Fuck! damn it...
Why is it so difficult?...
Why can't I just get myself out of this?....
tell me why!!!
it's been weeks....oh God it's been weeks...
to month is has been...
fake to being kwel..
fake to having smiles...
fake to being alright...
a great pretender I try to be...
fake being strong
fake being stone cold and hard
fake being tough...
but afterall...
I'm the one...lying here
alone... here...
myself...
where the prayers somehow didn't work...
the rosaries can't silence the thoughts...
I'm in pain...
Give me the rage to numb the feeling...but it's only for awhile...
when I come back down...
I'm weakened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staring right back in the face ~
A memory can't be erased ~
I know 'coz I tried ~
Start to feel the emptiness ~
And everything I've been missin'~
I know and I can't hide ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was pain 'til I had to get out of it fast
Before the exhibit of emotions and tears
Faked a smile and made my move
like wanting to stay and yet wanting to disappear
reaction that I'm not familiar with
the wrong mix and fusion of the heart and mind
jumbled vocals
uneven breath
spike in heartbeat frequency...

Oh damn it...can't believe migraine overcame me last night...
mixing insomnia and migraine was sending me back to hell...
bring out the raging devil within the human body...
like everything was pumping the fire inside...
the blood boiling at every corner of the veins...
red fuming eyes and smoke fuming out from the skin...

then the world was spinning around...
my head was spinning all around...
having that and yet you can't faint into the darkness of sleep...
How wonderful is that...

And the heart super charge pumps blood
to feed every muscle inside
to mechanize and fuel the impulsing infinite fury

Nothin' provided the sense of physical pain...

But a jab and few needles
gave a punch to knock the daylights off my mind...

WONDERFUL! ain't it!

Just felt like writing some shit...so haha...here I am...blogging...
some inputs before I hopefully end the day in closure of my eyes...and my mind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If heartaches and jaded had a face
Think it would kinda look like mine
If they had homes it would be my eyes
Would everyone believe me if I said I'm sick of this
here I go all over one more time
Tried to climb the steps
Tried to put up the chase
Tried to earn my way through
Tried to change the living minds of love
Oh better believe that I've tried to beat all these...
So when will this end
It just goes on and on
Over and over again
spinning me round no it won't stop
'til I step off my living consciousness into a faint
Well I never thought I'd end up here
Oh I never thought I'd be standing where I am
kinda thought it would be easier than this
Guess I'm wrong now
This one more time
My Carousel of shit...
I still feel the same though everything has changed
the pain it cost
I feel lost in my own name
And I keep running
Just go workin'
I keep living dreaming the day when I'm with you
what if I'm with you...
The past has left its stain
now I feel the achin'
like you took away the chains of yesterday
And so heartaches and jaded, my face...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOW!
hit off a good start... on the first day of school...
even though it meant rushing the shit out of me...
Been to lectures, lab then to hall and back to lab again...
suddenly the distance became very short...but seriously, my legs are tired from all that walking.
But still...it was worth while...all the rushing in and out of every where...

coz....

MY CIRCUIT WORKS!!!!....

decided to test it on 120 volts per cycle input instead of pumping up the volume straight to 230V immediately...
no wonder it kept burning....
and there wa some internet short circuit somewhere in the scope I was using that caused some error reading....
damn...took up so much of my time to search for the problem points...stripping off wires after wires and changing chips after chips...with every other components....finally!!! finally!!!!
well goal for today was set at just the 120V...tomorrow I will head off to see if gradually increase of the supply, will I get the same good output I want....

Oh pray for me!!! months of hard work and including losing so much that meant to me... at least the best things could go from here is to have my FYP work well enough for me to graduate and get me hell out of here.

Though I know deep inside, losing what I lost...really wasn't worth it...for my projects....material stuff....but...sigh
I've gotta answer to myself and my own financial supply...might not be able to last too long if i have to prolong this.
Things for me could just turn even uglier...which I don't want to.

my insomnia!!...argh...now that's the one thing to deal with...and the migraines...well...i guess in time it will all go off...i hope..
coz' I'm feeling the full fatigue and very soon I think I might just collapse. But this time, I'll be collapsing without the someone I've been missing.
I guess slowly she's taken her bigger than baby steps to create the forcefield away from me... and so... no more in her life I am living... oh I dunno...
Maybe just thinking too much shit...

for now...I'll just try to rest myself... with the mogu (reminds me of how it feels to sleep beside her...)

haiz...

After all this time
I never thought I'd be here
Never thought I'd end up here
When my love for you was fine
But I couldn't make you see it
oh I just couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
And I found a part of me died
When I watched you go

Would try to fall asleep
in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
yet the nights seem to slowly fleeting
vanishing as reality crashed to the floor

Oh see oh see...
the beginning of the new semester is finally here....!!!
Oh man...
expecting crazy lifestyle...
while seeing others havine time to do other things....
sigh

Well had a good time at the "V tea room"
serves great tea cakes!
very english/venice ambience concept. cool.
just sitting down there have tea and cakes...well not my normal kinda habit but once in awhile.
Will head off for a workout soon to deal with that in awhile. lol....hahaha
Good set in the week to end the 'holidays'....so people are calling it even though I didn't really have much of it...better than nothing....hahaa.

