Thinkin'...

Wonderin'...wonderin.. wondering how she is at work...has she sold enough to make her commission and time there worth? wondering if there were anyone there to spoil her day besides me doing it unknowingly?

I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?

State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...

Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...

Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit

But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...

Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...

Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....

2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...