Tired...

What a day it's been...
Reaching work so early in the morning...and getting out of office even later than normal...
ridiculous!
My mind just went for a shut down...
After speaking to the Div Vice prez, Uncle Chow, I learnt some valueable lessons concerning the field of engineering...
"The thing about engineering is to do wonders with simple ideas... a complicated product can be done by anyone"... and the explanation of the Tao symbol..."Everything in life goes in a cycle, balance in a circular motion... And in any peaceful and smooth flowing process there is an element of risk, yet there is always a spark of opportunity in the midst of adversity..."
Some cool teachings huh....hahaa....

Soon as I reached home, I tumbled down on my room floor and just went to a short session of deep sleep...
tired....exhausted....suddenly my body just let go of everything and shutdown...
Flashes of how I felt my break up uncontrollably struck my mind...
the feelings rushed in...and thus I write.....

~Simple joys, hopes and sorrow all at once break
like ripples on the shore of the deep and solemn river
where my willing feet firmly stood...
Oh I see you in my dreams
passing through my soul and then
leaving me, you went away...
leaving me incomplete...
And though our parting seems like yesterday,
daily life tries to soften of its bitter pain
and while learning this aching experience
I hope...
For the touch of grief
will render my nature more serene,
giving life to new aspirations,
a new trust in the unseen.
Hope and faith, born of my sorrow
pillars in my life they shall become
and the foundation on which they stand
shall be my heart.
Never have I felt wasted in any moment with you.
I'm not as good as you thought me to be,
But...
I've tired to do right...
And now it seems like it's too late to even try
to do better in your darling eyes.
It's a comfort yet to know that someone
has once loved me
only the way you did...
More than anything in the world,
I used to think I couldn't let you go...
Slowly I'm learning to feel I didn't lose you
and that you're more to me than before...
When and if you turn to me,
I won't fail you...
and if it's hard at times to be alone,
please remember that I've not forgotten you...~

why is it so difficult?...

Why is it so difficult to let down what you've picked up once before...?
Realising my very state of mind... realising the situation I am in...
I find that my shattered heart can lie to myself no more...
the more I think about it...the more I'd wish for her to be by my side...
now it has reached a stage where I don't know how to express myself when I see her...
coz I'm not sure how to....I've been too used to treat her with affection...
as a friend...beside me... I try to hold back all my actions of affections towards her...
such that my muscles simply cramp at pose not knowing what's the next full action to be...
body confusions....

~Oh gentle winds beneath the moonlit skies
Do you not hear my heart cries?
Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
Do you not hear my woeful screams?
Upon meadows, touched with dew
Do you not see my heart's a'skew?
And under the vast skies of million stars
Do you not feel my jagged scars?
My heart...
Scattered across the moonlit skies
All with heartfelt sighs
Drifting in the gentle rain
A symbol of my silen pain
It's lost among the stars this night
Too far to ease my quiet fright
Oh no gentle winds
seek not my heart
For very simply....
It has...
I am...
my gentle heart...
has torn apart...~

My dedication...

As I sat down by the windy beach side...
The breeze and the rushing of the waves...
then a little white dog came by...
reminded me of the day when you and I first came to the beach
with a little dog too...a little white dog...
somehow u keep coming to mind... somehow there's something
left attached to you...
My heart... and thus I write....

~The sky can collapse on us
and the earth can cave
Little does it matter to me if you love me
My surrounding disappears...

As long as love flood my morning
As my body will quiver beneath your hands
Problems matter so little
My dear 'coz you love me...

I'd go through and way pass my limits
To the ends of the earth
beyond the sights of the horizon
if you asked me to...

To just be for us...
perfect for you for me
taking things on a slow
one step at a time...~

"I wouldn't say that I can't live without you...
but I chose not to...
No matter how much it takes..."

minzie cuts

just passed midnite..
Min got a cut on her foot...
Didn't hear the SMS comin' in while I was on the way home...
I was worried when I got to know about it.
the very next reaction was to get out of my house and see how she was

maybe I'd just go down and see her tomorrow... or maybe get her some chee cheong fan too...
her craving for that. But that depends on what time work is done for me...
Hope it's just a cut...nothing more than that...

Today I just told myself....
Kenneth, just be spontaneous in what you wanna do.
don't think of the results of it.
My run last night brought in something about myself...
I bring myself a better sense of accomplishment doing something
I feel like doing that moment...
like NIKE... 'just do it'...

I felt myself running down an endless road.
Not knowing when it will end..
the thing is...it won't. there are always other roads to come to keep the distance there...
Only I decide when the journey ends, even when I can't decide when the road ends...
how far you want to get through things...it all depends on myself...
and no matter the distance... it some how still going to be worth it...