Now Kenneth....back to work!... tmr is the day...8th of Jan...
with the next celebration time would be 11 days later...and that's about all...
Let's go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Has all love cold
a place bitter and broken.
taste of a world I know
there must be something better
something that good forever.
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road slowly burning.
Oh yes I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give.
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing.
you'll find me standing in the night
with stars seem so unending
a night's dead uncaring.
What's painted
whitewashed all works of loving
when all that remains
shadows of our stains
is it then all that easy
just drop it all and moving on?
I'll have to go
to a place I know
that's the one called beginning
start over after ending...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally managed at least 2hrs of sleep...but got awaken by God knows what...
leaving me with my eye wide open...

oh well... the semester is about to open once again...
after a few weeks of not much of a break, but better than nothing i guess.
Brave it! =)

I'll find my sleep soon...I hope.
since from 15mins to 2hrs...then comes 7hrs....lol....hahaa

--------------------------------------
Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
Trust me I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know that I can't hide
Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, coz' I am tired
Carrying the dreams and thoughts I lost
Picture frames and card with all the thoughts
Oh trust me I know, I hold inside...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...

But when you're near
you're lost, I'll help you find
come along around
time to time we're all blind
Don't have to tell me what you feel...
I know what you're going through
Won't be the one that lets go of you...
Dont' have to be alone with the journey you're traveling on
Though all dreams and hopes are torn...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...
------------------------------- ok I don't know what to say or do anymore....
Let time pass i guess...

The inability to fall asleep has hit once more...

3months....3 months phased passed...
now i hope it's not the beginning of another set...
it's been the 5th day straight already...

Part human...Part machine feeling...
or rather, on the ugly side... a Zombie...
the undead.

=/

FYP circuit didn't work! wat's with it! oh help somebody!!!

is it some avoidance on both side?
or is it just pure sensitivity issue?

darn....human is a set wierd beings...
oh well...

Here I sat...alone at work...
and study...trying to put my mind away from the world....
away from anything and everything else...
But...
in the moments of silence... the tranquility was disturbed by a short bang...
the dropping of a beautiful painted glass piece of a sun and a moon...
and together it fell with was a card...
the card that has been ever invaluable to me...
the card that everytime i felt alone. i read it and i felt happy and joy...
but this time...
it was pain and aches...
coz the feeling of missing someone who resided in my heart for a long time...
and now leaving it..making me the very thing
where the heart is an empty room, just came sweeping me over....


it read...
"Dear baby,
Surprise! =) I just wanted
to drop you a message to tell you how much I love you,
from the bottom of my heart.
For the difficult times, I'm sorry and am very happy
you still stuck around to bear
it all and make me smile again.
Thank you for being my little
understanding pupu and doing
all the silly things just to
make me smile. (i know it's
hard sometimes). You are, once
again, my...

SAFEKEEPER"

The very moment... what I've been holding within... all these while and just couldn't let out...
and all the dryness broke out drenched by tears...

Eyes were leaking!
shit I need a plumber quick!

sigh...

It's been so long since Ive touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened

I want you to find me charming and wise
I just want you to find me
Somewhere here inside
I barely know you
Weve been sort of friends
So what if I called you and called you again
What would I tell you
Where would I begin

Please forgive me
If I dont know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new

Theres a light in my window
It shines all night long
In the morning my coffee
Is sweet but its strong
I carefully reach out from behind these walls
I'll take a deep breath and give you a call
Hello how are you
Not much at all

Lost in this hole
That has ripped through my soul
I unlock this secret inside
What should I think
I've had too much to drink
As my mind and my body collide

step by step i take....in walking the lonely road
the road...that was probably left for me to walk alone...
along with stones and blocks that I'd trip and fall and get up on my own...

Life...

Well I guess it's getting over you
getting over me...
it's a shade of vast pains I see...
but it's something...
at hand...
in control
I have none...
coz I inside
become worthless
no speech no mind
echo...

missing you...
reach out I whisk air
emptiness sits in...

