~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Has all love cold
a place bitter and broken.
taste of a world I know
there must be something better
something that good forever.
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road slowly burning.
Oh yes I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give.
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing.
you'll find me standing in the night
with stars seem so unending
a night's dead uncaring.
What's painted
whitewashed all works of loving
when all that remains
shadows of our stains
is it then all that easy
just drop it all and moving on?
I'll have to go
to a place I know
that's the one called beginning
start over after ending...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally managed at least 2hrs of sleep...but got awaken by God knows what...
leaving me with my eye wide open...

oh well... the semester is about to open once again...
after a few weeks of not much of a break, but better than nothing i guess.
Brave it! =)

I'll find my sleep soon...I hope.
since from 15mins to 2hrs...then comes 7hrs....lol....hahaa

--------------------------------------
Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
Trust me I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know that I can't hide
Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, coz' I am tired
Carrying the dreams and thoughts I lost
Picture frames and card with all the thoughts
Oh trust me I know, I hold inside...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...

But when you're near
you're lost, I'll help you find
come along around
time to time we're all blind
Don't have to tell me what you feel...
I know what you're going through
Won't be the one that lets go of you...
Dont' have to be alone with the journey you're traveling on
Though all dreams and hopes are torn...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...
------------------------------- ok I don't know what to say or do anymore....
Let time pass i guess...

The inability to fall asleep has hit once more...

3months....3 months phased passed...
now i hope it's not the beginning of another set...
it's been the 5th day straight already...

Part human...Part machine feeling...
or rather, on the ugly side... a Zombie...
the undead.

=/

FYP circuit didn't work! wat's with it! oh help somebody!!!

is it some avoidance on both side?
or is it just pure sensitivity issue?

darn....human is a set wierd beings...
oh well...

Here I sat...alone at work...
and study...trying to put my mind away from the world....
away from anything and everything else...
But...
in the moments of silence... the tranquility was disturbed by a short bang...
the dropping of a beautiful painted glass piece of a sun and a moon...
and together it fell with was a card...
the card that has been ever invaluable to me...
the card that everytime i felt alone. i read it and i felt happy and joy...
but this time...
it was pain and aches...
coz the feeling of missing someone who resided in my heart for a long time...
and now leaving it..making me the very thing
where the heart is an empty room, just came sweeping me over....


it read...
"Dear baby,
Surprise! =) I just wanted
to drop you a message to tell you how much I love you,
from the bottom of my heart.
For the difficult times, I'm sorry and am very happy
you still stuck around to bear
it all and make me smile again.
Thank you for being my little
understanding pupu and doing
all the silly things just to
make me smile. (i know it's
hard sometimes). You are, once
again, my...

SAFEKEEPER"

The very moment... what I've been holding within... all these while and just couldn't let out...
and all the dryness broke out drenched by tears...

Eyes were leaking!
shit I need a plumber quick!

sigh...

It's been so long since Ive touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened

I want you to find me charming and wise
I just want you to find me
Somewhere here inside
I barely know you
Weve been sort of friends
So what if I called you and called you again
What would I tell you
Where would I begin

Please forgive me
If I dont know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new

Theres a light in my window
It shines all night long
In the morning my coffee
Is sweet but its strong
I carefully reach out from behind these walls
I'll take a deep breath and give you a call
Hello how are you
Not much at all

Lost in this hole
That has ripped through my soul
I unlock this secret inside
What should I think
I've had too much to drink
As my mind and my body collide

step by step i take....in walking the lonely road
the road...that was probably left for me to walk alone...
along with stones and blocks that I'd trip and fall and get up on my own...

Life...

Well I guess it's getting over you
getting over me...
it's a shade of vast pains I see...
but it's something...
at hand...
in control
I have none...
coz I inside
become worthless
no speech no mind
echo...

missing you...
reach out I whisk air
emptiness sits in...

awaken by the cracking of crickets...
after the many sleepless days
I found comfort on soft linen.
But there alone, I lay...
strengthless, tired and heated
by the chill of constant pour
and the shivers sent by the monsoon winds.
With bird's eye view I see myself...
lonely, woebegone...
all curled up under the blanket
unable to warm the cold...
how is it joyful for a new year to come by
when such despondency lies within?...
I guess I'd just lay back shutting of crickets
and fall into the dead of the night...
asleep...
exhausted I am, but somehow I can't...I'd try...
what is it that's haunting me?...
without love?
or the coming of a new tormenting semester?
or the rush of blood in my brains for all the crazy nights
in my fight for survival...
missions after missons...
role play after role play...
cracks of firing piercing through the silent nights,
up hills, up trees, embedded in shrubs or a cocktail of choco-like water and mud...?
or is it the emotions of combinational feelings above...
that wreck the senses of my mind...
to think to have found what I truly love at the lead of 2006
but to find that what was between was a misfit that caused
so much pain...
so much tears...
so much aches...
so much breaks and reconciliation...
so much depression...
for two...
the two in love...
that burned acid fire
in destruction of hopes
by the coda of ballad 2006.
Leaving me yearning her very much,
yet be near I may not...
be loved I cannot...
to love I'd wanna try...
but hateful of myself I'd become
to see myself falling in ditch after ditch
again and again...
failure unending...
I guess,
Yes it is...
it's the emotional combination...
the cocktail of what dissolves my heart and soul...
like the diminishing of flaming lamborgini.
the fury blue slowly disappearing into the clear shot of spirit...
I know...I still love...want to embrace...
you...

Back finally...bringing satisfying exam results checked on friday....have to do more thanks giving for that...
and 4 sleepless nights and days of wet weather...
all drenched in mud and swarm waters...
where the skin wrinkles up,
all soaked up through.
For the moments I found to sit and reflect...
I missed you so...
but yet to find non responsiveness,
I guess someone else in life you may have gotten...
or drowned in fun you are that I'm smoothly forgotten...
But it's ok I guess...
I'd wish you all the best...
for this new year I wish you great blessings...
smilez and happiness you find...
without the known cause of depression, me...
with great warmth for u now you enjoy...
and a brightened joy you may have...

crazily tired I am...physically and mentally...
today I still have to say this for my resolution...

I'd wanna be able to better handle time,
accomplish driving,
get the academic final semester through...
start off my career...
find peace in myself...
to hold on to a good job
and to seek a well off love life I'd keep for long future...
in settling down...
where I'd find myself
with a family I may start by 30...

And I thank God for getting me through 2006...
finally it's over.... and I look towards a fruitful 2007...

The time is about up...
The moment of results is about here...
I shake...
I fear what I'm to see though I say I'm not
yet...
I wanna see it though I say I don't...
it's crazy.
The month is about up
The year is to the end...
And the rest I haven't got...
Many things still undone...
like time was not enough.
Everyday passes by like I was constantly on the run...
a marathon unfinished
a run unending...
But the only comfort I find that I can be lying on
is to know things are good on your side of the world
that the time precious perl
spent with cool people
the way you want it
the way you liked it...
While I standing here...
I know it's the path I've been in
the one I can't get out
at a cross road
where either ways leads to mindless pains
Where numbness is the common thing...
As I move along the gravel
small puddles ripple my falling tears
reflection of sadness
with the kinda days going by...
not denying the aches of not being able
to have you the love of mine
mutual yet unmatched...
loved yet hurt
embracing yet aching...
wanting forever yet can't last to see it
with perceptions all criss crossed in a mess
but everyday I'd wonder how you are
having you in my heart and my mind...
now the only 'friend' I have is work
when the 'friend' still hurts me very much...
I'm back to sanitarium visitation
for the mind blowing syndromes...
either ways...life isn't too friendly
walking on either side of the road...
Just walk Kenneth
Just walk...
walk through it blind folded
and come what may...
though in the darkness
the focal memory is yet her...
with no ways of drowning it...
drinks won't do
sleep won't do
and dying is eternity...

"Still feels like the first night together...
feels like the first kiss
but we're getting weaker
no one can be blame for this
I held on like you're still the one
first when our eyes met
still the feelin' I get
wanna hug you tighter
wanted love to last longer
you could turn the fire on....
if my love was not enough...
but my heart was for you alone...
I wanted our future good...
for all that I've not done or you felt that I should...
Please forgive me
the pain I put you through
Please believe me
my love for you is true...

How our lives crossed
but the pain is matched we're not...

I guess,
You need to release me...
though I need you like I do..."


The great pains to have in mind that what you love...
isn't what that is gona happy with you....
Thus no matter how much...
things are hard to be right...
Though it isn't either at fault...
the thorn strikes at both...

