Given my mind
given my soul
given my body
most of all...
given my heart...
What's left is time...
and it's time that is unending
can't be given,
But shared...

beyond the brim of my mental ability
the depth of my burning soul...
the exhausion of my body...
with the wholesome of my heart
And the end of my time...

jabs after jabs...
spiking of the needles
pain in my flesh
oh bleeding I see,
but yet my brain hath no feeling...
only numbness to the effect...
slowly my body floats
so lightly my head felt departed
strengthless...
uncontrolled letting go of everything else...
free...
but with the power of the mind...
in moments I find myself back to square one...
in a rat race... urban war... emotional yearns and consciousness...
There I reach out for you... and you're not around....
where art thou?

All about you

Baby when I look at you
Darling I see something new
Takes me higher than before
Makes me want you more...
When I look at what my life's been coming to...
It's all about loving you....

The more you want her
the more she moves away...
with the slight carry away
and she says you'd not want her today

a moment's actions simply
unfairly defines your entire purpose...

life has to be more balanced...

I'm turning mad!

my weirdest feelings..."I've got a feeling...."

I've got a feeling...
I might have lost you...
that since the day we were supposed to talk
but yet didn't know how to say...
since we left the motion of the topic...
the very topic of us...
I've got a feeling
I lost you...
The chill that I feel
here and there...
the silence disturbing...
just between us...
And that somebody might be making advances
while I fall off from you...
probably that somebody has been making advances
way before we even had problems...
and struck into it while we were at it...
I'm wondering...
truely... am I still there inside?
or am I just something who is just there
for you while you are left free?
Sometimes, I find myself falling for u all over again
yet sometimes I hold back in fear of our problems
that they may arise once more.
I loved you and I loved you more than what you can think and imagine..
Maybe we somehow have to make some things clear between us...
Maybe being in limbo isn't much good...
I don't know...
I always want to be your special someone...
yet I dare not ask...
we left us once and coming back
our expectations rose...
my practicality
my personality
my character
my situation
I hope they were things that will never hinder
our loving continuity...
Maybe someday you'll understand...
All along I'd wanna be your man...
now and always...
This point on
I've trust in you
a trust that at the end of the day
you know what you want out of everything
I am not questioning anything
don't want to tumble on that no more...
But if you think others are more worth while
advances made and you pick them...
then I guess...
up to you to decide...but tell me...
who may love me...
but yet may not want to be with me anymore...
if it's to hurt
then...it's to hurt...

I loved you...
Just not having you see it...
Having you to think it's love
made from convenience
which may probably be why
why you have been in questions yourself
and laid mental criterias for me to fufill
to thus prove myself...
my tragic state...
my tragic fate...

I've got a feeling...
But I guess you'd never reply...
I might just never know....

What am I standing on?
What am I sitting on?
Oh is it comforting to be?
No... it's filled with uncertainty...
who lays the grounds?
who says if I'm found?
who knows?...
Where art thou who can answer all these?...

sigh...days of my life...

oh well...

Coldness in acrid gashes
sharpness with every cut
oozing blood into numbness
unconscious to the damage
the hurt fills redness
honed wedge carries on its works
and soon heading towards a kill...

Is this all intended?
Must a step back be really taken
with pure selfish thought?
no wishes to take that route...
with actions against own nature
but crossing the line
means "no return"

The happiest moments in memory
warmth that arises from emotional contact
oh the fuzzy visual connection
the rising heart beat
from the blood rush of intimate scent
And the electrifying oral bondage
a feeling like dough in boiling oil
fizzing uncontrollably...

sigh...

Thanks...
But why do I feel you
feel my affection repulsive?
sometimes it's insulting
and reduced to nothing...

Unless you say...
I'm beginning to feel this way...

A night of comfort sleep
though short and partial awake...
When I did, deep it was...
like I never want to wake up
In the arms of warmth and cosiness
Unalone and embraced...
I was happy...were you too?
Though it was different
but I guess I'll take whatever is left...
to spend my days
holding on to sanity.
I tear and I bleed
but I hope it doesn't fall one side
If it is... I'd let go instead
for burden it should not...
All I know,
taking away affection,
emotions, actions, sight,
and every else material...
I still find love in me...
Maybe that's how
"loving until it hurts"
comes about...