awaken by the cracking of crickets...
after the many sleepless days
I found comfort on soft linen.
But there alone, I lay...
strengthless, tired and heated
by the chill of constant pour
and the shivers sent by the monsoon winds.
With bird's eye view I see myself...
lonely, woebegone...
all curled up under the blanket
unable to warm the cold...
how is it joyful for a new year to come by
when such despondency lies within?...
I guess I'd just lay back shutting of crickets
and fall into the dead of the night...
asleep...
exhausted I am, but somehow I can't...I'd try...
what is it that's haunting me?...
without love?
or the coming of a new tormenting semester?
or the rush of blood in my brains for all the crazy nights
in my fight for survival...
missions after missons...
role play after role play...
cracks of firing piercing through the silent nights,
up hills, up trees, embedded in shrubs or a cocktail of choco-like water and mud...?
or is it the emotions of combinational feelings above...
that wreck the senses of my mind...
to think to have found what I truly love at the lead of 2006
but to find that what was between was a misfit that caused
so much pain...
so much tears...
so much aches...
so much breaks and reconciliation...
so much depression...
for two...
the two in love...
that burned acid fire
in destruction of hopes
by the coda of ballad 2006.
Leaving me yearning her very much,
yet be near I may not...
be loved I cannot...
to love I'd wanna try...
but hateful of myself I'd become
to see myself falling in ditch after ditch
again and again...
failure unending...
I guess,
Yes it is...
it's the emotional combination...
the cocktail of what dissolves my heart and soul...
like the diminishing of flaming lamborgini.
the fury blue slowly disappearing into the clear shot of spirit...
I know...I still love...want to embrace...
you...

Back finally...bringing satisfying exam results checked on friday....have to do more thanks giving for that...
and 4 sleepless nights and days of wet weather...
all drenched in mud and swarm waters...
where the skin wrinkles up,
all soaked up through.
For the moments I found to sit and reflect...
I missed you so...
but yet to find non responsiveness,
I guess someone else in life you may have gotten...
or drowned in fun you are that I'm smoothly forgotten...
But it's ok I guess...
I'd wish you all the best...
for this new year I wish you great blessings...
smilez and happiness you find...
without the known cause of depression, me...
with great warmth for u now you enjoy...
and a brightened joy you may have...

crazily tired I am...physically and mentally...
today I still have to say this for my resolution...

I'd wanna be able to better handle time,
accomplish driving,
get the academic final semester through...
start off my career...
find peace in myself...
to hold on to a good job
and to seek a well off love life I'd keep for long future...
in settling down...
where I'd find myself
with a family I may start by 30...

And I thank God for getting me through 2006...
finally it's over.... and I look towards a fruitful 2007...

The time is about up...
The moment of results is about here...
I shake...
I fear what I'm to see though I say I'm not
yet...
I wanna see it though I say I don't...
it's crazy.
The month is about up
The year is to the end...
And the rest I haven't got...
Many things still undone...
like time was not enough.
Everyday passes by like I was constantly on the run...
a marathon unfinished
a run unending...
But the only comfort I find that I can be lying on
is to know things are good on your side of the world
that the time precious perl
spent with cool people
the way you want it
the way you liked it...
While I standing here...
I know it's the path I've been in
the one I can't get out
at a cross road
where either ways leads to mindless pains
Where numbness is the common thing...
As I move along the gravel
small puddles ripple my falling tears
reflection of sadness
with the kinda days going by...
not denying the aches of not being able
to have you the love of mine
mutual yet unmatched...
loved yet hurt
embracing yet aching...
wanting forever yet can't last to see it
with perceptions all criss crossed in a mess
but everyday I'd wonder how you are
having you in my heart and my mind...
now the only 'friend' I have is work
when the 'friend' still hurts me very much...
I'm back to sanitarium visitation
for the mind blowing syndromes...
either ways...life isn't too friendly
walking on either side of the road...
Just walk Kenneth
Just walk...
walk through it blind folded
and come what may...
though in the darkness
the focal memory is yet her...
with no ways of drowning it...
drinks won't do
sleep won't do
and dying is eternity...

"Still feels like the first night together...
feels like the first kiss
but we're getting weaker
no one can be blame for this
I held on like you're still the one
first when our eyes met
still the feelin' I get
wanna hug you tighter
wanted love to last longer
you could turn the fire on....
if my love was not enough...
but my heart was for you alone...
I wanted our future good...
for all that I've not done or you felt that I should...
Please forgive me
the pain I put you through
Please believe me
my love for you is true...

How our lives crossed
but the pain is matched we're not...

I guess,
You need to release me...
though I need you like I do..."


The great pains to have in mind that what you love...
isn't what that is gona happy with you....
Thus no matter how much...
things are hard to be right...
Though it isn't either at fault...
the thorn strikes at both...

Spending the few days without my handphone
and out of the house and in medical red lights...
the isolated moments I had to sit down, with nothing else at hand...
those thoughts struck me to the kill...
many reasons i couldn't be connected...
no phone,
didn't bring cash in the rush...
fever struck soon after...
knocked out dead and tired...
I was totally blocked!...
with just me and the arm chair beside the hospital bed
with my sick and sleeping grand...
What a way to spend christmas...
with worries and sadness...
with the pain I don't wanna have...

sigh...what's the life coming to?...
though I wanna see and hug her so much...
but time I don't have...and I'd wanna try to make...
look at us now...how are we and what are we, I yet do not know too...
Before I know it...I'd be in wilderness and more crap.

all a pile of shit...

How's anyone able to understand the position I'm in...
how to explain when words are cheap...
how to do when time is not my hands when anytime i want I beep...

ARGH!!!!!!!!
THIS IS DRIVING ME TO MY GRAVE WAY FAST!!!!!