I take a moment of silence to reflect the day....
bring in my thoughts...
what's been circling around me meant...
my mind...
my soul....
Paul...you've got to know that there are times, you love a person so much, but yet hate at the same time...
my context... in those moments you love the person so much that you hate the fact that you can't live without the person.
You can never escape the person...
Your probably next topic...
There is much to think about but placing it in a moment of thought....
this is what I've got.

Getting back to my head...
Don't know what's with this salsa feelin'...
the feelin' of grooving to salsa music or some cuban dance mix...
it's just feeling like I'm free...
=)

mid week...it's just about half way more to go...
Wasn't too difficult was it...? =)

And today...
I'm reviving my Graphic Design and Sound editing Freelancing!!
Just made me biz cards!
So....Graphics stuff...or prints for anything....c'mon make this your starting point....ask me.... =)

I've been staring at this page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for awhile
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried?
My secrets and yours shared on a silver try
Hey now...
I guess the night's just bringing you down
There's no love, there no hate...
All I leave them here for you to take
But whatever I've been saying...
Was a piece of my heart.

Sitting by the side of the table...
listening to the soft soothing sounds of "book of love"
played skillfully on a saxophone...
sipping on strained mocha espresso...
setting my mind on my surroundings...
awaken my senses...
Oh I miss sleep...
I wish to sleep tonight...
shutting off to the darkness of the world...
the knocking out of my mind...
But wait, if it's ever best...
I may just dream...
moments that could ever happen to me...
elements of emotional risk...
My enjoyment of singularity...
my yearn for company...
...
a head lifted high...
a confident guy...
a strong willed...
but behind there is always a need...
but hey...it's not time...
oh yes it's not time...

in due time things will fall in place...
like leaves settling on the earth
after some time of gliding and swifting
in the gradual calmness of the air...
though some times it can be so difficult...
but yet it could be so on the other side...
spikes....
spikes of my life...
jabs of my heart...
aches of my mind...
there I stand...
at the end of the day...
in will I'd smile the heart to bring light...

Damn....today is great....good day....lol....Wooohoo!
Can one imagine out of the blue I came upon a point of earning 350 just by talking and not doing anything!!!
does that sound good or what!...lol

Shit money is good when the karma is good...
it just comes when I need it so.
hahahaa...just when I thought I was just about to get real poor this month.... well this could be a good set for next month I guess...
some gd stuff to buy....hahaaa
oh wait....am I hearing the retail therapy?... Oooops

Today i suddenly had the butt shake feeling for salsa....madness but heck I like....hahahaaaa
Boogie!

"An image of your face
runs into my head...
over and over again...
how's it now?
is tomorrow going to be hard on you?
I don't know
but here I stay I prayer
I seek the highest
blessing you with better tomorrows.
How I've little time
but through it all I care...
wishing it's all alright
yes over there on your side...
I shut my eyes
I see and remember the times
when you were beside me
through my difficult times...
off and on it went
and patiently you listened
and understood...
every moment that passed
seemed like it's been decades
that I last saw you...
You somehow have been a part of my life...
that remains as a spark that can't fade...
sometimes as I sit alone in my empty room
tired from the day's work and rushes...
I wished you appear right before my eyes
so I can see your smile...
that warms my heart
and I believe everyone else around you too...
coz to me...it's been long...
so very long...
and the clock ticks every day away to weeks and months...
oh those precious moments
I tear as I wish I'd not need to do without...
I want to say I miss you so...
but yet somehow I can't...
what is it for my special thing
when even that I can't do...
so I just sit and pray for you in my heart..."

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave my hand to hold
taken beyond where
I could see
but was released and a fall I go
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
but now I am invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of life
I must be invincible. . .
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
but love is risk I would take
If I had known that then
my eyes are wide open
I still believe I would've missed it
But it's always a blessing
never a curse.

A set of irish cream
I dash of little happy food
and a drop of banana choco
a good set of mix for a happy heart.

=)

It's great to see the difference that can be made.

I closed my eyes and I thank God for a great guides he has given me...
1) my mind (rebellious but careful)
2) my dad (analytical and simple)
3) the support of mum. =)
4) God himself for giving me great chances...good or bad.

yet another mixture of wonderous becoming...
taking life learning at warp speed...
=)

In chatting... I realised how much I've changed myself...
being positive and the thing about SMILES!
way different from what I was in a moment in time back....
it feels good....in fact....great.

Spreading it....and making people feel so, feels even better.
and the smiles they give are yet comforting.
Perspectives in life changes over time.... though the vision stays
the route to it takes a warping bold move into another path...
and sometimes it's a good thing...in this case it is.

Love life...
and life will be good....
think negative...and whatever improvements there is will never be enough...

taking some time to think...
I found the life I led...
is yet way different from many...
and it leaves people in surprise...even myself...
could be called as crazy...
could be said as eventful but whacky...
it all depends...
you live that moment only once...
without commitments, it's always worth giving it a shot...
coz in future when you want to, you might not be able to.
taken risk in my own finances, my physical self...my emotional self...
so far it earned me quite alot...
and it doesn't have to be getting richer in monetary value but rather richer in experience
something that people can't take away...
it makes the difference between you and me...

V-day's comin'....alone?.... well...there is yet much to be done...
but yet, I think... it can be another great day putting aside all the other stresses of tests the following day...
spending time and have the little things for those who matter most...
in fact...if in daily...you reach out to as many...it matters more than just a day...
Life is good!
=)

Tough week ahead and pulling up my pants....I'm braving this storm...
friday will be a nice chill out day by the pool side in the evening and see how my creation has gone...
good or bad...we'll see the results on people's face....lol....
cheers!

where it all started...

We smiled, that's how it all started
And you came right in time
When I needed someone
And we said hello
Suddenly, my heart was beating fast
At the mirror you fix your hair and put your makeup on
You're insecure about what clothes to wear
I see nothing wrong
To me you look so beautiful
even when you can't make up your mind
It's half past eight, it's getting late
Oh It's OK, take your time
Standing here my hands in my pockets
Like I have a thousand times
Thinking back it took one breath
One word to change my life
The first time I saw you it felt like coming home
If I never told you I just want you to know
You had me from hello

Sometimes in life...
the expected keeps us going...
moving on from day to day
giving us the push in so many ways...
It is yet the unexpected changes our lives
giving the twist of fate...
Often in realisation in what we were either once blinded
or have taken for granted.

Here I stand out of the many worldly troubles I used to have...
I see those in pain, in suffering...
but yet to some extence there is nothing I can do...
only to be comfort...
only to be there...
only to show that in us, we can be stronger than we think we are.

Walking off the recent journey I saw how weak I once became.
I saw how I could be brought down to the ground by...
I saw what was it that really tore me apart...
It was probably yet again me...
so much for the practical mind, that allowed impracticality sip through
in view of certain desired possibilities...
Not that I didn't see troubles coming out of an action...
but I'd just take the risk anyway for the hope of proving myself wrong...
wrong in certain stuff...
I've challenged myself so much through 9yrs of my life...
physically especially... and now I want to place the challenge against me mentally?...
It's madness but it sparks self realisation...
Fortunately nature is such..
that you can be down...but there is no way you can stay there too long...
you'll bounce up to greater heights...
And there....
there's now I will reach...
it's how I feel I'm getting stronger...
Maybe then, there has been a reason to all these...
I guess this should be it...

There afar I should see my light coming nearer as everyday approaches...
every tomorrow is brighter...
every today is a breeze...
and every yesterday...
a good memory.

Even as the water flows...
flows into forgotten rivers...
I keep the understanding to my question...
how is it easy to some to let go of a ball so easily after picking it up....
Well...actually the answer could just be simply said as...
one enjoys purely on the rolling in of balls into grip and spoiled for choice and colours...
and so the call of "keeping the balls rolling" comes...
no matter how... it's never long enough to realise the uniqueness of every individual...
so none ever suiting...keeping in mind that with every moutain, there is always another yet higher...just unfound.
keeps will never be. so as contentment.
Well only after learning.

There is nothing lousier than cursing about something one moment and saying you don't care the next...
Whatever the odd perceptions maybe... It all doesn't matter anyway...
So much for the care of the well-being on you
So much for the helping you in the things you need help for...
So much for even loving... when the difficulty in dropping it off was only one sided...
So much for the giving when the appreciation wasn't much and yet was deemed too little...
So much that for all that I felt for...
Friendship hits a point of
talking to water and pouring it away...
memories like the wind blow of lang lang seeds

but like i said...beyond all these...
it was yet an experience...
An eye opener...

life is good...life is purely good...

Hmmm...no matter how a good weekend it was with great people in my life...
good buds around and time with my family....
There is yet some spiking feeling that someone is misunderstanding something about me...
well maybe....or so I start to feel by the tone of words that come through.

