My acridgashes

~Moments you put me through..
with me loving you like a fool
I would give it I really mean it
time and effort are just my tools..
I'd go crazy to know that you
ain't feeling all that much too well
I'd be your shell oh baby can't you tell
I need you to love me
And I love you more...~

Oh crap a day it's been... exhausion... the maddening rage building inside of me...
confined in the flying tube with wings I can't do yet a thing...
It's just burning inside... burning burning...the combustion just churning...
A wait for an explosion to come...never know when it's gona hit...
I need a coolant...to bring down the fire... and all cutting like barbwire..

Am I going to warp back into the hard...tough.. stone cold masking?...
She was my strength my light...
like the power of the red sun
but yet still my kryptonite...

I have to fight this...I can't let this be
can't let this become of me...
What's it with her and being grouchy these days?... some kinda habit during the holidays?...
Too free isn't good...To busy isn't good either... how is it then to strike a balance in her?...
Only she can deal with it...
Wherever I stood...no matter where I maybe...I'd be there...contactable to her...
when she needs someone to complain things about...
to bitch about... anything at all...but why is it that from that...she turned to being grouchy...
and stay grouchy and treat it like everyone is pissing her off including me when there was nothing I could do...and nothing I did...
all I did was to be there...
If you don't want me to be there for you girl...
tell me so...
I'd just disappear...
to stay friends? what friends?....you treat your friends this way?...
i don't know either...
anyway it's all about you...just you...
your choice...
Though it's like my heart's acridgashes...
aching with all emo slashes...
If it means you feeling better...then so be it...

~All I'd give...
would be roses with petals falling to the ground to smoothen your way...
your well liked Mentos to freshen your day...
and like foot thongs to keep you protected and you dance through
your journey day by day...~

Thinking...of you...

Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This and That.
My Life that day.
That dream was mine.
You gave me light
like I was being struck my lightning
awaken I was.
Burning so hot, so intensely
exploding every emotions in me...
like a star the dark pitch black sky
You were a star in my eyes
Yet like stars...your intensity's gone...
Loosening the pull of you to me...
Dry it became thus came friction.
Leaving me dazed, confused...
and without true reality
There lonesome I sat...
wondering....
just wondering....
and reaching out into the emptiness...
for the star that once lit my way in life....
will there be a birth of new light in this darkness?...
I sit alone...just waiting....

Home coming...

Exhausion brought me into some trance...
head was swaying and suddenly I saw everything like a whirlpool....
The very next moment was darkness....
didn't know I just knocked out for a straight 3hrs! hahaa...but woke up to a bad dream...

Something about me and dreams somehow...
a spark in that other world
and the twitch of my eyelids...
getting me to fear what could be coming...directly or indirectly to me...
lucky thing this time there wasn't anything wrong with my eyelids...phew!

hahaa...

Anyway...it's about time...in a couple of hours...I'd be home bound...back to the place I'd call home... within closer radius of people I care for and the person I wanna care for and be as near as possible to.
closer the range the better...

Sigh...I miss her so...
she told me she lack rest today...her grouchiness..and the nagging of her mum...
wish I could just take it all away and have those upon me while she keeps her smiles and joy.
finaly to the end of her day...when she can take a break and finally rest...Alas! noisy people shakes her mind giving her no rest...and she's feverish...
catching a cold I guess....
probably from sunday's rain...
wanna take care of her... watch over her....as she sleeps...taking away all the distractions and disturbance and let her rest like a baby...

"Oh lord...may the discomfort and sleepless nights
befall me instead of those I care for...
For I'd better deal with it as I've already been in it all along...
One man takes on the rest...while
they keep the best..."

"Their smiles are already a comfort to my heart..."

Oh yes...today I got a call from some modelling agency...asking me to join them...
damn it they must be blind folks....
me?...whata hell right?... =/
go there and paiseh...

To toulouse

Reaching the place of destination for work....
that's where work begins through and through..
where is the stop?
Well I don't know got no idea...
I'm not the boss
that put me here!

Ok now I'm kinda getting alittle exhausted. need to re-energize myself. Freezing cold everywhere these days...maybe even the once hot desert might be freezing up...hahaa
My lovely girl has got dance today and I hope no hurt or injuries befalls her... always want her safe.