I can't help but...

...........................................................................................................................................................................
Mi Mancherai I will miss you
Perché vai via? Why are you going away?
Perché l'amore in te se spento? Why has the love in you died?
Perché? Why?
Non cambierà niente lo so Nothing will change i know
E dentro sento te And inside I feel you....
...........................................................................................................................................................................


~To watch you leaving....
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into my soul.
As a stake from the garden tears
into this warm dark earth...
Knowing all the while that never again
will I fit myself
warm and heart flutters
against your smooth back
and your sweet smelling neck.
Nor hear your steady breathing
and beating of your heart...
aware in every moment of my days
that my dreams, my future,
once tied with silken ribbons to yours
will never come to be.
And the mornings once so silent
so blissful and hopeful,
us gazing at each other's eyes with smiles
and gentle touches that comes after,
in hall or at home...
are now but small pieces of my past...
To watch you leaving is to know
my lost of place on this earth, my heart's home.
that I now a new nomad
alone and torn.
And in my troubled dreams
watch you leave...
again and again...
the pain and the tears comes daily..
All with you leaving...~

morning aches...

This morning, I woke up to an unexpected aching....
The aching of my heart...What is it?...
A dream Or something that my mind captured the day before
and thus playing my body chemistry, hitting at my emotions?
Oh darn I really don't know...
Maybe...
Maybe silence winds a troubled mind...
A silence between us....
Thas is shaking my very consciousness...
I know, you consistantly feelt he lack of connectivity...
To you everything is about connectivity...
But have you thought that if only you'd let yourself loose
Let your great expectations be alittle more fluid,
you'd be a happier person?
Nobody in this world is perfect...
I'm not...and there is no way I can be...
Even this world isn't perfect to begin with.
Sometimes I'd wish that you just let go
Sometimes I'd wish that you'll find the meaning of life
In it's simplicity.
I love you and I love you very much...
Not because of lust nor just beauty...
Not because of taking you for a fling
Or some short term joy ride....
But rather for the person that you are
And the person you make me want to be.
Some may believe that there is no such thing
as changing for the one you love...
No such thing as making long term adjustments to fit the one you love...
But I believe otherwise.
I'm willing if my love is willing to accept things and give time...
Allowance basically...
Anyway...saying all these, would all this still matter to you?
Am I being blocked away from you?
Blocked by the coldness of your heart....
you somehow make me feel so...
well I guess you'd not want to bother.
I hope one day you'll just simply realize what I mean...
But then maybe you don't wish to see it...
Living in the fantasy world of perfection...
perfect to your own conception...fitting to you only...
Sigh...

today...I also..
remembered the first musical movie I every bought....
was RENT...the feeling I felt buying it.
I didn't know how it was....was it good or not...
had no questions... the point was you said it was good..and you wanted to catch it so much...
I went around looking for it the moment I heard it...
finally found it and purchased...
the excitment bringing it back to you for a surprise...
so much for "thousand sweet kisses"...

a funny thing...

I say love is a funny thing...

well..

~I might have been blind in loving
And see the signs you’re giving
I have ignored every crashing
Now I’m on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your dance is full of grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide

I have been wrong about you
thought I could be strong without you
For so long
Nothing could move me
For so long
Nothing could change me
Only you...~

Times with you feels golden no matter what we maybe...it doesn't matter...
All that there is... I salvage I keep hold. Precious touch sweetness scents...the undying emotional feeling of completeness of the day...
Somethings that you'd not understand 'til you've felt it... the empowering experience...
that lights of the fire within a man in exhausion...
a fusion of psychological and body chemicals within one body...
It all makes whatever there is and to be holding on to worthwhile...

~~The wind that softly blows
changing my destiny this night
And that I feel my heart
will be surprised again
yet by my own actions...

By hurt or joy...
sadness or happiness...

But life then has more meaning
looking into the immense sky
Oh the enamored moon
illuminated by me
yes it will be..
Coz' I now am fire

Suddenly in the night, love
like the sea
Invades my heart and soul
With every moment with you...
And it will save me
Then the air in me will speak to me of you...

Then I hope the lost light be born within me once again...~~


14th night was good...if not great. Though we may not be, but unknowingly, emotional warmth just flows through... to give comfort and with that I surrender in acceptance...
You're my poison yet my pill...just the irony of this imperfect world...
*smiles*

My acridgashes

~Moments you put me through..
with me loving you like a fool
I would give it I really mean it
time and effort are just my tools..
I'd go crazy to know that you
ain't feeling all that much too well
I'd be your shell oh baby can't you tell
I need you to love me
And I love you more...~

Oh crap a day it's been... exhausion... the maddening rage building inside of me...
confined in the flying tube with wings I can't do yet a thing...
It's just burning inside... burning burning...the combustion just churning...
A wait for an explosion to come...never know when it's gona hit...
I need a coolant...to bring down the fire... and all cutting like barbwire..

