And so I'll say...
once more...
it wasn't meant to be...
If there was a reduction of me to nothing...
Then so be it...
Character clash...
stumble of perspectives...

To begin was the end of something else I valued so much more...
I have that in such a state
only pains me even more...
which way can I go?...
in comfort I'd give off signals in a wrong way
and thus a bigger pain soon to come...
in hardness I break up one
spoils whatever I am....
whoever I am...
But the hurt...won't be long lasting like the other...

and soon I'll hated and forgotten...
and the pain i you fades away...

And so...there I'll be...

reminded of the very reasons why
to hear and to accept
such cross over dealings from close to affection...
I'd never wanna step into...not now...not ever...

I can't take it....I can't...
and I know I can't.

Suddenly I feel tired...
Suddenly I've been shaken...
Like no matter how much I try to focus...
Things I hoped so much don't happen...
Washed me like the very wave that killed a part of me in a split years ago...

The aches and squeezes at every artery pump....

Sometimes there are things I just don't wanna see...
I don't wanna hear...
just run...
yes...may be I'd just need that...

it's been sometime since I last did that neverending run...just run...

Find myself back again after a weekend...
thought it was supposed to be the other way...
but anyhow...
funny how things can turn against you...

oh life.... BRING IT ON!

"I miss you
I miss being overwhelmed by you...
And I need rescu
I think I'm fading away...
But I keep think that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear.
I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room

So I wait and I wait....

...

I miss you
I miss talking all night long with you
And I need this to find a way to your home
My love can you hear me
Have I been hoping loud enough, wishing hard enough
Can you see me when I'm asleep all alone..."

I looked forward in coming back...
But in returning I find myself alone...
oh maybe not...just accompanied by notes and books...
A weekend of reminders...
weekend of happy moments...
Weekend of a new beginnings...
weekend of pain....
weekend of all emotional feelings put together...
Now somehow I'd just wanna fade away...

Sometimes I really wonder if somethings I see about a person is worth to share and worth to care...
Things either turned to loggers or just pure unjust emotional feelings...
So much for wanting to care
So much for bothering...

And sometimes I'd just wanna turn away...
But I've been asked...."Do you really want to turn your back on them?...yet if you do something you may get fired back"
And I replied to God in prayer..."Some pains are probably worth it..."

sitting by my desk... I wondered...after being knocked around by questions on r/s....
hmmm...actually...I duno when is it the time for me...lol
Coz the time is never straight forward with a sign placed there...
rather...it's a feeling that comes.
Last week...someone asked me...how is it that I'm remainding single when
there are quite a few girl friends around who are single and avail...
Well...I can't really answer that...maybe...I guess when one is like a sister to me...
like some in the hall... they will always be one.
Some are friends and buddies to me...they will always be one....
But when it comes to crossing that border... it will mean a different treatment... and somehow...
the imperfect me...can't deal with a change in attitude to those who were buddies and sistas...
somehow... that's what I reckon....damn it...but God might just make me eat my words again....hahaaa...he made me do so once
not sure when the next will come. It's an opening FAther!... =)

Anyway... the week of jialat hell...isolationism in progress....damn it....so much for it being a V-day week...with me filled with all these stupid tests and stuff... I've gotta start saving...start thinking how to make my freelancing ideas work harder.
and make a mark soon after I grad. hahahaa.....WoooHoooo!!!!

ok...here we go Kenneth!!! Let's go!!!!
Engine starting up now!...
this week is gona get busy busy busy!....
prob no pausal time...
full speed ahead!...

broke broke broke....
month's broke feeling....lol
damn it...spending too much...
and money from proj isn't in yet! OMG....
been doing too much funny stuff....trying too much madness stuff....hahaha....
I'm getting crazy...

strangely after having slept....
I can't get myself to start off studying....argh!!!...madness

Today my phone has become hot line...
Many SMSes...Many calls...
hahahaa...
some for chitchat...some for problem talk....so for biz...and some on shopping spree and did like to have
my opinion. hahaa...
next time I pick up.... "Yes operator speaking" I'll go....lol

Fatigue just kicked in...
And there I lay...
motionless...
Mindless....just a body....
mind in an empty space...
and I waste the day away...
like a dead man of the day...
the hours swifted pass
and then I saw night again.

Waking up...
I'm missing certain moments...
certain people...
certain touch...
certain voices...
like I'd always like them around...

oh well...

I've got NS call up for June!....
A 5 day "dunno what the hell they going to ask me to do" ICT.
Bring it on!
Shit duno if I can fit into my uniform now....hahahaa

A shocking day a good surprise...
It was great to be a cook...for all of you people...
It's even better feeling to have all of you enjoy the new stuff I created...
I welcome comments from all....
for future improvements!
bring it on!

Hey Thanks, Ja, Paul and Richie for all these....
It may have already been like weeks back...but you all have hit me with an impact...
really didn't expect the cake that I loved so much but...aye...Ja....too much for me to have to down at a go....
it's madness lah.... hahaaa...

But anyway...Thanks all!

