Johannesburg- South Africa..

In the midst of a supposing already modernized Africa...
Still dirty, darkish and gloomy....
The air is very much filled with dust...lands of litter....





And Sometimes the streets can be oh so so confusing...one of which was Bree...
Abit dodgy district in Jozi that is currently undergoing some renewal....anyway...what a mess.



And What's new?...just like some third world countries...stall owners all say that their stuff is the best...
yakking away the whole day...aiyoh...was really disturbing esp when you're trying to think and focus on where you're going
or should I say trying to go...along a not so safe side street...
She sells some Giant Vetkoek...like some mince meat filled wrap (looks like a Pau) with cheddar cheese toppings and
chilli. But this was some where within Mandela's Market in J'burg. Yes yes....something that is alittle familiar from Singapore
if you take a closer look...you see...'Piesangs'...like our Goreng Pisang



Down in Soweto to see if I can make some improvement proposal....but nah....I think the place...is a vast piece of wasteland...
so much dirt...so much crap there....to clear it up...the people gotta start doing something themselves first....
This is like Miles of poverty over here...and yet sometimes they don't really work to help themselves....
So how to help?....
Still thinking about it. maybe when I come up with something I'll be a billionaire....

As seconds passed...
It feels like I'm gripped by a magnetic force...
so strong yet destination seem unreachable.

just recently, I've begun to think very frequently
about how I'd have to manage my future...
how I'd settle down with a place I'd call my own...
and with the things I'd say are my own
and built by me...
Suddenly it feels like I need some direction...
something to slap me straight on the path again
and I'd walk through the trying roads again...
to keep on going...

Oh well....these days I've been really thinking alot...
thinking alot about many many things...

The rush of memories of us
The 3 musketeers
20 years hath passed and yet going strong
How we've changed
from the small to the big
from the short to the tall
from the gorging monster to the conscious fanatic
like a full wave rectifier
keeping each other's strength on the go
we go down low
but ne'er the negatives
Together the 3 of us hath escalated from the talks
of kiddy wants and plays
to the move to marriage and settlement
to the reach of financial just.
However life's been trying
a rocky road
but however bumby it's been and it will be
in energized strength we will
stick on side by side..
beyond the end of days...

~To the Paulie and Richie~

"The only thing for the triumph of Evil is for Good man to do nothing,
Yet the very thing for Good to outshine is for just One man to do something"
-Hmm...have I suddenly be enlightened in thought today?.... :p

I wish..

"Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times
lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times
Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted"

Oh man...compare to what I just mentioned last night about
things going on an up slope...and today I see this horoscope thingy...
cool!

Sitting....just sitting on my desk...
Today I've got a different feeling...
just a feeling..
have I made the right choices so far in my life..?
Well the issue is...
Goodness...who really knows?
It's the calculated risk that I've taken at every step of my life...
either spending time
either spending money
either spending my brain cells with
either spending sleepless nights for
either spending all my strength and effort...
Oh but what the heck right?....
Of course there are somethings I just feel it's all a waste...
but somehow today...my views switched to a different perspective...
There were quite a number of things I've been working on....bearing fruits today..

C'mon....just 2 more days to the end of the month...and I'll see the short holidays for awhile....
need a mental break....just for awhile...

Hmmm....wait...for the next 12 days I've got to speak Mandrin!
Jiang Hua Yu! OMG....but I'll try my best as promised...
I guess it's gona be the first time I'd take up chinese for the sake of somebody...
worth it?...
well...always is. :)

And I shut my eyes...
in sudden remembrance,
of how situations...good or bad...just fired up the course
of poetic imagination...

I remembered when I let go, but the feelings that was in the
memory bank....
It was a form of raps....form of poetic war...

Well anyway...
it's been saddening enough to
know that I hit the spot of the one
who matters most...
Punishment....actually whatever it is...I'd accept...
I'm apologetic...
in fact...to know and to be conscious of
the effects and the act of it...
already...it's piercing.

And I should be geared for the 6th
ready to be full speed ahead....
erhmm....I hope.

I never thought my brain waves were colourful...
I never thought I was that active even when I'm supposed to be asleep...
crap....I think I'll age at an exponential rate...

Oh whata heck...
Does it even matter?...

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

back to scrap metal

Today marks the end of my first not so legal road burner...
haiz... my internal work of art...
totally self modified, self tuned, self upgraded...
My local hobby kit before the Chevy Corvette Stingray.
There's something about me and black when it comes to
these fast ones. Sigh...my 5sec car is going to be scrap metal...
Take it to the road...the sound, the full aesthetic look will bring you
to a police care chase any time...the exhaust..and tints...base lights....head and tail lights...
full Halogen modification.

I think, as my promise to the special someone...
I ain't gona endanger my life in these plays...
a cat can have one 9 lives....after that....it's gone...
I don't know where my ninth is...or was...
but I'm sure, I've seen death in my face quite a few times...
Windsurfing....surfing...free-climbing...speed boat high chases...drag races...Muay Thai...
damn....u name it...
I think at some point in life...you've got things you wanna hold on to...
and you won't wanna let them go. You'd just wanna build a place you call your own..
And I wanna do just that with...hmmm...you know who you are.