What I've said in my troubled times...were basically the feelings i felt, but nothing bad on your part...
I place no fault in you and yet in time I've even asked myself if I was truely inside out at fault for it all...
but I realised it's nobody's and it's very much on the differences of perception.
Even now I feel I haven't loved in vain and do feel it was still worthwhile through all the time spent.
When being asked, I can only express how much I've loved, but yet having the inability to handle time and commitments
that led to much difficulties between... thus leading to the end.
Trust me, if it was horrible and bad to the imagery people you think have in mind, I wouldn't be even standing by ever willing to be of any aid as a friend and bothered to care. I'd just say, however much I loved, we weren't matched to the point of jigsaw pieces, but rather a frame to a picture.

I guess in every connection, there is often a question of compatibility just like links to every system. Fault lies with neither just wrong fitting though in physical it may all be in sets.

I'm sorry if you had such impression, but be assured that there hasn't been anything interesting or untrue said even in my downest times, coz to people I've once loved will always remain as one before in me... the fact can't be changed...
If you think I'm a hypocrite no matter what I say... well that's your view... I've said what I wanted to say and have been true to my heart about it all. It's been always how you perceive things to be and I can't stop that.

Spent the whole of last nite working on my artwork...
"This is the Chivas Dream"...it states....hahaha...some advert that I had to form up to make it personalized as my own.
funny project.
I've still yet to make my scary face....with eyes that sparkle like laser is just about to emit from it.... hahahaa...
Still thinking about how my Mexican double peppers hot wings is gona be...
It's yet another new creation to add in my 4 on the list of food recipe in these 2 months of december and january...hahaa...
well people.....9th of Feb, is gona be a many guinea pigs day! all are going to be my
testers!

Not nice don't blame me! hahahaa.... OOooops...
don't worry it will be good, just that make sure there is enough water to go around for everyone!...
The sleepy people be awaken, the active will be sent rushing to the pool for extra water! Yucks!...

Anyway, we'll see how it goes....
hmmm....what else should we be adding on the menu for the day?.....hmmmmm....
baby back ribs?.... pepper crab?...lol....

"You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Instead of slamming down the phone girl, for the hundredth time
I got your number on my wall, but I ain't gonna make that call
When divided we stand babe, united we fallGot the time got a chance gonna make it
Got my hands on your heart gonna take it
All I know, I can't fight this way
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby, time after time

Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between in the eyes
There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time

Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide"

Hmm....weird...
I'm starting to appreciate white chocolate now...
Though I still love the bitter dark chocos...
Gotten very into the mexican cuisine...

And as my tummy is slowly recovering...
I'm busting it with all the protein once again....and hitting hard on the metal...
not as usual...but on alternate days...
strengthening in the process...
but I'm really not too sure about the agility to come back to me...
on scaling walls and rocks as good...hahaha....will try somehow.

=)

Adobe class tomorrow!!!....
Rocks!

I guess that's the only class in the week I look forward to...every fridays...
hahaaa....


Well the end of the hard week is arriving...and everything will be relaxed and well for alittle while...
before the start of a horror next week. lol... so many deadlines! OMG!

Avez-vous l'espoir de commencer ?
Y avait-il une vie où vous m'avez voulu avec ?
Je ne suis pas sûr...
Puisqu'elle semble que je suis juste facilement oublié.

As the start of a new third week for me arrives...
I lay with beads in hand...
I pray for the 2 other sickly dudes back from their trip...
and the one binkz who is in need of supernatural aid to get through the madness week... (well if I see I'll call on for their help...how about that?...lol)

And for me?...
the already recovered, but weakened Ken. weakened to a point where I'd be shivering while opening a packaging for those mini mart mango pudding.
But all will be good....

like I always say...
" Toutefois le demain difficile est, demain immobile venu...
tellement advienne que pourra,
il traversera également dans une brise. "....

So bring it on!!!

my this walk in life...

Dur il était a laissé aller, vous aiment tellement que je ,
mais oeil pour nous observer certains comment ne pourrait pas assortir...
avec vous être malheureux avec moi,
l'undure de la douleur I est pourtant en valeur comme longtemps en vous regardant loin souriez et soyez joyeux.

Même la pensée de la prise en bas des images de nous et de l'art d'humeur du soleil faisait mal. Vous juste n'avez jamais su. Elle n'est jamais étée car facile comme elle est à vous.

Funny how fever twirled my head this time...
woke up missing my close friends...
missing Min...
missing my ex-room mate while we do and talk nonsense together...
weird huh...lol...

oh well... life...that's the way it is...

Funny how fever twirled my head this time...
woke up missing my close friends...
missing Min...
missing my ex-room mate while we do and talk nonsense together...
weird huh...lol...

oh well... life...that's the way it is...

wao wao wao....what a day...
an experience...

Social work with IMH patients...
now that....that whole deal truly is something that tests my patience with crowds and get me to think that
I'm yet a person of reasons....besides having that shotgun temper. Esp when it comes to crowded places...and the inability to take care of people whom I totally can't communicate with.
Have done, orphans, down syndrome, old age... now IMH patients....think the next feat would be the deaf...lol....

But for now...i have to take care of myself....deal with my broken down body....from the many weeks of no sleep... it's giving way and acting against me now....
high power loss and over heating...thus a combo sickness....
argh...
Anyway...whatever...the day was still good and worth it.
I've done a gd deed at the start of the year...and also...gotten 3 of the things i wanted...and of which one i have been looking out for....i.e climbing shoes, chalk bag....just today...the MIGHTY MOUSE!!! BLUETOOTH!....lol....
hahahaaa
the week rocks!...well besides this stupid physical illness....
but the mind still thrives to have things seen as darn freaking great week!

And also....Thanks to Binks for the belated treat. enjoyed it too...
but that...u saw another magic trick....lol....hahahaaaa
funny how ur face gave the 'huh' look....
tricks are cool for entertainment....maybe...alittle more to me than to others....lol

Cheers to the ending 2nd week of the academic semester.... it's about weeks more to go towards 2nd of May...and I'm getting out of this freak place!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

A day of 3 Ex and 1 roomie...
my birthday...the eve of it...visitations by 3 ex-gfs and my ex-roomie...THE FELIX!
lol...

well at least people remembered...
but it's just another day I guess...
just getting older...

The best thing yet, I got myself my own birthday present....lol
A new pair of climbing shoes! a Chalk bag and chalk ball!....Woohoo!

Yamakasi I'm gona be soon....lol....ahahahaha...
God granted me with the wonderful elective that I always wanted... a great gift from him...
and a mind that has been strong enough to go through the things I have gone through...

Wonderful parents who've supported me through my 26yrs of existance...
with the rebel I am...and risk taker I am... and the oh so much problems and worries I've caused them in my sporting days...
At the end of the day...respected my decisions always and ever encouraging.

2 good brothers... one a social expert in the making and the other a self risen guitarist...both learning about life in their own special way that I've to help deal and guide them through...
and not forgetting my always baby sis... grown up to a decent banker...with a bf I will wanna make sure she is taken care of... else....nothing lah just see the tip of my knuckles by his eyeballs...lol...

26yrs have passed...
so much to think about,
so much have been done
so much has been gone through...
so much lost
so much gained...

yet...the real life of survival and building a place of my own is just about to start in a few months time...

10years ago...was the beginning of the great experience...
the times of travelling...the days of challenges and champions... the moments of fights and self determination... and the pains in life that one learns the hard ways... the aches of burnt emotions with the average of 1 each year that makes me totally sound that I'm really bad at handling those stuff... the rain of wealth and success and yet the letting go of such materials for the passion of sports even as I walk away from them with injuries...

And the first 16years were the years of plays and freedom... needless of worries...the wonders of carefree nature...
the life of a kid to a budding young man before hitting the next 10 into a man that I am today...

26years... just went by like that... with the blink of the eye...
For those I love will hold my love... the loved will be always cared for... and the cared for will remain...
whatever it is...all are still in my heart...but a big space is yet left for one... only one...
where those 10 have come and gone... they lay in comfort and left again... a decade of repetitions like this.
but the space is ever ready still to receive... still willing... though sometimes feelings of giving up were strong...
I still yearn the embrace of the special one.

Even now, the touch of those who've passed... brings tears to me... the feelings of sorrow in failure...
thought the past is left in history...there it will stay.

The future is the every second that I'm journeying through...looking forward to...
making 26years and beyond...

To those who've shared my life, being a part of it... be it ups and downs...
Thanks... it was an experience...
To those who've shared my passion in what I fought for...
I'm grateful... it was ecstatic...
To those, my dearest friends...
I wanna say, please stay around... there are more to come...and I thank you so much for bringing meaning to my life all these while...
My Dad, My mum... above all, you gave me the beginning to everything said above... all my love for you.


=)
funny things I'd say on my birthday.

I guess today is the day
where a bright spark shines over me
for the split second...
Given me the boost...
it's time...

release the sand
and let it go...
unvalve the waters
and let it flow

rekindle the light
and the warmth that spreads
all over to the finger tips...
that others may feel...
and yet another time...

a suction comes...
and away I go...
sweeps me away...

