element of gloom

Yesterday...yesterday was good....but yet had an element of gloom....
Met up Sharon after ages of saying we will meet up to catch up but it's always me not having the time... Think I'm quite jialat... haha.. She changed quite abit in dressing, due to work she has to I guess, but somehow felt her style and the patterns she didn't really change much actually.
Great to catch up some times...!

Gloom, Min's granddad just passed away in the afternoon at about 4.30pm... told me she cried...
cried hard and yet her relatives due to buddist beliefs didn't allow her to cry. Alamak...how to control this kinda thing?... madness...
I felt bad not being able to be there to comfort her in person. Had already left back for the airport. Should've stayed around the hospital alittle longer. sigh...

Reminds me of the time when I had to watch over my late grandpa as he lay on the hospital bed....fighting to live...just to wait for the return of my Auntie and Uncle from Australia and NEw Zealand. But they didn't make it in time. When the priest blessed him and told him that everything will be fine...And to rest in peace that everyone there will be fine and well.
And that his Sons and daughter would understand...
With that...he breathed his last...
I broke down...
was very painful to have him leave us, yet happy that his suffering ended...
And I guess it should've been the same for Min's grandpa too....

The night after my grandpa passed away... I experienced something unusual...
and the funny thing was that all his Sons felt it too.....

~ I close my eyes and there in the shadows
I see a bright striking light,
your light
You come to me out of my dreams
Across the night...

From this day on
I'm still certain I'll never be alone
I know what my heart
have always known
that my grandpa's love has a power that's all it's own
For us all there's no time and no space
No barrier that the family's love won't erase
In our hearts you will be
And for always, forever
you're raised up high
And for always
we will go on beyond goodbye.~

Per Te Canto alla vita

"I sing to life for you"...

Life's good...just fine...
good time working out...
coldplay was cool and good though I was so darn tired while at the concert after all the work I've been through...

Attachment is gona end soon! can't wait... was considering going to phuket, thailand for a couple of days to take a break...hmmmm.....should I?...hahaaa.... but it's quite abit of cash needed there..esp when it's one of the most expensive place to go to in thailand...
surprisingly Bangkok isn't as expensive...

But whether I go or not, doesn't matter....most importantly is that I get time to do my stuff!....
just relax...chill by the beach...tanning...work out...free my mind before the semester starts...
Most of all...make the Insomnia go away!...need to be human again!...damn it...hahahaa
feels really inhuman not sleeping and stuff like that... it's crazy...

..........

Sleepless nights
spent struggling
In and out the meander of my mind
in endless explorations;
Endless considerations
all so spreaded
as the million twinkles in the sky;
The thirst for knowledge
or unending queries
has kneeled at my need of sensations;
And life's bittersweet memories
like dark chocolate
Erase all powerful thoughts
leaving my soul
trying in exhausion;
Darkness leaves
with the first strike of the sun
and warmth fills my skin;
I remember then
that I needed to sleep,
but it's a beginning of a new day;
12 hours of the sunny ray
how I'm gona spend it I don't know
tonite rest and sleep,
I'll see how it goes....

Irritated!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~DAmn...
I think some people are just born to irritate...
I've gotta fumigate
Get out!
Move out!
Ship out!
I don't need you here..
Trying to ask me a question
yet wanna just act smart
you know you seem like a freakin' retard...
I can't stand you
Blood damn fool!
Wassup with you Botak!
You just wanna get farked?
Are you crazy?
Don't waste my time here...
So just get hell out of here...
Argh! ~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn the darn other SIA scholar... what's in the world with him?
Trying to claim some credit after having no idea how to get around doing some stuff and getting it done with my help?... Or maybe don't know crap about what's going on but yet want to show he knows something thus ask stupid questions?....
Having been through a rough and busy day and the last darn thing that I'd like to have was him to walking up to my face asking pointless questions....of no relation to whatever urgent problem we were dealing with. "Oh just for general interest" he says....
how about asking my ass such kinda question when I'm deep in thought to rectify serious problems....answer you with a fart damn shit!...
You are freakin' going 24 right now...stop acting like a retard and work!...

Freaky tuesday

Freaky!!! Freaky tuesday morning!
took the morning train towards cityhall today...on the way to work...
first of all, leaving my house 5mins earlier than the norm got me to work at 7.45am instead of the normal 8.15am....
second.....
coming out from the north-south train and into the open doored east-west train, as I took my first step into the train I had 4 of my friends names just striking in my mind like a sudden lightning bolt striking a lone tree...
But that wasn't the main thing.... the best part was....immediately when I turned my head to the left side of the cabin, looking at the cabin connector area, I saw friend number 1 (shall not mention any names here....)....said hello and stuff like that and since my journey was going to be a long one, I found a seat and sat straight in it. Just thento my right was my friend number 2 and on the opposite left was friend number 3. And I never knew that they actually worked at the places the train was heading to. I was already shocked enough but still sceptical....
I messaged my friend number 4....whom I was kinda going to meet back in office...to see if he was in the same train to confirm my gut feeling...but he didn't reply me. Probably reading newspaper or sleeping in the train....
When I got to office, I saw him and he exclaimed.. "Aye Kenneth, how come I didn't see you?....I was in the same train lah...where were you standing in the first place?"
Just then....I knew, what I felt....wasn't just something of the norm....
Somehow... I knew 4 of my friends were in the same train as I....
Freaky.....still thinking about it til now.....hahaa...

all in a day's work!