Headaches and migrains swarmed
waves after waves...
going through the day was hard...
thinking of you took my mind of the physical pain....
just having your smiles in my mind...
self sufficient?...
I'm sure not...
well, but your imagery works
was brilliant...
Alas! my body grows tired...
exhausion sipping in bit by bit...
with the mind still trying to empower...
A zombie I may seem...
but very soon....just very soon...
I might turn off the lights...
uncontrolled...
just hope that if I awake...I'd see the most beautiful sight to me....
Just you...
Only you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me hold you
I can hold you longer
Let me feel you
'til my heart is stronger
Let me love you
I can love you tenderly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost in a split
I'd find myself in strangest lands
a place I'd find myself
just me all alone
a moments bang
I closed my eyes
seeing you in a distance
yet I couldn't call
your smile gave me the warmth
though I was in pain
soothing...
A streak of light flashed
piercing my eyes and voilent shaking
I found myself in a state of shock
unknown to the surrounding
unfeeling of what's to be felt
my only thought...
would I ever see her again?
It's at these times where
you find what your mind's been thinking
what you want to embrace
yes it's you that pretty face
But maybe then,
to go would have been better
where I see you from afar
embrace you in my tear
and yet a mistaken fall
for the love of me might disappear
easing your pain into the forgotten
and then move on...
though sadly I'd follow...
just follow behiind
for I'm your pain and comfort
a confusion in your world taken apart
But then again,
if I lost a chance to forever
an eternal sadness would befall me
as day by day time goes by
and you I see yet can't touch...
and nothing I can say
soon, my soul...
banished it will be
just die and gone...
gone into forgotten
So...
I'd strike to live
to hold myself together
just to see and hug you one more time
breathe your familiar scent
that puts me back into comfort...
then where I go
come what may
I'll just flow...

I'm feeling alone tonight
with no you by my side
even as you're there,
I see there's something on your mind...
I feel as if the love shared before
is in both of us confused that I hope to cure
'til this time
do you know I still love you...
but I don't wish for us
to end up in a squabble again...
baby I miss the times
when we both were secure and sane
smiling away from all this pain
I want to think objectively...
I really need to...
coz I'm not sure if you're ready for the life I'm leading...
but I know it's hard...
'til now I still tear with every moment
arise my wanting to having you near...
yet I can't...
I'm lost...I want to find myself...
I don't know how we should conclude us...
maybe there is a way
I hope one day
answers will come to us...
or do you already have in mind?
I don't know...
where are we?
what are we?
all I know that still
every moment in time...
I'm missing you...

A lousy day just went by
without you by my side
I've got to admit...
I miss you
what used to be
and what's not right now...
starting to work my head off everything else I can think off
but at the end of the day... I find...
myself mentally exhausted...
can't carry on...
though physically still hyper active...
flashes of you sparked before me
I tear...and looking at what happy photos we had
the harder it came...
I just hide in my shell...
in fear of angry faces...
and only anger emotions...
feeling the lowest once more...
no matter what others may say
but the kenneth still lies
lost... not knowing where to go...
though somehow will get up strong
but aching seems like's here to stay...
yes...yes...
I still miss...
missing you...
with this...I'd just want to leave my room
and into a run unending... where only thing I think
my breathing pace...
where am I...
how long more...
and problems left behind...
til I return...
back in the cubicle...my room...
0207 a place of memories
a place we started once more.

