Think I'll start going through things in another circle...
But I know I need some time off....
everything...
Get my head back in whack...
undo some triggering thoughts...
[m] will be someone I'm around for...
sometimes... to like is not to have
yet for some,
to have may not be for likes...
someday....
we'll see where I go...
when the time comes... I will know what to do...
I believe I would.
But first...we'll see how tomorrow comes.

=)

Had this lyrics resonating in my head the whole time...
Meant very much...
Said very much...
And embedded in with my thoughts...soo much...
How what's the use?...
couldn't catch it...
was just a goodnight song...

anyway....here it goes....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything... I have
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The beach...

2 Tests in a row...
Screwing up my head big time early in the morning...
Ain't thinking all too well...
Got another set tomorrow and the head ain't too good for such pounding...
For once after so long I'm losing my mind...
Just for alittle while...
Just for this while...

I think I long for the times when I lay on the soft white sands
the brush of the gentle breeze...
The Beach...
And I close my eyes... I picture myself just there...

But I ...alone...only a rooted tree...

"I saw you coming from a mile away
Trying to hide behind that pretty face
Bet my last dollar baby you been bruised
Poor little heart all black 'n' blue
Last thing you need's another pickup line
You must have heard them all a thousand times
God only knows what you been through
Believe me I've been broken too
It aches, it breaks, it made me wanna fade away
I've been around that block a time or two
Baby, I don't want to fall in love with you
I try, but I can't get around the truth
Please don't say my name, give this heart a break
I don't want to make the same mistake but it's too late
I'll leave on the light
These arms are open all night
I got your face in the back of my mind
I want to reach in and pull it out
And I'd be lying if I didn't say
When you're this close I'm afraid
Of the way I'll feel if I touch your hair
The way I'll miss you when you're not there
And that I'll see you when I close my eyes
It's too late, I've crossed that line
It aches, it breaks, it takes your breath away
I'll still be around come closing time
Just for you..."

I would promise the world but it's out of my hands...
But I can only give you everything....
That I am...and I have....

If I had to describe the very picture in my mind
I'd say it's a scene with stormy weather...
and I stranded in the midst of nowhere
visuals blinded and can go no further...
There I am in the blistering cold...
hoping for warmth
I find none...
Shivering in my bones...
like I a fallen angel...
losing all graces and brightness...
where my pillar is
where my fire is
where my strength is...
Grasp hold of none I can...
And there I reach out for a fading figure...
but to hold I can't...
to touch seemingly impossible...
Oh you....yes you...
don't you know you're...
Just like a star...
My star...
but diminishing to afar....
My painted picture of my mind...
And here I'm left falling awake...
Just blue....

I lay motionless...
weakened
staring into the blank of my ceiling...
a burning feeling arises...
an emptiness I felt as I travelled in the last ending week
I missed...
and I realised only being away
Away from everything
and there an apparition
or was it an image stuck at the back of my mind...
appeared right before me...
as I flowed myself into a short eyes close...
I reached out and it was gone...
Then a text beeped out of my pocket...
my delighted eyes brightened...
You are missed...
I told you so.
And the picture clip was merged with a beautiful song...
selected with you in mind...
all with a meaning behind...

But maybe all I am
is the invisible man...

Eagle in the dark
feathers in the pages...
Monkeys in my heart
Rattling in their cages
I walked a way that's blue
like I'm another ghost to follow...
It's only up to you...
Now my head is swell and hollow...
Romancing people are...
Forget it I'm no Romeo...
I've lost it through and through...
Don't know how to get it...
it's like
One foot in the grave
Other in the shower...
It's so hard to say...
And it's painful by the hour...
2 hours more to go
and today's yesterday it follows...
And there you see...
a lonesome man a broken down me...
But it's life...
My life.....

rockin' the hellova my room on a nothing day...
Just some day....
A commercial uproar...
a romance burst...

I'm feeling this is gona be my most jialat V-day since
D-day of romancing in my life...
oh well...
Yet the first I don't spend a shit on anything....
hmmm well...maybe abit. lol...for contributions to canvassing....hahahaaa
OOOoooops....

"It's late at night, and all gone home.
So finaly, we are all alone.
The waitor says, we're closing very soon...
Still remind so long, don't want to say goodbye to you.
I've got plans for us tonight. Baby that's right.
We share the last glass of wine.
Our hearts are beating in perfect time.
Wondering who, would be the first to say.
You know it feels allright,
why don't you hold me tight?
And that's tomorrow comes a day.
Don't think about what they will say,
just close your eyes and dream away.
In my way."

Cocktail for a night of letting myself just fade...
fade away....

Cruz Gracia Sangria 100ml
Scotch whiskey 1 shot
Porta Chile Red Wine 100ml
Erdinger white 1 Can

Mix them in your stomach + churn alittle...

= Redish Kenneth Stoning and in mood slow music....sway the night away....lol

Argh.....for this moment....
this very moment....
I can't damn it focus!!!!
I head is just wondering everywhere!!!!
crazy!!!!

OMG....cannot take it....
totally madness....

There must be something disturbing my concentration.....hmmm ....now what could it be?.....
=/

feeling very restless....
from fatigue to restlessness...
I think the next step would be hyperactiveness....
Oh no....siao liao!

my Biological battery is having a surge!
freaking went for a run round the school...and did weights 'til my arms and legs shivered....but then...
after a nice shower...instead of getting relaxed and slack down....my body re-energized!!
MAdness! lol....

Funcione a mí

FATIGUE!!!!
OH NO!!!!....my battery running out at the wrong time!!!

Anywayz... Day was still alright so far...
Test was ok....ability to at least 75% with speed study...hahaa...

3 more tests to go for the week and 2 reports!!!...argh! OMG.

V-day...at the strike of midnight....hmmm...
Kenneth....doing anything at all?....
I'm sorry, seems like you're very much farked with the big load of work to get done!....
Can't deal much with doing anything for anyone... unless maybe it's for something that could change the entire course of
my life....then maybe only...


"No , usted no tuvo que excepto mi No.
de la vida,
usted no es listo yo puede sentirse que él afuera que está lloviendo,
pero apenas iré su corazón lo dejaré a casa algún día ir.

Tan pronto como usted consiga que la sensación de usted pueda comenzar a vivir otra vez tan pronto como el peor encima usted puede tenerle todo el sentido Rigt de la marca ahora que no puedo darle qué usted necesita tan pronto como usted consiga la sensación... Funcione A Mí.

Hush, usted no tienen que decir una palabra. Confíe en, yo no van a odiarle para ella. Se siente como mi tacto trae solamente detrás el dolor que esas memorias quieren algún día se descoloran funcionamiento ausente a mí."




If only it's such...

Sometimes life strikes you by your ass
without you knowing why...
At times everytime catches you by the sudden blow of the wind...
And you're caught...

It takes courage and get to the next step of deciding what to do...

If it's all worth it...
then it's always worth taking the risk for it...
even when many things are put on the line...

3 more days to go to the end of the week...
It's about done....it's about done Kenneth...

Do what one will...
"Just did it"...
move off from a position of tension...
a place of torment and torture...
to greener pastures.

There I am...

walk on towards if you will...
stay in unwillingness if you will...

A day I'd throw all comms media out of my life
To remain the person that's just me...
untouched...
God where are you?...
My dear father...
How can I better deal with this?
How much then is too close...
How much then is just right
What is enough...
What is the max I'd go?...

I guess for now...
Gone with my speech...
to write I will...
Kenneth...your focus must come back...
Full and hard...
like how you pushed yourself out of the whirlpool...
like how you survived raging storms...
like how you'd fight off the fierce by being fiercer...
like how anything comes your way and fear is a pure element you'd just kick it off....

I guess I need time out in reaching out for others...
Mis intenciones no fueron llevadas el curso derecho. Así un lío propulsó. Dar comodidad y golpe de la idea incorrecta una vez más o apenas hacer una pausa el excedente del lado y del reloj sería buenos? El... lo que el padre desea, él me dirá.

Here I lay...
I tear at the already shattered crystal...
Feeling worst than the many battles once lost...
To walk away is much pain
To stay is much hurt
The words and whatever that's been placed...
Just shrivels into nothingness
like it's been never there before...

I sit by with Sangria, Boddington and Sake
for company...
hope they knock me out unconscious
And just give me a moment of peace...
a moment away...

I wanted to work to cure
but unknowingly
I worked to hit another causal...
Cruel...
Sleep a bad omen?...