Spending the few days without my handphone
and out of the house and in medical red lights...
the isolated moments I had to sit down, with nothing else at hand...
those thoughts struck me to the kill...
many reasons i couldn't be connected...
no phone,
didn't bring cash in the rush...
fever struck soon after...
knocked out dead and tired...
I was totally blocked!...
with just me and the arm chair beside the hospital bed
with my sick and sleeping grand...
What a way to spend christmas...
with worries and sadness...
with the pain I don't wanna have...

sigh...what's the life coming to?...
though I wanna see and hug her so much...
but time I don't have...and I'd wanna try to make...
look at us now...how are we and what are we, I yet do not know too...
Before I know it...I'd be in wilderness and more crap.

all a pile of shit...

How's anyone able to understand the position I'm in...
how to explain when words are cheap...
how to do when time is not my hands when anytime i want I beep...

ARGH!!!!!!!!
THIS IS DRIVING ME TO MY GRAVE WAY FAST!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! HOHOHO!!!!!

I guess christmas is getting too heated with stuff to deal with....
I've reached fever point...
argh....boiling and really bad headaches....
sigh....what a way to spend it....

the company for hospital visit of my grands for her check up was supposed to be tmr!
tmr!!
hypertension kicked up a big fuss and breathlessness struck...
all got worried and she was off to hospital... warded again... sigh...

had headache the whole freakin' day....think I'm dying...
had to head off for the outpatient coz of my ridiculous migraines again....totally sucks!!

hope it's not here to stay...

got home way pass midnight...after a whole day running around the place for my components...totally not fun at all!

need to retire...

Confused at what my status is...
attached?
single?
... what am I really?...

maybe it's...."confused"...


A good friend's dad just passed away...while they were on a family trip...
bid farewell in his sleep in the hotel...
How unexpected and unfortunate things can be...
Just like towards the cross over to the new year to find my aunt pass away...
what a shock I had by a call just a few years ago and I guess nearing the time... the feeling hasn't passed.

So much things....so little time... low on resources... tired...

Spending christmas and new year with military disturbances... grand's problems... relative's sadness...

totally not good at all...

How is not wanting to rack up yesterdays
things you can't change
a very thing that can screw people up?
I thought letting go of yesterday and have new todays was a better deal?

I think no matter what I'm going to say...
what I do....
there is always a waiting moment to catch and fish out a fault
to have me whacked down and blame for....
whatever lah....my fault....
my wrong....my bad....
however you want it...

I can take the trouble in doing certain things...
I can spend however much (but now I'm freaking broke)
or feel however much for....
there is always something to pick about me....
oh well....
oh oh well
well well done!
how wonderful life is.... I'm just one person who can't seem to get some things right....
fark it...it's just me...
I guess I've explained myself eough....

going to burst! argh!

To think I planned
but yet went busted
tix gone wasted
but what can I say
when I'm no more
and nothing am I...

Suay is my middle name...
unlucky i guess...

a day out cut short
to the lab I returned
ending it with my project burnt
roasted plastic and sparking lead
it's gone it's gone it's gone...
so much time of work
all gone at a strike...
OH WTF!

Merry christmas!!!

the touch
the breath
the scent
the warmth
the sweet silence
the hugs
the kisses
the sweet whispers...
the feelings...

Oh how I wanna hold on
Oh how I wanna embrace...
But how then
Where do I stand?

in the midst of nowhere...
lonely and aimless...
harden like i stone...
cracking at every knock...

I love...
the closeness...
the warmth...
the split second moment of looking into your eye
But I find myself
sinking into speechlessness
for the seconds the felt long...
not knowing what to say.

I want you,
yet I don't dare...
in fear again
that you saying I don't care...
then I'd be sunken down
into a pool of blood
formed by my bleed heart....

I guess...
this is the point where
I don't know
if a line should be drawn.
Before I cross over the border
and get oh so deep into you
and yet to find that we somehow
are difficult together.

It pains me so much
to want to love
and to be with somebody...
yet it's so difficult...
And to be reminded that
what working things out really meant...
something that I couldn't give...
coz' I own none and incapable...

Help oh god help!...

Didn't sleep all night coz of the rain...
finally braving the hard pouring and thunder to get out of the dry comfort zone, moving out to the east.
Seeing you melted me. Even while the dog was jumping crazily for my attention that couldn't be shared...
my eyes just followed wherever you floated off to...
I missed you.
But the sight of you dumbed my mouth...
only little actions of pecking on your lips and hugs whispered alittle that hardly could hear.

It pains me to see how things ended up this way...
I love you that when I see you today I wanted to cry...
but I held it...
coz I couldn't say it...
to you words were cheap...
it probably meant nothing for me to say it...
coz whatever I did...
was done...
the result has taken over
Nothing can ever change it...
all with my slippings and faults...
only guy
only human....
maybe it was meant to be...
just friends...
or me just a shadow of you...
watching over...
caring for...
like a crew at backstage...

what's my kinda life?...

The days just went on....
without sleep...
6am in the morning....dragged on with thoughts of aching and pains...
with head filled with so much uncertainty...
I love yet I am incapable...
maybe there is something that I don't have
thus leavin gme unfit...
that a quality that I lack...
or maybe is that the life I'm presently in does not permit.
Well I don't know...

seeing the indian ah neh prof wasn't a fun time too...
with getting stuck on project work once again...
aimless findings...
research with no direction...
test with no guidance...
totally madness.
This isn't the kinda life I wanna be in.
mental, physical and financially straining...
Work, effort and simple dollars and cents
should not be take for granted like that...
it all adds up to good use and bring future smiles...

sigh...
step by step...
I find going on with where I am standing...
status as a student
as a man...
as a guy in love...
it's all in the dump...
totally don't know where I'm heading to...
or what's going to become.

My goals my goals...
to have a family I call my own...
to hit the first million asset rich at 35
finally to set an auto churn system of earnings...

So that I may live in comfort with my love ones
in the furture to come...
no worries of the next day...
to have whatever that's needed and wanted...
I travel around happily with the family of my own...
see a son and daughter grow into their new circle
an extension of where I've been started....
like chains of rings..
bringing on unending continuity...

It's gona be tough as the start...
I always tell myself to push on....
to persevere...
determined...
and focus...

Each time falling into a ditch...be it academic or r/s...
I tend to ponder upon my abilities...
to handle these 2 so trying issues of my life...
like I'd any time
soon maybe...
just die in battle...

those may seem the simplest things..
but yet are the most trying to conquer
most challenging to steer off complications...

I found time and again
I fall into the boggling snag...
hurt, pain, aches...
tears, blood, sweat...
migraines, insomnia, lifelessness...
forming the cocktail of shit...

Here I stand in the midst of the wild...
no answers
no solutions
no way...
pushed on strongly
with a fire
ceasing to extinguish
but gears and axle
unreachable...

The ache of the heart
brings torment to the troubled mind...
how simple gestures
churn a huge wave
then into storm.
I care for
I love..
and everthing else
all my actions of concern
and prideless steps
seem meaningless.
all in one sweep
with just one slip.

Oh my scorpion filled mind...
what do I do?
blow off the fire...
To let all rest and heal in time?
push and let the fire burn within my engines...
where possible slippings
angered frustrations in time
may cause further hurt?...
What do I do?

I love thee,
I care for thee,
I yearn to embrace...

But my exhaustion
and breathless state
brings me further into the days
with a heavy yoke
I don't know if I can bear long enough
told hold the burnings
and steam in angered me...
I'm in control...
I've controlled...
and I've always...
for you
to you
with you...
but what has been done unto me,
why mistakes of similar nature
can't I do?
a complicated human
to a well programmed machine?
which am I to be?

Now what am I to do?
well, unfit to say
in many ways...
so now decision lies on you...
deep down I want...
but slips and faults I may...
thus hurt comes...
so to have this carry on?
or drop it off and take the next step in life and be lonely?...
what is it for us?
what now?...

You I love
Where do I stand?
I'm here
I'm here...
right here...
what say you?

it's so painful to find love
to find that love's future crossing in difficulties...
then to split yet love still lives in between...

like tearing apart a beating heart...
blood keeps flowing unending...

aches and sadness
to the numbness of the mind....

Yet I opened my eyes...
Oh God! it wasn't a nightmare...

I'm watered...

Here I lay...
with sadness my name...
loneliness my second...
and Lost my pet...
couldn't bear the thought
that now I'm just me...
no more us in description...
no more we.
I couldn't sleep the whole night,
thinking about the wonderful times...
and nice pictures we took.
funny how I never took so much pictures with any other
but just with her...
in fact I was never the picture fanatic...
and thus my history becomes a myth...
lost in the hard drive I once had...
but that besides the point...

Beyond the sadness and pain I've been feeling...
yet I smile to myself and say....
at least the better thing that came out of this is...
she no longer suffers...
the pain and anger...
being with me...
things she can't stand and can't accept...
the flaws I hold and somehow doesn't seem to let go.
given awhile...she will be depressed no more...
brightened and cheerful...
unlike the darken days with me...
covered by Kenneth the grey...
who lived not to her expectations...
killing her emotionally too...
Now she is free...
where I am placed in the middle of nowhere...
there...I lay....
Sad...
Lonely....
Lost...
with the hit of 24hrs no sleep and yet widely awake...
I guess... insomnia could be back...
once again to haunt me...
but so what...
let it be then...
let it be...
nothing worth being so conscious about anyway...
like hollow life it is...