Wah can u imagine words spread super fast!
Entered a tutorial room today and everyone under the power elective were looking at me and asking me about my final year project....
they were all from different labs...and some were from the same lab but my set of equipments and station was way at the other end of the lab...with them in an enclosed glass room...
They all heard that I've finished the base of my project, gotten the design done and the circuit confirmed with it's required results....
all were astonished.... coz most of the time they never really hear from me and before they know it....I'm done with the main part of the shit work....lol...
Asked this guy called Alvin...he said..."oh the network and rumours fly super fast...in fact the day that the professor came down to look at your project, everyone were already talking about it...didn't you know?"

Son of a......sounds like i spoiled their market...

damn....feel bad.
but anyhow, I've got no time...unlike some of them...the luxury of spending time in the lab from morning til night...as if they need not eat...
I've got freakin' classes damn it!

now what's left is to wait for the other professor who used to be NTU's pHd student to answer my questions on his designs so that I can link mine to his and complete the entire loop....voila...the full blasting circuitary is ready for pantent....lol
cool eh...sounds ground breaking eh....
bullshit... actually it's just a load of crap.
I did my part with less than 20 bucks in hand though the wonderous thing was stepping down a high 220V input to produce a low 3V control pulse wave...
it was really nothing....just a few simple stuff....not complicated as what people all think...
the norm resistors and transistors did the job....poking things here and there....and it's done. Great work? actually it's shit lah... it's a innovation of putting few available things together and changing some variables.
And everyone is taking it like some big thing....alamak...what's with the world mama...?

all blinded by the wires and complicated looking circuit....and I mean LOOKING...coz it just looks complicated, actually it's not. even the second year polytechnic student can do such kinda shit...hahahaaa....uni students?....dun waste ur time studying in a university... what's most important is hands-on experience and you can see things further.
What's the use of all the theory when you can't apply crap to the real world?
The thing is, if you can't, you a waste of space.


Oh well...anyway enough of the school stuff...
I've headed myself into some retail therapy thingy....
all of a sudden, my wanting to get rock climbing stuff has risen again....
to replace my climbing shoes...probably look into that this wed...
and a new chalk bag...also see to that this wed if possible...
And I guess a gd nice jacket will complete this season's list of wants....lol....
probably a birthday gift to myself and suffer the rest of the days with lesser finances to deal with?....
whatever, but it will feel great just having those and carrying on with my climbing activities...cheap, gd and gives and great workout.
While the rest of the time....it's back to hitting the reports and my other stuff to urgently get done. as for tonite....
Give me a break! hahahaa...

Oh please I need to sleep....damn I miss sleeping... this sounds horrible, but true...
funny how the remedy to my last hit can't be helping anymore... and this time it comes stronger... imagine the endless alertness....and shit last nite i was supposed to snooze....almost....but a call just broke it and that was it...the chance...the doziing window was gone....sadz.... =/

I truely wonder if there is such thing as fully letting go...
maybe it's just for myself
that I can't stop caring, being concerned for somebody
whom I've been caring for
for a long time...
enough to have the feeling buit deep inside of me.

Like it's a daily thing
that I wonder how are things going
How was breakfast, lunch, dinner
and everything at home for you...
Has the world been able to place the smile on your face these days...
or have you been kept in warmth and comfy in these cold chilling days...
such questions I ponder upon...

How is it then that I ever turn away...
that I can even one day look you in the eye and say you mean nothing to me...
well the thing is that I can't...
it's my inability...

argh...my handicap...
nature made me this way...
or probably fate brought me to such a point
to bring some teachings across to my head...

I don't know...
do you?
oh well...you probably don't care...

At the end of a hard day...
Or any day bringing a test of mental strength...
I sit down, having a bottle of Bundaberg Ginger Beer....
Ooooo.....yeh!
It's heaven.

lol....

And even after a great day with the day's catch... of 3 different fishes...
cooked in 3 different styles...
Wow...
pure enjoyment!

"Oooh mimi dancin' out on me
Oooh...she not wearin' any panties
I like it when she calls me dada
and she pop it like she from Jamaica..."

hahaaa...some song I came across while I was doing hip hop mixes...spinning some music in my room
with my trusty Altec THX 90Watt speakers!....WhoooHooooooo!

Guess wat!!!
My design work is a good to go!!!
I say again people!!! GOOOOOD to GO!!!

loves it!
riding on a highway now to project progress!
Wooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!

But I'm freaking freaking tired....
exhausted....
well hope that will knock off y insomnia...

Seeing you...
feeling you...
A wave of sadness and tears overcomes me...
To know the unhappiness within,
life's stirring turmoils
with little rest,
so much booze'n coffin nails...
I wish things were beter over that side...
I hope for improvements on all you matters...
here'n somwhere...
I still do care.

A free day today...
A slow moving day...
a continuation of the previous...reading up on lecture notes and books...
and awaiting time to dinner at Waraku... to meet up my ex-room mate...buddy....Felix
and the gang...
supposed to be a gathering...and to my surprise they put up an early birthday arrangment for me!
OMG...I was so shocked....totally lost for words...didn't know wat to say...
like even the thank you could be forced out of the mouth...
just stare blankly...
WoooHooo...
And a nice cool Nautica polo-T...
Thanks everyone!
Appreciate it...really!
Just made my day...

In realisation of how easy for some
to put away values that once were...
For me it was yet roses and kisses between,
the fragile sun and moon,
A special message a gift...
most of all a little chalice
with a word from the land of the rising sun.

So much for all that was said...

Ain't sure what I mean at all.

To watch you leaving...
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into the soul...
As a stake from the garden tears into the warm dark earth.

To watch you leaving...
knowing all the while that never again
will fit myself...
warm with sleep against the comforting bosom...
Nor hear steady breating
Or feel the beating of you heart.

To watch you leaving...
aware in every moment of everyday that dreams and future...
once tied with silken ribbons will ne're come to be.
And the morning once so silent and hopeful,
me gazing into your awakening eyes...
so gently awaiting...
are now but small pieces of my past.

To watch you leaving...
is to know that I've lost my place...
The station and a heart's home.
That the wander, a nomad...
Alone, cold in sadness.
Troubled dreams watch you scoot...
again and again...
for the balance of sleepless days...

Fuck! damn it...
Why is it so difficult?...
Why can't I just get myself out of this?....
tell me why!!!
it's been weeks....oh God it's been weeks...
to month is has been...
fake to being kwel..
fake to having smiles...
fake to being alright...
a great pretender I try to be...
fake being strong
fake being stone cold and hard
fake being tough...
but afterall...
I'm the one...lying here
alone... here...
myself...
where the prayers somehow didn't work...
the rosaries can't silence the thoughts...
I'm in pain...
Give me the rage to numb the feeling...but it's only for awhile...
when I come back down...
I'm weakened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staring right back in the face ~
A memory can't be erased ~
I know 'coz I tried ~
Start to feel the emptiness ~
And everything I've been missin'~
I know and I can't hide ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was pain 'til I had to get out of it fast
Before the exhibit of emotions and tears
Faked a smile and made my move
like wanting to stay and yet wanting to disappear
reaction that I'm not familiar with
the wrong mix and fusion of the heart and mind
jumbled vocals
uneven breath
spike in heartbeat frequency...

Oh damn it...can't believe migraine overcame me last night...
mixing insomnia and migraine was sending me back to hell...
bring out the raging devil within the human body...
like everything was pumping the fire inside...
the blood boiling at every corner of the veins...
red fuming eyes and smoke fuming out from the skin...

then the world was spinning around...
my head was spinning all around...
having that and yet you can't faint into the darkness of sleep...
How wonderful is that...

And the heart super charge pumps blood
to feed every muscle inside
to mechanize and fuel the impulsing infinite fury

Nothin' provided the sense of physical pain...

But a jab and few needles
gave a punch to knock the daylights off my mind...

WONDERFUL! ain't it!

Just felt like writing some shit...so haha...here I am...blogging...
some inputs before I hopefully end the day in closure of my eyes...and my mind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If heartaches and jaded had a face
Think it would kinda look like mine
If they had homes it would be my eyes
Would everyone believe me if I said I'm sick of this
here I go all over one more time
Tried to climb the steps
Tried to put up the chase
Tried to earn my way through
Tried to change the living minds of love
Oh better believe that I've tried to beat all these...
So when will this end
It just goes on and on
Over and over again
spinning me round no it won't stop
'til I step off my living consciousness into a faint
Well I never thought I'd end up here
Oh I never thought I'd be standing where I am
kinda thought it would be easier than this
Guess I'm wrong now
This one more time
My Carousel of shit...
I still feel the same though everything has changed
the pain it cost
I feel lost in my own name
And I keep running
Just go workin'
I keep living dreaming the day when I'm with you
what if I'm with you...
The past has left its stain
now I feel the achin'
like you took away the chains of yesterday
And so heartaches and jaded, my face...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOW!
hit off a good start... on the first day of school...
even though it meant rushing the shit out of me...
Been to lectures, lab then to hall and back to lab again...
suddenly the distance became very short...but seriously, my legs are tired from all that walking.
But still...it was worth while...all the rushing in and out of every where...

coz....