Hope you all liked what you had and it was all to your liking.. next time probably come up with smthing else then! hahahaaa.

"If I had castles built on high
I'd find a million ways
to write yoour name
Against the sky
Just to let you know,
you've caught my eye
And if I had more than
wealth could buy
I'd sell it all and start again
for just a chance with you
Girl, I'd given my all to win your love
And I would be rich
And I would built all
my world around you
Just to show you
How to take my breath away
And you would find love, sweet lady
Nobody else this side of heaven knows
How you take my breath away
If I could turn the day to night
If I had faith to walk on water
Maybe you would see,
the reason I thank God for miracles
Cause baby when you walk into sight
You turned an ordinary man
like me into a king
I would do anything to wind your love
I think there's something
here worth sayin'
I don't want to scare you
So let me make my wish
and hope that you believe
In simple love, like I do
Say that it's true, baby
Cause you've got me shakin'
My breath has now been taken
I've got to overcome this achin'
To win your love"

Nice day... got out for a gd class...
somehow today i was like a blackhole...
knowing that today is gona be a great day
somehow I was having a constant smile on my face....
like it's like crammed on there....hahahaa

Went for a haircut today!

WooHooo....
and was visited by a client for my freelancing thingy.
all in all, I've already gotten 3 people contacting me about it. That's fast!...
Just about a day after sending out the softcopy of the biz card. lol....

And a nice surprise visit from Mag!
Shocked me at the door...
but it was a good feelin'. =)

people who aren't near or around the corner coming down...
dropping by the room... very nice!
And later I'll be having yet another group of friends comin' over again...but this time is for some advice on Biz ideas....
cool day!


=)

"There's no more waiting
Holding out for love
You are my Godsend
That I have been forever dreaming of
My angel from above
Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you
What is this feeling
I've never known before
That I should touch you
Swearing to surrender ever more
That's what I came here for
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in a wonderful daze
Lost in your wonderful ways"

=)

I take a moment of silence to reflect the day....
bring in my thoughts...
what's been circling around me meant...
my mind...
my soul....
Paul...you've got to know that there are times, you love a person so much, but yet hate at the same time...
my context... in those moments you love the person so much that you hate the fact that you can't live without the person.
You can never escape the person...
Your probably next topic...
There is much to think about but placing it in a moment of thought....
this is what I've got.

Getting back to my head...
Don't know what's with this salsa feelin'...
the feelin' of grooving to salsa music or some cuban dance mix...
it's just feeling like I'm free...
=)

mid week...it's just about half way more to go...
Wasn't too difficult was it...? =)

And today...
I'm reviving my Graphic Design and Sound editing Freelancing!!
Just made me biz cards!
So....Graphics stuff...or prints for anything....c'mon make this your starting point....ask me.... =)

I've been staring at this page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for awhile
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried?
My secrets and yours shared on a silver try
Hey now...
I guess the night's just bringing you down
There's no love, there no hate...
All I leave them here for you to take
But whatever I've been saying...
Was a piece of my heart.

Sitting by the side of the table...
listening to the soft soothing sounds of "book of love"
played skillfully on a saxophone...
sipping on strained mocha espresso...
setting my mind on my surroundings...
awaken my senses...
Oh I miss sleep...
I wish to sleep tonight...
shutting off to the darkness of the world...
the knocking out of my mind...
But wait, if it's ever best...
I may just dream...
moments that could ever happen to me...
elements of emotional risk...
My enjoyment of singularity...
my yearn for company...
...
a head lifted high...
a confident guy...
a strong willed...
but behind there is always a need...
but hey...it's not time...
oh yes it's not time...

in due time things will fall in place...
like leaves settling on the earth
after some time of gliding and swifting
in the gradual calmness of the air...
though some times it can be so difficult...
but yet it could be so on the other side...
spikes....
spikes of my life...
jabs of my heart...
aches of my mind...
there I stand...
at the end of the day...
in will I'd smile the heart to bring light...

Damn....today is great....good day....lol....Wooohoo!
Can one imagine out of the blue I came upon a point of earning 350 just by talking and not doing anything!!!
does that sound good or what!...lol

Shit money is good when the karma is good...
it just comes when I need it so.
hahahaa...just when I thought I was just about to get real poor this month.... well this could be a good set for next month I guess...
some gd stuff to buy....hahaaa
oh wait....am I hearing the retail therapy?... Oooops

Today i suddenly had the butt shake feeling for salsa....madness but heck I like....hahahaaaa
Boogie!

"An image of your face
runs into my head...
over and over again...
how's it now?
is tomorrow going to be hard on you?
I don't know
but here I stay I prayer
I seek the highest
blessing you with better tomorrows.
How I've little time
but through it all I care...
wishing it's all alright
yes over there on your side...
I shut my eyes
I see and remember the times
when you were beside me
through my difficult times...
off and on it went
and patiently you listened
and understood...
every moment that passed
seemed like it's been decades
that I last saw you...
You somehow have been a part of my life...
that remains as a spark that can't fade...
sometimes as I sit alone in my empty room
tired from the day's work and rushes...
I wished you appear right before my eyes
so I can see your smile...
that warms my heart
and I believe everyone else around you too...
coz to me...it's been long...
so very long...
and the clock ticks every day away to weeks and months...
oh those precious moments
I tear as I wish I'd not need to do without...
I want to say I miss you so...
but yet somehow I can't...
what is it for my special thing
when even that I can't do...
so I just sit and pray for you in my heart..."

