And I'm going to Japan with Jacelyn!!!
WooHooooo!!!!!!

Finally my holiday is here....
oh please don't end so quickly.... :p

For the moment... I think I'm just sitting by feeling depressed...
What about?...probably many things in mind.
My character...--> to find something, to define something and to know something...

I think sometimes it's really hard to be just perfect...
Especially when you feel that you're taken for granted.
Then the question comes..."Why is it like that?"
"So how does the great one up there play a part in this?"

Well, Really, I don't know...
like a game...
Life it is...
You give your best,
You try your best...
But the end seems like a dim tunnel...
Even when there is so much heart...
So much soul placed into everything...
you find that there isn't much that comes from it...
Try not to bother too much?
Try not to care too much?
Just be the irresponsible jerk and be selfish?
Just be nonchalant on time priority?
Well...I could, but yet I can't...
The irony of life it is...

Like a stage play I'd want a break from for the moment, but yet somehow I find that I can't...
Maybe it's true...
I'm meant to be lonewolf...
on the roam in this world...
Maybe...as it was said to me before...
Sigh...

Sometimes... in the midst of the rushes
the turmoil of piling issues dragging you for attention...
priority of things in your life comes into play...

And here...I see...
at a different point in life...
various things takes on a different level positioning in you
and in place, they affect you emotionally

Well...maybe, that's what that is happening to me....
somehow...
certain things...I'm starting to really consider the options...
and for others, I might just feel the pinch about being buried
by the mindful things that come with it...

But anyway.....I think sometimes too...I need someone to tell me
what to do and where to go...
be blinded for awhile....just a little while...

These days are like..
uncertainty of what's to come in the business world...
instability in every way...

I'm thinkin' hard...
should I shoot out my application of a new set of business?
Well...seems like it was a success in a restaurant's acceptance...
Think I will start moving on to spread it by steps.

Hitting at the shop owners now...
let people understand tech capabilities....
then comes the penetration...
and then the volumetric sales...

Admitted: I've fallen in love...
That's the Naked Truth... :p

Need time off....
Need time off...
Maybe my brain is simply thinking 24hrs straight that it churns around all matters.
Information everywhere clumps in a huge mixture of ideas, cautious thoughts, fears, trauma, creativity....etc...
all in a big pot of brain juice.

How to save myself? Or maybe I can't... :p

At times, to deal with fear is to prepare for the eventual, but yet psychologically, in preparation for it
possibly could bring one to start shutting off emotions and reach....
Nope...not good...not good at all...
Don't even want to go there, unless I'm forced by circumstances...
been there once...felt very heartless, emotionless...robotic and stone hearted....nope nope...

"Kenneth...just work on it at a different angle maybe...
And maybe, you'll find some answers...
Maybe you'll see what the deeply hidden feels, and so you understand the naked truth...
What isn't said, isn't non-existent...yet what's said is definitely existent...
A feel of heart thoughts, tone and body expression says a million"
-Says some voice during snoring hours...

A disappointment of the day...
and ringing of the past my fears I say...
------------------------------

As positive I maybe, but yet somehow, in times where situations drew blood in
the heart, it's yet difficult to just hold on unshaken.
No matter how much one can give at different stages in life,
somehow, without a word...disaster struck.
Time and again...
time and again...
yet I hope it's not once again...
Seeing what happened to a friend, who held on to his love for a girl...
4 big years and hard support...
long term planning and much thoughts...
sacrifices being made...
yet all of a sudden, the lightning struck him with one of the most common reasons...
"I'm sorry, I don't think we go well together..."

Sometimes it is true that when girls say guys are bastards...
but yet how is it that I'm seeing very much of the other way round the situation?

And even as I love her so much...
yet I would always fear losing her..
I fight to keep.
just really hoping that big considerations have taken place
before making that decision of acception...

And as I'd wanna stay in content...
the content of the other unknown to me, might not be so...
Yet what can I do?...
Everyday I pray...
Everyday I hope...
history won't hit again...
One after another, have I not reflected enough to give what I've missed?
Have I not improved tolerance and attitude in handling matters?

I know one cannot give a fairytale many dream of
but I do know, what one can give is a fighter inside...
to keep things prolonging to the death of me...
the life force inside and the assurance of trust and strength...
but time and again when the rain comes to put out the fire...
it does need just alittle boost sometimes to fan strong the flame to keep it going...
Afterall... it shouldn't be just one sided right?...
I'm no fire generator...I still need the fuel somehow...
So what has my girls gotta say?