Oh qué la cogida

Cuál es el punto en entrar algo que no fue significado para ser y una unión mal hecha...? Por qué la necesidad de empujarla más lejos...? Significa siempre eso para lanzar tales sensaciones para el afecto para alguien, debe haber un resultado positivo? Cuando las cosas no son posibles, apenas permanecerá esa manera sin cambio. Hace que usted no piense cuál es él como para mi lado cuando usted guardó el empujar de él esa noche? Primero trataba de usted como un amigo y trataba después de usted como alguien que deseaba ser más que un amigo a mí.

Ésta es la situación más dura que usted me ha puesto adentro. Si signifiqué siempre cualquier cosa, mi would've bien escogido respetado... sin preguntar.

me siento de alguna manera que con todos que he hecho... qué he ido a través con usted... es como un esfuerzo perdido. Usted lo hizo solamente o lo aceptó porque usted tenía sensaciones para mí y no porque era lo que usted creyó verdad adentro.

No deseo seriamente caminar en este lío otra vez. He pasado con bastante de esta clase de rechazamiento de la mierda? dolor?... el pozo I ha tratado de bastantes para decir, usted nunca sabrá lo que he ido a través para que usted diga que es posible cambiar ese mindset. Con qué usted ha pasado... Tengo, apenas recuperado más rápidamente, que no significa que era menos dolor. Qué he ido a través, conjeturo que usted no ha visto o fieltro.

Soy totalmente triste ver que son las cosas de la manera y ellas manera que usted es... Tanto en la cáscara... y mí esperó aceptar. Si usted incluso valora a esta hembra entera de la cosa... o ser humano del varón...... me deja ir cuando yo ningún dicho... y después de lo cual vería un conjunto de cosas sobre usted eso solamente después de tal situación que usted se abriría. Imagínese después de que la aceptación y thent él se abran... puedan una culparme por no aceptar quiénes usted es? O era usted que no me demostró que usted es en el primer lugar? El hecho considerado del that?... difícilmente, pero yo está apesadumbrados que... ésta es vida. Recepción al mundo verdadero.


ARGH!...so frustrating.
How is it I've gotta deal with this! just being good...but taken otherwise.

And so I'll say...
once more...
it wasn't meant to be...
If there was a reduction of me to nothing...
Then so be it...
Character clash...
stumble of perspectives...

To begin was the end of something else I valued so much more...
I have that in such a state
only pains me even more...
which way can I go?...
in comfort I'd give off signals in a wrong way
and thus a bigger pain soon to come...
in hardness I break up one
spoils whatever I am....
whoever I am...
But the hurt...won't be long lasting like the other...

and soon I'll hated and forgotten...
and the pain i you fades away...

And so...there I'll be...

reminded of the very reasons why
to hear and to accept
such cross over dealings from close to affection...
I'd never wanna step into...not now...not ever...

I can't take it....I can't...
and I know I can't.

Suddenly I feel tired...
Suddenly I've been shaken...
Like no matter how much I try to focus...
Things I hoped so much don't happen...
Washed me like the very wave that killed a part of me in a split years ago...

The aches and squeezes at every artery pump....

Sometimes there are things I just don't wanna see...
I don't wanna hear...
just run...
yes...may be I'd just need that...

it's been sometime since I last did that neverending run...just run...

Find myself back again after a weekend...
thought it was supposed to be the other way...
but anyhow...
funny how things can turn against you...

oh life.... BRING IT ON!

"I miss you
I miss being overwhelmed by you...
And I need rescu
I think I'm fading away...
But I keep think that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear.
I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room

So I wait and I wait....

...

I miss you
I miss talking all night long with you
And I need this to find a way to your home
My love can you hear me
Have I been hoping loud enough, wishing hard enough
Can you see me when I'm asleep all alone..."

I looked forward in coming back...
But in returning I find myself alone...
oh maybe not...just accompanied by notes and books...
A weekend of reminders...
weekend of happy moments...
Weekend of a new beginnings...
weekend of pain....
weekend of all emotional feelings put together...
Now somehow I'd just wanna fade away...

Sometimes I really wonder if somethings I see about a person is worth to share and worth to care...
Things either turned to loggers or just pure unjust emotional feelings...
So much for wanting to care
So much for bothering...

And sometimes I'd just wanna turn away...
But I've been asked...."Do you really want to turn your back on them?...yet if you do something you may get fired back"
And I replied to God in prayer..."Some pains are probably worth it..."

sitting by my desk... I wondered...after being knocked around by questions on r/s....
hmmm...actually...I duno when is it the time for me...lol
Coz the time is never straight forward with a sign placed there...
rather...it's a feeling that comes.
Last week...someone asked me...how is it that I'm remainding single when
there are quite a few girl friends around who are single and avail...
Well...I can't really answer that...maybe...I guess when one is like a sister to me...
like some in the hall... they will always be one.
Some are friends and buddies to me...they will always be one....
But when it comes to crossing that border... it will mean a different treatment... and somehow...
the imperfect me...can't deal with a change in attitude to those who were buddies and sistas...
somehow... that's what I reckon....damn it...but God might just make me eat my words again....hahaaa...he made me do so once
not sure when the next will come. It's an opening FAther!... =)

Anyway... the week of jialat hell...isolationism in progress....damn it....so much for it being a V-day week...with me filled with all these stupid tests and stuff... I've gotta start saving...start thinking how to make my freelancing ideas work harder.
and make a mark soon after I grad. hahahaa.....WoooHoooo!!!!

ok...here we go Kenneth!!! Let's go!!!!
Engine starting up now!...
this week is gona get busy busy busy!....
prob no pausal time...
full speed ahead!...

broke broke broke....
month's broke feeling....lol
damn it...spending too much...
and money from proj isn't in yet! OMG....
been doing too much funny stuff....trying too much madness stuff....hahaha....
I'm getting crazy...

strangely after having slept....
I can't get myself to start off studying....argh!!!...madness

Today my phone has become hot line...
Many SMSes...Many calls...
hahahaa...
some for chitchat...some for problem talk....so for biz...and some on shopping spree and did like to have
my opinion. hahaa...
next time I pick up.... "Yes operator speaking" I'll go....lol

Fatigue just kicked in...
And there I lay...
motionless...
Mindless....just a body....
mind in an empty space...
and I waste the day away...
like a dead man of the day...
the hours swifted pass
and then I saw night again.

Waking up...
I'm missing certain moments...
certain people...
certain touch...
certain voices...
like I'd always like them around...

oh well...

I've got NS call up for June!....
A 5 day "dunno what the hell they going to ask me to do" ICT.
Bring it on!
Shit duno if I can fit into my uniform now....hahahaa

A shocking day a good surprise...
It was great to be a cook...for all of you people...
It's even better feeling to have all of you enjoy the new stuff I created...
I welcome comments from all....
for future improvements!
bring it on!

Hey Thanks, Ja, Paul and Richie for all these....
It may have already been like weeks back...but you all have hit me with an impact...
really didn't expect the cake that I loved so much but...aye...Ja....too much for me to have to down at a go....
it's madness lah.... hahaaa...

But anyway...Thanks all!

Hope you all liked what you had and it was all to your liking.. next time probably come up with smthing else then! hahahaaa.

"If I had castles built on high
I'd find a million ways
to write yoour name
Against the sky
Just to let you know,
you've caught my eye
And if I had more than
wealth could buy
I'd sell it all and start again
for just a chance with you
Girl, I'd given my all to win your love
And I would be rich
And I would built all
my world around you
Just to show you
How to take my breath away
And you would find love, sweet lady
Nobody else this side of heaven knows
How you take my breath away
If I could turn the day to night
If I had faith to walk on water
Maybe you would see,
the reason I thank God for miracles
Cause baby when you walk into sight
You turned an ordinary man
like me into a king
I would do anything to wind your love
I think there's something
here worth sayin'
I don't want to scare you
So let me make my wish
and hope that you believe
In simple love, like I do
Say that it's true, baby
Cause you've got me shakin'
My breath has now been taken
I've got to overcome this achin'
To win your love"

Nice day... got out for a gd class...
somehow today i was like a blackhole...
knowing that today is gona be a great day
somehow I was having a constant smile on my face....
like it's like crammed on there....hahahaa

Went for a haircut today!

WooHooo....
and was visited by a client for my freelancing thingy.
all in all, I've already gotten 3 people contacting me about it. That's fast!...
Just about a day after sending out the softcopy of the biz card. lol....

And a nice surprise visit from Mag!
Shocked me at the door...
but it was a good feelin'. =)

people who aren't near or around the corner coming down...
dropping by the room... very nice!
And later I'll be having yet another group of friends comin' over again...but this time is for some advice on Biz ideas....
cool day!