A second day
with a heart without a home
gone is the candy to my eyes
come a thief in the middle of the night
to steal my heart away
then it will have a place to stay
with no love
it's the only way...
or I'm just stranded
like a devil without the horns
an angel without my wings
niether here nor there
Just fallen...
right here on the ground
lost and unfound
Let me burn...
Burn away
What's the point when
I'm not sure where I am
reaching out for nothing
just nothing at all
all I feel is the heat
the tears the pain
how long once again?
how long do I have to feel this pain?
need to drift away to the open
the great open of mental freedom

Deep beyond my anger
there's sadness
alittle walk within you'll find pain
Beside is where you see tears
And finally reaching the core
Yet you still find love

Yet another night
tanning under the lonesome moonlight
I see myself once again
having just me for company
Could I help it?
There's nothing I can do
nothing more left to do
the pain resides sinking
slowly spearing in
with ever beat right through
the weakened heart
I cry the hardest tears
to know what I had
and what I loved
the very drive I had
is now gone...
all the energy in-store
if only love was for who I am
not what I could give
surprises that were planned
treats that were awaiting
just had to vanish or gone wasted
floating into the nothingness of the air
What else could I do
those were only meant for you
If only patience was the virtue
the little things would've been picked up
and at least the effort
was still appreciated
One will never know
the preparation
the slow heartful process
with every little thought
wholesome love was garnish
Afterall it's the result that mattered most
maybe lovers
where commitment plays no part
and thus expectations levelled
your space and mine
lives knitted yet departed
the course of uncertainty sets
and back to where time started
we return again into us
directionless and no where to go
Back to where I am
with nights
tanning under the lonesome moonlight...

Sigh...

heartfelt emotion
Creeping from deep inside
Cause being this person
Is all I've got left resides
all I want is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
Cos all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you think you know
You don't know

My love for you has always been beyond what you'd expect
but with it intangiable
to feel it is to take time in appreciation
my heart opens to you always, a door I never closed
no matter what and no matter how
no matter what you said to me
no matter how you'd treat me
it still stays the same
it never cast you away from my mind
rather keeps you in somewhere safe
'til the day hopefully you'll able to recieve
I'm not saying I'm a man with no flaws
in fact I was built with flaws to a million
yet at times there are things that were done with a reason
mistakes that slipped for none
I pray one day
that very one day will come
when you and I can settle our differences
coming together and just be happy...
in content and joy...
young you are now
and I guess you'd feel there are many out there
who can offer you more than what I have
more than what I materially give now
a better brain to immediately remember all of you
Maybe until the day you fully understand
what's commitment, value, cherish and stability...
most of all that love is nothing about what the other does for you
but loving with everything you have...
I'm there.

I want to love you...
I want to be there for you
I want to be beside you
I want to make you happy
I want to be everything you want of from a guy....
Does that guy exist?
Are you working on with me?
oh please...why do you have to do this to me?
Do you even have us towards forever in your mind?
Did it ever resided in you at all?

relationship
isn't about just thinking you want us to work out
isn't about telling your friends the problems more than you talk to me about it
isn't about just hinting and carry on hinting if it doesn't work...
isn't about just you
isn't about just me

I built my world around you
just to let you topple it again and again
I wrapped my heart and to enfold you with love
just to let you smash it and tear it apart
I put away every pride I have begging to have you back
just to let you hit me with cold treatment
I took away any hurt and every pain of the past
just to let you place them in again
but through it all...
I loved you with all my heart...
everyday hoping
just to let you truely love me back...
for who I am
for what I am
for how I am...
I guess you don't exactly practice what you preach...
coz all the things you said you've done before
you've not done any for me

How do you love me?
What have you loved me for?
Anyway... thanks for the time you put urself through that seemed so torturous to you...
seemed so hurtful to you...
I'm the cause of it all...if that's the way you'll like to see it...

Really, what was today and what was 4 months ago...
it remained indifferent and as cold you were as hard hearted you were...
you are still just like it as before...
Did you love me more?
Or is it my imagination and a story told by you bringing me in make believe?

