringing in food and more food into the bus....totally loaded with food, snacks and puffs....cream puffs...

Basically every meal there was sashimi and raw goodies...but of course, the premium stuff....
I freaking paid through my nose....imagine an almost SGD$280 for some basket of hand picked live seafood!
The alaskan king crab, big scallops, sea urchin, orange prawns, abalone...all live and swimming and there the
monstrous me making a fresh meal out of them....erhmm.....raw deal!

And the next buster was the A grade Kobe Beef that melts in your mouth when you first bite it...SGD$100+ per 200gm
Shit that's all madness...but oh well, not like you get that in Singapore with the best and top grade whacky skill
of preparing those good stuff....

The weather in Hokkaido was apparently damn good for me...but damn cold for Jace already.
Lowest of 9 degrees and the highest of 22 degrees....it's like about the aircon of my own office room...
about 16 degrees...shiok! hahaa...but I was the only idiot walking around in berms and a polo-T most of the time
with a shivering darling by my side and just trying to keep her warm with my jacket.

Oh yes....and the hot spring....it was great too...but it just got my hotter...and I was simply perspiring in the cold
with just a single layer T-shirt having a stroll outside...
better still, standing by the lake and awaiting for the 15mins of firing fire works in the dark evening...
Romantic huh...hahaha...

Ahhh...the shopping...not really my great thing, but seeing my darlin' just swifting around looking for her birthday present...
and totally enjoying it was a sight! Trying on all the bags she grabs hold...the clothes that were in the burberry store,
simply....awwww....well...good. Nice feeling to have her find something she really likes and just pay for it, instead of guessing
it through and ending up with something hmmm.... not so wanted at the end of the day.

And now...just trying to put together and sort out the 700+ photos we took on the trip....
wah totally headache this one is....hahahaa...but yet still, it's fun.
hahaha :p

Now...where to next?....hmmmmm......

And I'm going to Japan with Jacelyn!!!
WooHooooo!!!!!!

Finally my holiday is here....
oh please don't end so quickly.... :p

For the moment... I think I'm just sitting by feeling depressed...
What about?...probably many things in mind.
My character...--> to find something, to define something and to know something...

I think sometimes it's really hard to be just perfect...
Especially when you feel that you're taken for granted.
Then the question comes..."Why is it like that?"
"So how does the great one up there play a part in this?"

Well, Really, I don't know...
like a game...
Life it is...
You give your best,
You try your best...
But the end seems like a dim tunnel...
Even when there is so much heart...
So much soul placed into everything...
you find that there isn't much that comes from it...
Try not to bother too much?
Try not to care too much?
Just be the irresponsible jerk and be selfish?
Just be nonchalant on time priority?
Well...I could, but yet I can't...
The irony of life it is...

Like a stage play I'd want a break from for the moment, but yet somehow I find that I can't...
Maybe it's true...
I'm meant to be lonewolf...
on the roam in this world...
Maybe...as it was said to me before...
Sigh...

Sometimes... in the midst of the rushes
the turmoil of piling issues dragging you for attention...
priority of things in your life comes into play...

And here...I see...
at a different point in life...
various things takes on a different level positioning in you
and in place, they affect you emotionally

Well...maybe, that's what that is happening to me....
somehow...
certain things...I'm starting to really consider the options...
and for others, I might just feel the pinch about being buried
by the mindful things that come with it...

But anyway.....I think sometimes too...I need someone to tell me
what to do and where to go...
be blinded for awhile....just a little while...