Pain grows without you...

A part of me is thinking, she may just want me away from her now...
I guess she might want to end us for good... from the tone she gave when I went upstairs to try talk to her.
I duno. And with the fact that girl friends intervention in relationship issues, usually don't help much...coz they support on side only and overall...
But anyway it's all her choice... she chooses to believe in them and whatever things they say I guess I can't control...

I guess I'm just never the guy who gives the cinderella setting or fairytale I might say to girls...
coz maybe I'm just too practical and that maybe also...at the moment I'm more looking for a life partner...someone to stay with for long and I'd want to clear things up...likes, dislikes and stuff...issues to handle dealing with security feelings... anything...
Once done, fully understanding the other would then be possible...
And I wanted that with her...
I'm not sure if there is any more thinking thru on her side now...
coz once again I'm seeing the hot, pissed, angry girl in her...that I saw before...
I never saw why is it so difficult for her to forgive when I could do that for her case?....
Am I not special enough to her as she said I was?...
Being special is really about making her exclusive to me...
There isn't any girl taking pics beside me on a close less than shoulder length away...
There isn't me going out with any other girls unless just old time friends and yet going out in a large group...
There totally isn't... and my time surrounded what I had to deal with in my life and her....basically that...
That's exclusive... a call is all it takes to take me out of it...just tell me she really needs me now and I'll be down there...
but I guess that's not what she was looking for in a guy... I have to think on my feet aside all the other things I've to handle...
And my pampering is nothing compared to her so many guy friends...
people have seen and heard what I've been capable of and how generous I can be in special occassions...
and esp those times when I could afford the full time and money...
But now...being limited...I just deal with what I can give...
Is that not good?...
I'm seriously in big questions...
Baby darling... I really love you and thus I gave you the exclusiveness that makes me different from other of your guy friends...
I dun do the things I do for any other girls...
Yet, your photography friend was chosen above me too...and you can say it's your friend....what about mine?
Do I have no feelings?... I'm not robot not made of steel...only human...
I asked certain questions...my insecurities weren't because I didn't trust...but rather I wanted you for long and I want that affirmation from you... you didn't have to show me much...just tell me...just say it. And it's so difficult for you to do that.
I don't remember a day I forgot to say 'I love you'
I don't remember a day I don't affirm our relationship...
"Maybe you are better off with other guys?" the question that was a hit on the score boards...? well how about answering that as "It's you I'm better off with" ?
confidence in a relationship requires time to build... it's not like some few weeks thing...
And asking questions and talking about issues openly makes the difference... I realised that since the last time we broke up.
I made the change...I decided I must talk to you about everything I'm going through...anything that I'm feeling... I can't lie to you... and just be frank...telling you the truth...but did you handle it well?
Or should I just simply handle it myself and keep you away from it all like the past? And at the end of it when things blow up and you come to know about it...the problem becomes lack of communication...
Before I even decide on any activities, I considered you... put aside the responsibilities I held and promises I made to friends before any commitments were laid down...
I always thought that would you be doing or would you need me around at that time?...anything...
If you think the normal guy friends would do all those for you...I really have no case to fight... but they are doing what they do simply coz' they are interested in you...
On the contruary, I was willing to be there for you even when I was just a friend to you after we broke up and mending my wounds... kept trying different means to find out how you were...
how you were feeling.... if you needed emotional support.
All these...can't be held...can't be touched...
but are these not valueable enough or at all?
Are you going to tell me the other guys do all that for you too?...
At the end of the day I would be the one kneeling down on bended knees putting pride aside from the relationship to ask for whatever forgiveness or ask to be taken back...
But both times I see a cold face looking at me with no expression... unaffected... telling me to go away or "Don't want to hear from you"...
But yet even so, I still come back...
Why?...
Is this not love?...
is this not love, that whatever the case is I'm still beside you and coming back to you?
If not what is it?
Till this point I'm still on the fight and not giving up inside me...
to want you back...
but if you are going to put a blockage in you... saying that you aren't going to react to anything I do...
You are basically telling me that there is no point doing anything coz' anything I'm going to do, isn't going to make a difference until you really have sorted things out and cooled down.

I hope you really take some time to think things through...about us, what we've been through...what it really means to have a guy loving you...

Not just for me, but for yourself too...

I sent you the song "that's all" sang by Rod Stewart, Michael Buble and Adam Sandler...
I meant every thing and every words in it..."all I have are these arms to enfold you...and a love that time can never destroy..."
"Grow old with you"...? I meant the lyrics too... did you?
Maybe before sending anything in future, we should find out if it's really what each of us truely mean.
Coz' to me, it's important...to mean it when you are giving something...not for the sake of romance. Coz' pure romance will soon die off leaving nothing on the surface...

Sigh...I really want to with me...even now..
as I sit on my desk typing in tears...
I need you coz I love you...never was it the other way round.


If you can't understand that,
I'd just shut up next time...