What is it now? oh what is it now?
At a huge lost I am... this is madness...crazy...
Getting all pissed...irritated with everything and anything?... what about she smoking?
She just hits at it without having back the thought that I'm affected by that habit of hers?
We talked about it before too right?... And so why is it that she is still at it and not controlling at all?
And by me making a slip... she can't freaking stand it and has to slowly break things up...
Oh no I'm sorry you didn't want a break up, but why are you emphasising the thing that you aren't happy about this and that?
And about everything I do is seemingly pointless and not making any change in the way she feels and stuff?
You still love me?
Do you? really?... I'm saying that we trash things out as a couple...and move on from it...
but you are saying you don't get any answers from your questions and whatever you point out about me I don't accept.
Have you ever thought that your being self righteous is whacking all these up?

Telling me you want us to workout about a month ago...yes I do see you loving me more... but have you changed anything for me? I'm supposed to be the one to understand you... be around for you....buy this and that for you... pamper you...
So tell me...look at it on the other side....at another angle...
What is it that shows me you want me in the first place?... Or is it that I was freaking blind and just gave us another chance after all the pain I went through... though it was 3mths apart... recovery for me? you got to be kidding... it was 3mths of pain...
you broke up with me not the other way round.
I felt the hurt... and the hurt I felt was far far harder than you think.
With you telling me straight int he face that you don't love me....
is that easy to take?...
Never did I ever told you I didn't love you... never did I ever rip your heart apart causing the huge ache...

You cry and you cry harder...with your friends around to support you...and just say that "aw kenneth is not making you happy....just break up with him".... so how does that even help?
It totally doesn't

I'm starting to see something here... I feel that there is 2 ways to go about this whole thing....
I guess maybe, we should just give both ourselves a time out...a time to sought things out...
for you to think it through if you actually are ready for a true relationship...in reality.

With nothing, you think romance easily comes? all I have is the left time I have after all that I must deal with... all I have is the heart to love you even after so much hurt I've gone through....you don't feel it coz you probably want something tangiable... something that you can see... But you never know that somethings are only seen beyond the present...

You talk about other guys able to buy you gifts and such...
where does the money come from?... solely them? they work full time for it?
Or is it pocket money?
What I have is my hard earned... every cent was my work... thinking before I spend is something I have to...
I don't take my finances for granted... I don't have enough I've to live with it... do you?...
I can't just reach out my hands to ask for alittle sympathy cash...
And beyond all these...what I have I give... why don't you see the value behind everything?

You only have done the "maybe Kenneth is....." besides that?
Do you go all out for me?...tell me?...through the one month...I saying, Darling ...my dear..you really haven't.
And I don't ask of that from you, because I know it's really crazy to want impractical stuff to happen...

You say you buy small things for me also....oh yes...sorry I do that too...
I'd go all out to get you stuff to surprise you too... but it's only that you don't appreciate it.
And just now it seems so easy for you to take all the things out to return it back to me.... c'mon... for me, taking out every part of my memory of you is like tearing a part of myself...even walking out and shutting the door at you.

Whenever you've not eaten, I can't bring myself to even go for a meal because I can't be filled when you arent...
so when was it that this all happens the other way round?

I would walk through odds to get to you...but to you it's just about getting to you and not what I had to go through...
coz it's only the end results... So have you ever thought that it's not me not trying in the first place?
You mentally talking to yourself...telling yourself that "maybe...Kenneth....blah blah blah"... is also in the form of mental loving me...but how do you show it through your actions? on what you'd do for me that tells me you really want this all to work?
I'm the one making changes....yes I slip once in awhile....but are you going to let that go? the little mistakes of slipping? and understanding that I'm human and not robo Kenneth?
To me it's fine that you make mistakes....and if people can't let you get away with it...they are petty...
I'm here not even remembering anything you did wrong or thoughtless...not because you didnt' do it, because I feel that all those aren't worth remembering.... to spoil and sour the relationship...
What for? moreover I'm afterall a practical person.

I think you and I have to rethink...us...
we should stop and think about everything else... both of us seriously need time.
But I guess saying all these are just only side of thought...
if I'm anything to you right now...and you feel it's all a pain to go through thinking about us...
nevermind....forget it...
I'll stand the aside...and abide by what I promised....