=)

"There's no more waiting
Holding out for love
You are my Godsend
That I have been forever dreaming of
My angel from above
Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in you
What is this feeling
I've never known before
That I should touch you
Swearing to surrender ever more
That's what I came here for
But there's something about you
When you're around
Baby I have found
I get lost in a wonderful daze
Lost in your wonderful ways"

=)

I take a moment of silence to reflect the day....
bring in my thoughts...
what's been circling around me meant...
my mind...
my soul....
Paul...you've got to know that there are times, you love a person so much, but yet hate at the same time...
my context... in those moments you love the person so much that you hate the fact that you can't live without the person.
You can never escape the person...
Your probably next topic...
There is much to think about but placing it in a moment of thought....
this is what I've got.

Getting back to my head...
Don't know what's with this salsa feelin'...
the feelin' of grooving to salsa music or some cuban dance mix...
it's just feeling like I'm free...
=)

mid week...it's just about half way more to go...
Wasn't too difficult was it...? =)

And today...
I'm reviving my Graphic Design and Sound editing Freelancing!!
Just made me biz cards!
So....Graphics stuff...or prints for anything....c'mon make this your starting point....ask me.... =)

I've been staring at this page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for awhile
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried?
My secrets and yours shared on a silver try
Hey now...
I guess the night's just bringing you down
There's no love, there no hate...
All I leave them here for you to take
But whatever I've been saying...
Was a piece of my heart.

Sitting by the side of the table...
listening to the soft soothing sounds of "book of love"
played skillfully on a saxophone...
sipping on strained mocha espresso...
setting my mind on my surroundings...
awaken my senses...
Oh I miss sleep...
I wish to sleep tonight...
shutting off to the darkness of the world...
the knocking out of my mind...
But wait, if it's ever best...
I may just dream...
moments that could ever happen to me...
elements of emotional risk...
My enjoyment of singularity...
my yearn for company...
...
a head lifted high...
a confident guy...
a strong willed...
but behind there is always a need...
but hey...it's not time...
oh yes it's not time...

in due time things will fall in place...
like leaves settling on the earth
after some time of gliding and swifting
in the gradual calmness of the air...
though some times it can be so difficult...
but yet it could be so on the other side...
spikes....
spikes of my life...
jabs of my heart...
aches of my mind...
there I stand...
at the end of the day...
in will I'd smile the heart to bring light...

Damn....today is great....good day....lol....Wooohoo!
Can one imagine out of the blue I came upon a point of earning 350 just by talking and not doing anything!!!
does that sound good or what!...lol

Shit money is good when the karma is good...
it just comes when I need it so.
hahahaa...just when I thought I was just about to get real poor this month.... well this could be a good set for next month I guess...
some gd stuff to buy....hahaaa
oh wait....am I hearing the retail therapy?... Oooops

Today i suddenly had the butt shake feeling for salsa....madness but heck I like....hahahaaaa
Boogie!

"An image of your face
runs into my head...
over and over again...
how's it now?
is tomorrow going to be hard on you?
I don't know
but here I stay I prayer
I seek the highest
blessing you with better tomorrows.
How I've little time
but through it all I care...
wishing it's all alright
yes over there on your side...
I shut my eyes
I see and remember the times
when you were beside me
through my difficult times...
off and on it went
and patiently you listened
and understood...
every moment that passed
seemed like it's been decades
that I last saw you...
You somehow have been a part of my life...
that remains as a spark that can't fade...
sometimes as I sit alone in my empty room
tired from the day's work and rushes...
I wished you appear right before my eyes
so I can see your smile...
that warms my heart
and I believe everyone else around you too...
coz to me...it's been long...
so very long...
and the clock ticks every day away to weeks and months...
oh those precious moments
I tear as I wish I'd not need to do without...
I want to say I miss you so...
but yet somehow I can't...
what is it for my special thing
when even that I can't do...
so I just sit and pray for you in my heart..."

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave my hand to hold
taken beyond where
I could see
but was released and a fall I go
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
but now I am invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of life
I must be invincible. . .
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
but love is risk I would take
If I had known that then
my eyes are wide open
I still believe I would've missed it
But it's always a blessing
never a curse.

A set of irish cream
I dash of little happy food
and a drop of banana choco
a good set of mix for a happy heart.

=)

It's great to see the difference that can be made.

I closed my eyes and I thank God for a great guides he has given me...
1) my mind (rebellious but careful)
2) my dad (analytical and simple)
3) the support of mum. =)
4) God himself for giving me great chances...good or bad.

yet another mixture of wonderous becoming...
taking life learning at warp speed...
=)

In chatting... I realised how much I've changed myself...
being positive and the thing about SMILES!
way different from what I was in a moment in time back....
it feels good....in fact....great.

Spreading it....and making people feel so, feels even better.
and the smiles they give are yet comforting.
Perspectives in life changes over time.... though the vision stays
the route to it takes a warping bold move into another path...
and sometimes it's a good thing...in this case it is.

Love life...
and life will be good....
think negative...and whatever improvements there is will never be enough...

taking some time to think...
I found the life I led...
is yet way different from many...
and it leaves people in surprise...even myself...
could be called as crazy...
could be said as eventful but whacky...
it all depends...
you live that moment only once...
without commitments, it's always worth giving it a shot...
coz in future when you want to, you might not be able to.
taken risk in my own finances, my physical self...my emotional self...
so far it earned me quite alot...
and it doesn't have to be getting richer in monetary value but rather richer in experience
something that people can't take away...
it makes the difference between you and me...

V-day's comin'....alone?.... well...there is yet much to be done...
but yet, I think... it can be another great day putting aside all the other stresses of tests the following day...
spending time and have the little things for those who matter most...
in fact...if in daily...you reach out to as many...it matters more than just a day...
Life is good!
=)

Tough week ahead and pulling up my pants....I'm braving this storm...
friday will be a nice chill out day by the pool side in the evening and see how my creation has gone...
good or bad...we'll see the results on people's face....lol....
cheers!

where it all started...

We smiled, that's how it all started
And you came right in time
When I needed someone
And we said hello
Suddenly, my heart was beating fast
At the mirror you fix your hair and put your makeup on
You're insecure about what clothes to wear
I see nothing wrong
To me you look so beautiful
even when you can't make up your mind
It's half past eight, it's getting late
Oh It's OK, take your time
Standing here my hands in my pockets
Like I have a thousand times
Thinking back it took one breath
One word to change my life
The first time I saw you it felt like coming home
If I never told you I just want you to know
You had me from hello

Sometimes in life...
the expected keeps us going...
moving on from day to day
giving us the push in so many ways...
It is yet the unexpected changes our lives
giving the twist of fate...
Often in realisation in what we were either once blinded
or have taken for granted.

Here I stand out of the many worldly troubles I used to have...
I see those in pain, in suffering...
but yet to some extence there is nothing I can do...
only to be comfort...
only to be there...
only to show that in us, we can be stronger than we think we are.

Walking off the recent journey I saw how weak I once became.
I saw how I could be brought down to the ground by...
I saw what was it that really tore me apart...
It was probably yet again me...
so much for the practical mind, that allowed impracticality sip through
in view of certain desired possibilities...
Not that I didn't see troubles coming out of an action...
but I'd just take the risk anyway for the hope of proving myself wrong...
wrong in certain stuff...
I've challenged myself so much through 9yrs of my life...
physically especially... and now I want to place the challenge against me mentally?...
It's madness but it sparks self realisation...
Fortunately nature is such..
that you can be down...but there is no way you can stay there too long...
you'll bounce up to greater heights...
And there....
there's now I will reach...
it's how I feel I'm getting stronger...
Maybe then, there has been a reason to all these...
I guess this should be it...

There afar I should see my light coming nearer as everyday approaches...
every tomorrow is brighter...
every today is a breeze...
and every yesterday...
a good memory.

Even as the water flows...
flows into forgotten rivers...
I keep the understanding to my question...
how is it easy to some to let go of a ball so easily after picking it up....
Well...actually the answer could just be simply said as...
one enjoys purely on the rolling in of balls into grip and spoiled for choice and colours...
and so the call of "keeping the balls rolling" comes...
no matter how... it's never long enough to realise the uniqueness of every individual...
so none ever suiting...keeping in mind that with every moutain, there is always another yet higher...just unfound.
keeps will never be. so as contentment.
Well only after learning.

There is nothing lousier than cursing about something one moment and saying you don't care the next...
Whatever the odd perceptions maybe... It all doesn't matter anyway...
So much for the care of the well-being on you
So much for the helping you in the things you need help for...
So much for even loving... when the difficulty in dropping it off was only one sided...
So much for the giving when the appreciation wasn't much and yet was deemed too little...
So much that for all that I felt for...
Friendship hits a point of
talking to water and pouring it away...
memories like the wind blow of lang lang seeds

but like i said...beyond all these...
it was yet an experience...
An eye opener...

life is good...life is purely good...