MY CIRCUIT WORKS!!!!....

decided to test it on 120 volts per cycle input instead of pumping up the volume straight to 230V immediately...
no wonder it kept burning....
and there wa some internet short circuit somewhere in the scope I was using that caused some error reading....
damn...took up so much of my time to search for the problem points...stripping off wires after wires and changing chips after chips...with every other components....finally!!! finally!!!!
well goal for today was set at just the 120V...tomorrow I will head off to see if gradually increase of the supply, will I get the same good output I want....

Oh pray for me!!! months of hard work and including losing so much that meant to me... at least the best things could go from here is to have my FYP work well enough for me to graduate and get me hell out of here.

Though I know deep inside, losing what I lost...really wasn't worth it...for my projects....material stuff....but...sigh
I've gotta answer to myself and my own financial supply...might not be able to last too long if i have to prolong this.
Things for me could just turn even uglier...which I don't want to.

my insomnia!!...argh...now that's the one thing to deal with...and the migraines...well...i guess in time it will all go off...i hope..
coz' I'm feeling the full fatigue and very soon I think I might just collapse. But this time, I'll be collapsing without the someone I've been missing.
I guess slowly she's taken her bigger than baby steps to create the forcefield away from me... and so... no more in her life I am living... oh I dunno...
Maybe just thinking too much shit...

for now...I'll just try to rest myself... with the mogu (reminds me of how it feels to sleep beside her...)

haiz...

After all this time
I never thought I'd be here
Never thought I'd end up here
When my love for you was fine
But I couldn't make you see it
oh I just couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
And I found a part of me died
When I watched you go

Would try to fall asleep
in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
yet the nights seem to slowly fleeting
vanishing as reality crashed to the floor

Oh see oh see...
the beginning of the new semester is finally here....!!!
Oh man...
expecting crazy lifestyle...
while seeing others havine time to do other things....
sigh

Well had a good time at the "V tea room"
serves great tea cakes!
very english/venice ambience concept. cool.
just sitting down there have tea and cakes...well not my normal kinda habit but once in awhile.
Will head off for a workout soon to deal with that in awhile. lol....hahaha
Good set in the week to end the 'holidays'....so people are calling it even though I didn't really have much of it...better than nothing....hahaa.

Now Kenneth....back to work!... tmr is the day...8th of Jan...
with the next celebration time would be 11 days later...and that's about all...
Let's go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Has all love cold
a place bitter and broken.
taste of a world I know
there must be something better
something that good forever.
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road slowly burning.
Oh yes I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give.
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing.
you'll find me standing in the night
with stars seem so unending
a night's dead uncaring.
What's painted
whitewashed all works of loving
when all that remains
shadows of our stains
is it then all that easy
just drop it all and moving on?
I'll have to go
to a place I know
that's the one called beginning
start over after ending...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally managed at least 2hrs of sleep...but got awaken by God knows what...
leaving me with my eye wide open...

oh well... the semester is about to open once again...
after a few weeks of not much of a break, but better than nothing i guess.
Brave it! =)

I'll find my sleep soon...I hope.
since from 15mins to 2hrs...then comes 7hrs....lol....hahaa

--------------------------------------
Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
Trust me I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know that I can't hide
Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, coz' I am tired
Carrying the dreams and thoughts I lost
Picture frames and card with all the thoughts
Oh trust me I know, I hold inside...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...

But when you're near
you're lost, I'll help you find
come along around
time to time we're all blind
Don't have to tell me what you feel...
I know what you're going through
Won't be the one that lets go of you...
Dont' have to be alone with the journey you're traveling on
Though all dreams and hopes are torn...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...
------------------------------- ok I don't know what to say or do anymore....
Let time pass i guess...

The inability to fall asleep has hit once more...

3months....3 months phased passed...
now i hope it's not the beginning of another set...
it's been the 5th day straight already...

Part human...Part machine feeling...
or rather, on the ugly side... a Zombie...
the undead.

=/

FYP circuit didn't work! wat's with it! oh help somebody!!!

is it some avoidance on both side?
or is it just pure sensitivity issue?

darn....human is a set wierd beings...
oh well...

Here I sat...alone at work...
and study...trying to put my mind away from the world....
away from anything and everything else...
But...
in the moments of silence... the tranquility was disturbed by a short bang...
the dropping of a beautiful painted glass piece of a sun and a moon...
and together it fell with was a card...
the card that has been ever invaluable to me...
the card that everytime i felt alone. i read it and i felt happy and joy...
but this time...
it was pain and aches...
coz the feeling of missing someone who resided in my heart for a long time...
and now leaving it..making me the very thing
where the heart is an empty room, just came sweeping me over....


it read...
"Dear baby,
Surprise! =) I just wanted
to drop you a message to tell you how much I love you,
from the bottom of my heart.
For the difficult times, I'm sorry and am very happy
you still stuck around to bear
it all and make me smile again.
Thank you for being my little
understanding pupu and doing
all the silly things just to
make me smile. (i know it's
hard sometimes). You are, once
again, my...

SAFEKEEPER"

The very moment... what I've been holding within... all these while and just couldn't let out...
and all the dryness broke out drenched by tears...

Eyes were leaking!
shit I need a plumber quick!

sigh...

It's been so long since Ive touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened

I want you to find me charming and wise
I just want you to find me
Somewhere here inside
I barely know you
Weve been sort of friends
So what if I called you and called you again
What would I tell you
Where would I begin

Please forgive me
If I dont know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new

Theres a light in my window
It shines all night long
In the morning my coffee
Is sweet but its strong
I carefully reach out from behind these walls
I'll take a deep breath and give you a call
Hello how are you
Not much at all

Lost in this hole
That has ripped through my soul
I unlock this secret inside
What should I think
I've had too much to drink
As my mind and my body collide

step by step i take....in walking the lonely road
the road...that was probably left for me to walk alone...
along with stones and blocks that I'd trip and fall and get up on my own...

Life...

Well I guess it's getting over you
getting over me...
it's a shade of vast pains I see...
but it's something...
at hand...
in control
I have none...
coz I inside
become worthless
no speech no mind
echo...

missing you...
reach out I whisk air
emptiness sits in...

awaken by the cracking of crickets...
after the many sleepless days
I found comfort on soft linen.
But there alone, I lay...
strengthless, tired and heated
by the chill of constant pour
and the shivers sent by the monsoon winds.
With bird's eye view I see myself...
lonely, woebegone...
all curled up under the blanket
unable to warm the cold...
how is it joyful for a new year to come by
when such despondency lies within?...
I guess I'd just lay back shutting of crickets
and fall into the dead of the night...
asleep...
exhausted I am, but somehow I can't...I'd try...
what is it that's haunting me?...
without love?
or the coming of a new tormenting semester?
or the rush of blood in my brains for all the crazy nights
in my fight for survival...
missions after missons...
role play after role play...
cracks of firing piercing through the silent nights,
up hills, up trees, embedded in shrubs or a cocktail of choco-like water and mud...?
or is it the emotions of combinational feelings above...
that wreck the senses of my mind...
to think to have found what I truly love at the lead of 2006
but to find that what was between was a misfit that caused
so much pain...
so much tears...
so much aches...
so much breaks and reconciliation...
so much depression...
for two...
the two in love...
that burned acid fire
in destruction of hopes
by the coda of ballad 2006.
Leaving me yearning her very much,
yet be near I may not...
be loved I cannot...
to love I'd wanna try...
but hateful of myself I'd become
to see myself falling in ditch after ditch
again and again...
failure unending...
I guess,
Yes it is...
it's the emotional combination...
the cocktail of what dissolves my heart and soul...
like the diminishing of flaming lamborgini.
the fury blue slowly disappearing into the clear shot of spirit...
I know...I still love...want to embrace...
you...

Back finally...bringing satisfying exam results checked on friday....have to do more thanks giving for that...
and 4 sleepless nights and days of wet weather...
all drenched in mud and swarm waters...
where the skin wrinkles up,
all soaked up through.
For the moments I found to sit and reflect...
I missed you so...
but yet to find non responsiveness,
I guess someone else in life you may have gotten...
or drowned in fun you are that I'm smoothly forgotten...
But it's ok I guess...
I'd wish you all the best...
for this new year I wish you great blessings...
smilez and happiness you find...
without the known cause of depression, me...
with great warmth for u now you enjoy...
and a brightened joy you may have...

crazily tired I am...physically and mentally...
today I still have to say this for my resolution...

I'd wanna be able to better handle time,
accomplish driving,
get the academic final semester through...
start off my career...
find peace in myself...
to hold on to a good job
and to seek a well off love life I'd keep for long future...
in settling down...
where I'd find myself
with a family I may start by 30...