Am I going to warp back into the hard...tough.. stone cold masking?...
She was my strength my light...
like the power of the red sun
but yet still my kryptonite...

I have to fight this...I can't let this be
can't let this become of me...
What's it with her and being grouchy these days?... some kinda habit during the holidays?...
Too free isn't good...To busy isn't good either... how is it then to strike a balance in her?...
Only she can deal with it...
Wherever I stood...no matter where I maybe...I'd be there...contactable to her...
when she needs someone to complain things about...
to bitch about... anything at all...but why is it that from that...she turned to being grouchy...
and stay grouchy and treat it like everyone is pissing her off including me when there was nothing I could do...and nothing I did...
all I did was to be there...
If you don't want me to be there for you girl...
tell me so...
I'd just disappear...
to stay friends? what friends?....you treat your friends this way?...
i don't know either...
anyway it's all about you...just you...
your choice...
Though it's like my heart's acridgashes...
aching with all emo slashes...
If it means you feeling better...then so be it...

~All I'd give...
would be roses with petals falling to the ground to smoothen your way...
your well liked Mentos to freshen your day...
and like foot thongs to keep you protected and you dance through
your journey day by day...~

Thinking...of you...

Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This and That.
My Life that day.
That dream was mine.
You gave me light
like I was being struck my lightning
awaken I was.
Burning so hot, so intensely
exploding every emotions in me...
like a star the dark pitch black sky
You were a star in my eyes
Yet like stars...your intensity's gone...
Loosening the pull of you to me...
Dry it became thus came friction.
Leaving me dazed, confused...
and without true reality
There lonesome I sat...
wondering....
just wondering....
and reaching out into the emptiness...
for the star that once lit my way in life....
will there be a birth of new light in this darkness?...
I sit alone...just waiting....

Home coming...

Exhausion brought me into some trance...
head was swaying and suddenly I saw everything like a whirlpool....
The very next moment was darkness....
didn't know I just knocked out for a straight 3hrs! hahaa...but woke up to a bad dream...

Something about me and dreams somehow...
a spark in that other world
and the twitch of my eyelids...
getting me to fear what could be coming...directly or indirectly to me...
lucky thing this time there wasn't anything wrong with my eyelids...phew!

hahaa...

Anyway...it's about time...in a couple of hours...I'd be home bound...back to the place I'd call home... within closer radius of people I care for and the person I wanna care for and be as near as possible to.
closer the range the better...

Sigh...I miss her so...
she told me she lack rest today...her grouchiness..and the nagging of her mum...
wish I could just take it all away and have those upon me while she keeps her smiles and joy.
finaly to the end of her day...when she can take a break and finally rest...Alas! noisy people shakes her mind giving her no rest...and she's feverish...
catching a cold I guess....
probably from sunday's rain...
wanna take care of her... watch over her....as she sleeps...taking away all the distractions and disturbance and let her rest like a baby...

"Oh lord...may the discomfort and sleepless nights
befall me instead of those I care for...
For I'd better deal with it as I've already been in it all along...
One man takes on the rest...while
they keep the best..."

"Their smiles are already a comfort to my heart..."

Oh yes...today I got a call from some modelling agency...asking me to join them...
damn it they must be blind folks....
me?...whata hell right?... =/
go there and paiseh...

To toulouse

Reaching the place of destination for work....
that's where work begins through and through..
where is the stop?
Well I don't know got no idea...
I'm not the boss
that put me here!

Ok now I'm kinda getting alittle exhausted. need to re-energize myself. Freezing cold everywhere these days...maybe even the once hot desert might be freezing up...hahaa
My lovely girl has got dance today and I hope no hurt or injuries befalls her... always want her safe.