Hmmm...no matter how a good weekend it was with great people in my life...
good buds around and time with my family....
There is yet some spiking feeling that someone is misunderstanding something about me...
well maybe....or so I start to feel by the tone of words that come through.

What I've said in my troubled times...were basically the feelings i felt, but nothing bad on your part...
I place no fault in you and yet in time I've even asked myself if I was truely inside out at fault for it all...
but I realised it's nobody's and it's very much on the differences of perception.
Even now I feel I haven't loved in vain and do feel it was still worthwhile through all the time spent.
When being asked, I can only express how much I've loved, but yet having the inability to handle time and commitments
that led to much difficulties between... thus leading to the end.
Trust me, if it was horrible and bad to the imagery people you think have in mind, I wouldn't be even standing by ever willing to be of any aid as a friend and bothered to care. I'd just say, however much I loved, we weren't matched to the point of jigsaw pieces, but rather a frame to a picture.

I guess in every connection, there is often a question of compatibility just like links to every system. Fault lies with neither just wrong fitting though in physical it may all be in sets.

I'm sorry if you had such impression, but be assured that there hasn't been anything interesting or untrue said even in my downest times, coz to people I've once loved will always remain as one before in me... the fact can't be changed...
If you think I'm a hypocrite no matter what I say... well that's your view... I've said what I wanted to say and have been true to my heart about it all. It's been always how you perceive things to be and I can't stop that.

Spent the whole of last nite working on my artwork...
"This is the Chivas Dream"...it states....hahaha...some advert that I had to form up to make it personalized as my own.
funny project.
I've still yet to make my scary face....with eyes that sparkle like laser is just about to emit from it.... hahahaa...
Still thinking about how my Mexican double peppers hot wings is gona be...
It's yet another new creation to add in my 4 on the list of food recipe in these 2 months of december and january...hahaa...
well people.....9th of Feb, is gona be a many guinea pigs day! all are going to be my
testers!

Not nice don't blame me! hahahaa.... OOooops...
don't worry it will be good, just that make sure there is enough water to go around for everyone!...
The sleepy people be awaken, the active will be sent rushing to the pool for extra water! Yucks!...

Anyway, we'll see how it goes....
hmmm....what else should we be adding on the menu for the day?.....hmmmmm....
baby back ribs?.... pepper crab?...lol....

"You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Instead of slamming down the phone girl, for the hundredth time
I got your number on my wall, but I ain't gonna make that call
When divided we stand babe, united we fallGot the time got a chance gonna make it
Got my hands on your heart gonna take it
All I know, I can't fight this way
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby, time after time

Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between in the eyes
There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time

Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide"

Hmm....weird...
I'm starting to appreciate white chocolate now...
Though I still love the bitter dark chocos...
Gotten very into the mexican cuisine...

And as my tummy is slowly recovering...
I'm busting it with all the protein once again....and hitting hard on the metal...
not as usual...but on alternate days...
strengthening in the process...
but I'm really not too sure about the agility to come back to me...
on scaling walls and rocks as good...hahaha....will try somehow.

=)

Adobe class tomorrow!!!....
Rocks!

I guess that's the only class in the week I look forward to...every fridays...
hahaaa....


Well the end of the hard week is arriving...and everything will be relaxed and well for alittle while...
before the start of a horror next week. lol... so many deadlines! OMG!

Avez-vous l'espoir de commencer ?
Y avait-il une vie où vous m'avez voulu avec ?
Je ne suis pas sûr...
Puisqu'elle semble que je suis juste facilement oublié.

As the start of a new third week for me arrives...
I lay with beads in hand...
I pray for the 2 other sickly dudes back from their trip...
and the one binkz who is in need of supernatural aid to get through the madness week... (well if I see I'll call on for their help...how about that?...lol)

And for me?...
the already recovered, but weakened Ken. weakened to a point where I'd be shivering while opening a packaging for those mini mart mango pudding.
But all will be good....

like I always say...
" Toutefois le demain difficile est, demain immobile venu...
tellement advienne que pourra,
il traversera également dans une brise. "....

So bring it on!!!

my this walk in life...

Dur il était a laissé aller, vous aiment tellement que je ,
mais oeil pour nous observer certains comment ne pourrait pas assortir...
avec vous être malheureux avec moi,
l'undure de la douleur I est pourtant en valeur comme longtemps en vous regardant loin souriez et soyez joyeux.

Même la pensée de la prise en bas des images de nous et de l'art d'humeur du soleil faisait mal. Vous juste n'avez jamais su. Elle n'est jamais étée car facile comme elle est à vous.

Funny how fever twirled my head this time...
woke up missing my close friends...
missing Min...
missing my ex-room mate while we do and talk nonsense together...
weird huh...lol...

oh well... life...that's the way it is...

Funny how fever twirled my head this time...
woke up missing my close friends...
missing Min...
missing my ex-room mate while we do and talk nonsense together...
weird huh...lol...

oh well... life...that's the way it is...

wao wao wao....what a day...
an experience...

Social work with IMH patients...
now that....that whole deal truly is something that tests my patience with crowds and get me to think that
I'm yet a person of reasons....besides having that shotgun temper. Esp when it comes to crowded places...and the inability to take care of people whom I totally can't communicate with.
Have done, orphans, down syndrome, old age... now IMH patients....think the next feat would be the deaf...lol....

But for now...i have to take care of myself....deal with my broken down body....from the many weeks of no sleep... it's giving way and acting against me now....
high power loss and over heating...thus a combo sickness....
argh...
Anyway...whatever...the day was still good and worth it.
I've done a gd deed at the start of the year...and also...gotten 3 of the things i wanted...and of which one i have been looking out for....i.e climbing shoes, chalk bag....just today...the MIGHTY MOUSE!!! BLUETOOTH!....lol....
hahahaaa
the week rocks!...well besides this stupid physical illness....
but the mind still thrives to have things seen as darn freaking great week!

And also....Thanks to Binks for the belated treat. enjoyed it too...
but that...u saw another magic trick....lol....hahahaaaa
funny how ur face gave the 'huh' look....
tricks are cool for entertainment....maybe...alittle more to me than to others....lol

Cheers to the ending 2nd week of the academic semester.... it's about weeks more to go towards 2nd of May...and I'm getting out of this freak place!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

A day of 3 Ex and 1 roomie...
my birthday...the eve of it...visitations by 3 ex-gfs and my ex-roomie...THE FELIX!
lol...

well at least people remembered...
but it's just another day I guess...
just getting older...

The best thing yet, I got myself my own birthday present....lol
A new pair of climbing shoes! a Chalk bag and chalk ball!....Woohoo!

Yamakasi I'm gona be soon....lol....ahahahaha...
God granted me with the wonderful elective that I always wanted... a great gift from him...
and a mind that has been strong enough to go through the things I have gone through...

Wonderful parents who've supported me through my 26yrs of existance...
with the rebel I am...and risk taker I am... and the oh so much problems and worries I've caused them in my sporting days...
At the end of the day...respected my decisions always and ever encouraging.

2 good brothers... one a social expert in the making and the other a self risen guitarist...both learning about life in their own special way that I've to help deal and guide them through...
and not forgetting my always baby sis... grown up to a decent banker...with a bf I will wanna make sure she is taken care of... else....nothing lah just see the tip of my knuckles by his eyeballs...lol...

26yrs have passed...
so much to think about,
so much have been done
so much has been gone through...
so much lost
so much gained...

yet...the real life of survival and building a place of my own is just about to start in a few months time...

10years ago...was the beginning of the great experience...
the times of travelling...the days of challenges and champions... the moments of fights and self determination... and the pains in life that one learns the hard ways... the aches of burnt emotions with the average of 1 each year that makes me totally sound that I'm really bad at handling those stuff... the rain of wealth and success and yet the letting go of such materials for the passion of sports even as I walk away from them with injuries...

And the first 16years were the years of plays and freedom... needless of worries...the wonders of carefree nature...
the life of a kid to a budding young man before hitting the next 10 into a man that I am today...

26years... just went by like that... with the blink of the eye...
For those I love will hold my love... the loved will be always cared for... and the cared for will remain...
whatever it is...all are still in my heart...but a big space is yet left for one... only one...
where those 10 have come and gone... they lay in comfort and left again... a decade of repetitions like this.
but the space is ever ready still to receive... still willing... though sometimes feelings of giving up were strong...
I still yearn the embrace of the special one.

Even now, the touch of those who've passed... brings tears to me... the feelings of sorrow in failure...
thought the past is left in history...there it will stay.

The future is the every second that I'm journeying through...looking forward to...
making 26years and beyond...