And I thank God for getting me through 2006...
finally it's over.... and I look towards a fruitful 2007...

The time is about up...
The moment of results is about here...
I shake...
I fear what I'm to see though I say I'm not
yet...
I wanna see it though I say I don't...
it's crazy.
The month is about up
The year is to the end...
And the rest I haven't got...
Many things still undone...
like time was not enough.
Everyday passes by like I was constantly on the run...
a marathon unfinished
a run unending...
But the only comfort I find that I can be lying on
is to know things are good on your side of the world
that the time precious perl
spent with cool people
the way you want it
the way you liked it...
While I standing here...
I know it's the path I've been in
the one I can't get out
at a cross road
where either ways leads to mindless pains
Where numbness is the common thing...
As I move along the gravel
small puddles ripple my falling tears
reflection of sadness
with the kinda days going by...
not denying the aches of not being able
to have you the love of mine
mutual yet unmatched...
loved yet hurt
embracing yet aching...
wanting forever yet can't last to see it
with perceptions all criss crossed in a mess
but everyday I'd wonder how you are
having you in my heart and my mind...
now the only 'friend' I have is work
when the 'friend' still hurts me very much...
I'm back to sanitarium visitation
for the mind blowing syndromes...
either ways...life isn't too friendly
walking on either side of the road...
Just walk Kenneth
Just walk...
walk through it blind folded
and come what may...
though in the darkness
the focal memory is yet her...
with no ways of drowning it...
drinks won't do
sleep won't do
and dying is eternity...

"Still feels like the first night together...
feels like the first kiss
but we're getting weaker
no one can be blame for this
I held on like you're still the one
first when our eyes met
still the feelin' I get
wanna hug you tighter
wanted love to last longer
you could turn the fire on....
if my love was not enough...
but my heart was for you alone...
I wanted our future good...
for all that I've not done or you felt that I should...
Please forgive me
the pain I put you through
Please believe me
my love for you is true...

How our lives crossed
but the pain is matched we're not...

I guess,
You need to release me...
though I need you like I do..."


The great pains to have in mind that what you love...
isn't what that is gona happy with you....
Thus no matter how much...
things are hard to be right...
Though it isn't either at fault...
the thorn strikes at both...

Spending the few days without my handphone
and out of the house and in medical red lights...
the isolated moments I had to sit down, with nothing else at hand...
those thoughts struck me to the kill...
many reasons i couldn't be connected...
no phone,
didn't bring cash in the rush...
fever struck soon after...
knocked out dead and tired...
I was totally blocked!...
with just me and the arm chair beside the hospital bed
with my sick and sleeping grand...
What a way to spend christmas...
with worries and sadness...
with the pain I don't wanna have...

sigh...what's the life coming to?...
though I wanna see and hug her so much...
but time I don't have...and I'd wanna try to make...
look at us now...how are we and what are we, I yet do not know too...
Before I know it...I'd be in wilderness and more crap.

all a pile of shit...

How's anyone able to understand the position I'm in...
how to explain when words are cheap...
how to do when time is not my hands when anytime i want I beep...

ARGH!!!!!!!!
THIS IS DRIVING ME TO MY GRAVE WAY FAST!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! HOHOHO!!!!!

I guess christmas is getting too heated with stuff to deal with....
I've reached fever point...
argh....boiling and really bad headaches....
sigh....what a way to spend it....

the company for hospital visit of my grands for her check up was supposed to be tmr!
tmr!!
hypertension kicked up a big fuss and breathlessness struck...
all got worried and she was off to hospital... warded again... sigh...

had headache the whole freakin' day....think I'm dying...
had to head off for the outpatient coz of my ridiculous migraines again....totally sucks!!

hope it's not here to stay...

got home way pass midnight...after a whole day running around the place for my components...totally not fun at all!

need to retire...

Confused at what my status is...
attached?
single?
... what am I really?...

maybe it's...."confused"...


A good friend's dad just passed away...while they were on a family trip...
bid farewell in his sleep in the hotel...
How unexpected and unfortunate things can be...
Just like towards the cross over to the new year to find my aunt pass away...
what a shock I had by a call just a few years ago and I guess nearing the time... the feeling hasn't passed.

So much things....so little time... low on resources... tired...

Spending christmas and new year with military disturbances... grand's problems... relative's sadness...

totally not good at all...

How is not wanting to rack up yesterdays
things you can't change
a very thing that can screw people up?
I thought letting go of yesterday and have new todays was a better deal?

I think no matter what I'm going to say...
what I do....
there is always a waiting moment to catch and fish out a fault
to have me whacked down and blame for....
whatever lah....my fault....
my wrong....my bad....
however you want it...

I can take the trouble in doing certain things...
I can spend however much (but now I'm freaking broke)
or feel however much for....
there is always something to pick about me....
oh well....
oh oh well
well well done!
how wonderful life is.... I'm just one person who can't seem to get some things right....
fark it...it's just me...
I guess I've explained myself eough....

going to burst! argh!

To think I planned
but yet went busted
tix gone wasted
but what can I say
when I'm no more
and nothing am I...

Suay is my middle name...
unlucky i guess...

a day out cut short
to the lab I returned
ending it with my project burnt
roasted plastic and sparking lead
it's gone it's gone it's gone...
so much time of work
all gone at a strike...
OH WTF!

Merry christmas!!!

the touch
the breath
the scent
the warmth
the sweet silence
the hugs
the kisses
the sweet whispers...
the feelings...

Oh how I wanna hold on
Oh how I wanna embrace...
But how then
Where do I stand?

in the midst of nowhere...
lonely and aimless...
harden like i stone...
cracking at every knock...

I love...
the closeness...
the warmth...
the split second moment of looking into your eye
But I find myself
sinking into speechlessness
for the seconds the felt long...
not knowing what to say.

I want you,
yet I don't dare...
in fear again
that you saying I don't care...
then I'd be sunken down
into a pool of blood
formed by my bleed heart....

I guess...
this is the point where
I don't know
if a line should be drawn.
Before I cross over the border
and get oh so deep into you
and yet to find that we somehow
are difficult together.

It pains me so much
to want to love
and to be with somebody...
yet it's so difficult...
And to be reminded that
what working things out really meant...
something that I couldn't give...
coz' I own none and incapable...

Help oh god help!...

Didn't sleep all night coz of the rain...
finally braving the hard pouring and thunder to get out of the dry comfort zone, moving out to the east.
Seeing you melted me. Even while the dog was jumping crazily for my attention that couldn't be shared...
my eyes just followed wherever you floated off to...
I missed you.
But the sight of you dumbed my mouth...
only little actions of pecking on your lips and hugs whispered alittle that hardly could hear.

It pains me to see how things ended up this way...
I love you that when I see you today I wanted to cry...
but I held it...
coz I couldn't say it...
to you words were cheap...
it probably meant nothing for me to say it...
coz whatever I did...
was done...
the result has taken over
Nothing can ever change it...
all with my slippings and faults...
only guy
only human....
maybe it was meant to be...
just friends...
or me just a shadow of you...
watching over...
caring for...
like a crew at backstage...

what's my kinda life?...

The days just went on....
without sleep...
6am in the morning....dragged on with thoughts of aching and pains...
with head filled with so much uncertainty...
I love yet I am incapable...
maybe there is something that I don't have
thus leavin gme unfit...
that a quality that I lack...
or maybe is that the life I'm presently in does not permit.
Well I don't know...

seeing the indian ah neh prof wasn't a fun time too...
with getting stuck on project work once again...
aimless findings...
research with no direction...
test with no guidance...
totally madness.
This isn't the kinda life I wanna be in.
mental, physical and financially straining...
Work, effort and simple dollars and cents
should not be take for granted like that...
it all adds up to good use and bring future smiles...

sigh...
step by step...
I find going on with where I am standing...
status as a student
as a man...
as a guy in love...
it's all in the dump...
totally don't know where I'm heading to...
or what's going to become.

My goals my goals...
to have a family I call my own...
to hit the first million asset rich at 35
finally to set an auto churn system of earnings...

So that I may live in comfort with my love ones
in the furture to come...
no worries of the next day...
to have whatever that's needed and wanted...
I travel around happily with the family of my own...
see a son and daughter grow into their new circle
an extension of where I've been started....
like chains of rings..
bringing on unending continuity...

It's gona be tough as the start...
I always tell myself to push on....
to persevere...
determined...
and focus...

Each time falling into a ditch...be it academic or r/s...
I tend to ponder upon my abilities...
to handle these 2 so trying issues of my life...
like I'd any time
soon maybe...
just die in battle...

those may seem the simplest things..
but yet are the most trying to conquer
most challenging to steer off complications...

I found time and again
I fall into the boggling snag...
hurt, pain, aches...
tears, blood, sweat...
migraines, insomnia, lifelessness...
forming the cocktail of shit...