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave my hand to hold
taken beyond where
I could see
but was released and a fall I go
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
but now I am invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of life
I must be invincible. . .
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
but love is risk I would take
If I had known that then
my eyes are wide open
I still believe I would've missed it
But it's always a blessing
never a curse.

A set of irish cream
I dash of little happy food
and a drop of banana choco
a good set of mix for a happy heart.

=)

It's great to see the difference that can be made.

I closed my eyes and I thank God for a great guides he has given me...
1) my mind (rebellious but careful)
2) my dad (analytical and simple)
3) the support of mum. =)
4) God himself for giving me great chances...good or bad.

yet another mixture of wonderous becoming...
taking life learning at warp speed...
=)

In chatting... I realised how much I've changed myself...
being positive and the thing about SMILES!
way different from what I was in a moment in time back....
it feels good....in fact....great.

Spreading it....and making people feel so, feels even better.
and the smiles they give are yet comforting.
Perspectives in life changes over time.... though the vision stays
the route to it takes a warping bold move into another path...
and sometimes it's a good thing...in this case it is.

Love life...
and life will be good....
think negative...and whatever improvements there is will never be enough...

taking some time to think...
I found the life I led...
is yet way different from many...
and it leaves people in surprise...even myself...
could be called as crazy...
could be said as eventful but whacky...
it all depends...
you live that moment only once...
without commitments, it's always worth giving it a shot...
coz in future when you want to, you might not be able to.
taken risk in my own finances, my physical self...my emotional self...
so far it earned me quite alot...
and it doesn't have to be getting richer in monetary value but rather richer in experience
something that people can't take away...
it makes the difference between you and me...

V-day's comin'....alone?.... well...there is yet much to be done...
but yet, I think... it can be another great day putting aside all the other stresses of tests the following day...
spending time and have the little things for those who matter most...
in fact...if in daily...you reach out to as many...it matters more than just a day...
Life is good!
=)

Tough week ahead and pulling up my pants....I'm braving this storm...
friday will be a nice chill out day by the pool side in the evening and see how my creation has gone...
good or bad...we'll see the results on people's face....lol....
cheers!

where it all started...

We smiled, that's how it all started
And you came right in time
When I needed someone
And we said hello
Suddenly, my heart was beating fast
At the mirror you fix your hair and put your makeup on
You're insecure about what clothes to wear
I see nothing wrong
To me you look so beautiful
even when you can't make up your mind
It's half past eight, it's getting late
Oh It's OK, take your time
Standing here my hands in my pockets
Like I have a thousand times
Thinking back it took one breath
One word to change my life
The first time I saw you it felt like coming home
If I never told you I just want you to know
You had me from hello

Sometimes in life...
the expected keeps us going...
moving on from day to day
giving us the push in so many ways...
It is yet the unexpected changes our lives
giving the twist of fate...
Often in realisation in what we were either once blinded
or have taken for granted.

Here I stand out of the many worldly troubles I used to have...
I see those in pain, in suffering...
but yet to some extence there is nothing I can do...
only to be comfort...
only to be there...
only to show that in us, we can be stronger than we think we are.

Walking off the recent journey I saw how weak I once became.
I saw how I could be brought down to the ground by...
I saw what was it that really tore me apart...
It was probably yet again me...
so much for the practical mind, that allowed impracticality sip through
in view of certain desired possibilities...
Not that I didn't see troubles coming out of an action...
but I'd just take the risk anyway for the hope of proving myself wrong...
wrong in certain stuff...
I've challenged myself so much through 9yrs of my life...
physically especially... and now I want to place the challenge against me mentally?...
It's madness but it sparks self realisation...
Fortunately nature is such..
that you can be down...but there is no way you can stay there too long...
you'll bounce up to greater heights...
And there....
there's now I will reach...
it's how I feel I'm getting stronger...
Maybe then, there has been a reason to all these...
I guess this should be it...

There afar I should see my light coming nearer as everyday approaches...
every tomorrow is brighter...
every today is a breeze...
and every yesterday...
a good memory.

Even as the water flows...
flows into forgotten rivers...
I keep the understanding to my question...
how is it easy to some to let go of a ball so easily after picking it up....
Well...actually the answer could just be simply said as...
one enjoys purely on the rolling in of balls into grip and spoiled for choice and colours...
and so the call of "keeping the balls rolling" comes...
no matter how... it's never long enough to realise the uniqueness of every individual...
so none ever suiting...keeping in mind that with every moutain, there is always another yet higher...just unfound.
keeps will never be. so as contentment.
Well only after learning.