The love that I built for
The care and concern I only have for....
was you and now it's gone...
one by one...
just like baby steps...
it fiddled away...
creeping away from me...
all alone I am...
better off away from this earth...
which I now don't see meaning for...
Coz the one I saw meaning in...
even to end any bonds or ties I had of future prospects...
is gone...
walked away from me...
so what's the point now?...
fighting myself not to get affected?...
it's the impossible that I've always feared coming....
all the time I've always wanted to give you surprises..
but either found out...spoiled or found unwanted...
every little bit no matter how hard...
I'd worked for...
and yet have been the first I've ever gone out to work for...
to get things for...
specialty?...
well, I don't do or go to such distance for anyone...
but you...
all you say, you're high maintenance and thus, it's gona be hard for me to up keep...
when all I'm saying is I keep trying...
I believe patience is a virtue...
it's something I held on all the time...
keeping calm and unangered towards you...
where towards you, my temper I tamed...
towards no other...they have seen such in me...
but to you...
everything is different.
How you see me...
is very different from how the others see or they get to see...
because it's been different for them...towards them
compared to you.
Coz you've been special.
I love you.
All this while...
I may not be a type who smokes...likes drinking and stuff...but...
even when it happens on you...
do I take it as you don't love me that much to control yourself?
I don't...
Coz I accept...
I may not like...but I grow to accept who you are...
and in love, or my love for you has been to accept the person you are and they way you are.
That's where you also see however things went...
whatever you did...
I'd still be at the corner...waiting...
in pain or iin tears
but ending with a smile towards you....hoping to hug and kiss you once more
and for you to accept me...
Very much earlier...
put across 3 phases of 400V having a potential across me...
that split... my fight was to be back...
like I made a deal with God...
that if I could just tell you I love you just one more time...
even if I have to go somehow...
with a heart attack....
it'll be all worth it...
Well I guess... now... since all is done...
whatever happens... matter does it not...
the chapter in my life...
coming to a close...
reopen to anew it may not...
just where I am....
sitted...alone...
helpless...
cold...
loveless...
where I fight alone with the dimension of time...
a race I consistantly have been through all the time since I came to work my life...
but whether the fight goes on...
it doesn't matter...
what matters is I've lost...
I've lost you...
the one special...the one I love...
I may not be the perfect person to be with...
but all I can say, I've never lost myself against you...
my mind,
my will,
my temper...
my love...
there was no other coming to level with you in me...
coz there was only you...
and my life surrounded you...
like where I am...is a subset of what school and you are...
there within is my life...just me...
no life...if you drop off...coz school...is just dead.

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

Intentions delivered and received in a wrong perspective is painful...
Truely I miss you so and it isn't that I'm willing to get out of the house for you.
In fact, it would be the only reason that I would get out of the house.

Neither would I want to intentionally kill one's sleep.
I'd be happier if sleep was good and that I didn't unconsciously distrupt...
less moody and grouchy...
more smiley and bubbly...

If I could turn back the hands of time...
I'd wanna tie myself to a part of the bed that no further I'd go to restrict ample space...
I'd wanna hava nice quiet dinner with the special you...
just you and me...
without troubling thoughts of exams and stuff for once...
away from squabbling and arguements...

And just have a walk in town together hand in hand where the crowd mean nothing coz all we see would be just each other...
then time stops while you window shop while I get to see more of what are your likes and wants...
and one day once again I'd find some way to try getting it somehow...

sigh...
or besides all these... it doesn't have to mean doing anything...
just being by your side is more than enough for me...
walking your dog or hopefully painting your room with the arty idea you may have in mind... making it come true... materialising it all as one art piece.

oh well the day is ending...what's the worth of saying such things now?...
but only to my blog... my little diary of events and feelings...

as night begins to fall upon the land... with my body totally cooled down...
the pain and aches of th long run I had starts to set in...
having problems standing up from a sitting position as the knee feels like it's about to detach from my thighs...
and my neck so stiff to unfeeling that my head could fall off anytime without me even knowing...
finally the sole of my feet... suffering from the wears from rough usage...

but all in good time,
it will go away
or distracted
I should say...
coz when the migraine comes...
nothing else aches matters...

probably head down to the physician tomorrow for some chinese traditional cure...
hope it cures
pray it doesn't taste or smell funky...

I hope I won't head back my exhausion...
coz having not recovered fully from the last one...
I'm feeling the next wave....
argh...what a bother!....

Running the Standard chartered Marathon...

Couldn't sleep the night before until way passed midnight...
rolled around in bed...
before I know it....4hrs went flying pass
and it was time for my waking...
Headed off home at 4.45am to the start line...
And that's where it all began...
The marathon....a challenge of self
a mental focus and persistance...
A moment where you learn what dealing with the difficulties you face really means....

The Race hit off with people from all walks of life coming together for this annual run...
A run where you go beyond your limits and yet do a good deed...
Runniing for charity... Breast Cancer foundation...

At the start...it was all good and with ease,
considering the fact that I haven't done a run for about a month since exam fever clouded NTU...
But wait...like I said, it's only the start...
people were on the rush to be in front. Hated running with such crowd.
Anyway, yah.. they were rushing from side to side like mad cows having a predator at their back...
you watch animal planet, you'll know what I mean...hahaa...

The sky was still dark in the wee hours of the morning and the stretch of esplanade to Raffles Place was like a ghost town
disturbed by the mad cows stampede.
The crowd made it feel like it was about 8pm in the evening where people were on their way to partying or some function...
or maybe a family outing...
Well anyway, heading towards 10km, awaiting my injured buddy behind...having a bleeding toe, I jogged on the spot to keep my body warmed up...MISTAKE!!!
that's where hell came along trying to take over my head...
The crams hit...
And that was it...
After every few drinking points or banana freebie stall... I had to stop for a stretch and also had to keep my steps small in order not to overstrain my muscles further...
Partially limping my way with my clicking knee...I was determined not to fall out and to complete this whole thing...this run.
Well your mind and body gotta work harder when things get harder right?... mental power was it!
towards the midpoint, those I saw sprinting madly at the start, were showing signs of exhaustion... crazy right?...
yah...and they had the face of "Why the F**k did I have to put myself through this pain? what's worst, having to pay for it too!"
hahahaa....so I just smiled and galloped my way pass them, the way Min would get me to do from the sink wash area to her room. Talking about Min, during the run, I was missing her... Baby I love you...

the rest of the run was....erhmm..... I really don't know 'coz I reached the point of not thinking anymore... just let my legs go with the flow...pain or not...just let it be. The most important thing is to finish it...
The idea was to just look front and focus, then you have a higher chance of surviving those crams and joint pains...
coz at the side, you have people falling out for bad crams where the toes were all curled up or going into fits too! that was scary...!!
but well like I said...face front and don't think about it, just run...just do it.

Completion was ecstasy... running your own race. A self challenge, testing your determination...
My dad always told me, "Kenneth... the structure of a human is not like those of a horse...don't think you are a horse and think you can run so crazily like them...." But then...you see... completing the run... I get to say that putting your mind to it, the impossible is nothing... the destination is there...always there, if you are determined to finish it, you will... anyone can, just how long you take to get there. The most important is getting there...the point where you wanna be... obstacles will slow you down, but overcoming one by one...the fighting spirit brings you to greater heights with you being a better life fighter...

Sometimes it takes such kinda feats for one to learn something...
well for me...it's that way I guess...
=)

Wow!! what a run!

A run did help for awhile...to deal with headaches....
might have caused some good circulation....haha but I'm no doctor to prove that theory....

Now next problem....
sleeping habits....or should I say...dealing with habits....changing habits...
need to do that....find some solutions....
thinking...finding in process....

Shoot!
Migraine whacked me til I vomitted...
feeling darn weak...
must have been the lack of proper sleep...
just like my days of insomnia but this is like the end result of all that crap

Went for my jab... and headed for muddy to see if I could surprise her or smthing...
by that time it was kinda like 11.30pm or so...
and I couldn't even find her...
guess she left already with her group of friends...
but muddy's wasn't too happening to stay there long either...
so I reckon they would just hop off to another place being a friday...
unlike me struggling in the puddle of headaches...
so I left town...
caught a cab to hava peek at my grandma...and left back for hall...
taxi ride was horrible with the rumbling and lousy driving skills...
something is wrong with me today....exams are off...and why am i feeling like that?....like a problem that hits every time exams are over...
Well anyway I'm glad I'm back...safe from the journey of rumble and stumble...
without care I'd have gotten my life ended this very night in a accident....argh!
oh well... gona see if I have some potential to earn some cash...pitting against some professionals out there....
But I hope time isn't the constrain for the projects....otherwise I'd lose out already....half battle lost...

wish me luck.... !

