Almost crossing halfway through the next morning...
I'm up awake, partially studying and partially in thought of the unhappiness of my love.
maybe we should just be spontaneous... bringing more excitement to the relationship that I want...
like either one of us just have some idea on what we feel like doing that very moment....just kick off and go do it.
I guess I can deal with that...

But I think I'd be feeling the difficulty when it comes to high costing material pampering... compared to anyone out there....
I guess for that I'm at a losing end...
But baby... I do hope you'll accept this part of me...


*so tired but I can't sleep*

Yet things don't get any easier... the road that I hope to smoothen out... I wanna work.

How cool a relationship is
it's very much how 2 work around each other.
The acceptancy, contentment issues...

The truth is that the relationship is important to me such that
I'd bring it up to another level...
Thus the feeling of which makes one feel like married, but not yet.
I know youth is yet another issue.
It seems like what I was looking for then
is very much what I'm looking for now.
A sense of stability, a peace of mind and a love I can comfortably say will last forever.
Yet I'm not saying that others should head on the very same footsteps I've been taking.
It's just me... a guy of a different perspective.

What I have I lay down for you...
My abilities, my strengths, my weakness, my limits, my consciousness, my love, my care, my time, my body, my mind...
What you see is what you get... all put neatly in order for you to see... for the person I am...

All at your disposal and decision...

Sometimes I feel that what I feel and what I decide to do or can do or will do is going to be inmaterial...
coz ultimately it's what you see them as that makes the difference.

I may love and want to hold on to...and fight for...
but if by keeping I have you unhappy... living by my decisions...
the course of actions then would be better to have it as yours to decide upon.

Baby...
I believe we did have our happy times....wonderful moments that makes the feeling of worth at the end of everything else...
but it's essentially all for you to give weightage to and all up to you.

Darling...
your card... A special message...
when given to me...fluttered my heart so much that each time I read it everyday I'd tear and smile to myself...
it brought meaning to everything in me...
I believe it too means very much to you too....

Like an aimless soul on the move...
my mind wonders how my love is feeling...
Are things alright?

"its just like a cigarette
but between me and you
i don't want the truth
i wanna feel fucking cool .
and its just so tiring."

Or am I just again not being able to see it?
baby I hope you'll tell me which way it goes...
or this wasn't meant for me?

For the hard times that have us understand each other better
For the good times that strengthen us
For the pain that made us strong
For the love that to each other we bond
For the time I'd just spend thinkin' about you
in the good and the pains keeping me reminded
I'm human and alive
For the love of a girl I give my whole heart to...
Darling, for the wonderful times you made possible...
my blood rushed and my heart fluttered...

Spark and us...

Being asked about my husky...
it only pains me to not be able to see it now
maybe you don't know the pain i feel...
but the care i give it... the amount I'd put in to have it recovered.
I've wanted one and I'd always love it to have it to be with it...
but has it been easy?
every thing in my life has a reason...a meaning
spark's was you when I felt I totally lost you...
the only thing that kept me
with memories was spark...
of us looking at its breed and such...
the wonderful moments I held on
coz it felt like we were getting something of our own.
And even now its as important to me as keeping us alive...
and also keeping me standing...


the pain comes worst
with being compared to the confidence of us...
I grow weaker...
strengthless to the ground I fall...
though my face shows none
but my heart aches...

If taking us in this context...
then I see that no matter what... I've kept coming back
I kept myself going for you
not giving up on us...
it's something I've wanted...
even lost I still reached so much for...
my mind, heart, soul...everything was lost altogether
without you...it was such...
If it was just wanting and lost of appeal through pain
or anything at all...
it would've remained lost....and lost into forever.
But what's been happening isn't...
everything I've got I thrashed in...
to the last sec of my sanity I stand...
in a fight for us...
coz I believe it's mutual...
in love...

to me... what can affect me so much...
is meant for forever...
it doesn't lose appeal in anyway....it doesn't fade in me

I loved us
I love us
I still love us
I have always loved us
I will always love us...

most of all...in us there is you, min...

you keep me high
As I soar I fly
my heart with you
emotionally intrinsically safe...
But I guess...
Happy moments...wonderful times
efforts worth...
love thoughts and everything else...
has never been enough...
to you... I've never been the one...
probably not worth it...

Thanks for all the time...
the wonderful memories...
the care you showed...

But what you never know ...
the state i am...
it was all of you...
yet ironically the only strength to prolong...
was yet you.

you'll never know....