Homely I would be...financially conscious... and safety first mentality...
hmm....well..working towards those actually...
I've been a risk taker for ages and to turn that round over night won't be impossible
but it takes time. With great reasons comes great determination to keep to the route.

anyway...it's really been quite some time since I last blogged...
Been also very very busy...dealing with alot at work....juggling alot of things at a go.
Thanks to my 2 buddies...Paul and Rich..for celebrating my belated birthday...
the thing that I actually forgotten...buried in work far off in Thailand... Didn't have anyone to celebrate with.
But with a warming 1st SMS from Jace wishing me... that was enough...
People asked me then in Thailand...what would be my first wish...and I just said... I just wanted to pass my freakin'
Advance theory test! which was on the 21st...the day I return from Thailand. Somehow I've turned stupid and just can't get through that even after so many times....darn sickening...
of coz...I didn't wish for the one biggest thing that I've been yearning to get to...
I believed in working for it and not getting it like a breeze. That would bring no meaning...
working for it brings strength and more feeling to it. though sometimes... I did feel I was failing and on the down slope...
Many have asked me why won't I just give it up and knock on another door...
I can't do it...not my character. I pick a door, I'll keep knocking 'til the death of me...or 'til the door creeps open
not in welcome but to lay a seal before my eyes...
I can't help it...

But whatever... I passed! hohoho... but ended up with a fever... had a technical test to go for and in between I ran off for the
theory test....a full day of non-stop test and trials... weirdly...I managed them and passed both.
somehow the happiest I felt was the advance test...when the other was of more importance...hahaha...

However...to my disappointment I've to wait til may before I get to do my practical....SUCKS!
argh...I've to hold on a jam break to whatever hopes I had 'til then....
So long.. :S
But anyway... maybe God wants to exercise my patience once again...
like my life hasn't been enough of tests and trials already...
so much mental drain....emotional drain... so what's this?... I guess I can get through this...
but of coz with abit of a feeling like my heart's been grip on a restrainer.

For this moment...I think I need some avenue to let out the burning sensation...
I've to keep finding my strength...focusing on climbing forward...
bringing myself to fear...meeting fear in the eyes and overcoming every other physical and mental aspect of my
sense of being...
if not...I'll just need a long run...really long run...

But first...I'll take off to check on the blood vessel in my head...and my back...
the most worrying is yet my insomnia is seemingly back..
And I'll be going to alter that tomorrow... don't want it coming back...
and for me to be humanly awake for the next few months...

Jialat

And I'll be out of sight for a few days in the month of Jan...
haiz...
seems to me the migraines coming back...
I might be evolving...
with the cocktail of insomnia and imbalance hours...
I might just simply say I'm quite screwed...

With the silence of the night...
I lay tucked tight under blankets
feeling the coldness and emptiness within.
The sudden feel of pressure building
in this coming year...
like never before.
Challenges after challenges...
feats after feats...
the more I accomplish the more I step forward for more...

But what is it that I'm working for?
Sometimes I wonder about the days when I keep going...
what was it that I see for tomorrow?

Yes some dream of my own creation...
Some thoughts of a great empire...but will that even happen?

How do I go about it all?....hmmm....

this year...the mark of me on the take over...
to boost and make soaring monetary flow... not for me....but for the company I work for.
I aim to hit 100k in percentage for personal profits....how I go about that?....
I think and think constantly....everyday....every night...
haven't found something right...

I think as Jace is on the work for her studies...
I'll just let her focus while I seek fortune for 2008.
I want to have a house and a car of my own by age 30...
I'll be mobile... on the move everywhere to seek 'gold'...
somewhere I will find...
But really....at this point....
I do need a break somehow....sometime...
And June might be a good time to do that...
And plan my route for attaining my targets I will...

c'mon....I just need to freeze my brain alittle and then let loose for creativity
to run wild again....

Very frustrated at the moment...with no answers...
sigh...

All over last night...
A horrid dream I had. Losing the closest friends with nothing left behind.
The disappearing loving family into nothingness where I couldn't find.
And that darling one who is named as my "sqweaky furry rodent" held in my arms and hands...
gone too beyond the reach of my arm's lengths...
And then I'd say...now "I am legend"...
:/

A busy day I had with so much things flowing down from mountains stock piled from the season holis
that came from christmas and then the new year.

With the "always on vacation" American factory and the "always relaxed and take it too easy" European Factory...
Hardly could get anything finished. My orders in the containers had so much to deal with....so much coordination
still stuck in the dreamland of theirs. All will get serious firing when they get back...
I don't care if they are white black yello green or blue....They will get the wake up call from me.
So much administrative things to push on with...blasting off with all the prep for my "better working year"
resolution...oh well...
And I had to still complain I have no sales to deal with on local lands in the mid-morning....
So after lunch...the great one up there showered me with loads of enquiries and calls...
that once again I was becoming an octopus before I could even start taking my next breath.