Some say they were sorry though it was the past...
Some say that they were naive then and didn't now what they wanted..
Some say that simply wanted to be spoiled and I couldn't keep doing that...
Some even said... "Why do you even have to long 10 steps ahead?"
Now that is the oddest thing I believe to have heard...
the irony of wanting to see the longest roads, and being asked not to...
yet when not seeing the longest roads, am being ask why aren't I doing so...

Some light here please...
Was told not to think too much...
but if she didn't matter to me...yes that would be possible...
but too bad for me I guess...she means alot to me...

I just had some rockin' day!

Argh!!!!!

Nice comforting days passing
but yet recessional stress is slowly en-caving...
bit by bit...
And yet I found ways to gradually overcome.
Somehow...I thought I'd be able to raise 24k in a month to somehow be able to just...
slap in some risk and hope to make double in profits...
crap...don't have that amount to play for now...
but anyway...
play abit more safe at the moment...
will find something to set my cash in and not having to bother...yet getting at least some returns.
Erhhmmm...but haven't found something right.
Still awaiting some funds to be released too...

Oh well...
I'm just waiting for this weekends to come and
monday the 12th too...
where I may find out something I've been awaiting to find out...
the little time will tell...
hope to see sunshine...

Sometimes there is a wonder...
if practicality is a good thing...
it causes conflicts between issues regarding sensitivity emotions and 'what's the straight thing to do' kinda mentality...
I might be blabbering crap alittle...but you know what I mean...

practicality saves the daily works...but yet could harm the sub-load of mental conflicts...
where sometimes you feel the adverse but yet gotta think against it because only it is the better thing to do...
or sometimes because it's the more practical thing to think of and react.

There will be one day I'll just one to let go and be one hellova bull...reasonable to only myself...
let lose in the wild and let the heat go...
conduct away the energy inside so as to lay at the end of that one very day... just simmered down and blank...
where reality will come back into line...

Just to cleanse the soul alittle... to let go of macho man shit and tear it out and over....

How is it ever possible to have 2 offers in the same week?
One in the medical field and the other in oil and gas...
but what's the common factor?...
business...strategizing...market positioning...emerging markets...
All trying to dig that vigor in tapping the 3rd worlds...
the raw and dangerous lands...and untouched places...
formulation of niche possibilities...
And so I've been hearing...
"countries where politics matters at least as much as economics to the markets."

Now the weird thing is....
How the hell did they come to know of me even existing?
The Kenneth ain't that good stuff!...
So for the moment...I should stop having the digging through my head...
there isn't anything in there... dredging inside is a waste of time and effort...
well, for now...
My head is exhausted...I keep coming up with new things...now opportunities...
like a part is addicted to it, while the other is so so tired out...

Sweetie...we gotta just let lose real soon....in a month and a half time...
just let lose...

Totally do not like the feel of self-pity...
The harder the fall the faster the climb
The tougher the situation the stronger to get
But the rockier the days...the fluid of ways...

How is it that I reckon bitterness
For the mere assumption of elements
running against a hopeful forwarder...?
Like time, space, and heart...
Like resentment of opportunity lack
Like support a must to give tangible results
Like preaching a dive into the sea, needing
all the floatation around, but yet call it risk...
A total irony of being...I don't understand...

I guess, it's more telling me
that a state of a person holds ties only for beneficial foundations,
yet not the true meaning of ties worth holding...
Disappointing...
But why do I want to bother so much?
coz....I cared to bother...
yet it's pointless....
so is it left or is it right?

Answer= whatever...

Nine fifty nine
a time off my nine to five...
And here I am working on case
many findings many numbers in my face
I look around, I just hear me...
I just see me and I guess it's just you and me...
body and shadow
two of one same thing...
my eyes are on for a close...
breathing gets harder
like I'm inhaling from a long winding hose...
Many things in hand
succeed it all depends...
time on stress
trying to speed work to my finest...
but here I am yet clueless on what's deeper I'm finding...
or maybe I'm just trying to shield off in knowing
that I don't know...
A thousand and one ways to show
A million forms to prove..
what's sincere
what's faithful
but tomorrow brings a surety
speedy fires, requiring me mindful...
And for a moment I feel numbness
on what's to come and my other dumbness...
But should things come...
let it come...
And in the dailies
the cycle goes on..
'til my hopeful day comes
my hand in handful
and the fuzzies my everyday living tool...