My pain and heartache...
is just but a minor splinter to you...
all that mattered was yourself...
never thinking what I went through
Just to be loving you
All that mattered was error
that I had no allowance
a step into it
simple rage the entire of your world
firing anything that hurts
like a million spears
yet spare me not...
peirced my fragile heart
every single shot did...
leaving me weak and disabled.
Yet I drive myself still
having my love for you
the love that you found no appreciation for
the love that you didn't feel...
the love that you felt were just words...
to move on to walk up to you
saying I still love you
no matter what I'll still be there...
I'm not giving up
not because I can't live without you
rather I don't want to live without you
I want to make it with you...
but hey, have you ever tried?
really reaching out for the other side....?
loving you was the happiest thing I could ever think about
but what does loving me mean to you?
trashing me up once...
twice and thrice?
I don't verbally hail hurt at you
neither do I with any intent
I say things that in general
one would think about
while wanting to work a long term r/s
for once that hit you
and all of you are against me
I'm feeling so much pain but do you know?
Do you care?
Every call I get from you after our tiff
my heart skips a beat
thinking that things will be alright...
Things will be great between us once again...
I look forward to forever with you,
and work on things beyond what you can see now...
My feelings are true and things that you can count on
to have by your side always...
even when the world is falling against you
I'm still there...
But how am I to show you all that?
I guess....I guess...
oh the pain to say...
you'll never know...
unless you truely open your heart
and show by actions too
how much I mean to you
That in all these, it's not just me...
it's about us wanting this to happen.

Maybe it's easier for you to let me go
with your friends' support of putting me away...
and somebody whom you feel is sweet
all around you...

Against where I stand...
a person whom you find no sweetness comes from...
and hurt that he can't understand
unromantic that makes you wonder why to love him...
And most saddening of all...
a guy whom you feel unhappy and painful to be with....

I hope I'm wrong...I hope I'm wrong at all these...
I wish things were different
I wish we both are happier together...
and that you'll truely understand my difficulties...

The start of the 'catching up work' week...with the coming week 10 of this semester a simulated scare of SARS...
Darn...so those couldn't care less people crammed us all into lots of work to deal with in just a week of so called break.

Just done with the horrible subject test...a long 1hr plus... wasn't funny.
It was turning me nuts! driving me against the wall...
Even after studying so much for it yet many had no idea how to deal with the questions that hit us!
Can you imagine? What's the whole point of this?....to kill us?

Fortunately I didn't just put up my time on that....for the whole night...
managed a quick ani-project to earn myself a quick $100...cool huh....

I guess it's worth it...1 sleepless night to work up something and with alittle luck to gain favour. Otherwise my works through would've been for nothing....

The only thing that drove me for that was wanting to lighten the load of my poor darling who lost her handphone on sunday...
I know I can't take on huge projects now that can earn me enough to get her a whole new one....but I hope this would at least help in some way...

Maybe if I can find some others, I'd do as and when possible to bring in alittle more...so the lost isn't that great on the cost... but of coz the sentimental value of it means way beyond what we can value...

sigh...a longer week to go...so much to deal with...yet duno where to start and don't know how to...
it's madness...I just want to spend some time with her...


Let there be wind
Let there be rain
A lark and a dove
But oh please most of all
Let there be love!

My memory hits

The more my memory hits
The more the strain
The more shivers sent
The more exhausion sips in
And soon the weaker my legs are
The numbness flows
There I stagger to a stop
The feeling of collapsing
And down I go
My eyes shut into the darkness
And there once again
Reality sits in
The more my memory hits...

There is no running away...
What's strongly in me,
has been with me since time started
In April yes the beautiful sparks
the little bright light
shines as aways through and through
In joy in sadness in pain
then in joy in sorrow in pain
How the flow is and went
Yes...oh yes it still stays
and thus my memory hits...

My love..My dear, My darling...
Here my hands outreached...
how can I enfold you
with my wide open embracing arms...
Warmth I give
your sorrows I take
My tears I wish to wash away the sadness between us thereafter...
I awaiting...
here...I am...
right here waiting for you...