I let go of what my pain was....
the decision was set....
and I shelf back my books
awaiting the next semester, fighting the battle once more...

I head is crazily tight...
and migraine acted up last night...
but I persisted to carry on pushing to study what I could...
the pain was so terrible I was left stunned and motionless after every ordeal...

I took a sip of beer this afternoon...
and unknowingly got myself into terrible head pounding situation...
and slept and woke up...
slept and woke up again...
until the alarm sounded...
my head was so heavy that I felt I was at all times going to fall off something...
even now...the pain persists...
somehow not stopping and I don't know why...

Wanted to go,
yet by going I might spoil everything...
I wanted to drink the night away...
yet by doing so I'd probably kill myself and my consciousness...
Wanna spend the evening and night with you,
but migraine didn't permit...
All because of me...
All my fault ...

Argh!!!
I should just jump...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't take it anymore!!!!!! I'm going crazy!!!!!! this is madness!!!! killing me!!!!!

Nothing seems to be going into my head!!!...
too short a time in between the subjects!...it's too little time to revise so much!

HELP!!!!
SOMEBODY!!!!
I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm TURNING MAD VERY VERY SOON!!!!!

as i sit quietly on my desk....trying to revise through the semester worth of power electronics...
feeling horrible for tickling Min...and making her feel suffocated in the process...
carried away with all the tickling one another...
I crossed the line...

and I'm feeling she must be pissed off now...

Anyway...besides that whole thing...
I'm on the verge of giving up after having today's paper... think I'm hard stuck on another semester extention in this horrid place...
I really hope not...
and tmr's power electronics isn't helping at all...
turning mad... mad very soon..
it's not about the things to remember....it's the concepts and the amount of things to gulp down all at one go...
the more I go through the more I feel I'm forgetting stuff...and
the more I feel less confident...
Freaking tired...
3 days in a row...
deep inside I'm seriously very depressed though I'm trying hard not to show it...
walking around smiling and stuff... but really... I'm depressed coz' I can't find a way out to this... take it and fail it? or don't take it at all, do it the next semester...either ways it's retaking... but trying it this time gives me a percentage...small percentage of getting through with it...

Argh!...
I'm doomed...The december is getting more shitty packed up with more sch stuff than relaxation....
FYP...my design report to try save myself through a report redemption....hope that actually works....and fighting to build and grasp a website contract to earn me some extra....esp when I'm super low on cash now...

killing me...

just wanna let everything go and have some time for myself....for the things I wanna do...
I just wanna go to sentosa beach....lay there and slack the day under the sun... having no worries and bothered by anything...just enjoy the breeze and the sun...

longing for that....coming from the fact that the may to july wasn't a break at all for me but rather horrible load of crap events befalling... with so much to deal with... Come to think of it...december '06...is supposed to be my last holiday...
and this is what it has to become...

Well done....well done!... better off dead...

I checked my mail...
ping! it popped... an email from my parents...
that got me tearing...
...amidst my horrible stressful week in hand....

"Take good care of yourselves n dont overstress . Stay focus .

Dispel any sense of self-concern, and remind you that others are feeling the same tensions,
which is only natural in times of stress.
The Lord is your shepherd, you shall not flunk;
He keep youfrom lying down when you shd be studying.
He restore yr faith in study guides and leads you to better study habits for yr grade's sake.
He gives you answers in moments of blankness.
He anointest yr head with understanding
Yr test paper run over with questions you recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colours shll follows you.
All the days of yr examinations.

In this time of anxiety, O Loving God grant you peace of mind. Quiet any distress and allow you
to seee clearly yr mission and determination.

God bless you my son,
Love from Mum, Dad and your 2 brothers and sister."


Gave me strength to move on...
Thanks Dad and Mum...
it struck me.... it touched me...

But the stress of exams... yet can't be forgotten.... it's something that has been hard to handle...
since I was a small kid...
the fear has been borne in me.... trying to live out of it...but along the way it will linger...
But thanks! =)

I'm in pain...
oh yes I am...
drilling deep inside
making a hole deeper every second...
is it love to let go
or is it love to fight to hold...
whatever the action is...
however the solution is...
I don't know...
Coz' it's no longer about me...
to me it's purely about you...
just being happy...
when that's done
I am too...
when that's not conquered...
nothing else is...
so where shall I start?
What shall I do?...
this growing pain and my aching heart...
I try not to think about it now
but the feeling just keeps coming back...
I'm dying...
my brains are frying...
feels like I'm worth nothing now...
like fit for nobody...
I'm just waste...wasted material
fat of the land....
And baby I fear losing you
and fear whatever I do or try...
can't get through...
trying is an endless process for me...
I won't stop...
'til you hit the brakes....
............

turning mad...crazy...
rattling mindless funk time to time...
unsure what's for tomorrow...
hard up for today...
pain of yesterday....

I find being alittle too caught up and concerned in what others want....
could in turn make me not being spontaneous...
a lousy person who has no ideas...
I sat down and think while waiting for the docs...
I realised that many times I had something in mind....
something simple... that might not be appealing as something special
or to go out for... I just smack it down in worry of failure...
unknowingly that failure catches me from the other way
and in a different angle...
WTF...

sigh...maybe I'm just a person who considers too much...
trying to avoid this and that...and in the end...avoided doing everything...
there are things I've planned for....failed and got sick of the mess I created...
there were things I mentioned but couldn't materialise thus filling up disappointment...
so to avoid all those....I headed off to another direction
and the direction met with me avoiding what I wanted...
just some simplicity...a time out from the acad world and to spend time with Min.
It's not that I allow all the work stuff get ahead of the matters deal with her....
just that with some knock on the head and reminders...I'd get back on track..
coz somehow...I see there is a point I might sway due to my worries for this and worries for that....argh...WTF...
Maybe I'm just not good and handling these kinda stuff....maybe I'm just not good at handling time...
well maybe I'm just crap at being a guy that a girl needs...
I just pray that as time goes by....I'd find a way out...out of my head and get things straighten out....
all these headaches...must must go...
before I come tumbling down in all directions...
coz then....any direction...wouldn't matter at all....just down...

For all the big and small things....you have affected me...

For the wonderful
For the simple
For the warming
For the hugs
For the love
For the kisses
For the smiles
For the experience
For thought...
For all the time in the world...
For being understanding when I'm most idiotic...
For being the softest when I've gotten all crazy...
For leaving your foot steps on my sandy rocky path of life...
affecting me ever more...more than any girl could have...
And Most of all....
For being the girl I've loved so much,
just by being you...

Thank you baby...





For the one around to hear my pain, to cry my sorrows. The care that you've given since I saw the world...
The light you brought on to me whenever I strayed off course...
The concern you weekly have for me up 'til now and the constant prayers showered upon me...
For the times I unknowingly made you worry...
For the times I've been bad and caused you pain and supposing anger while you didn't break out in fury...
For the times I've failed and you pulled me up to say I am still able and all are not lost...
For the wonders of answers you've guided me through...
For the skills I've gotten that can't be learnt from any school or any place at all...
For the vast encouragement and determination you've given me the strength for...
I thank you all....mum, dad, grandmas and late granddad....and of course....to my dear late aunty nancy...
Wherever I've been, whatever I've gotten to... the foot steps of you all are always left in the paths of my life and in my heart...

For the ones who have constantly supported me...
hearing me out in times of troubles and aches...
for the ones who have been comforting me in troubled waters....
for the ones who were just there....
You know who you are....
Thank you all!

sometimes I just wonder if I'm even of standard...
like am I taking too long to allow things to be realised?
or is it that in some ways, I'm always in need of time to deal with things
and somehow, time isn't at all friendly towards me...

Sometimes I just wanna say how much I wanna do this and that with you,
but yet I'm afraid of the time needed for me to get it materialised makes things worst...
yet again not saying it at all makes it seem I don't bother...
or that I'm not interested...
While the fact is that I wish I materialise going out of singapore, doing something that only the both of us
can be doing together...
God I'm so confused...what is a solution?

within singapore, things are rather restricted...
at my current status, things are limited, like cash... time...
so I find the only way to whatever to materialise would be working towards it...
and that requires time...which I wanna be granted...

Is there a way for all of this?...
fastest...shortest route...
I'm not bothered abt the pain...just wanna get where I wanna be and get what I wanna have materialised with my special one.

sigh...

Oh crap shit!
I hate to read up a whole lot of text after text...
this life really kills me very much and I think very soon....very very soon...I may just die from it...
total madness.
shouldn't the test of a person's capabilities be on the job...the work or project itself?
C'mon, exams basically tests how much you can remember at a go but vomit the whole lot of shit through your hands and on paper.
Everyone looked like some mad scientist scribbling some awesomely crazy formula on the papers....matching the biological memory space and how much closer to a freaking dot matrix printer are their hands.