Within a circular confinement,
It's hard to look beyond the walls to seek refinement.
'coz inside the circle lies one's own world and where benefits seek
to come from those who hop in.

Isn't it how Mafia prosper in the days of the Godfather?

how one could seek only to be the light at the end of the tunnel
unknowing of the tunnel beyond lies more depth unknown.

Instead seek somewhere out of the zone of comfort to seek beyond self-righteousness...

cheers if it's attained.

At the corner of Scotts road
stands a very colonial hotel...
Been old since the day I saw light...
hahaaa....Goodwood Park...oh yeh..
Decided to take a dive into my month splurge on the tummy...
Oh this time was seemingly even higher than what Equinox gave in damages....
but it was sure satisfying....
Gordon Grill...
From my turning 4years old, this place has already been listed in Singapore's Best restaurants.

Very pleasant setting... just that dimmer lights make my sweet turn towards the alittle 'torpid' mode...
The cannot think mode that is...
While I simply after a rushy tough week just wanna excuse my brains for this while...
Just sit back and relax to the nice soft music and
gazing at her while we indulge in slow chats.

I found the trolley meat service concept rather unique...
especially when you think you wanna have a big bite for the day.... you too can choose.
Instead of being restricted to what's stated on the menu.

Service there was great too actually...really can excuse brains...except the hands and mouth...
compared to some countries where they call the "No hands" restaurant that my elder colleagues have been mentioning
to me. but nah...not interested and won't go to such 'lazy' places to eat and where standards of food are yet questionable.


Good....good evening went by...and now, the Weekends of workout and read ups on Operations management
will start, before I start going into hardcore web building once I get warmed up on the softwares again....

:p

Well...
have this good feeling at the end of the day... :) hehee...
only I know why.....

And I woke up
all jaded mode...
like I did something terrible
and yet not knowing what...
it was just in pure sleep...
just in pure dream....

and so I hummm....

----------------
Have you heard...
Have you tried to understand?
It's alright..
It gets easier with time...
How are you?
Are you ever coming back
I have changed
And I've realized I wrong
I was wrong
Now I'll never see your face, anymore...
Oh my love,
I'd give anything for one more day with you...

It's been a real rushy rushy time these days...
With so many people to meet for some discussions...
So much to handle 'til my hands are over flowing...
If only my pocket is filled with the amount of cash of
equivalence to my workdone...
I'd probably be erhmmm....hmmm well...not yet a millionaire...
coz I probably would have already invested half of it in some new biz for it to show truth
in 6mths to a year...
but ok....anyway.... 'til the day comes....
'til the day comes...

With new business ideas coming up....
with fuel cell pushing its way into my head...
and with all the intel war games that I've to deal with in these weeks....
Tired...

And today I bled
with tears draining
feeling the biting of torn
and it's been long
just very long

Sometimes I happen to sit and bitch about the days of my life...
all within my mind...
All in wonder why it isn't the way I hope for it to be.
Well I guess I ain't a road that you can really see a path that you're going.
I've humming the music of 'everlasting' and now I'm just on the verge of seeing that
as total bull crap.
a feeling of having given up on what I hope to be long term.
May be Buddhism might have some truth to what life is.
That nothing is forever.
Hmm...well maybe I know what's forever...
the rut that goes through.

Maybe even with my so broken body, I might just wanna go back into the sporting lifestyle...
No need to be the top optimist sportsman and live the kind of life I used to be 7 years ago
where it's all about I fast I go, how strong I become...
But rather just the free mind that I held inside.
going into the high seas and braving the storms...
Seems to me that the physical challenges threatening my life was easier to deal with
than the mental chore and the tiresome daily routine of bothering about everything.
When you can't not bother about it all.
Can't help but to worry and care for everything that's close within my place...
If one day I ever do....
I'd probably already dead.

Fortunately for blogs or online diaries...
where I throw my written vomit. :p

Fortunately for my trusty weights that have not failed me and seen me through all the pains
well and giving me the pains too....physical ones that is...

But I've yet to find a trusty dummy for me to just do my hard punches on....to let that high energy free
the heated energy...

Oh well...maybe giving up the macho shit....music itself can soothe the soul and once in awhile some tear
can just cleanse the soul inside...Only human.

Damn it...This very moment I need to tire the daylights out of me...

Like a rut it seems...
The warm feeling to love
but the pain to miss
The smiles of affection
but the aches being without...
Just one day I'll get used to this...
maybe it's all in a package...
all picked off the top shelfs
of emotional 'extra value meal'
or a swinging roller-coaster ride...