Somehow I do see myself in her...like she to dance and me in the past to water sports...
Pain, tired, rushy...whatever it is...still must go. Coz' whatever the case is...it somehow eases the mind for those moments.
Well I used to take windsurfing as a form of dance art on the water...making the smooth stunts...flips 3m above water level...or some 360 turns and stuff like that...
like a dances on a water stage when u view across the vast sea horizon...
you'd feel like you're taking flight any moment and you're just free...free to the speed that only you know you can reach.
Well liking the adrenaline and things like that was really secondary...what was most important was you weren't thinking about anything else...just on what you're doing that very moment.
That's when I found myself...
that's when I see myself in struggles...
in pain...excitment... rage... holding some fighting spirit...
the determination to get to where I wanna be. and not just getting there is how I get there.
It's gotta be good. wanted to be the best...best in my league.
And was I, well only the people who saw can tell...
trophies...medals...they mean nothing... it's how the people I brought together...saw me...that was important. Coz' they are probably the one who will live long the dreams I had when the injuries on me just start to take over... Doing what I used to do?....I can never reach where I was again. Good to pass it on.

The way I see her dance... may not be the pros...but it's somewhat better coz it's with expression... with feeling... like a very part of her. Though panting in exhaustion, she moves in those beautiful steps to make the whole art piece wonderful...
Art...is acquired... it doesn't matter how people see it to be...it's what you see it to be that make you different from the rest...
And she is different. Could see her tired in a dance but filled with life...

hahaa...well...swaying from what happens to me today to talking about her once again....

Can't help it...what's there to say about me work?...just work..get done.
I guess I miss her so much, she doesn't know...
it doesn't matter... So long I know she is well and happy... having her smile is more important.

right Kenneth?...
right... =)

It's been trying...

In a long period when I could just sit and do some thinking of my own...
Where everything else stops revolving only the matters of heart and my mind...
I found that there are things that I've been prepared to giving everything for
but doesn't work out...yet there are things I've got absolutely no idea about just pops
into the stillness of my life and stirs things up.
My life has been just a dream... some dream where I wish I'd just wanna wake up from
and want to make things right.
Third day... away from love...

I've yearned to kiss her on her cool lips
hugging her with full emotions
filling my heart with warmth and gladness...
I yearn back those moments when I could just sit in daze looking at her...
sniffing around the sweet aroma by her neck and whispering love to her ears...
I miss those things...

L'amour est douleur...
Love is pain...
yet I'd want to go through it...
the tears I shed...
the aches I experienced
from every heart beat I felt....

I guess I should be lucky enough
that she has once loved me and
even had the thoughts of marry
but that was just a vision...

Some vision...

Enough to bring me up high...
but of course to fall with greater impact.

Those were the very moments I cherished and I wish come back...
As I imagine it all before me,
trust me unknowingly I actually did reach out in front of me
thinking that it was her I could feel...
But nothing...it was the cold air...
pure emptiness...

Oh well...
I guess she is getting on fine without me...seemingly happy...I hope she is
with the fact that I'm in pain...to make my pain worth...I hope she is happy...

sigh...

what's bliss? can anyone just tell me?
Felt I forgotting that already...it just vanished into the cracking heart of mine...
I just need to explode..!

getting on a day...

It's been a day....
a day without the drive i used to have
a day when I don't keep track of time to get off work...
coz it just became unimportant altogether...
what else was it for me to look forward into?
the truth is...nothing...
wonder how she is...
just do...
sigh...
picking up was easy...but seemingly though I hope I'm wrong....
letting go was also easy for her...
seemed so easy...

my aches...my heart aches so much..
with every ticking seconds of the today....

it was more than her moodiness.. I'm just being shattered once again

Tell my faults now
I want to know
Though I've changed
And why you'd go
I need to see your face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who breaks my love and brings me tears
Whose love for I'd undyingly fight
Now I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you said to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I let you go
I let you fly
I'm not going to be asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

illness combo and a dash of mood swings

Argh the illness....
puking...giddiness...fever....all a combo...just nothing with the runny nose yet...gona be a big combo.
Sigh...hate it feeling the weakness... rather go to work and after that being able to pop by to see my girl at her work place. or at times surprise her after her work...
I did think of doing so today at night.. 'til I started the vomitting...
damn it...
Can you imagine me shivering?...damn I've always been a heated up person and can take winter climate without a problem....but these 2 days...I've been shivering through even if there wasn't any wind and being covered with the blanket...
This is insane!