To those who've shared my life, being a part of it... be it ups and downs...
Thanks... it was an experience...
To those who've shared my passion in what I fought for...
I'm grateful... it was ecstatic...
To those, my dearest friends...
I wanna say, please stay around... there are more to come...and I thank you so much for bringing meaning to my life all these while...
My Dad, My mum... above all, you gave me the beginning to everything said above... all my love for you.


=)
funny things I'd say on my birthday.

I guess today is the day
where a bright spark shines over me
for the split second...
Given me the boost...
it's time...

release the sand
and let it go...
unvalve the waters
and let it flow

rekindle the light
and the warmth that spreads
all over to the finger tips...
that others may feel...
and yet another time...

a suction comes...
and away I go...
sweeps me away...

Wah can u imagine words spread super fast!
Entered a tutorial room today and everyone under the power elective were looking at me and asking me about my final year project....
they were all from different labs...and some were from the same lab but my set of equipments and station was way at the other end of the lab...with them in an enclosed glass room...
They all heard that I've finished the base of my project, gotten the design done and the circuit confirmed with it's required results....
all were astonished.... coz most of the time they never really hear from me and before they know it....I'm done with the main part of the shit work....lol...
Asked this guy called Alvin...he said..."oh the network and rumours fly super fast...in fact the day that the professor came down to look at your project, everyone were already talking about it...didn't you know?"

Son of a......sounds like i spoiled their market...

damn....feel bad.
but anyhow, I've got no time...unlike some of them...the luxury of spending time in the lab from morning til night...as if they need not eat...
I've got freakin' classes damn it!

now what's left is to wait for the other professor who used to be NTU's pHd student to answer my questions on his designs so that I can link mine to his and complete the entire loop....voila...the full blasting circuitary is ready for pantent....lol
cool eh...sounds ground breaking eh....
bullshit... actually it's just a load of crap.
I did my part with less than 20 bucks in hand though the wonderous thing was stepping down a high 220V input to produce a low 3V control pulse wave...
it was really nothing....just a few simple stuff....not complicated as what people all think...
the norm resistors and transistors did the job....poking things here and there....and it's done. Great work? actually it's shit lah... it's a innovation of putting few available things together and changing some variables.
And everyone is taking it like some big thing....alamak...what's with the world mama...?

all blinded by the wires and complicated looking circuit....and I mean LOOKING...coz it just looks complicated, actually it's not. even the second year polytechnic student can do such kinda shit...hahahaaa....uni students?....dun waste ur time studying in a university... what's most important is hands-on experience and you can see things further.
What's the use of all the theory when you can't apply crap to the real world?
The thing is, if you can't, you a waste of space.


Oh well...anyway enough of the school stuff...
I've headed myself into some retail therapy thingy....
all of a sudden, my wanting to get rock climbing stuff has risen again....
to replace my climbing shoes...probably look into that this wed...
and a new chalk bag...also see to that this wed if possible...
And I guess a gd nice jacket will complete this season's list of wants....lol....
probably a birthday gift to myself and suffer the rest of the days with lesser finances to deal with?....
whatever, but it will feel great just having those and carrying on with my climbing activities...cheap, gd and gives and great workout.
While the rest of the time....it's back to hitting the reports and my other stuff to urgently get done. as for tonite....
Give me a break! hahahaa...

Oh please I need to sleep....damn I miss sleeping... this sounds horrible, but true...
funny how the remedy to my last hit can't be helping anymore... and this time it comes stronger... imagine the endless alertness....and shit last nite i was supposed to snooze....almost....but a call just broke it and that was it...the chance...the doziing window was gone....sadz.... =/

I truely wonder if there is such thing as fully letting go...
maybe it's just for myself
that I can't stop caring, being concerned for somebody
whom I've been caring for
for a long time...
enough to have the feeling buit deep inside of me.

Like it's a daily thing
that I wonder how are things going
How was breakfast, lunch, dinner
and everything at home for you...
Has the world been able to place the smile on your face these days...
or have you been kept in warmth and comfy in these cold chilling days...
such questions I ponder upon...

How is it then that I ever turn away...
that I can even one day look you in the eye and say you mean nothing to me...
well the thing is that I can't...
it's my inability...

argh...my handicap...
nature made me this way...
or probably fate brought me to such a point
to bring some teachings across to my head...

I don't know...
do you?
oh well...you probably don't care...

At the end of a hard day...
Or any day bringing a test of mental strength...
I sit down, having a bottle of Bundaberg Ginger Beer....
Ooooo.....yeh!
It's heaven.

lol....

And even after a great day with the day's catch... of 3 different fishes...
cooked in 3 different styles...
Wow...
pure enjoyment!

"Oooh mimi dancin' out on me
Oooh...she not wearin' any panties
I like it when she calls me dada
and she pop it like she from Jamaica..."

hahaaa...some song I came across while I was doing hip hop mixes...spinning some music in my room
with my trusty Altec THX 90Watt speakers!....WhoooHooooooo!

Guess wat!!!
My design work is a good to go!!!
I say again people!!! GOOOOOD to GO!!!

loves it!
riding on a highway now to project progress!
Wooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!

But I'm freaking freaking tired....
exhausted....
well hope that will knock off y insomnia...

Seeing you...
feeling you...
A wave of sadness and tears overcomes me...
To know the unhappiness within,
life's stirring turmoils
with little rest,
so much booze'n coffin nails...
I wish things were beter over that side...
I hope for improvements on all you matters...
here'n somwhere...
I still do care.

A free day today...
A slow moving day...
a continuation of the previous...reading up on lecture notes and books...
and awaiting time to dinner at Waraku... to meet up my ex-room mate...buddy....Felix
and the gang...
supposed to be a gathering...and to my surprise they put up an early birthday arrangment for me!
OMG...I was so shocked....totally lost for words...didn't know wat to say...
like even the thank you could be forced out of the mouth...
just stare blankly...
WoooHooo...
And a nice cool Nautica polo-T...
Thanks everyone!
Appreciate it...really!
Just made my day...

In realisation of how easy for some
to put away values that once were...
For me it was yet roses and kisses between,
the fragile sun and moon,
A special message a gift...
most of all a little chalice
with a word from the land of the rising sun.

So much for all that was said...

Ain't sure what I mean at all.

To watch you leaving...
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into the soul...
As a stake from the garden tears into the warm dark earth.

To watch you leaving...
knowing all the while that never again
will fit myself...
warm with sleep against the comforting bosom...
Nor hear steady breating
Or feel the beating of you heart.

To watch you leaving...
aware in every moment of everyday that dreams and future...
once tied with silken ribbons will ne're come to be.
And the morning once so silent and hopeful,
me gazing into your awakening eyes...
so gently awaiting...
are now but small pieces of my past.

To watch you leaving...
is to know that I've lost my place...
The station and a heart's home.
That the wander, a nomad...
Alone, cold in sadness.
Troubled dreams watch you scoot...
again and again...
for the balance of sleepless days...

Fuck! damn it...
Why is it so difficult?...
Why can't I just get myself out of this?....
tell me why!!!
it's been weeks....oh God it's been weeks...
to month is has been...
fake to being kwel..
fake to having smiles...
fake to being alright...
a great pretender I try to be...
fake being strong
fake being stone cold and hard
fake being tough...
but afterall...
I'm the one...lying here
alone... here...
myself...
where the prayers somehow didn't work...
the rosaries can't silence the thoughts...
I'm in pain...
Give me the rage to numb the feeling...but it's only for awhile...
when I come back down...
I'm weakened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staring right back in the face ~
A memory can't be erased ~
I know 'coz I tried ~
Start to feel the emptiness ~
And everything I've been missin'~
I know and I can't hide ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was pain 'til I had to get out of it fast
Before the exhibit of emotions and tears
Faked a smile and made my move
like wanting to stay and yet wanting to disappear
reaction that I'm not familiar with
the wrong mix and fusion of the heart and mind
jumbled vocals
uneven breath
spike in heartbeat frequency...

Oh damn it...can't believe migraine overcame me last night...
mixing insomnia and migraine was sending me back to hell...
bring out the raging devil within the human body...
like everything was pumping the fire inside...
the blood boiling at every corner of the veins...
red fuming eyes and smoke fuming out from the skin...

then the world was spinning around...
my head was spinning all around...
having that and yet you can't faint into the darkness of sleep...
How wonderful is that...

And the heart super charge pumps blood
to feed every muscle inside
to mechanize and fuel the impulsing infinite fury

Nothin' provided the sense of physical pain...

But a jab and few needles
gave a punch to knock the daylights off my mind...

WONDERFUL! ain't it!