Here I stand in the midst of the wild...
no answers
no solutions
no way...
pushed on strongly
with a fire
ceasing to extinguish
but gears and axle
unreachable...

The ache of the heart
brings torment to the troubled mind...
how simple gestures
churn a huge wave
then into storm.
I care for
I love..
and everthing else
all my actions of concern
and prideless steps
seem meaningless.
all in one sweep
with just one slip.

Oh my scorpion filled mind...
what do I do?
blow off the fire...
To let all rest and heal in time?
push and let the fire burn within my engines...
where possible slippings
angered frustrations in time
may cause further hurt?...
What do I do?

I love thee,
I care for thee,
I yearn to embrace...

But my exhaustion
and breathless state
brings me further into the days
with a heavy yoke
I don't know if I can bear long enough
told hold the burnings
and steam in angered me...
I'm in control...
I've controlled...
and I've always...
for you
to you
with you...
but what has been done unto me,
why mistakes of similar nature
can't I do?
a complicated human
to a well programmed machine?
which am I to be?

Now what am I to do?
well, unfit to say
in many ways...
so now decision lies on you...
deep down I want...
but slips and faults I may...
thus hurt comes...
so to have this carry on?
or drop it off and take the next step in life and be lonely?...
what is it for us?
what now?...

You I love
Where do I stand?
I'm here
I'm here...
right here...
what say you?

it's so painful to find love
to find that love's future crossing in difficulties...
then to split yet love still lives in between...

like tearing apart a beating heart...
blood keeps flowing unending...

aches and sadness
to the numbness of the mind....

Yet I opened my eyes...
Oh God! it wasn't a nightmare...

I'm watered...

Here I lay...
with sadness my name...
loneliness my second...
and Lost my pet...
couldn't bear the thought
that now I'm just me...
no more us in description...
no more we.
I couldn't sleep the whole night,
thinking about the wonderful times...
and nice pictures we took.
funny how I never took so much pictures with any other
but just with her...
in fact I was never the picture fanatic...
and thus my history becomes a myth...
lost in the hard drive I once had...
but that besides the point...

Beyond the sadness and pain I've been feeling...
yet I smile to myself and say....
at least the better thing that came out of this is...
she no longer suffers...
the pain and anger...
being with me...
things she can't stand and can't accept...
the flaws I hold and somehow doesn't seem to let go.
given awhile...she will be depressed no more...
brightened and cheerful...
unlike the darken days with me...
covered by Kenneth the grey...
who lived not to her expectations...
killing her emotionally too...
Now she is free...
where I am placed in the middle of nowhere...
there...I lay....
Sad...
Lonely....
Lost...
with the hit of 24hrs no sleep and yet widely awake...
I guess... insomnia could be back...
once again to haunt me...
but so what...
let it be then...
let it be...
nothing worth being so conscious about anyway...
like hollow life it is...

The love that I built for
The care and concern I only have for....
was you and now it's gone...
one by one...
just like baby steps...
it fiddled away...
creeping away from me...
all alone I am...
better off away from this earth...
which I now don't see meaning for...
Coz the one I saw meaning in...
even to end any bonds or ties I had of future prospects...
is gone...
walked away from me...
so what's the point now?...
fighting myself not to get affected?...
it's the impossible that I've always feared coming....
all the time I've always wanted to give you surprises..
but either found out...spoiled or found unwanted...
every little bit no matter how hard...
I'd worked for...
and yet have been the first I've ever gone out to work for...
to get things for...
specialty?...
well, I don't do or go to such distance for anyone...
but you...
all you say, you're high maintenance and thus, it's gona be hard for me to up keep...
when all I'm saying is I keep trying...
I believe patience is a virtue...
it's something I held on all the time...
keeping calm and unangered towards you...
where towards you, my temper I tamed...
towards no other...they have seen such in me...
but to you...
everything is different.
How you see me...
is very different from how the others see or they get to see...
because it's been different for them...towards them
compared to you.
Coz you've been special.
I love you.
All this while...
I may not be a type who smokes...likes drinking and stuff...but...
even when it happens on you...
do I take it as you don't love me that much to control yourself?
I don't...
Coz I accept...
I may not like...but I grow to accept who you are...
and in love, or my love for you has been to accept the person you are and they way you are.
That's where you also see however things went...
whatever you did...
I'd still be at the corner...waiting...
in pain or iin tears
but ending with a smile towards you....hoping to hug and kiss you once more
and for you to accept me...
Very much earlier...
put across 3 phases of 400V having a potential across me...
that split... my fight was to be back...
like I made a deal with God...
that if I could just tell you I love you just one more time...
even if I have to go somehow...
with a heart attack....
it'll be all worth it...
Well I guess... now... since all is done...
whatever happens... matter does it not...
the chapter in my life...
coming to a close...
reopen to anew it may not...
just where I am....
sitted...alone...
helpless...
cold...
loveless...
where I fight alone with the dimension of time...
a race I consistantly have been through all the time since I came to work my life...
but whether the fight goes on...
it doesn't matter...
what matters is I've lost...
I've lost you...
the one special...the one I love...
I may not be the perfect person to be with...
but all I can say, I've never lost myself against you...
my mind,
my will,
my temper...
my love...
there was no other coming to level with you in me...
coz there was only you...
and my life surrounded you...
like where I am...is a subset of what school and you are...
there within is my life...just me...
no life...if you drop off...coz school...is just dead.

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

Intentions delivered and received in a wrong perspective is painful...
Truely I miss you so and it isn't that I'm willing to get out of the house for you.
In fact, it would be the only reason that I would get out of the house.

Neither would I want to intentionally kill one's sleep.
I'd be happier if sleep was good and that I didn't unconsciously distrupt...
less moody and grouchy...
more smiley and bubbly...

If I could turn back the hands of time...
I'd wanna tie myself to a part of the bed that no further I'd go to restrict ample space...
I'd wanna hava nice quiet dinner with the special you...
just you and me...
without troubling thoughts of exams and stuff for once...
away from squabbling and arguements...

And just have a walk in town together hand in hand where the crowd mean nothing coz all we see would be just each other...
then time stops while you window shop while I get to see more of what are your likes and wants...
and one day once again I'd find some way to try getting it somehow...

sigh...
or besides all these... it doesn't have to mean doing anything...
just being by your side is more than enough for me...
walking your dog or hopefully painting your room with the arty idea you may have in mind... making it come true... materialising it all as one art piece.

oh well the day is ending...what's the worth of saying such things now?...
but only to my blog... my little diary of events and feelings...

as night begins to fall upon the land... with my body totally cooled down...
the pain and aches of th long run I had starts to set in...
having problems standing up from a sitting position as the knee feels like it's about to detach from my thighs...
and my neck so stiff to unfeeling that my head could fall off anytime without me even knowing...
finally the sole of my feet... suffering from the wears from rough usage...

but all in good time,
it will go away
or distracted
I should say...
coz when the migraine comes...
nothing else aches matters...

probably head down to the physician tomorrow for some chinese traditional cure...
hope it cures
pray it doesn't taste or smell funky...

I hope I won't head back my exhausion...
coz having not recovered fully from the last one...
I'm feeling the next wave....
argh...what a bother!....

Running the Standard chartered Marathon...

Couldn't sleep the night before until way passed midnight...
rolled around in bed...
before I know it....4hrs went flying pass
and it was time for my waking...
Headed off home at 4.45am to the start line...
And that's where it all began...
The marathon....a challenge of self
a mental focus and persistance...
A moment where you learn what dealing with the difficulties you face really means....

The Race hit off with people from all walks of life coming together for this annual run...
A run where you go beyond your limits and yet do a good deed...
Runniing for charity... Breast Cancer foundation...

At the start...it was all good and with ease,
considering the fact that I haven't done a run for about a month since exam fever clouded NTU...
But wait...like I said, it's only the start...
people were on the rush to be in front. Hated running with such crowd.
Anyway, yah.. they were rushing from side to side like mad cows having a predator at their back...
you watch animal planet, you'll know what I mean...hahaa...

The sky was still dark in the wee hours of the morning and the stretch of esplanade to Raffles Place was like a ghost town
disturbed by the mad cows stampede.
The crowd made it feel like it was about 8pm in the evening where people were on their way to partying or some function...
or maybe a family outing...
Well anyway, heading towards 10km, awaiting my injured buddy behind...having a bleeding toe, I jogged on the spot to keep my body warmed up...MISTAKE!!!
that's where hell came along trying to take over my head...
The crams hit...
And that was it...
After every few drinking points or banana freebie stall... I had to stop for a stretch and also had to keep my steps small in order not to overstrain my muscles further...
Partially limping my way with my clicking knee...I was determined not to fall out and to complete this whole thing...this run.
Well your mind and body gotta work harder when things get harder right?... mental power was it!
towards the midpoint, those I saw sprinting madly at the start, were showing signs of exhaustion... crazy right?...
yah...and they had the face of "Why the F**k did I have to put myself through this pain? what's worst, having to pay for it too!"
hahahaa....so I just smiled and galloped my way pass them, the way Min would get me to do from the sink wash area to her room. Talking about Min, during the run, I was missing her... Baby I love you...

the rest of the run was....erhmm..... I really don't know 'coz I reached the point of not thinking anymore... just let my legs go with the flow...pain or not...just let it be. The most important thing is to finish it...
The idea was to just look front and focus, then you have a higher chance of surviving those crams and joint pains...
coz at the side, you have people falling out for bad crams where the toes were all curled up or going into fits too! that was scary...!!
but well like I said...face front and don't think about it, just run...just do it.