Feeling my dear girl's moodiness...wonder is there any reason to it...
Did I say or do something wrong? or was it because I didn't do anything at all?...
well maybe it's the time of the month...that really spoils the moods of girls...
I hope to find a way to cheer her up...
thinking hard on it...
but this feeling of physical weakness i getting in the way...
gotta recover fast first...then tmr at least there is a talk of see how things goes...

gotta rest...

Fever!

Wow yesterday was some nice relaxing day... just out with my girl...
unfortunately her 'Auntie' came and made her kinda upset alittle...but overall it was still good.
Esp going to the Dog farm and all at the farm way2 in the east.
Huskies were so cute!
One day...just one day I'll own one myself. And it'll be a very majestic one....

Anyway...today was darn tiring... having to clear lotsa stuff.
From trying to fight against my duty travel to a screwed up place...to redoing some investigation tabulation which took me 2 weeks to do and now I've got to rush for it... and my annual scholarship report. Worst... I reached a high time of the day when my body heat just increased rapidly and voila...a 40 degrees fever... all at work...
So killing me...

Sigh...going to catch the doc soon...

Pity my darling's day wasn't good too....serving so many indian nationales all the way at the airport terminal 1's DFS... somehow I can feel for her coz I used to work as a waiter and dealing with these people...is really a pain...
And I guess for her....her manager there wasn't too friendly or probably a manager who can't manage her staff well and a character that has gone through much analization. Which makes her now just crap.

I hope she is feeling better now....after work...
just needs some good rest, a dash of bitching and complaining ...and it'll all be better tomorrow..

but somehow I've got a sense that's telling me that something is not pretty right...
maybe I'm just thinking too much...in the bad weather...the heat...
brains either getting over sensitive of just degrading into craziness...

For me, I guess I'm down...
the fever suddenly got me weak and did have some fainting spells along the way out of the darn crowded and conjested work place.

I expected it coming somehow... drank so much water but yet couldn't prevent it...
my heatiness....now I'm just feeling cold....in fact I'm actually shivering even with the still air...
argh...this sucks.

Help me!!!!

down low....rock bottom

What is it?...
I'm at the brim...
rocking by the edge of the fence...
How long can I stay
How long will I sway...
No longer knowing where all these leads to;
I tried so hard and got this far,
but now I still see everything's like char
crap it is..
rubbish it is...
this academic life is simply my waste...
Now my tongue has lost taste..
taste to everything and anything...
Just no mood to take the next step;
What's the next step anyway?...
I no longer know...
I NEED SOME ANSWERS!!!
Where art thou?
Are you up there watching over me?
Are you goin' to tell me you've got other plans for me?
c'mon...leading the life of the unwanted
or simply a wonderer?
Lonesome, empty, cold and dark?
Tell me...just tell me...
Show me a sign!!!

I've been already hit twice on the same spot
what could be worst?...
Bring it on!
I've got nothing to lose...
suppress me if you must and just let me grow again...stronger....
tougher...
but a terror inside...
and on fire!


NTU...what the hell is this place?...
pissed crap lecturers...
trying to make a difference when they don't look into the mirror
to find themselves unable to guide...
unable to teach...
They should jolly well go for NIE and fail there first before thinking of joining the academic line.
NTU a school?....university?
I guess not...more of an industry of robotic cultivation...
where they install and enhance the memory of those who already has good memory to begin with.
Where they just 'help' up those who need no help...
and burn the cash of those who sincerely needs aid...
money suckers!
Every damn thing about them is about payment...
about money...
it's all full of shit less the passion...
Passion was never a word for them...
Just wasted...

A shine of brilliance

~A new day, a new sunrise
my heart is filled with the colors of spring.
The darkness that has filled my soul
has been replaced by the vibrancy of your smile
and the tender warmth of your touch.
I feel your heart reach for mine,
and I know, at last, joy and warmth are ours.~

Worth it...all good

3rd of June...memory!
Sweet!
Met a good friend...a mind studying person...ie psychologist....
happened to come to singapore for a short visit...met up for coffee...
Pointed me to some good directions....things to look at.