Just felt like writing some shit...so haha...here I am...blogging...
some inputs before I hopefully end the day in closure of my eyes...and my mind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If heartaches and jaded had a face
Think it would kinda look like mine
If they had homes it would be my eyes
Would everyone believe me if I said I'm sick of this
here I go all over one more time
Tried to climb the steps
Tried to put up the chase
Tried to earn my way through
Tried to change the living minds of love
Oh better believe that I've tried to beat all these...
So when will this end
It just goes on and on
Over and over again
spinning me round no it won't stop
'til I step off my living consciousness into a faint
Well I never thought I'd end up here
Oh I never thought I'd be standing where I am
kinda thought it would be easier than this
Guess I'm wrong now
This one more time
My Carousel of shit...
I still feel the same though everything has changed
the pain it cost
I feel lost in my own name
And I keep running
Just go workin'
I keep living dreaming the day when I'm with you
what if I'm with you...
The past has left its stain
now I feel the achin'
like you took away the chains of yesterday
And so heartaches and jaded, my face...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOW!
hit off a good start... on the first day of school...
even though it meant rushing the shit out of me...
Been to lectures, lab then to hall and back to lab again...
suddenly the distance became very short...but seriously, my legs are tired from all that walking.
But still...it was worth while...all the rushing in and out of every where...

coz....

MY CIRCUIT WORKS!!!!....

decided to test it on 120 volts per cycle input instead of pumping up the volume straight to 230V immediately...
no wonder it kept burning....
and there wa some internet short circuit somewhere in the scope I was using that caused some error reading....
damn...took up so much of my time to search for the problem points...stripping off wires after wires and changing chips after chips...with every other components....finally!!! finally!!!!
well goal for today was set at just the 120V...tomorrow I will head off to see if gradually increase of the supply, will I get the same good output I want....

Oh pray for me!!! months of hard work and including losing so much that meant to me... at least the best things could go from here is to have my FYP work well enough for me to graduate and get me hell out of here.

Though I know deep inside, losing what I lost...really wasn't worth it...for my projects....material stuff....but...sigh
I've gotta answer to myself and my own financial supply...might not be able to last too long if i have to prolong this.
Things for me could just turn even uglier...which I don't want to.

my insomnia!!...argh...now that's the one thing to deal with...and the migraines...well...i guess in time it will all go off...i hope..
coz' I'm feeling the full fatigue and very soon I think I might just collapse. But this time, I'll be collapsing without the someone I've been missing.
I guess slowly she's taken her bigger than baby steps to create the forcefield away from me... and so... no more in her life I am living... oh I dunno...
Maybe just thinking too much shit...

for now...I'll just try to rest myself... with the mogu (reminds me of how it feels to sleep beside her...)

haiz...

After all this time
I never thought I'd be here
Never thought I'd end up here
When my love for you was fine
But I couldn't make you see it
oh I just couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
And I found a part of me died
When I watched you go

Would try to fall asleep
in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
yet the nights seem to slowly fleeting
vanishing as reality crashed to the floor

Oh see oh see...
the beginning of the new semester is finally here....!!!
Oh man...
expecting crazy lifestyle...
while seeing others havine time to do other things....
sigh

Well had a good time at the "V tea room"
serves great tea cakes!
very english/venice ambience concept. cool.
just sitting down there have tea and cakes...well not my normal kinda habit but once in awhile.
Will head off for a workout soon to deal with that in awhile. lol....hahaha
Good set in the week to end the 'holidays'....so people are calling it even though I didn't really have much of it...better than nothing....hahaa.

Now Kenneth....back to work!... tmr is the day...8th of Jan...
with the next celebration time would be 11 days later...and that's about all...
Let's go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Has all love cold
a place bitter and broken.
taste of a world I know
there must be something better
something that good forever.
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road slowly burning.
Oh yes I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give.
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing.
you'll find me standing in the night
with stars seem so unending
a night's dead uncaring.
What's painted
whitewashed all works of loving
when all that remains
shadows of our stains
is it then all that easy
just drop it all and moving on?
I'll have to go
to a place I know
that's the one called beginning
start over after ending...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally managed at least 2hrs of sleep...but got awaken by God knows what...
leaving me with my eye wide open...

oh well... the semester is about to open once again...
after a few weeks of not much of a break, but better than nothing i guess.
Brave it! =)

I'll find my sleep soon...I hope.
since from 15mins to 2hrs...then comes 7hrs....lol....hahaa

--------------------------------------
Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
Trust me I know, because I tried
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know that I can't hide
Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know, coz' I am tired
Carrying the dreams and thoughts I lost
Picture frames and card with all the thoughts
Oh trust me I know, I hold inside...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...

But when you're near
you're lost, I'll help you find
come along around
time to time we're all blind
Don't have to tell me what you feel...
I know what you're going through
Won't be the one that lets go of you...
Dont' have to be alone with the journey you're traveling on
Though all dreams and hopes are torn...

All this time that's passing by...
I think it's time
to just move on...
------------------------------- ok I don't know what to say or do anymore....
Let time pass i guess...

The inability to fall asleep has hit once more...

3months....3 months phased passed...
now i hope it's not the beginning of another set...
it's been the 5th day straight already...

Part human...Part machine feeling...
or rather, on the ugly side... a Zombie...
the undead.

=/

FYP circuit didn't work! wat's with it! oh help somebody!!!

is it some avoidance on both side?
or is it just pure sensitivity issue?

darn....human is a set wierd beings...
oh well...

Here I sat...alone at work...
and study...trying to put my mind away from the world....
away from anything and everything else...
But...
in the moments of silence... the tranquility was disturbed by a short bang...
the dropping of a beautiful painted glass piece of a sun and a moon...
and together it fell with was a card...
the card that has been ever invaluable to me...
the card that everytime i felt alone. i read it and i felt happy and joy...
but this time...
it was pain and aches...
coz the feeling of missing someone who resided in my heart for a long time...
and now leaving it..making me the very thing
where the heart is an empty room, just came sweeping me over....


it read...
"Dear baby,
Surprise! =) I just wanted
to drop you a message to tell you how much I love you,
from the bottom of my heart.
For the difficult times, I'm sorry and am very happy
you still stuck around to bear
it all and make me smile again.
Thank you for being my little
understanding pupu and doing
all the silly things just to
make me smile. (i know it's
hard sometimes). You are, once
again, my...

SAFEKEEPER"

The very moment... what I've been holding within... all these while and just couldn't let out...
and all the dryness broke out drenched by tears...

Eyes were leaking!
shit I need a plumber quick!

sigh...

It's been so long since Ive touched
So long since I wanted
Then you made me laugh
And my heart opened

I want you to find me charming and wise
I just want you to find me
Somewhere here inside
I barely know you
Weve been sort of friends
So what if I called you and called you again
What would I tell you
Where would I begin

Please forgive me
If I dont know what to do
It's an old fire
This familiar desire
But my skin is painfully new

Theres a light in my window
It shines all night long
In the morning my coffee
Is sweet but its strong
I carefully reach out from behind these walls
I'll take a deep breath and give you a call
Hello how are you
Not much at all

Lost in this hole
That has ripped through my soul
I unlock this secret inside
What should I think
I've had too much to drink
As my mind and my body collide

step by step i take....in walking the lonely road
the road...that was probably left for me to walk alone...
along with stones and blocks that I'd trip and fall and get up on my own...

Life...

Well I guess it's getting over you
getting over me...
it's a shade of vast pains I see...
but it's something...
at hand...
in control
I have none...
coz I inside
become worthless
no speech no mind
echo...

missing you...
reach out I whisk air
emptiness sits in...

awaken by the cracking of crickets...
after the many sleepless days
I found comfort on soft linen.
But there alone, I lay...
strengthless, tired and heated
by the chill of constant pour
and the shivers sent by the monsoon winds.
With bird's eye view I see myself...
lonely, woebegone...
all curled up under the blanket
unable to warm the cold...
how is it joyful for a new year to come by
when such despondency lies within?...
I guess I'd just lay back shutting of crickets
and fall into the dead of the night...
asleep...
exhausted I am, but somehow I can't...I'd try...
what is it that's haunting me?...
without love?
or the coming of a new tormenting semester?
or the rush of blood in my brains for all the crazy nights
in my fight for survival...
missions after missons...
role play after role play...
cracks of firing piercing through the silent nights,
up hills, up trees, embedded in shrubs or a cocktail of choco-like water and mud...?
or is it the emotions of combinational feelings above...
that wreck the senses of my mind...
to think to have found what I truly love at the lead of 2006
but to find that what was between was a misfit that caused
so much pain...
so much tears...
so much aches...
so much breaks and reconciliation...
so much depression...
for two...
the two in love...
that burned acid fire
in destruction of hopes
by the coda of ballad 2006.
Leaving me yearning her very much,
yet be near I may not...
be loved I cannot...
to love I'd wanna try...
but hateful of myself I'd become
to see myself falling in ditch after ditch
again and again...
failure unending...
I guess,
Yes it is...
it's the emotional combination...
the cocktail of what dissolves my heart and soul...
like the diminishing of flaming lamborgini.
the fury blue slowly disappearing into the clear shot of spirit...
I know...I still love...want to embrace...
you...