Sigh....wished that maybe there is a new finding on a real Siao Ding Dang slice of bread...printed with whatever info you need to know and munching on it gets you remember it instantly!

Anymore of this shit I might soon very well turn into Grr of Invader Zim!
sticking out all day my tongue =p and humming the "doomie doom doom doom doomie doom...."
and having whatever I wanna eat in the brain of mine...oh sorry it's in replacement of my brain... =)

I closed my eyes...
like having a bad dream...
I spoke...
on the verge of crying I heard the most soothing voice,
"baby...what is it?... why?"
the very voice that soothes my heart and soul...
brought back calm.
Like things just got worst
like there was no end to the horrible friday that's been...
like all of a sudden in my state of concusion I warped through a few years without you
and still I found myself lying devastated and torn apart...
feeling the emptiness.
to some they wish for time
to some they wish for riches
but to me I need both to bring me across where I am to some part
they all call wonderful.
yet I don't mind being left with nothing
holding on to on my stomach in hunger...
wrapping up in newspaper out in the rainy cold
so long the life then was led with you...
But, I guess that's where I stand...
where my stand is towards you...
what I can't give in the instance
I'd still give in time
empowered by the will of going through means...
sometimes, it's hard
sometimes it's easy...
but whatever it is....
it's the resultant that matters...
Oh anyhow, my dream my dream...
it all started from one single day
when you decided to go away...
I cried but I respected...
believing you know best what you really want...
what you'd be happy living with...
decision laid on you.
Then I found myself setting foot
at the edge...
calling for the reason to live...
the reason to carry on what seemed meaningless...
my life...
I took off and swirled back to a dimension called reality...
a dream...
bringing me back to calm was the soothing voice...
my darling beside me...
Min.

Oh this is dark friday I'm seeing...
the mere strike of it and everything seem to be going quite wrong...
it has to be exams too...
my first paper.
sux totally....

What started the day before felt warm and nice...
in giving it brought much calm within my heart...
in loving it bring me life.
fighting timing towards the 5th day of the week
and ended up being hit at all angles...
for a quiet moment in the darkness I sit and stare at the nothingness...
wondering what the hell is going on to me...
the inital bang of emotional tension hit me hard... but having to handle time constrains i had
to hold on myself and get a grip...
every moment I flip across nicely written loves
it sent me an electric shock.
had I not mention my plans that I hadn't worked out to go overseas...
would things be better?
Had I not mentioned any earlier intentions,
would there be no disappointments?
Had I not gotten the gifts...
would there be discontent?
the fact is...nobody knows....it probably would have been better
yet it probably would've been happening anyway...
But whatever the case is...
it pains my heart very much to see us in such a way.
like all of a sudden the coldness...
killing me slice by slice...
and wow...what next?
a horrible exam paper falling bias to just one side of the student cohort...
totally unfair....
why not make it all open ended? sigh...oh shit exam just gotten through?
I really don't know...
but it topped the chart of craps for the ending of the week...
I can't think....don't wanna think...
pain and disappointment in a summation....

However situations are...
however difficult things may be...
sometimes... through time...
sometimes... just the end result that what I've worked for
will be able to tell...
will be able to bring things a step further...

Words are just words...
yet again, what is intangible and cannot be seen
can be said as non-existance
can be said as undone
all the more unconsidered
and effortless...
at the end of the day,
it's just going to be hope that
through end results bring an idea across better...
brings my heart further...

work things out may just be about me
could be about more than myself
might be everything put together
but whatever it is...
an on-going process it is
a function put through works...
for a final product that can only be seen as worth it
for the recieving end...

The days of coldness set in
the heat'n fever of stress
like an epidemic
spreading like wild fire
the greyness is killing very much
like there can be no light
nothing shining enough
to brighten one's way
Well lucky for me,
Us is what I still can hold on to
at this point of nothingness of my life
at least my sanity is kept...
caring for you works my other senses
loving you brightens my heart
besides the the mental pain we are all going through
undergoing brain damage as a community
in memory overload
in formulation of reasonings from reasons
in making practical uses of unknowns
in the utter craziness of this thing we all call
University Education
A process where the skills of practical survival
are lost or not taught at all...
A process where everything else loses meaning...
Education...
probably life's next big killer
but surely creativity's murder.

sometimes I just sit and wonder....
am I really that lousy in handling a girl?....
Am I not spontaneous at all...?

I'm sad...demoralized.....
sigh...
What the hell....ARGH!!!

"Daily smoothness than a day of great WOW! and a lead and follow up of shit..."

Here I stare blankly at my study schedule...
Not sure if I'm ever going to successfully deal with it all in time...
Yet again, I'm getting real tired...
Awaiting the saturday's observation results...
It's the test of triggering issues.
Argh...what the heck....I can't seem to bother so much about that now.
At this moment... I don't seem to bother crap about the migraines coz I guess
it's just living with it.
don't care if it's psychological or some medical effect...
I just wanna get over this whole thing I'm in.
Just got 2 new fish...calming my senses with my buddy's new set of music...
Reading the 'Special Message' card as I sit at my desk...
All feels well...
But is it?...
Is it really well after all?
who is to tell me that?
Life is like on a long straight road now...just walking and walking...
desert on the sides...
the feeling of awaiting death
just couple of days ago I thought everything was smooth and I was just starting to get hyped
and with things running in my head to do some stuff...
then all of the sudden all went blank...
like i tried to retrieve it but to no avail...
nothing is..
where I stand is a point of "don't know what the fuck is going on" position..
in every sense...
confidence pillar seems to be corroding... and I'm not sure if it is...
like taking a plunge from heaven...pushed down by the archangel..
A big dive it is...
So what I probably have day by day is a masking...
smile or not...what's the difference?
what seems to be like a play going on world stage....
playing a character that is supposed to be...
yet not living what you're feeling...
being split into two...

I wanna break free from my body...
If only I had the cash...
If only I had what I used to...
then, whatever I needed and wanted I'd have...
whatever spoils and pampering I could give...
now...even dealing with daily could be alittle of a problem...
too much now...means lesser tmr...
There can be no balance.
Don't know what happens today for tomorrow to be.
Tomorrow maybe the hardest day to come...
It may not...
whatever it is...24hrs time it'll come.
clock ticks to it's arrival
just live it and before you know it...a new day reaches
and everything passes...
see what happens next...
the heart...soul...is laid down strengthless...
in need of my energizer to fire me up...

Almost 4 in the morning...
And I'm up reading my stuff
self warded for observation...
Just wanna deal with my problems
bring it not to her.
I need this
Almost dying without internet communications
took a short walk around with my trusty Mac
found a Macdonalds and parked my ass there.
Nurse thought I just went off for a toilet break.
Needed to check somethings out for awhile.
I had to do it.
They getting worried but whata heck...
since when what people thought should matter so much to me...
coz when what I felt or thought...didn't matter much to others...
they wanna study me...well... just allow me this short time split.
I'm dying.
I'm disturbed but yet, I guess I'm ready for whatever may come...
My life has been already a swirl so come what may...
like however shit tomorrow is, tomorrow will still come
so just deal with it and get on with my walk.
Just had an SMS session with my dearest awhile ago
and I came to my own conclusion that I just wanna try perk things up...
but how hard is it gona be
How is life gona be by doing so...
trying is a decision I'd make
acceptance will her part to 'make or break' whatever issues there may be.
I may not be the most romantic person to sweep her off her feet
May not be the player skilled to get her crazily in love with
May not be the cash flowing person to materially pamper her...
but I dare say I will be the person who will be there to take care of her with my life at all conditions...
Then again a voice echos back saying that it's afterall not every young girl's dream
to my dismay, once again, what I thought was good stuff acts in a complete opposite direction towards me...
I guess let me first set my migraine shit right...
my mental health...then come back stronger in the new week to come...
With this...I driving off my parking lot and lay down in observation bad with things plugged all over...
and people constantly watching me while I stare at the ceiling above...
Oh life...spare me the pains...
click me off...fast forward...
for me to come back in tuned and well...
ready to take on the month of academic war, EXAMS!
oh F**K it...
JUST DO IT!

Almost crossing halfway through the next morning...
I'm up awake, partially studying and partially in thought of the unhappiness of my love.
maybe we should just be spontaneous... bringing more excitement to the relationship that I want...
like either one of us just have some idea on what we feel like doing that very moment....just kick off and go do it.
I guess I can deal with that...

But I think I'd be feeling the difficulty when it comes to high costing material pampering... compared to anyone out there....
I guess for that I'm at a losing end...
But baby... I do hope you'll accept this part of me...


*so tired but I can't sleep*

Yet things don't get any easier... the road that I hope to smoothen out... I wanna work.