Funny thing is that I managed to cut the slice off 300% margin in the beginning of the year with a nice 2k sales
in just less than half the day...Ooops....so you just do your math and see what my cost is....
Okok....my nose is getting longer...gotta roll it back some day.


After a whole day's work....practically ending it off at 11pm cut off...

I sit back and took a read into my friendster...
On some lousy feeling day...after a bad dream....after so much talks and discussions...
after so much craps that you think so lowly of yourself in the day....
you wonder into the warm fuzzies of the friendster commentary and testimonials...
There you see...and funniest things people notice about you...
and there you could just regain back the leverage to move on tomorrow...
coz you remembered how much more you can do and will want to push on....

Kudos to the idea of testi on friendster...
WARNING!! TO MUCH OF IT WOULD GET YOU TO BE FULL OF YOURSELF...
TAKE WITH PROPER PRESCRIPTION!!!

hahaaaa....ok....enough for the day....the bonkers and KO time!

A simple new year eve this time...
simply spent with Jace.
Got a nice Rhodium Cufflink for a christmas present from her too...
Raoul does sound like a plan...hahaa..
The next time I must remember though....never to step into town or try to
get into any eatery without booking....
so sickening....all fully booked.
Even when I decided on Equinox...wanna pay money also no space.
Disgusting...

But anyway...fortunately...the one most important factor was fulfilled...
and that's all that mattered. :)
wonder anywhere also...I can't really be that bothered already.
hahaha...

Somehow today seems empty...
closed a few deals...scolded a few sickening workers to get their butt movin'..
cleared up work...helped some stranger lady to fix her tires in the middle of the road...
explained some conceptual crap to somebody about starting up business...
and back home in the emotional irony.

bottled up emptiness...
is that even possible?

Simply crazy...just so so crazy...

"She rolls the window down
And she
Talks over the sound
Of the cars that pass us by
And I don't know why
But she's changed my mind

Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life
With you"

The ringings in my ear when I'm away...

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever I’m away

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when I'll be back
Back to you

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

If I could turn back time...

***************************************************************
I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you're just about to walk though my door
So what's the question now?
Oh baby please tell me how?
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have said
that you would give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Are you turning away?
So is there some pride that makes you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
It's a lie what you keep inside
I hope this is not how you want to be
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I just want you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll just wait for you
If it's all true
***********************************************************

The weird networking of a third world country...
reception comes and goes like I never know what will happen next.
some of them simply uses the SMS protocol to connect to other countries...
some of them still have use an operator to do a call over
some of them use some super high powered transmitter which probably burn the cells
out of me just by being next to it.
Making it all so difficult to make contact some times...
Isolating me to just me and my thoughts...

sometimes it's just fortunate I get to some beeping cable contact to get online...
just for awhile...in some broken down shop...

all these simply pushes me out of the country very much....unless I'm looking for a getaway
where nobody can get me.

Into the wilderness....
the wild and darkness..
like into the depth of phi phi before it was developed alittle...
and all you have was just the tweety birds and cool fresh breeze that rushes in from nature's air welling.
And the morning dew shimmering cool drop into the bright new day...


But for now...when I'm not on a getaway...
I'll need to get connected....always!

Coming back to the moments in time...

____________________________________________________________
The feelings of the little moments
____________________________________________________________

Sra Srang was a sight
the silence so quiet I felt left beyond understanding
But yet the sunset
I feel the warmth of you
And as light fills the sky
like the imagery of you in my mind..
As the rest sit about in drinks and laughter
I stood in the moment...
appreciating the every second of closeness I had...
now that I am away
an hour behind... and 3hrs apart
Oh I wanna just be back
And soon I will
____________________________________________________

The year's ending... and it just crossed my mind that it was a flash that this year passes...
So quickly... it just swifts away. So much have changed, so much have been done yet not enough.
Like the biggest change from being a student to being a full time dog to the corporate rat race...
And then from being just free lance programmer to being an asst manager to being a marketing manager
and then finally to be a regional manager of a group of companies.
Different kinds of pressure digging in with different forms of stresses...studies and scholarships to targets, earnings,
profits and empire expansions...well of course in the consistent mind kept over finding this special one.

Sometimes people ask me along the way, what my greatest achievements were...
I pause...
I realised I haven't made any. Beyond those egoistic empowerment of strong teams, great winnings, high reaches over
over physical and mental challenges... I haven't found simplicity.
I guess I still need to find balance... or some automated system to clear all the piling up load that I have
while I just bring on the brave front to move forward everyday and end the day with the smiles at home...
soon my very own home...
Like the day is a warfare and the night & weekends becomes peace and soothing comfort in the fortress of my own
sharing the minutes and seconds with that special one and the special little ones thereafter.
Oh well...
These days with inflation and rising cost of living...
It's getting harder and harder to plan for things to happen especially when what you can afford today, you can't tomorrow.


Next year's resolution...
-To rev the engines legally
-settle down my office for operational smoothness
-find a snowballing effective plan
-to look at life and survival at a different angle
-take a good holiday some time to revive the senses (cost not considered)
-most of all to walk my life, sharing it with someone else



That's all for now.... :)