Somehow I do see myself in her...like she to dance and me in the past to water sports...
Pain, tired, rushy...whatever it is...still must go. Coz' whatever the case is...it somehow eases the mind for those moments.
Well I used to take windsurfing as a form of dance art on the water...making the smooth stunts...flips 3m above water level...or some 360 turns and stuff like that...
like a dances on a water stage when u view across the vast sea horizon...
you'd feel like you're taking flight any moment and you're just free...free to the speed that only you know you can reach.
Well liking the adrenaline and things like that was really secondary...what was most important was you weren't thinking about anything else...just on what you're doing that very moment.
That's when I found myself...
that's when I see myself in struggles...
in pain...excitment... rage... holding some fighting spirit...
the determination to get to where I wanna be. and not just getting there is how I get there.
It's gotta be good. wanted to be the best...best in my league.
And was I, well only the people who saw can tell...
trophies...medals...they mean nothing... it's how the people I brought together...saw me...that was important. Coz' they are probably the one who will live long the dreams I had when the injuries on me just start to take over... Doing what I used to do?....I can never reach where I was again. Good to pass it on.

The way I see her dance... may not be the pros...but it's somewhat better coz it's with expression... with feeling... like a very part of her. Though panting in exhaustion, she moves in those beautiful steps to make the whole art piece wonderful...
Art...is acquired... it doesn't matter how people see it to be...it's what you see it to be that make you different from the rest...
And she is different. Could see her tired in a dance but filled with life...

hahaa...well...swaying from what happens to me today to talking about her once again....

Can't help it...what's there to say about me work?...just work..get done.
I guess I miss her so much, she doesn't know...
it doesn't matter... So long I know she is well and happy... having her smile is more important.

right Kenneth?...
right... =)

It's been trying...

In a long period when I could just sit and do some thinking of my own...
Where everything else stops revolving only the matters of heart and my mind...
I found that there are things that I've been prepared to giving everything for
but doesn't work out...yet there are things I've got absolutely no idea about just pops
into the stillness of my life and stirs things up.
My life has been just a dream... some dream where I wish I'd just wanna wake up from
and want to make things right.
Third day... away from love...

I've yearned to kiss her on her cool lips
hugging her with full emotions
filling my heart with warmth and gladness...
I yearn back those moments when I could just sit in daze looking at her...
sniffing around the sweet aroma by her neck and whispering love to her ears...
I miss those things...

L'amour est douleur...
Love is pain...
yet I'd want to go through it...
the tears I shed...
the aches I experienced
from every heart beat I felt....

I guess I should be lucky enough
that she has once loved me and
even had the thoughts of marry
but that was just a vision...

Some vision...

Enough to bring me up high...
but of course to fall with greater impact.

Those were the very moments I cherished and I wish come back...
As I imagine it all before me,
trust me unknowingly I actually did reach out in front of me
thinking that it was her I could feel...
But nothing...it was the cold air...
pure emptiness...

Oh well...
I guess she is getting on fine without me...seemingly happy...I hope she is
with the fact that I'm in pain...to make my pain worth...I hope she is happy...

sigh...

what's bliss? can anyone just tell me?
Felt I forgotting that already...it just vanished into the cracking heart of mine...
I just need to explode..!

getting on a day...

It's been a day....
a day without the drive i used to have
a day when I don't keep track of time to get off work...
coz it just became unimportant altogether...
what else was it for me to look forward into?
the truth is...nothing...
wonder how she is...
just do...
sigh...
picking up was easy...but seemingly though I hope I'm wrong....
letting go was also easy for her...
seemed so easy...

my aches...my heart aches so much..
with every ticking seconds of the today....

it was more than her moodiness.. I'm just being shattered once again

Tell my faults now
I want to know
Though I've changed
And why you'd go
I need to see your face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who breaks my love and brings me tears
Whose love for I'd undyingly fight
Now I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you said to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I let you go
I let you fly
I'm not going to be asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

illness combo and a dash of mood swings

Argh the illness....
puking...giddiness...fever....all a combo...just nothing with the runny nose yet...gona be a big combo.
Sigh...hate it feeling the weakness... rather go to work and after that being able to pop by to see my girl at her work place. or at times surprise her after her work...
I did think of doing so today at night.. 'til I started the vomitting...
damn it...
Can you imagine me shivering?...damn I've always been a heated up person and can take winter climate without a problem....but these 2 days...I've been shivering through even if there wasn't any wind and being covered with the blanket...
This is insane!

Feeling my dear girl's moodiness...wonder is there any reason to it...
Did I say or do something wrong? or was it because I didn't do anything at all?...
well maybe it's the time of the month...that really spoils the moods of girls...
I hope to find a way to cheer her up...
thinking hard on it...
but this feeling of physical weakness i getting in the way...
gotta recover fast first...then tmr at least there is a talk of see how things goes...

gotta rest...

Fever!

Wow yesterday was some nice relaxing day... just out with my girl...
unfortunately her 'Auntie' came and made her kinda upset alittle...but overall it was still good.
Esp going to the Dog farm and all at the farm way2 in the east.
Huskies were so cute!
One day...just one day I'll own one myself. And it'll be a very majestic one....