How cool a relationship is
it's very much how 2 work around each other.
The acceptancy, contentment issues...

The truth is that the relationship is important to me such that
I'd bring it up to another level...
Thus the feeling of which makes one feel like married, but not yet.
I know youth is yet another issue.
It seems like what I was looking for then
is very much what I'm looking for now.
A sense of stability, a peace of mind and a love I can comfortably say will last forever.
Yet I'm not saying that others should head on the very same footsteps I've been taking.
It's just me... a guy of a different perspective.

What I have I lay down for you...
My abilities, my strengths, my weakness, my limits, my consciousness, my love, my care, my time, my body, my mind...
What you see is what you get... all put neatly in order for you to see... for the person I am...

All at your disposal and decision...

Sometimes I feel that what I feel and what I decide to do or can do or will do is going to be inmaterial...
coz ultimately it's what you see them as that makes the difference.

I may love and want to hold on to...and fight for...
but if by keeping I have you unhappy... living by my decisions...
the course of actions then would be better to have it as yours to decide upon.

Baby...
I believe we did have our happy times....wonderful moments that makes the feeling of worth at the end of everything else...
but it's essentially all for you to give weightage to and all up to you.

Darling...
your card... A special message...
when given to me...fluttered my heart so much that each time I read it everyday I'd tear and smile to myself...
it brought meaning to everything in me...
I believe it too means very much to you too....

Like an aimless soul on the move...
my mind wonders how my love is feeling...
Are things alright?

"its just like a cigarette
but between me and you
i don't want the truth
i wanna feel fucking cool .
and its just so tiring."

Or am I just again not being able to see it?
baby I hope you'll tell me which way it goes...
or this wasn't meant for me?

For the hard times that have us understand each other better
For the good times that strengthen us
For the pain that made us strong
For the love that to each other we bond
For the time I'd just spend thinkin' about you
in the good and the pains keeping me reminded
I'm human and alive
For the love of a girl I give my whole heart to...
Darling, for the wonderful times you made possible...
my blood rushed and my heart fluttered...

Spark and us...

Being asked about my husky...
it only pains me to not be able to see it now
maybe you don't know the pain i feel...
but the care i give it... the amount I'd put in to have it recovered.
I've wanted one and I'd always love it to have it to be with it...
but has it been easy?
every thing in my life has a reason...a meaning
spark's was you when I felt I totally lost you...
the only thing that kept me
with memories was spark...
of us looking at its breed and such...
the wonderful moments I held on
coz it felt like we were getting something of our own.
And even now its as important to me as keeping us alive...
and also keeping me standing...


the pain comes worst
with being compared to the confidence of us...
I grow weaker...
strengthless to the ground I fall...
though my face shows none
but my heart aches...

If taking us in this context...
then I see that no matter what... I've kept coming back
I kept myself going for you
not giving up on us...
it's something I've wanted...
even lost I still reached so much for...
my mind, heart, soul...everything was lost altogether
without you...it was such...
If it was just wanting and lost of appeal through pain
or anything at all...
it would've remained lost....and lost into forever.
But what's been happening isn't...
everything I've got I thrashed in...
to the last sec of my sanity I stand...
in a fight for us...
coz I believe it's mutual...
in love...

to me... what can affect me so much...
is meant for forever...
it doesn't lose appeal in anyway....it doesn't fade in me

I loved us
I love us
I still love us
I have always loved us
I will always love us...

most of all...in us there is you, min...

you keep me high
As I soar I fly
my heart with you
emotionally intrinsically safe...
But I guess...
Happy moments...wonderful times
efforts worth...
love thoughts and everything else...
has never been enough...
to you... I've never been the one...
probably not worth it...

Thanks for all the time...
the wonderful memories...
the care you showed...

But what you never know ...
the state i am...
it was all of you...
yet ironically the only strength to prolong...
was yet you.

you'll never know....

Life and love...
Love defines life
and where life is...
there should be love
on a daily note..
difficult it is to strike a well balance
where life is in concern...
never know when the next step you gona take
is the right or the wrong way
only thing that one can say...
"I believe"
"I try"
Making the right choices
is very much on one's own perception...
I guess I've gone through all that to hit the point I am today...
made my choices
I screwed it up or fucked it up
took up some options to smash it down again
took some risks to get myself into trouble
went into things knowing that I'd feel pain for
But for everything I walked myself into
There is yet a reason to...
Very much because of what my heart has led me into...
My love for doing certain things....
My love for a special one
would all these be right to do so in the first place?
I don't know, but yet I do it.
of course mistakes were made along the way...
life is a way long learning experience...
just that some mistakes made hits you back painfully...
while others make you step back at it...not wanting to go there to try again
and yet, others will still give you the feeling of a second try...
Everyday, I sit back and wonder how should I deal with certain things...
Or for now, I wonder how should I keep some things going
while getting some problems to stop it's moves in my life.
And also wondering what's the right step to take
for that special one with me...
Everyday it's a rumble of thoughts in my head...
an unending burning of brain energy.
Ultimately...
It's yet an understanding of me being only human settling in...
making wrong moves...mistakes and falling
then learning and getting up from it all is just a normal process
To live with it...
though most of the time it sets me on a coma in time....
like in a crossroad....where no signs of
what's good and what's bad is shown...
nothing spells spoils or graces...
just blank...
Life...
whatever it is, just love...
just believe and try...
at the end of the exhausion...
where you lie strengthless
and going away...
Just know at least, you did your best...
that's what life is all about...
enjoy the fruits of love
whatever and wherever it may be...
survive the toils to better days...
feel the pain to appreciate the beauty

Just give your best of the moment...
you'll never know when tomorrow's
never gona come...

And for all I know...mine could be near...

Is that my limit I see coming?

My head
my mind
so full of scorpions
it's said that at any trigger
depression strikes...
Thus the very thing that has driven me
will be that very thing that shatter me into pieces

Is it my limitation now?

I want to carry on
I want to get things on
but why is it so difficult?
A man of mistakes I am
I can't help but to start feeling
that at I'd be frequently failing
and getting up though difficult I still did
Going for the next step to carry on
I keep in mind my love for her

But when depression hits
I'm not even sure if I'd be able to pull this through...
coz' then probably, whatever I'd do
won't be in my grasp...
and in random switching of my damaged mind

The weekends has come
the moment for my treatment
leaving me shivering in horror
feeling of uselessness
and define me strengthless
will hit by a jab
But is it all working?
I guess my only true therapy
needn't go far...
Coz' plainly, it's her...
she has defined my moods
my sleep
and just me...

I love her
I see what truely loving is...
that even through pain
through difficulties one'd tide over
to push things through
make things better...
I try to understand...
I try to make amends...
For her...
Only her...
Just her...
I care and I do really care...
right to the last breath of me

Given my mind
given my soul
given my body
most of all...
given my heart...
What's left is time...
and it's time that is unending
can't be given,
But shared...

beyond the brim of my mental ability
the depth of my burning soul...
the exhausion of my body...
with the wholesome of my heart
And the end of my time...

jabs after jabs...
spiking of the needles
pain in my flesh
oh bleeding I see,
but yet my brain hath no feeling...
only numbness to the effect...
slowly my body floats
so lightly my head felt departed
strengthless...
uncontrolled letting go of everything else...
free...
but with the power of the mind...
in moments I find myself back to square one...
in a rat race... urban war... emotional yearns and consciousness...
There I reach out for you... and you're not around....
where art thou?

All about you

Baby when I look at you
Darling I see something new
Takes me higher than before
Makes me want you more...
When I look at what my life's been coming to...
It's all about loving you....

The more you want her
the more she moves away...
with the slight carry away
and she says you'd not want her today

a moment's actions simply
unfairly defines your entire purpose...

life has to be more balanced...

I'm turning mad!

my weirdest feelings..."I've got a feeling...."

I've got a feeling...
I might have lost you...
that since the day we were supposed to talk
but yet didn't know how to say...
since we left the motion of the topic...
the very topic of us...
I've got a feeling
I lost you...
The chill that I feel
here and there...
the silence disturbing...
just between us...
And that somebody might be making advances
while I fall off from you...
probably that somebody has been making advances
way before we even had problems...
and struck into it while we were at it...
I'm wondering...
truely... am I still there inside?
or am I just something who is just there
for you while you are left free?
Sometimes, I find myself falling for u all over again
yet sometimes I hold back in fear of our problems
that they may arise once more.
I loved you and I loved you more than what you can think and imagine..
Maybe we somehow have to make some things clear between us...
Maybe being in limbo isn't much good...
I don't know...
I always want to be your special someone...
yet I dare not ask...
we left us once and coming back
our expectations rose...
my practicality
my personality
my character
my situation
I hope they were things that will never hinder
our loving continuity...
Maybe someday you'll understand...
All along I'd wanna be your man...
now and always...
This point on
I've trust in you
a trust that at the end of the day
you know what you want out of everything
I am not questioning anything
don't want to tumble on that no more...
But if you think others are more worth while
advances made and you pick them...
then I guess...
up to you to decide...but tell me...
who may love me...
but yet may not want to be with me anymore...
if it's to hurt
then...it's to hurt...