Life and love...
Love defines life
and where life is...
there should be love
on a daily note..
difficult it is to strike a well balance
where life is in concern...
never know when the next step you gona take
is the right or the wrong way
only thing that one can say...
"I believe"
"I try"
Making the right choices
is very much on one's own perception...
I guess I've gone through all that to hit the point I am today...
made my choices
I screwed it up or fucked it up
took up some options to smash it down again
took some risks to get myself into trouble
went into things knowing that I'd feel pain for
But for everything I walked myself into
There is yet a reason to...
Very much because of what my heart has led me into...
My love for doing certain things....
My love for a special one
would all these be right to do so in the first place?
I don't know, but yet I do it.
of course mistakes were made along the way...
life is a way long learning experience...
just that some mistakes made hits you back painfully...
while others make you step back at it...not wanting to go there to try again
and yet, others will still give you the feeling of a second try...
Everyday, I sit back and wonder how should I deal with certain things...
Or for now, I wonder how should I keep some things going
while getting some problems to stop it's moves in my life.
And also wondering what's the right step to take
for that special one with me...
Everyday it's a rumble of thoughts in my head...
an unending burning of brain energy.
Ultimately...
It's yet an understanding of me being only human settling in...
making wrong moves...mistakes and falling
then learning and getting up from it all is just a normal process
To live with it...
though most of the time it sets me on a coma in time....
like in a crossroad....where no signs of
what's good and what's bad is shown...
nothing spells spoils or graces...
just blank...
Life...
whatever it is, just love...
just believe and try...
at the end of the exhausion...
where you lie strengthless
and going away...
Just know at least, you did your best...
that's what life is all about...
enjoy the fruits of love
whatever and wherever it may be...
survive the toils to better days...
feel the pain to appreciate the beauty

Just give your best of the moment...
you'll never know when tomorrow's
never gona come...

And for all I know...mine could be near...

Is that my limit I see coming?

My head
my mind
so full of scorpions
it's said that at any trigger
depression strikes...
Thus the very thing that has driven me
will be that very thing that shatter me into pieces

Is it my limitation now?

I want to carry on
I want to get things on
but why is it so difficult?
A man of mistakes I am
I can't help but to start feeling
that at I'd be frequently failing
and getting up though difficult I still did
Going for the next step to carry on
I keep in mind my love for her

But when depression hits
I'm not even sure if I'd be able to pull this through...
coz' then probably, whatever I'd do
won't be in my grasp...
and in random switching of my damaged mind

The weekends has come
the moment for my treatment
leaving me shivering in horror
feeling of uselessness
and define me strengthless
will hit by a jab
But is it all working?
I guess my only true therapy
needn't go far...
Coz' plainly, it's her...
she has defined my moods
my sleep
and just me...

I love her
I see what truely loving is...
that even through pain
through difficulties one'd tide over
to push things through
make things better...
I try to understand...
I try to make amends...
For her...
Only her...
Just her...
I care and I do really care...
right to the last breath of me

Given my mind
given my soul
given my body
most of all...
given my heart...
What's left is time...
and it's time that is unending
can't be given,
But shared...

beyond the brim of my mental ability
the depth of my burning soul...
the exhausion of my body...
with the wholesome of my heart
And the end of my time...

jabs after jabs...
spiking of the needles
pain in my flesh
oh bleeding I see,
but yet my brain hath no feeling...
only numbness to the effect...
slowly my body floats
so lightly my head felt departed
strengthless...
uncontrolled letting go of everything else...
free...
but with the power of the mind...
in moments I find myself back to square one...
in a rat race... urban war... emotional yearns and consciousness...
There I reach out for you... and you're not around....
where art thou?

All about you

Baby when I look at you
Darling I see something new
Takes me higher than before
Makes me want you more...
When I look at what my life's been coming to...
It's all about loving you....

The more you want her
the more she moves away...
with the slight carry away
and she says you'd not want her today

a moment's actions simply
unfairly defines your entire purpose...

life has to be more balanced...

I'm turning mad!

my weirdest feelings..."I've got a feeling...."

I've got a feeling...
I might have lost you...
that since the day we were supposed to talk
but yet didn't know how to say...
since we left the motion of the topic...
the very topic of us...
I've got a feeling
I lost you...
The chill that I feel
here and there...
the silence disturbing...
just between us...
And that somebody might be making advances
while I fall off from you...
probably that somebody has been making advances
way before we even had problems...
and struck into it while we were at it...
I'm wondering...
truely... am I still there inside?
or am I just something who is just there
for you while you are left free?
Sometimes, I find myself falling for u all over again
yet sometimes I hold back in fear of our problems
that they may arise once more.
I loved you and I loved you more than what you can think and imagine..
Maybe we somehow have to make some things clear between us...
Maybe being in limbo isn't much good...
I don't know...
I always want to be your special someone...
yet I dare not ask...
we left us once and coming back
our expectations rose...
my practicality
my personality
my character
my situation
I hope they were things that will never hinder
our loving continuity...
Maybe someday you'll understand...
All along I'd wanna be your man...
now and always...
This point on
I've trust in you
a trust that at the end of the day
you know what you want out of everything
I am not questioning anything
don't want to tumble on that no more...
But if you think others are more worth while
advances made and you pick them...
then I guess...
up to you to decide...but tell me...
who may love me...
but yet may not want to be with me anymore...
if it's to hurt
then...it's to hurt...

I loved you...
Just not having you see it...
Having you to think it's love
made from convenience
which may probably be why
why you have been in questions yourself
and laid mental criterias for me to fufill
to thus prove myself...
my tragic state...
my tragic fate...