Back finally...bringing satisfying exam results checked on friday....have to do more thanks giving for that...
and 4 sleepless nights and days of wet weather...
all drenched in mud and swarm waters...
where the skin wrinkles up,
all soaked up through.
For the moments I found to sit and reflect...
I missed you so...
but yet to find non responsiveness,
I guess someone else in life you may have gotten...
or drowned in fun you are that I'm smoothly forgotten...
But it's ok I guess...
I'd wish you all the best...
for this new year I wish you great blessings...
smilez and happiness you find...
without the known cause of depression, me...
with great warmth for u now you enjoy...
and a brightened joy you may have...

crazily tired I am...physically and mentally...
today I still have to say this for my resolution...

I'd wanna be able to better handle time,
accomplish driving,
get the academic final semester through...
start off my career...
find peace in myself...
to hold on to a good job
and to seek a well off love life I'd keep for long future...
in settling down...
where I'd find myself
with a family I may start by 30...

And I thank God for getting me through 2006...
finally it's over.... and I look towards a fruitful 2007...

The time is about up...
The moment of results is about here...
I shake...
I fear what I'm to see though I say I'm not
yet...
I wanna see it though I say I don't...
it's crazy.
The month is about up
The year is to the end...
And the rest I haven't got...
Many things still undone...
like time was not enough.
Everyday passes by like I was constantly on the run...
a marathon unfinished
a run unending...
But the only comfort I find that I can be lying on
is to know things are good on your side of the world
that the time precious perl
spent with cool people
the way you want it
the way you liked it...
While I standing here...
I know it's the path I've been in
the one I can't get out
at a cross road
where either ways leads to mindless pains
Where numbness is the common thing...
As I move along the gravel
small puddles ripple my falling tears
reflection of sadness
with the kinda days going by...
not denying the aches of not being able
to have you the love of mine
mutual yet unmatched...
loved yet hurt
embracing yet aching...
wanting forever yet can't last to see it
with perceptions all criss crossed in a mess
but everyday I'd wonder how you are
having you in my heart and my mind...
now the only 'friend' I have is work
when the 'friend' still hurts me very much...
I'm back to sanitarium visitation
for the mind blowing syndromes...
either ways...life isn't too friendly
walking on either side of the road...
Just walk Kenneth
Just walk...
walk through it blind folded
and come what may...
though in the darkness
the focal memory is yet her...
with no ways of drowning it...
drinks won't do
sleep won't do
and dying is eternity...

"Still feels like the first night together...
feels like the first kiss
but we're getting weaker
no one can be blame for this
I held on like you're still the one
first when our eyes met
still the feelin' I get
wanna hug you tighter
wanted love to last longer
you could turn the fire on....
if my love was not enough...
but my heart was for you alone...
I wanted our future good...
for all that I've not done or you felt that I should...
Please forgive me
the pain I put you through
Please believe me
my love for you is true...

How our lives crossed
but the pain is matched we're not...

I guess,
You need to release me...
though I need you like I do..."


The great pains to have in mind that what you love...
isn't what that is gona happy with you....
Thus no matter how much...
things are hard to be right...
Though it isn't either at fault...
the thorn strikes at both...

Spending the few days without my handphone
and out of the house and in medical red lights...
the isolated moments I had to sit down, with nothing else at hand...
those thoughts struck me to the kill...
many reasons i couldn't be connected...
no phone,
didn't bring cash in the rush...
fever struck soon after...
knocked out dead and tired...
I was totally blocked!...
with just me and the arm chair beside the hospital bed
with my sick and sleeping grand...
What a way to spend christmas...
with worries and sadness...
with the pain I don't wanna have...

sigh...what's the life coming to?...
though I wanna see and hug her so much...
but time I don't have...and I'd wanna try to make...
look at us now...how are we and what are we, I yet do not know too...
Before I know it...I'd be in wilderness and more crap.

all a pile of shit...

How's anyone able to understand the position I'm in...
how to explain when words are cheap...
how to do when time is not my hands when anytime i want I beep...

ARGH!!!!!!!!
THIS IS DRIVING ME TO MY GRAVE WAY FAST!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! HOHOHO!!!!!

I guess christmas is getting too heated with stuff to deal with....
I've reached fever point...
argh....boiling and really bad headaches....
sigh....what a way to spend it....

the company for hospital visit of my grands for her check up was supposed to be tmr!
tmr!!
hypertension kicked up a big fuss and breathlessness struck...
all got worried and she was off to hospital... warded again... sigh...

had headache the whole freakin' day....think I'm dying...
had to head off for the outpatient coz of my ridiculous migraines again....totally sucks!!

hope it's not here to stay...

got home way pass midnight...after a whole day running around the place for my components...totally not fun at all!

need to retire...

Confused at what my status is...
attached?
single?
... what am I really?...

maybe it's...."confused"...


A good friend's dad just passed away...while they were on a family trip...
bid farewell in his sleep in the hotel...
How unexpected and unfortunate things can be...
Just like towards the cross over to the new year to find my aunt pass away...
what a shock I had by a call just a few years ago and I guess nearing the time... the feeling hasn't passed.

So much things....so little time... low on resources... tired...

Spending christmas and new year with military disturbances... grand's problems... relative's sadness...

totally not good at all...

How is not wanting to rack up yesterdays
things you can't change
a very thing that can screw people up?
I thought letting go of yesterday and have new todays was a better deal?

I think no matter what I'm going to say...
what I do....
there is always a waiting moment to catch and fish out a fault
to have me whacked down and blame for....
whatever lah....my fault....
my wrong....my bad....
however you want it...

I can take the trouble in doing certain things...
I can spend however much (but now I'm freaking broke)
or feel however much for....
there is always something to pick about me....
oh well....
oh oh well
well well done!
how wonderful life is.... I'm just one person who can't seem to get some things right....
fark it...it's just me...
I guess I've explained myself eough....

going to burst! argh!

To think I planned
but yet went busted
tix gone wasted
but what can I say
when I'm no more
and nothing am I...

Suay is my middle name...
unlucky i guess...

a day out cut short
to the lab I returned
ending it with my project burnt
roasted plastic and sparking lead
it's gone it's gone it's gone...
so much time of work
all gone at a strike...
OH WTF!

Merry christmas!!!

the touch
the breath
the scent
the warmth
the sweet silence
the hugs
the kisses
the sweet whispers...
the feelings...

Oh how I wanna hold on
Oh how I wanna embrace...
But how then
Where do I stand?

in the midst of nowhere...
lonely and aimless...
harden like i stone...
cracking at every knock...

I love...
the closeness...
the warmth...
the split second moment of looking into your eye
But I find myself
sinking into speechlessness
for the seconds the felt long...
not knowing what to say.

I want you,
yet I don't dare...
in fear again
that you saying I don't care...
then I'd be sunken down
into a pool of blood
formed by my bleed heart....

I guess...
this is the point where
I don't know
if a line should be drawn.
Before I cross over the border
and get oh so deep into you
and yet to find that we somehow
are difficult together.

It pains me so much
to want to love
and to be with somebody...
yet it's so difficult...
And to be reminded that
what working things out really meant...
something that I couldn't give...
coz' I own none and incapable...

Help oh god help!...

Didn't sleep all night coz of the rain...
finally braving the hard pouring and thunder to get out of the dry comfort zone, moving out to the east.
Seeing you melted me. Even while the dog was jumping crazily for my attention that couldn't be shared...
my eyes just followed wherever you floated off to...
I missed you.
But the sight of you dumbed my mouth...
only little actions of pecking on your lips and hugs whispered alittle that hardly could hear.

It pains me to see how things ended up this way...
I love you that when I see you today I wanted to cry...
but I held it...
coz I couldn't say it...
to you words were cheap...
it probably meant nothing for me to say it...
coz whatever I did...
was done...
the result has taken over
Nothing can ever change it...
all with my slippings and faults...
only guy
only human....
maybe it was meant to be...
just friends...
or me just a shadow of you...
watching over...
caring for...
like a crew at backstage...

what's my kinda life?...