I loved you...
Just not having you see it...
Having you to think it's love
made from convenience
which may probably be why
why you have been in questions yourself
and laid mental criterias for me to fufill
to thus prove myself...
my tragic state...
my tragic fate...

I've got a feeling...
But I guess you'd never reply...
I might just never know....

What am I standing on?
What am I sitting on?
Oh is it comforting to be?
No... it's filled with uncertainty...
who lays the grounds?
who says if I'm found?
who knows?...
Where art thou who can answer all these?...

sigh...days of my life...

oh well...

Coldness in acrid gashes
sharpness with every cut
oozing blood into numbness
unconscious to the damage
the hurt fills redness
honed wedge carries on its works
and soon heading towards a kill...

Is this all intended?
Must a step back be really taken
with pure selfish thought?
no wishes to take that route...
with actions against own nature
but crossing the line
means "no return"

The happiest moments in memory
warmth that arises from emotional contact
oh the fuzzy visual connection
the rising heart beat
from the blood rush of intimate scent
And the electrifying oral bondage
a feeling like dough in boiling oil
fizzing uncontrollably...

sigh...

Thanks...
But why do I feel you
feel my affection repulsive?
sometimes it's insulting
and reduced to nothing...

Unless you say...
I'm beginning to feel this way...

A night of comfort sleep
though short and partial awake...
When I did, deep it was...
like I never want to wake up
In the arms of warmth and cosiness
Unalone and embraced...
I was happy...were you too?
Though it was different
but I guess I'll take whatever is left...
to spend my days
holding on to sanity.
I tear and I bleed
but I hope it doesn't fall one side
If it is... I'd let go instead
for burden it should not...
All I know,
taking away affection,
emotions, actions, sight,
and every else material...
I still find love in me...
Maybe that's how
"loving until it hurts"
comes about...

Headaches and migrains swarmed
waves after waves...
going through the day was hard...
thinking of you took my mind of the physical pain....
just having your smiles in my mind...
self sufficient?...
I'm sure not...
well, but your imagery works
was brilliant...
Alas! my body grows tired...
exhausion sipping in bit by bit...
with the mind still trying to empower...
A zombie I may seem...
but very soon....just very soon...
I might turn off the lights...
uncontrolled...
just hope that if I awake...I'd see the most beautiful sight to me....
Just you...
Only you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me hold you
I can hold you longer
Let me feel you
'til my heart is stronger
Let me love you
I can love you tenderly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost in a split
I'd find myself in strangest lands
a place I'd find myself
just me all alone
a moments bang
I closed my eyes
seeing you in a distance
yet I couldn't call
your smile gave me the warmth
though I was in pain
soothing...
A streak of light flashed
piercing my eyes and voilent shaking
I found myself in a state of shock
unknown to the surrounding
unfeeling of what's to be felt
my only thought...
would I ever see her again?
It's at these times where
you find what your mind's been thinking
what you want to embrace
yes it's you that pretty face
But maybe then,
to go would have been better
where I see you from afar
embrace you in my tear
and yet a mistaken fall
for the love of me might disappear
easing your pain into the forgotten
and then move on...
though sadly I'd follow...
just follow behiind
for I'm your pain and comfort
a confusion in your world taken apart
But then again,
if I lost a chance to forever
an eternal sadness would befall me
as day by day time goes by
and you I see yet can't touch...
and nothing I can say
soon, my soul...
banished it will be
just die and gone...
gone into forgotten
So...
I'd strike to live
to hold myself together
just to see and hug you one more time
breathe your familiar scent
that puts me back into comfort...
then where I go
come what may
I'll just flow...

I'm feeling alone tonight
with no you by my side
even as you're there,
I see there's something on your mind...
I feel as if the love shared before
is in both of us confused that I hope to cure
'til this time
do you know I still love you...
but I don't wish for us
to end up in a squabble again...
baby I miss the times
when we both were secure and sane
smiling away from all this pain
I want to think objectively...
I really need to...
coz I'm not sure if you're ready for the life I'm leading...
but I know it's hard...
'til now I still tear with every moment
arise my wanting to having you near...
yet I can't...
I'm lost...I want to find myself...
I don't know how we should conclude us...
maybe there is a way
I hope one day
answers will come to us...
or do you already have in mind?
I don't know...
where are we?
what are we?
all I know that still
every moment in time...
I'm missing you...

A lousy day just went by
without you by my side
I've got to admit...
I miss you
what used to be
and what's not right now...
starting to work my head off everything else I can think off
but at the end of the day... I find...
myself mentally exhausted...
can't carry on...
though physically still hyper active...
flashes of you sparked before me
I tear...and looking at what happy photos we had
the harder it came...
I just hide in my shell...
in fear of angry faces...
and only anger emotions...
feeling the lowest once more...
no matter what others may say
but the kenneth still lies
lost... not knowing where to go...
though somehow will get up strong
but aching seems like's here to stay...
yes...yes...
I still miss...
missing you...
with this...I'd just want to leave my room
and into a run unending... where only thing I think
my breathing pace...
where am I...
how long more...
and problems left behind...
til I return...
back in the cubicle...my room...
0207 a place of memories
a place we started once more.

A second day
with a heart without a home
gone is the candy to my eyes
come a thief in the middle of the night
to steal my heart away
then it will have a place to stay
with no love
it's the only way...
or I'm just stranded
like a devil without the horns
an angel without my wings
niether here nor there
Just fallen...
right here on the ground
lost and unfound
Let me burn...
Burn away
What's the point when
I'm not sure where I am
reaching out for nothing
just nothing at all
all I feel is the heat
the tears the pain
how long once again?
how long do I have to feel this pain?
need to drift away to the open
the great open of mental freedom

Deep beyond my anger
there's sadness
alittle walk within you'll find pain
Beside is where you see tears
And finally reaching the core
Yet you still find love

Yet another night
tanning under the lonesome moonlight
I see myself once again
having just me for company
Could I help it?
There's nothing I can do
nothing more left to do
the pain resides sinking
slowly spearing in
with ever beat right through
the weakened heart
I cry the hardest tears
to know what I had
and what I loved
the very drive I had
is now gone...
all the energy in-store
if only love was for who I am
not what I could give
surprises that were planned
treats that were awaiting
just had to vanish or gone wasted
floating into the nothingness of the air
What else could I do
those were only meant for you
If only patience was the virtue
the little things would've been picked up
and at least the effort
was still appreciated
One will never know
the preparation
the slow heartful process
with every little thought
wholesome love was garnish
Afterall it's the result that mattered most
maybe lovers
where commitment plays no part
and thus expectations levelled
your space and mine
lives knitted yet departed
the course of uncertainty sets
and back to where time started
we return again into us
directionless and no where to go
Back to where I am
with nights
tanning under the lonesome moonlight...

Sigh...

heartfelt emotion
Creeping from deep inside
Cause being this person
Is all I've got left resides
all I want is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
Cos all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you think you know
You don't know

My love for you has always been beyond what you'd expect
but with it intangiable
to feel it is to take time in appreciation
my heart opens to you always, a door I never closed
no matter what and no matter how
no matter what you said to me
no matter how you'd treat me
it still stays the same
it never cast you away from my mind
rather keeps you in somewhere safe
'til the day hopefully you'll able to recieve
I'm not saying I'm a man with no flaws
in fact I was built with flaws to a million
yet at times there are things that were done with a reason
mistakes that slipped for none
I pray one day
that very one day will come
when you and I can settle our differences
coming together and just be happy...
in content and joy...
young you are now
and I guess you'd feel there are many out there
who can offer you more than what I have
more than what I materially give now
a better brain to immediately remember all of you
Maybe until the day you fully understand
what's commitment, value, cherish and stability...
most of all that love is nothing about what the other does for you
but loving with everything you have...
I'm there.

I want to love you...
I want to be there for you
I want to be beside you
I want to make you happy
I want to be everything you want of from a guy....
Does that guy exist?
Are you working on with me?
oh please...why do you have to do this to me?
Do you even have us towards forever in your mind?
Did it ever resided in you at all?

relationship
isn't about just thinking you want us to work out
isn't about telling your friends the problems more than you talk to me about it
isn't about just hinting and carry on hinting if it doesn't work...
isn't about just you
isn't about just me

I built my world around you
just to let you topple it again and again
I wrapped my heart and to enfold you with love
just to let you smash it and tear it apart
I put away every pride I have begging to have you back
just to let you hit me with cold treatment
I took away any hurt and every pain of the past
just to let you place them in again
but through it all...
I loved you with all my heart...
everyday hoping
just to let you truely love me back...
for who I am
for what I am
for how I am...
I guess you don't exactly practice what you preach...
coz all the things you said you've done before
you've not done any for me

How do you love me?
What have you loved me for?
Anyway... thanks for the time you put urself through that seemed so torturous to you...
seemed so hurtful to you...
I'm the cause of it all...if that's the way you'll like to see it...