I've got a feeling...
But I guess you'd never reply...
I might just never know....

What am I standing on?
What am I sitting on?
Oh is it comforting to be?
No... it's filled with uncertainty...
who lays the grounds?
who says if I'm found?
who knows?...
Where art thou who can answer all these?...

sigh...days of my life...

oh well...

Coldness in acrid gashes
sharpness with every cut
oozing blood into numbness
unconscious to the damage
the hurt fills redness
honed wedge carries on its works
and soon heading towards a kill...

Is this all intended?
Must a step back be really taken
with pure selfish thought?
no wishes to take that route...
with actions against own nature
but crossing the line
means "no return"

The happiest moments in memory
warmth that arises from emotional contact
oh the fuzzy visual connection
the rising heart beat
from the blood rush of intimate scent
And the electrifying oral bondage
a feeling like dough in boiling oil
fizzing uncontrollably...

sigh...

Thanks...
But why do I feel you
feel my affection repulsive?
sometimes it's insulting
and reduced to nothing...

Unless you say...
I'm beginning to feel this way...

A night of comfort sleep
though short and partial awake...
When I did, deep it was...
like I never want to wake up
In the arms of warmth and cosiness
Unalone and embraced...
I was happy...were you too?
Though it was different
but I guess I'll take whatever is left...
to spend my days
holding on to sanity.
I tear and I bleed
but I hope it doesn't fall one side
If it is... I'd let go instead
for burden it should not...
All I know,
taking away affection,
emotions, actions, sight,
and every else material...
I still find love in me...
Maybe that's how
"loving until it hurts"
comes about...

Headaches and migrains swarmed
waves after waves...
going through the day was hard...
thinking of you took my mind of the physical pain....
just having your smiles in my mind...
self sufficient?...
I'm sure not...
well, but your imagery works
was brilliant...
Alas! my body grows tired...
exhausion sipping in bit by bit...
with the mind still trying to empower...
A zombie I may seem...
but very soon....just very soon...
I might turn off the lights...
uncontrolled...
just hope that if I awake...I'd see the most beautiful sight to me....
Just you...
Only you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me hold you
I can hold you longer
Let me feel you
'til my heart is stronger
Let me love you
I can love you tenderly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost in a split
I'd find myself in strangest lands
a place I'd find myself
just me all alone
a moments bang
I closed my eyes
seeing you in a distance
yet I couldn't call
your smile gave me the warmth
though I was in pain
soothing...
A streak of light flashed
piercing my eyes and voilent shaking
I found myself in a state of shock
unknown to the surrounding
unfeeling of what's to be felt
my only thought...
would I ever see her again?
It's at these times where
you find what your mind's been thinking
what you want to embrace
yes it's you that pretty face
But maybe then,
to go would have been better
where I see you from afar
embrace you in my tear
and yet a mistaken fall
for the love of me might disappear
easing your pain into the forgotten
and then move on...
though sadly I'd follow...
just follow behiind
for I'm your pain and comfort
a confusion in your world taken apart
But then again,
if I lost a chance to forever
an eternal sadness would befall me
as day by day time goes by
and you I see yet can't touch...
and nothing I can say
soon, my soul...
banished it will be
just die and gone...
gone into forgotten
So...
I'd strike to live
to hold myself together
just to see and hug you one more time
breathe your familiar scent
that puts me back into comfort...
then where I go
come what may
I'll just flow...

I'm feeling alone tonight
with no you by my side
even as you're there,
I see there's something on your mind...
I feel as if the love shared before
is in both of us confused that I hope to cure
'til this time
do you know I still love you...
but I don't wish for us
to end up in a squabble again...
baby I miss the times
when we both were secure and sane
smiling away from all this pain
I want to think objectively...
I really need to...
coz I'm not sure if you're ready for the life I'm leading...
but I know it's hard...
'til now I still tear with every moment
arise my wanting to having you near...
yet I can't...
I'm lost...I want to find myself...
I don't know how we should conclude us...
maybe there is a way
I hope one day
answers will come to us...
or do you already have in mind?
I don't know...
where are we?
what are we?
all I know that still
every moment in time...
I'm missing you...

A lousy day just went by
without you by my side
I've got to admit...
I miss you
what used to be
and what's not right now...
starting to work my head off everything else I can think off
but at the end of the day... I find...
myself mentally exhausted...
can't carry on...
though physically still hyper active...
flashes of you sparked before me
I tear...and looking at what happy photos we had
the harder it came...
I just hide in my shell...
in fear of angry faces...
and only anger emotions...
feeling the lowest once more...
no matter what others may say
but the kenneth still lies
lost... not knowing where to go...
though somehow will get up strong
but aching seems like's here to stay...
yes...yes...
I still miss...
missing you...
with this...I'd just want to leave my room
and into a run unending... where only thing I think
my breathing pace...
where am I...
how long more...
and problems left behind...
til I return...
back in the cubicle...my room...
0207 a place of memories
a place we started once more.