Fever!

Wow yesterday was some nice relaxing day... just out with my girl...
unfortunately her 'Auntie' came and made her kinda upset alittle...but overall it was still good.
Esp going to the Dog farm and all at the farm way2 in the east.
Huskies were so cute!
One day...just one day I'll own one myself. And it'll be a very majestic one....

Anyway...today was darn tiring... having to clear lotsa stuff.
From trying to fight against my duty travel to a screwed up place...to redoing some investigation tabulation which took me 2 weeks to do and now I've got to rush for it... and my annual scholarship report. Worst... I reached a high time of the day when my body heat just increased rapidly and voila...a 40 degrees fever... all at work...
So killing me...

Sigh...going to catch the doc soon...

Pity my darling's day wasn't good too....serving so many indian nationales all the way at the airport terminal 1's DFS... somehow I can feel for her coz I used to work as a waiter and dealing with these people...is really a pain...
And I guess for her....her manager there wasn't too friendly or probably a manager who can't manage her staff well and a character that has gone through much analization. Which makes her now just crap.

I hope she is feeling better now....after work...
just needs some good rest, a dash of bitching and complaining ...and it'll all be better tomorrow..

but somehow I've got a sense that's telling me that something is not pretty right...
maybe I'm just thinking too much...in the bad weather...the heat...
brains either getting over sensitive of just degrading into craziness...

For me, I guess I'm down...
the fever suddenly got me weak and did have some fainting spells along the way out of the darn crowded and conjested work place.

I expected it coming somehow... drank so much water but yet couldn't prevent it...
my heatiness....now I'm just feeling cold....in fact I'm actually shivering even with the still air...
argh...this sucks.

Help me!!!!

down low....rock bottom

What is it?...
I'm at the brim...
rocking by the edge of the fence...
How long can I stay
How long will I sway...
No longer knowing where all these leads to;
I tried so hard and got this far,
but now I still see everything's like char
crap it is..
rubbish it is...
this academic life is simply my waste...
Now my tongue has lost taste..
taste to everything and anything...
Just no mood to take the next step;
What's the next step anyway?...
I no longer know...
I NEED SOME ANSWERS!!!
Where art thou?
Are you up there watching over me?
Are you goin' to tell me you've got other plans for me?
c'mon...leading the life of the unwanted
or simply a wonderer?
Lonesome, empty, cold and dark?
Tell me...just tell me...
Show me a sign!!!

I've been already hit twice on the same spot
what could be worst?...
Bring it on!
I've got nothing to lose...
suppress me if you must and just let me grow again...stronger....
tougher...
but a terror inside...
and on fire!


NTU...what the hell is this place?...
pissed crap lecturers...
trying to make a difference when they don't look into the mirror
to find themselves unable to guide...
unable to teach...
They should jolly well go for NIE and fail there first before thinking of joining the academic line.
NTU a school?....university?
I guess not...more of an industry of robotic cultivation...
where they install and enhance the memory of those who already has good memory to begin with.
Where they just 'help' up those who need no help...
and burn the cash of those who sincerely needs aid...
money suckers!
Every damn thing about them is about payment...
about money...
it's all full of shit less the passion...
Passion was never a word for them...
Just wasted...

A shine of brilliance

~A new day, a new sunrise
my heart is filled with the colors of spring.
The darkness that has filled my soul
has been replaced by the vibrancy of your smile
and the tender warmth of your touch.
I feel your heart reach for mine,
and I know, at last, joy and warmth are ours.~

Worth it...all good

3rd of June...memory!
Sweet!
Met a good friend...a mind studying person...ie psychologist....
happened to come to singapore for a short visit...met up for coffee...
Pointed me to some good directions....things to look at.

Went for a ridiculous rock climb that my fingers crushed the life of a huge gecko...doing the very same think I was ~scaling the rock walls~... but the whole event made me focus very much on self... things going around me and reflections...