Went for a ridiculous rock climb that my fingers crushed the life of a huge gecko...doing the very same think I was ~scaling the rock walls~... but the whole event made me focus very much on self... things going around me and reflections...

I guess today was an enriching day....a day of some revelations...

Which all brought me to my senses...and I realised I've been kinda blind...deaf..dumb..stupid....
u name it...
things that were made so obvious....put right in front of me yet I didn't get it...

I decided I had to see her after her work at the airport....
surprise her there and then....just by being there...picking her up from work at night..and spending the rest of the night with her... evaluating us...making things possible again.
I'm glad I didn't just drop her off at her gates and went off in the taxi....glad I dropped off too and joined her back home.

And I never thought that re-presenting a gift was somewhat that brought meaning into the whole thing and made things brighter....(oh yah it's some glitter good stuff and does give good luck....crystals! am I starting to believe? hahaa)
As if light suddenly shone through every darkness I've been covered in for 2 whole weeks!!!

So happy I can't sleep...but at least now...sleep is just the matter of me switching off work from my head...heart problems...done settled and will keep it up in good direction....

Everything's gona be alright!
so now....rockabye! rockabye!!

hahaaa....cheers!

For you

My love must be a kind of blind love
I can't see anyone but you
And dear, I wonder if you find love
An optical illusion, too?

Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear
The moon may be high
But I can't see a thing in the sky
'Cause I only have eyes for you.

I don't know if we're in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
And I only have eyes for you

Thinkin'...

Wonderin'...wonderin.. wondering how she is at work...has she sold enough to make her commission and time there worth? wondering if there were anyone there to spoil her day besides me doing it unknowingly?

I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?

State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...

Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...

Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit

But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...

Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...

Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....

2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...

Reviving

Heating up a new blog... something I once did start quick long ago...
I guess now I just need to pen some things down and let this keep track of it.
Having it all on paper is just a waste and keeping some things in it can be such a pain.

The start of a new month, June '06... I hope things around just get better.
Coz' May was a painful one...had a painful ending but yet I still wanna go through it
and with no regrets... why?
I'm crazy? I'm mad or something? Really don't know these days, just gotta let things flow in and gotta stop looking out so much.

Sometimes I'm thinking, why does everyone who comes into my life and somehow leaves in some funny manner or sometimes the time wasn't right thus having to stand down our purpose?
And everyone of them has got some faults I've been prepared to accept but some I've to let go no choice before things get rotten in me... but after chatting with my Godsis, I realised that maybe I'm the shit. The fat of the land that made things go down the drain. going through 10 cycles, long or short...fast or slow...the end of it seemingly boils down to one factor.... me.

The start's always a bliss... so wonderful, so nice...and then it just goes down.
I've got to find the reason to this...
it's killing me everytime things like that happen
Maybe I'm still confused on how girls really are... or that I need to just forget about the whole matter and screw the thought about having relationships and just live with myself...
But that's crazy. Too used to having a girl to care for and think about... to pamper when I've got the resources.
Sigh... My past is just pure history...remember some coz feelings for them were strong I'd do anything to be with them 'til I get exhausted...the rest, who just came and left like the wind... nothing much to remember about and probably already forgotten.
And my present..? well, I'm now left with none 'coz just lost one... one that I'd do anything for to be with too. She did give me a new whole chapter and a different perspective in looking and things. It was something really different. It was nice...wonderful when everything went well until I was slapped to consciousness at the end of it. Just needed time to get used to some reactions, some expressions and some gesture jargons that in time I could understand.
Anywayz that's if I've got the chance....one more chance that I'm hoping for. sigh...oh well, wait for her lor... now I can't do anything also. afraid my lack of sleep makes me do things I might not even full know about and start to regret once it got slipped out. That I can't believe I actually did such things to her. I was utterly sorry. But coz of that she is hating me...and she said 'so much' with 'forever'...Strong words with even greater emphasis. haiz...oh well....

So as for now...think I should just do some searching...search within me. to see WTF is wrong with me that makes me go through life like that. Also to give myself a push to getting some things settled...my feature career is at stake damn it!