The days just went on....
without sleep...
6am in the morning....dragged on with thoughts of aching and pains...
with head filled with so much uncertainty...
I love yet I am incapable...
maybe there is something that I don't have
thus leavin gme unfit...
that a quality that I lack...
or maybe is that the life I'm presently in does not permit.
Well I don't know...

seeing the indian ah neh prof wasn't a fun time too...
with getting stuck on project work once again...
aimless findings...
research with no direction...
test with no guidance...
totally madness.
This isn't the kinda life I wanna be in.
mental, physical and financially straining...
Work, effort and simple dollars and cents
should not be take for granted like that...
it all adds up to good use and bring future smiles...

sigh...
step by step...
I find going on with where I am standing...
status as a student
as a man...
as a guy in love...
it's all in the dump...
totally don't know where I'm heading to...
or what's going to become.

My goals my goals...
to have a family I call my own...
to hit the first million asset rich at 35
finally to set an auto churn system of earnings...

So that I may live in comfort with my love ones
in the furture to come...
no worries of the next day...
to have whatever that's needed and wanted...
I travel around happily with the family of my own...
see a son and daughter grow into their new circle
an extension of where I've been started....
like chains of rings..
bringing on unending continuity...

It's gona be tough as the start...
I always tell myself to push on....
to persevere...
determined...
and focus...

Each time falling into a ditch...be it academic or r/s...
I tend to ponder upon my abilities...
to handle these 2 so trying issues of my life...
like I'd any time
soon maybe...
just die in battle...

those may seem the simplest things..
but yet are the most trying to conquer
most challenging to steer off complications...

I found time and again
I fall into the boggling snag...
hurt, pain, aches...
tears, blood, sweat...
migraines, insomnia, lifelessness...
forming the cocktail of shit...

Here I stand in the midst of the wild...
no answers
no solutions
no way...
pushed on strongly
with a fire
ceasing to extinguish
but gears and axle
unreachable...

The ache of the heart
brings torment to the troubled mind...
how simple gestures
churn a huge wave
then into storm.
I care for
I love..
and everthing else
all my actions of concern
and prideless steps
seem meaningless.
all in one sweep
with just one slip.

Oh my scorpion filled mind...
what do I do?
blow off the fire...
To let all rest and heal in time?
push and let the fire burn within my engines...
where possible slippings
angered frustrations in time
may cause further hurt?...
What do I do?

I love thee,
I care for thee,
I yearn to embrace...

But my exhaustion
and breathless state
brings me further into the days
with a heavy yoke
I don't know if I can bear long enough
told hold the burnings
and steam in angered me...
I'm in control...
I've controlled...
and I've always...
for you
to you
with you...
but what has been done unto me,
why mistakes of similar nature
can't I do?
a complicated human
to a well programmed machine?
which am I to be?

Now what am I to do?
well, unfit to say
in many ways...
so now decision lies on you...
deep down I want...
but slips and faults I may...
thus hurt comes...
so to have this carry on?
or drop it off and take the next step in life and be lonely?...
what is it for us?
what now?...

You I love
Where do I stand?
I'm here
I'm here...
right here...
what say you?

it's so painful to find love
to find that love's future crossing in difficulties...
then to split yet love still lives in between...

like tearing apart a beating heart...
blood keeps flowing unending...

aches and sadness
to the numbness of the mind....

Yet I opened my eyes...
Oh God! it wasn't a nightmare...

I'm watered...

Here I lay...
with sadness my name...
loneliness my second...
and Lost my pet...
couldn't bear the thought
that now I'm just me...
no more us in description...
no more we.
I couldn't sleep the whole night,
thinking about the wonderful times...
and nice pictures we took.
funny how I never took so much pictures with any other
but just with her...
in fact I was never the picture fanatic...
and thus my history becomes a myth...
lost in the hard drive I once had...
but that besides the point...

Beyond the sadness and pain I've been feeling...
yet I smile to myself and say....
at least the better thing that came out of this is...
she no longer suffers...
the pain and anger...
being with me...
things she can't stand and can't accept...
the flaws I hold and somehow doesn't seem to let go.
given awhile...she will be depressed no more...
brightened and cheerful...
unlike the darken days with me...
covered by Kenneth the grey...
who lived not to her expectations...
killing her emotionally too...
Now she is free...
where I am placed in the middle of nowhere...
there...I lay....
Sad...
Lonely....
Lost...
with the hit of 24hrs no sleep and yet widely awake...
I guess... insomnia could be back...
once again to haunt me...
but so what...
let it be then...
let it be...
nothing worth being so conscious about anyway...
like hollow life it is...

The love that I built for
The care and concern I only have for....
was you and now it's gone...
one by one...
just like baby steps...
it fiddled away...
creeping away from me...
all alone I am...
better off away from this earth...
which I now don't see meaning for...
Coz the one I saw meaning in...
even to end any bonds or ties I had of future prospects...
is gone...
walked away from me...
so what's the point now?...
fighting myself not to get affected?...
it's the impossible that I've always feared coming....
all the time I've always wanted to give you surprises..
but either found out...spoiled or found unwanted...
every little bit no matter how hard...
I'd worked for...
and yet have been the first I've ever gone out to work for...
to get things for...
specialty?...
well, I don't do or go to such distance for anyone...
but you...
all you say, you're high maintenance and thus, it's gona be hard for me to up keep...
when all I'm saying is I keep trying...
I believe patience is a virtue...
it's something I held on all the time...
keeping calm and unangered towards you...
where towards you, my temper I tamed...
towards no other...they have seen such in me...
but to you...
everything is different.
How you see me...
is very different from how the others see or they get to see...
because it's been different for them...towards them
compared to you.
Coz you've been special.
I love you.
All this while...
I may not be a type who smokes...likes drinking and stuff...but...
even when it happens on you...
do I take it as you don't love me that much to control yourself?
I don't...
Coz I accept...
I may not like...but I grow to accept who you are...
and in love, or my love for you has been to accept the person you are and they way you are.
That's where you also see however things went...
whatever you did...
I'd still be at the corner...waiting...
in pain or iin tears
but ending with a smile towards you....hoping to hug and kiss you once more
and for you to accept me...
Very much earlier...
put across 3 phases of 400V having a potential across me...
that split... my fight was to be back...
like I made a deal with God...
that if I could just tell you I love you just one more time...
even if I have to go somehow...
with a heart attack....
it'll be all worth it...
Well I guess... now... since all is done...
whatever happens... matter does it not...
the chapter in my life...
coming to a close...
reopen to anew it may not...
just where I am....
sitted...alone...
helpless...
cold...
loveless...
where I fight alone with the dimension of time...
a race I consistantly have been through all the time since I came to work my life...
but whether the fight goes on...
it doesn't matter...
what matters is I've lost...
I've lost you...
the one special...the one I love...
I may not be the perfect person to be with...
but all I can say, I've never lost myself against you...
my mind,
my will,
my temper...
my love...
there was no other coming to level with you in me...
coz there was only you...
and my life surrounded you...
like where I am...is a subset of what school and you are...
there within is my life...just me...
no life...if you drop off...coz school...is just dead.

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

Intentions delivered and received in a wrong perspective is painful...
Truely I miss you so and it isn't that I'm willing to get out of the house for you.
In fact, it would be the only reason that I would get out of the house.

Neither would I want to intentionally kill one's sleep.
I'd be happier if sleep was good and that I didn't unconsciously distrupt...
less moody and grouchy...
more smiley and bubbly...

If I could turn back the hands of time...
I'd wanna tie myself to a part of the bed that no further I'd go to restrict ample space...
I'd wanna hava nice quiet dinner with the special you...
just you and me...
without troubling thoughts of exams and stuff for once...
away from squabbling and arguements...

And just have a walk in town together hand in hand where the crowd mean nothing coz all we see would be just each other...
then time stops while you window shop while I get to see more of what are your likes and wants...
and one day once again I'd find some way to try getting it somehow...

sigh...
or besides all these... it doesn't have to mean doing anything...
just being by your side is more than enough for me...
walking your dog or hopefully painting your room with the arty idea you may have in mind... making it come true... materialising it all as one art piece.

oh well the day is ending...what's the worth of saying such things now?...
but only to my blog... my little diary of events and feelings...

as night begins to fall upon the land... with my body totally cooled down...
the pain and aches of th long run I had starts to set in...
having problems standing up from a sitting position as the knee feels like it's about to detach from my thighs...
and my neck so stiff to unfeeling that my head could fall off anytime without me even knowing...
finally the sole of my feet... suffering from the wears from rough usage...

but all in good time,
it will go away
or distracted
I should say...
coz when the migraine comes...
nothing else aches matters...

probably head down to the physician tomorrow for some chinese traditional cure...
hope it cures
pray it doesn't taste or smell funky...

I hope I won't head back my exhausion...
coz having not recovered fully from the last one...
I'm feeling the next wave....
argh...what a bother!....