Completion was ecstasy... running your own race. A self challenge, testing your determination...
My dad always told me, "Kenneth... the structure of a human is not like those of a horse...don't think you are a horse and think you can run so crazily like them...." But then...you see... completing the run... I get to say that putting your mind to it, the impossible is nothing... the destination is there...always there, if you are determined to finish it, you will... anyone can, just how long you take to get there. The most important is getting there...the point where you wanna be... obstacles will slow you down, but overcoming one by one...the fighting spirit brings you to greater heights with you being a better life fighter...

Sometimes it takes such kinda feats for one to learn something...
well for me...it's that way I guess...
=)

Wow!! what a run!

A run did help for awhile...to deal with headaches....
might have caused some good circulation....haha but I'm no doctor to prove that theory....

Now next problem....
sleeping habits....or should I say...dealing with habits....changing habits...
need to do that....find some solutions....
thinking...finding in process....

Shoot!
Migraine whacked me til I vomitted...
feeling darn weak...
must have been the lack of proper sleep...
just like my days of insomnia but this is like the end result of all that crap

Went for my jab... and headed for muddy to see if I could surprise her or smthing...
by that time it was kinda like 11.30pm or so...
and I couldn't even find her...
guess she left already with her group of friends...
but muddy's wasn't too happening to stay there long either...
so I reckon they would just hop off to another place being a friday...
unlike me struggling in the puddle of headaches...
so I left town...
caught a cab to hava peek at my grandma...and left back for hall...
taxi ride was horrible with the rumbling and lousy driving skills...
something is wrong with me today....exams are off...and why am i feeling like that?....like a problem that hits every time exams are over...
Well anyway I'm glad I'm back...safe from the journey of rumble and stumble...
without care I'd have gotten my life ended this very night in a accident....argh!
oh well... gona see if I have some potential to earn some cash...pitting against some professionals out there....
But I hope time isn't the constrain for the projects....otherwise I'd lose out already....half battle lost...

wish me luck.... !

I let go of what my pain was....
the decision was set....
and I shelf back my books
awaiting the next semester, fighting the battle once more...

I head is crazily tight...
and migraine acted up last night...
but I persisted to carry on pushing to study what I could...
the pain was so terrible I was left stunned and motionless after every ordeal...

I took a sip of beer this afternoon...
and unknowingly got myself into terrible head pounding situation...
and slept and woke up...
slept and woke up again...
until the alarm sounded...
my head was so heavy that I felt I was at all times going to fall off something...
even now...the pain persists...
somehow not stopping and I don't know why...

Wanted to go,
yet by going I might spoil everything...
I wanted to drink the night away...
yet by doing so I'd probably kill myself and my consciousness...
Wanna spend the evening and night with you,
but migraine didn't permit...
All because of me...
All my fault ...

Argh!!!
I should just jump...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't take it anymore!!!!!! I'm going crazy!!!!!! this is madness!!!! killing me!!!!!

Nothing seems to be going into my head!!!...
too short a time in between the subjects!...it's too little time to revise so much!

HELP!!!!
SOMEBODY!!!!
I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm TURNING MAD VERY VERY SOON!!!!!

as i sit quietly on my desk....trying to revise through the semester worth of power electronics...
feeling horrible for tickling Min...and making her feel suffocated in the process...
carried away with all the tickling one another...
I crossed the line...

and I'm feeling she must be pissed off now...

Anyway...besides that whole thing...
I'm on the verge of giving up after having today's paper... think I'm hard stuck on another semester extention in this horrid place...
I really hope not...
and tmr's power electronics isn't helping at all...
turning mad... mad very soon..
it's not about the things to remember....it's the concepts and the amount of things to gulp down all at one go...
the more I go through the more I feel I'm forgetting stuff...and
the more I feel less confident...
Freaking tired...
3 days in a row...
deep inside I'm seriously very depressed though I'm trying hard not to show it...
walking around smiling and stuff... but really... I'm depressed coz' I can't find a way out to this... take it and fail it? or don't take it at all, do it the next semester...either ways it's retaking... but trying it this time gives me a percentage...small percentage of getting through with it...

Argh!...
I'm doomed...The december is getting more shitty packed up with more sch stuff than relaxation....
FYP...my design report to try save myself through a report redemption....hope that actually works....and fighting to build and grasp a website contract to earn me some extra....esp when I'm super low on cash now...

killing me...

just wanna let everything go and have some time for myself....for the things I wanna do...
I just wanna go to sentosa beach....lay there and slack the day under the sun... having no worries and bothered by anything...just enjoy the breeze and the sun...

longing for that....coming from the fact that the may to july wasn't a break at all for me but rather horrible load of crap events befalling... with so much to deal with... Come to think of it...december '06...is supposed to be my last holiday...
and this is what it has to become...

Well done....well done!... better off dead...

I checked my mail...
ping! it popped... an email from my parents...
that got me tearing...
...amidst my horrible stressful week in hand....

"Take good care of yourselves n dont overstress . Stay focus .

Dispel any sense of self-concern, and remind you that others are feeling the same tensions,
which is only natural in times of stress.
The Lord is your shepherd, you shall not flunk;
He keep youfrom lying down when you shd be studying.
He restore yr faith in study guides and leads you to better study habits for yr grade's sake.
He gives you answers in moments of blankness.
He anointest yr head with understanding
Yr test paper run over with questions you recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colours shll follows you.
All the days of yr examinations.

In this time of anxiety, O Loving God grant you peace of mind. Quiet any distress and allow you
to seee clearly yr mission and determination.

God bless you my son,
Love from Mum, Dad and your 2 brothers and sister."


Gave me strength to move on...
Thanks Dad and Mum...
it struck me.... it touched me...

But the stress of exams... yet can't be forgotten.... it's something that has been hard to handle...
since I was a small kid...
the fear has been borne in me.... trying to live out of it...but along the way it will linger...
But thanks! =)

I'm in pain...
oh yes I am...
drilling deep inside
making a hole deeper every second...
is it love to let go
or is it love to fight to hold...
whatever the action is...
however the solution is...
I don't know...
Coz' it's no longer about me...
to me it's purely about you...
just being happy...
when that's done
I am too...
when that's not conquered...
nothing else is...
so where shall I start?
What shall I do?...
this growing pain and my aching heart...
I try not to think about it now
but the feeling just keeps coming back...
I'm dying...
my brains are frying...
feels like I'm worth nothing now...
like fit for nobody...
I'm just waste...wasted material
fat of the land....
And baby I fear losing you
and fear whatever I do or try...
can't get through...
trying is an endless process for me...
I won't stop...
'til you hit the brakes....
............

turning mad...crazy...
rattling mindless funk time to time...
unsure what's for tomorrow...
hard up for today...
pain of yesterday....

I find being alittle too caught up and concerned in what others want....
could in turn make me not being spontaneous...
a lousy person who has no ideas...
I sat down and think while waiting for the docs...
I realised that many times I had something in mind....
something simple... that might not be appealing as something special
or to go out for... I just smack it down in worry of failure...
unknowingly that failure catches me from the other way
and in a different angle...
WTF...

sigh...maybe I'm just a person who considers too much...
trying to avoid this and that...and in the end...avoided doing everything...
there are things I've planned for....failed and got sick of the mess I created...
there were things I mentioned but couldn't materialise thus filling up disappointment...
so to avoid all those....I headed off to another direction
and the direction met with me avoiding what I wanted...
just some simplicity...a time out from the acad world and to spend time with Min.
It's not that I allow all the work stuff get ahead of the matters deal with her....
just that with some knock on the head and reminders...I'd get back on track..
coz somehow...I see there is a point I might sway due to my worries for this and worries for that....argh...WTF...
Maybe I'm just not good and handling these kinda stuff....maybe I'm just not good at handling time...
well maybe I'm just crap at being a guy that a girl needs...
I just pray that as time goes by....I'd find a way out...out of my head and get things straighten out....
all these headaches...must must go...
before I come tumbling down in all directions...
coz then....any direction...wouldn't matter at all....just down...

For all the big and small things....you have affected me...