Really, what was today and what was 4 months ago...
it remained indifferent and as cold you were as hard hearted you were...
you are still just like it as before...
Did you love me more?
Or is it my imagination and a story told by you bringing me in make believe?

What is it now? oh what is it now?
At a huge lost I am... this is madness...crazy...
Getting all pissed...irritated with everything and anything?... what about she smoking?
She just hits at it without having back the thought that I'm affected by that habit of hers?
We talked about it before too right?... And so why is it that she is still at it and not controlling at all?
And by me making a slip... she can't freaking stand it and has to slowly break things up...
Oh no I'm sorry you didn't want a break up, but why are you emphasising the thing that you aren't happy about this and that?
And about everything I do is seemingly pointless and not making any change in the way she feels and stuff?
You still love me?
Do you? really?... I'm saying that we trash things out as a couple...and move on from it...
but you are saying you don't get any answers from your questions and whatever you point out about me I don't accept.
Have you ever thought that your being self righteous is whacking all these up?

Telling me you want us to workout about a month ago...yes I do see you loving me more... but have you changed anything for me? I'm supposed to be the one to understand you... be around for you....buy this and that for you... pamper you...
So tell me...look at it on the other side....at another angle...
What is it that shows me you want me in the first place?... Or is it that I was freaking blind and just gave us another chance after all the pain I went through... though it was 3mths apart... recovery for me? you got to be kidding... it was 3mths of pain...
you broke up with me not the other way round.
I felt the hurt... and the hurt I felt was far far harder than you think.
With you telling me straight int he face that you don't love me....
is that easy to take?...
Never did I ever told you I didn't love you... never did I ever rip your heart apart causing the huge ache...

You cry and you cry harder...with your friends around to support you...and just say that "aw kenneth is not making you happy....just break up with him".... so how does that even help?
It totally doesn't

I'm starting to see something here... I feel that there is 2 ways to go about this whole thing....
I guess maybe, we should just give both ourselves a time out...a time to sought things out...
for you to think it through if you actually are ready for a true relationship...in reality.

With nothing, you think romance easily comes? all I have is the left time I have after all that I must deal with... all I have is the heart to love you even after so much hurt I've gone through....you don't feel it coz you probably want something tangiable... something that you can see... But you never know that somethings are only seen beyond the present...

You talk about other guys able to buy you gifts and such...
where does the money come from?... solely them? they work full time for it?
Or is it pocket money?
What I have is my hard earned... every cent was my work... thinking before I spend is something I have to...
I don't take my finances for granted... I don't have enough I've to live with it... do you?...
I can't just reach out my hands to ask for alittle sympathy cash...
And beyond all these...what I have I give... why don't you see the value behind everything?

You only have done the "maybe Kenneth is....." besides that?
Do you go all out for me?...tell me?...through the one month...I saying, Darling ...my dear..you really haven't.
And I don't ask of that from you, because I know it's really crazy to want impractical stuff to happen...

You say you buy small things for me also....oh yes...sorry I do that too...
I'd go all out to get you stuff to surprise you too... but it's only that you don't appreciate it.
And just now it seems so easy for you to take all the things out to return it back to me.... c'mon... for me, taking out every part of my memory of you is like tearing a part of myself...even walking out and shutting the door at you.

Whenever you've not eaten, I can't bring myself to even go for a meal because I can't be filled when you arent...
so when was it that this all happens the other way round?

I would walk through odds to get to you...but to you it's just about getting to you and not what I had to go through...
coz it's only the end results... So have you ever thought that it's not me not trying in the first place?
You mentally talking to yourself...telling yourself that "maybe...Kenneth....blah blah blah"... is also in the form of mental loving me...but how do you show it through your actions? on what you'd do for me that tells me you really want this all to work?
I'm the one making changes....yes I slip once in awhile....but are you going to let that go? the little mistakes of slipping? and understanding that I'm human and not robo Kenneth?
To me it's fine that you make mistakes....and if people can't let you get away with it...they are petty...
I'm here not even remembering anything you did wrong or thoughtless...not because you didnt' do it, because I feel that all those aren't worth remembering.... to spoil and sour the relationship...
What for? moreover I'm afterall a practical person.

I think you and I have to rethink...us...
we should stop and think about everything else... both of us seriously need time.
But I guess saying all these are just only side of thought...
if I'm anything to you right now...and you feel it's all a pain to go through thinking about us...
nevermind....forget it...
I'll stand the aside...and abide by what I promised....

My pain and heartache...
is just but a minor splinter to you...
all that mattered was yourself...
never thinking what I went through
Just to be loving you
All that mattered was error
that I had no allowance
a step into it
simple rage the entire of your world
firing anything that hurts
like a million spears
yet spare me not...
peirced my fragile heart
every single shot did...
leaving me weak and disabled.
Yet I drive myself still
having my love for you
the love that you found no appreciation for
the love that you didn't feel...
the love that you felt were just words...
to move on to walk up to you
saying I still love you
no matter what I'll still be there...
I'm not giving up
not because I can't live without you
rather I don't want to live without you
I want to make it with you...
but hey, have you ever tried?
really reaching out for the other side....?
loving you was the happiest thing I could ever think about
but what does loving me mean to you?
trashing me up once...
twice and thrice?
I don't verbally hail hurt at you
neither do I with any intent
I say things that in general
one would think about
while wanting to work a long term r/s
for once that hit you
and all of you are against me
I'm feeling so much pain but do you know?
Do you care?
Every call I get from you after our tiff
my heart skips a beat
thinking that things will be alright...
Things will be great between us once again...
I look forward to forever with you,
and work on things beyond what you can see now...
My feelings are true and things that you can count on
to have by your side always...
even when the world is falling against you
I'm still there...
But how am I to show you all that?
I guess....I guess...
oh the pain to say...
you'll never know...
unless you truely open your heart
and show by actions too
how much I mean to you
That in all these, it's not just me...
it's about us wanting this to happen.

Maybe it's easier for you to let me go
with your friends' support of putting me away...
and somebody whom you feel is sweet
all around you...

Against where I stand...
a person whom you find no sweetness comes from...
and hurt that he can't understand
unromantic that makes you wonder why to love him...
And most saddening of all...
a guy whom you feel unhappy and painful to be with....

I hope I'm wrong...I hope I'm wrong at all these...
I wish things were different
I wish we both are happier together...
and that you'll truely understand my difficulties...

The start of the 'catching up work' week...with the coming week 10 of this semester a simulated scare of SARS...
Darn...so those couldn't care less people crammed us all into lots of work to deal with in just a week of so called break.

Just done with the horrible subject test...a long 1hr plus... wasn't funny.
It was turning me nuts! driving me against the wall...
Even after studying so much for it yet many had no idea how to deal with the questions that hit us!
Can you imagine? What's the whole point of this?....to kill us?

Fortunately I didn't just put up my time on that....for the whole night...
managed a quick ani-project to earn myself a quick $100...cool huh....

I guess it's worth it...1 sleepless night to work up something and with alittle luck to gain favour. Otherwise my works through would've been for nothing....

The only thing that drove me for that was wanting to lighten the load of my poor darling who lost her handphone on sunday...
I know I can't take on huge projects now that can earn me enough to get her a whole new one....but I hope this would at least help in some way...

Maybe if I can find some others, I'd do as and when possible to bring in alittle more...so the lost isn't that great on the cost... but of coz the sentimental value of it means way beyond what we can value...

sigh...a longer week to go...so much to deal with...yet duno where to start and don't know how to...
it's madness...I just want to spend some time with her...


Let there be wind
Let there be rain
A lark and a dove
But oh please most of all
Let there be love!

My memory hits

The more my memory hits
The more the strain
The more shivers sent
The more exhausion sips in
And soon the weaker my legs are
The numbness flows
There I stagger to a stop
The feeling of collapsing
And down I go
My eyes shut into the darkness
And there once again
Reality sits in
The more my memory hits...

There is no running away...
What's strongly in me,
has been with me since time started
In April yes the beautiful sparks
the little bright light
shines as aways through and through
In joy in sadness in pain
then in joy in sorrow in pain
How the flow is and went
Yes...oh yes it still stays
and thus my memory hits...

My love..My dear, My darling...
Here my hands outreached...
how can I enfold you
with my wide open embracing arms...
Warmth I give
your sorrows I take
My tears I wish to wash away the sadness between us thereafter...
I awaiting...
here...I am...
right here waiting for you...