I guess today was an enriching day....a day of some revelations...

Which all brought me to my senses...and I realised I've been kinda blind...deaf..dumb..stupid....
u name it...
things that were made so obvious....put right in front of me yet I didn't get it...

I decided I had to see her after her work at the airport....
surprise her there and then....just by being there...picking her up from work at night..and spending the rest of the night with her... evaluating us...making things possible again.
I'm glad I didn't just drop her off at her gates and went off in the taxi....glad I dropped off too and joined her back home.

And I never thought that re-presenting a gift was somewhat that brought meaning into the whole thing and made things brighter....(oh yah it's some glitter good stuff and does give good luck....crystals! am I starting to believe? hahaa)
As if light suddenly shone through every darkness I've been covered in for 2 whole weeks!!!

So happy I can't sleep...but at least now...sleep is just the matter of me switching off work from my head...heart problems...done settled and will keep it up in good direction....

Everything's gona be alright!
so now....rockabye! rockabye!!

hahaaa....cheers!

For you

My love must be a kind of blind love
I can't see anyone but you
And dear, I wonder if you find love
An optical illusion, too?

Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear
The moon may be high
But I can't see a thing in the sky
'Cause I only have eyes for you.

I don't know if we're in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
And I only have eyes for you

Thinkin'...

Wonderin'...wonderin.. wondering how she is at work...has she sold enough to make her commission and time there worth? wondering if there were anyone there to spoil her day besides me doing it unknowingly?

I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?

State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...

Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...

Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit

But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...

Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...

Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....

2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...

Reviving

Heating up a new blog... something I once did start quick long ago...
I guess now I just need to pen some things down and let this keep track of it.
Having it all on paper is just a waste and keeping some things in it can be such a pain.

The start of a new month, June '06... I hope things around just get better.
Coz' May was a painful one...had a painful ending but yet I still wanna go through it
and with no regrets... why?
I'm crazy? I'm mad or something? Really don't know these days, just gotta let things flow in and gotta stop looking out so much.

Sometimes I'm thinking, why does everyone who comes into my life and somehow leaves in some funny manner or sometimes the time wasn't right thus having to stand down our purpose?
And everyone of them has got some faults I've been prepared to accept but some I've to let go no choice before things get rotten in me... but after chatting with my Godsis, I realised that maybe I'm the shit. The fat of the land that made things go down the drain. going through 10 cycles, long or short...fast or slow...the end of it seemingly boils down to one factor.... me.

The start's always a bliss... so wonderful, so nice...and then it just goes down.
I've got to find the reason to this...
it's killing me everytime things like that happen
Maybe I'm still confused on how girls really are... or that I need to just forget about the whole matter and screw the thought about having relationships and just live with myself...
But that's crazy. Too used to having a girl to care for and think about... to pamper when I've got the resources.
Sigh... My past is just pure history...remember some coz feelings for them were strong I'd do anything to be with them 'til I get exhausted...the rest, who just came and left like the wind... nothing much to remember about and probably already forgotten.
And my present..? well, I'm now left with none 'coz just lost one... one that I'd do anything for to be with too. She did give me a new whole chapter and a different perspective in looking and things. It was something really different. It was nice...wonderful when everything went well until I was slapped to consciousness at the end of it. Just needed time to get used to some reactions, some expressions and some gesture jargons that in time I could understand.
Anywayz that's if I've got the chance....one more chance that I'm hoping for. sigh...oh well, wait for her lor... now I can't do anything also. afraid my lack of sleep makes me do things I might not even full know about and start to regret once it got slipped out. That I can't believe I actually did such things to her. I was utterly sorry. But coz of that she is hating me...and she said 'so much' with 'forever'...Strong words with even greater emphasis. haiz...oh well....

So as for now...think I should just do some searching...search within me. to see WTF is wrong with me that makes me go through life like that. Also to give myself a push to getting some things settled...my feature career is at stake damn it!