Anyway...today was darn tiring... having to clear lotsa stuff.
From trying to fight against my duty travel to a screwed up place...to redoing some investigation tabulation which took me 2 weeks to do and now I've got to rush for it... and my annual scholarship report. Worst... I reached a high time of the day when my body heat just increased rapidly and voila...a 40 degrees fever... all at work...
So killing me...

Sigh...going to catch the doc soon...

Pity my darling's day wasn't good too....serving so many indian nationales all the way at the airport terminal 1's DFS... somehow I can feel for her coz I used to work as a waiter and dealing with these people...is really a pain...
And I guess for her....her manager there wasn't too friendly or probably a manager who can't manage her staff well and a character that has gone through much analization. Which makes her now just crap.

I hope she is feeling better now....after work...
just needs some good rest, a dash of bitching and complaining ...and it'll all be better tomorrow..

but somehow I've got a sense that's telling me that something is not pretty right...
maybe I'm just thinking too much...in the bad weather...the heat...
brains either getting over sensitive of just degrading into craziness...

For me, I guess I'm down...
the fever suddenly got me weak and did have some fainting spells along the way out of the darn crowded and conjested work place.

I expected it coming somehow... drank so much water but yet couldn't prevent it...
my heatiness....now I'm just feeling cold....in fact I'm actually shivering even with the still air...
argh...this sucks.

Help me!!!!

down low....rock bottom

What is it?...
I'm at the brim...
rocking by the edge of the fence...
How long can I stay
How long will I sway...
No longer knowing where all these leads to;
I tried so hard and got this far,
but now I still see everything's like char
crap it is..
rubbish it is...
this academic life is simply my waste...
Now my tongue has lost taste..
taste to everything and anything...
Just no mood to take the next step;
What's the next step anyway?...
I no longer know...
I NEED SOME ANSWERS!!!
Where art thou?
Are you up there watching over me?
Are you goin' to tell me you've got other plans for me?
c'mon...leading the life of the unwanted
or simply a wonderer?
Lonesome, empty, cold and dark?
Tell me...just tell me...
Show me a sign!!!

I've been already hit twice on the same spot
what could be worst?...
Bring it on!
I've got nothing to lose...
suppress me if you must and just let me grow again...stronger....
tougher...
but a terror inside...
and on fire!


NTU...what the hell is this place?...
pissed crap lecturers...
trying to make a difference when they don't look into the mirror
to find themselves unable to guide...
unable to teach...
They should jolly well go for NIE and fail there first before thinking of joining the academic line.
NTU a school?....university?
I guess not...more of an industry of robotic cultivation...
where they install and enhance the memory of those who already has good memory to begin with.
Where they just 'help' up those who need no help...
and burn the cash of those who sincerely needs aid...
money suckers!
Every damn thing about them is about payment...
about money...
it's all full of shit less the passion...
Passion was never a word for them...
Just wasted...

A shine of brilliance

~A new day, a new sunrise
my heart is filled with the colors of spring.
The darkness that has filled my soul
has been replaced by the vibrancy of your smile
and the tender warmth of your touch.
I feel your heart reach for mine,
and I know, at last, joy and warmth are ours.~

Worth it...all good

3rd of June...memory!
Sweet!
Met a good friend...a mind studying person...ie psychologist....
happened to come to singapore for a short visit...met up for coffee...
Pointed me to some good directions....things to look at.

Went for a ridiculous rock climb that my fingers crushed the life of a huge gecko...doing the very same think I was ~scaling the rock walls~... but the whole event made me focus very much on self... things going around me and reflections...

I guess today was an enriching day....a day of some revelations...

Which all brought me to my senses...and I realised I've been kinda blind...deaf..dumb..stupid....
u name it...
things that were made so obvious....put right in front of me yet I didn't get it...

I decided I had to see her after her work at the airport....
surprise her there and then....just by being there...picking her up from work at night..and spending the rest of the night with her... evaluating us...making things possible again.
I'm glad I didn't just drop her off at her gates and went off in the taxi....glad I dropped off too and joined her back home.

And I never thought that re-presenting a gift was somewhat that brought meaning into the whole thing and made things brighter....(oh yah it's some glitter good stuff and does give good luck....crystals! am I starting to believe? hahaa)
As if light suddenly shone through every darkness I've been covered in for 2 whole weeks!!!

So happy I can't sleep...but at least now...sleep is just the matter of me switching off work from my head...heart problems...done settled and will keep it up in good direction....

Everything's gona be alright!
so now....rockabye! rockabye!!

hahaaa....cheers!