For the wonderful
For the simple
For the warming
For the hugs
For the love
For the kisses
For the smiles
For the experience
For thought...
For all the time in the world...
For being understanding when I'm most idiotic...
For being the softest when I've gotten all crazy...
For leaving your foot steps on my sandy rocky path of life...
affecting me ever more...more than any girl could have...
And Most of all....
For being the girl I've loved so much,
just by being you...

Thank you baby...





For the one around to hear my pain, to cry my sorrows. The care that you've given since I saw the world...
The light you brought on to me whenever I strayed off course...
The concern you weekly have for me up 'til now and the constant prayers showered upon me...
For the times I unknowingly made you worry...
For the times I've been bad and caused you pain and supposing anger while you didn't break out in fury...
For the times I've failed and you pulled me up to say I am still able and all are not lost...
For the wonders of answers you've guided me through...
For the skills I've gotten that can't be learnt from any school or any place at all...
For the vast encouragement and determination you've given me the strength for...
I thank you all....mum, dad, grandmas and late granddad....and of course....to my dear late aunty nancy...
Wherever I've been, whatever I've gotten to... the foot steps of you all are always left in the paths of my life and in my heart...

For the ones who have constantly supported me...
hearing me out in times of troubles and aches...
for the ones who have been comforting me in troubled waters....
for the ones who were just there....
You know who you are....
Thank you all!

sometimes I just wonder if I'm even of standard...
like am I taking too long to allow things to be realised?
or is it that in some ways, I'm always in need of time to deal with things
and somehow, time isn't at all friendly towards me...

Sometimes I just wanna say how much I wanna do this and that with you,
but yet I'm afraid of the time needed for me to get it materialised makes things worst...
yet again not saying it at all makes it seem I don't bother...
or that I'm not interested...
While the fact is that I wish I materialise going out of singapore, doing something that only the both of us
can be doing together...
God I'm so confused...what is a solution?

within singapore, things are rather restricted...
at my current status, things are limited, like cash... time...
so I find the only way to whatever to materialise would be working towards it...
and that requires time...which I wanna be granted...

Is there a way for all of this?...
fastest...shortest route...
I'm not bothered abt the pain...just wanna get where I wanna be and get what I wanna have materialised with my special one.

sigh...

Oh crap shit!
I hate to read up a whole lot of text after text...
this life really kills me very much and I think very soon....very very soon...I may just die from it...
total madness.
shouldn't the test of a person's capabilities be on the job...the work or project itself?
C'mon, exams basically tests how much you can remember at a go but vomit the whole lot of shit through your hands and on paper.
Everyone looked like some mad scientist scribbling some awesomely crazy formula on the papers....matching the biological memory space and how much closer to a freaking dot matrix printer are their hands.

Sigh....wished that maybe there is a new finding on a real Siao Ding Dang slice of bread...printed with whatever info you need to know and munching on it gets you remember it instantly!

Anymore of this shit I might soon very well turn into Grr of Invader Zim!
sticking out all day my tongue =p and humming the "doomie doom doom doom doomie doom...."
and having whatever I wanna eat in the brain of mine...oh sorry it's in replacement of my brain... =)

I closed my eyes...
like having a bad dream...
I spoke...
on the verge of crying I heard the most soothing voice,
"baby...what is it?... why?"
the very voice that soothes my heart and soul...
brought back calm.
Like things just got worst
like there was no end to the horrible friday that's been...
like all of a sudden in my state of concusion I warped through a few years without you
and still I found myself lying devastated and torn apart...
feeling the emptiness.
to some they wish for time
to some they wish for riches
but to me I need both to bring me across where I am to some part
they all call wonderful.
yet I don't mind being left with nothing
holding on to on my stomach in hunger...
wrapping up in newspaper out in the rainy cold
so long the life then was led with you...
But, I guess that's where I stand...
where my stand is towards you...
what I can't give in the instance
I'd still give in time
empowered by the will of going through means...
sometimes, it's hard
sometimes it's easy...
but whatever it is....
it's the resultant that matters...
Oh anyhow, my dream my dream...
it all started from one single day
when you decided to go away...
I cried but I respected...
believing you know best what you really want...
what you'd be happy living with...
decision laid on you.
Then I found myself setting foot
at the edge...
calling for the reason to live...
the reason to carry on what seemed meaningless...
my life...
I took off and swirled back to a dimension called reality...
a dream...
bringing me back to calm was the soothing voice...
my darling beside me...
Min.

Oh this is dark friday I'm seeing...
the mere strike of it and everything seem to be going quite wrong...
it has to be exams too...
my first paper.
sux totally....

What started the day before felt warm and nice...
in giving it brought much calm within my heart...
in loving it bring me life.
fighting timing towards the 5th day of the week
and ended up being hit at all angles...
for a quiet moment in the darkness I sit and stare at the nothingness...
wondering what the hell is going on to me...
the inital bang of emotional tension hit me hard... but having to handle time constrains i had
to hold on myself and get a grip...
every moment I flip across nicely written loves
it sent me an electric shock.
had I not mention my plans that I hadn't worked out to go overseas...
would things be better?
Had I not mentioned any earlier intentions,
would there be no disappointments?
Had I not gotten the gifts...
would there be discontent?
the fact is...nobody knows....it probably would have been better
yet it probably would've been happening anyway...
But whatever the case is...
it pains my heart very much to see us in such a way.
like all of a sudden the coldness...
killing me slice by slice...
and wow...what next?
a horrible exam paper falling bias to just one side of the student cohort...
totally unfair....
why not make it all open ended? sigh...oh shit exam just gotten through?
I really don't know...
but it topped the chart of craps for the ending of the week...
I can't think....don't wanna think...
pain and disappointment in a summation....

However situations are...
however difficult things may be...
sometimes... through time...
sometimes... just the end result that what I've worked for
will be able to tell...
will be able to bring things a step further...

Words are just words...
yet again, what is intangible and cannot be seen
can be said as non-existance
can be said as undone
all the more unconsidered
and effortless...
at the end of the day,
it's just going to be hope that
through end results bring an idea across better...
brings my heart further...

work things out may just be about me
could be about more than myself
might be everything put together
but whatever it is...
an on-going process it is
a function put through works...
for a final product that can only be seen as worth it
for the recieving end...

The days of coldness set in
the heat'n fever of stress
like an epidemic
spreading like wild fire
the greyness is killing very much
like there can be no light
nothing shining enough
to brighten one's way
Well lucky for me,
Us is what I still can hold on to
at this point of nothingness of my life
at least my sanity is kept...
caring for you works my other senses
loving you brightens my heart
besides the the mental pain we are all going through
undergoing brain damage as a community
in memory overload
in formulation of reasonings from reasons
in making practical uses of unknowns
in the utter craziness of this thing we all call
University Education
A process where the skills of practical survival
are lost or not taught at all...
A process where everything else loses meaning...
Education...
probably life's next big killer
but surely creativity's murder.

sometimes I just sit and wonder....
am I really that lousy in handling a girl?....
Am I not spontaneous at all...?

I'm sad...demoralized.....
sigh...
What the hell....ARGH!!!

"Daily smoothness than a day of great WOW! and a lead and follow up of shit..."

Here I stare blankly at my study schedule...
Not sure if I'm ever going to successfully deal with it all in time...
Yet again, I'm getting real tired...
Awaiting the saturday's observation results...
It's the test of triggering issues.
Argh...what the heck....I can't seem to bother so much about that now.
At this moment... I don't seem to bother crap about the migraines coz I guess
it's just living with it.
don't care if it's psychological or some medical effect...
I just wanna get over this whole thing I'm in.
Just got 2 new fish...calming my senses with my buddy's new set of music...
Reading the 'Special Message' card as I sit at my desk...
All feels well...
But is it?...
Is it really well after all?
who is to tell me that?
Life is like on a long straight road now...just walking and walking...
desert on the sides...
the feeling of awaiting death
just couple of days ago I thought everything was smooth and I was just starting to get hyped
and with things running in my head to do some stuff...
then all of the sudden all went blank...
like i tried to retrieve it but to no avail...
nothing is..
where I stand is a point of "don't know what the fuck is going on" position..
in every sense...
confidence pillar seems to be corroding... and I'm not sure if it is...
like taking a plunge from heaven...pushed down by the archangel..
A big dive it is...
So what I probably have day by day is a masking...
smile or not...what's the difference?
what seems to be like a play going on world stage....
playing a character that is supposed to be...
yet not living what you're feeling...
being split into two...

I wanna break free from my body...
If only I had the cash...
If only I had what I used to...
then, whatever I needed and wanted I'd have...
whatever spoils and pampering I could give...
now...even dealing with daily could be alittle of a problem...
too much now...means lesser tmr...
There can be no balance.
Don't know what happens today for tomorrow to be.
Tomorrow maybe the hardest day to come...
It may not...
whatever it is...24hrs time it'll come.
clock ticks to it's arrival
just live it and before you know it...a new day reaches
and everything passes...
see what happens next...
the heart...soul...is laid down strengthless...
in need of my energizer to fire me up...