Phew a hectic day just passed!
fortunately!
Tired...
Went around the office to guide in some concepts regarding Microsoft excel and access usability and how to make certain analysis fast and easy even if it mean dealing with few 10s of thousand data... Coz somehow I managed it about few weeks back, thus shocking myself and people around.
Hahahaaa...actually it's nothing great just some way of looking at the application in a different perspective and making it work better for you. Moreover, in the office I'm a lazy guy....and being lazy, brings about creativity and thus the automation of many routinal processes.

And so the day went by dealing with all those stuff and writing my so so long attachment report which until now I don't think I can finish it fast enough.
Also not forgetting FOC!....Wah that was the feat!
But at least everything is seeing light...
the best thing for the day was to find out that all my efforts for fighting and reasoning with NTU for the sake of my FOC members to stay in the hall wasn't in vain...for now all those hitting the overal gross points in my committee can stay! and for those 5 whom I fought in the appeal... all of them were successful in the weeks of negotiation. Real tiring...but oh well, the good returns for me in this is the good feeling of helping and on the other hand I get their loyalty in FOC assistance. Hard work pays off afterall!

what is love?...anyone have an answer for that?... I don't, but I'd try...

Another day of salsa!
nice!...beginning to enjoy it though there were screw ups while in class...
like don't know how to do the steps...or can't remember the steps..
stuff like that... hahaaa...
damn...I didn't know I had a cultural side of me...hahaa...oh well.

Today there was this one friend of mine.... called me for a meet up...
had some problems with relationships...but damn, it's not like I'm anyone good to give great advice
coz I've been failing in that sector too, but i guess he wanted someone to listen and talk to about it... and so I was there. His first relationship...fallen...
Asked me what love was...
and while talking about that, I said some stuff that just came out from the back of my mind. I probably never had it on spotlight and kept reminding myself...
I said..." My friend... Love is passion and obsession. An understanding between two... and the sharing of each other's lives. Sometimes I'd find that I myself am confused if I do like the person to start with... and then I found, I always wanted to keep the person close to me, keep the communication going, reach out to the person regardless of any returns, care for her. Sharing any form of pain she's in... and I didn't realise it 'til the person leaves for awhile...just awhile, and then I saw myself missing her. That those moments got me thinking... and the probable answer did put a smile on my face. And if in anyway, I could see the two of us being together....that's when I know I've fallen in love....that's what love is. Though it gives pain, heart breaks... so much that you'd probably just want to let go of everything when it all feels unbearable and you tell yourself you don't want to go through all these again. But love to me, is such that if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Even at the start, before you even take the first step into the relationship, you'd probably be worrying about rejection. Think again... you'll be sorry if you didn't give yourself a fair chance by not asking. People are way different in love relationships compared to being just friends... So don't give up on love, it doesn't give up on you, it never does... the pain you suffer will be worth it. At least you gave yourself a chance if all things failed, but you will always learn to be stronger and better in the next."

Shit...Those words....from me?... hahaa or was it from some higher being speaking through me?
I was astonished by the belief of mine being put forward... to a friend who felt like giving up.
But truely, what I said...applied to me... looking into the past, it was all exactly how I thought things to be...just didn't realise it as it all just went on flowing into my life....

oh well....Maybe all the free time I've been having...just gotten me to find myself... understand myself more...and realise more things about myself....
hahaa...

total body mantainence day!

Starting off early in the morning.... meeting my two buds...Paul and Richmond for workouts...
track running, gym and swim... hahaa...seems like a total body mantainence day!
Had to get those 2 going into some exercise soon anyway...before i get way beyond the unhealthy limits...hahaha..
anyway...its all great!... It's been long since we did such kinda stuff like that together..
We thought that it'll be good to do this every weekend!
Get healthy!

Later, it's salsa time again too!...hahaha...



~Right after touch down...
The first thing that came to mind
was to chuck all my stuff behind
leaving then in the office
And finding you...
To see you off...

Felt excited for you
Felt happy for you
and though you said
glitches sprang up at the last minute
but yet I could feel
deep in you that's so real...
That you were happy that the day has come...
for you to relax and have fun.

It was great to see you after long...
'til you come back...
Max brenner here we come!...~

Don't.......

Sometimes we find comfort in being there for others....
For the special ones...
this I write...is to those who are in pain....
in pain that I can empathize...and thus wanna help get over with....
as I've gone past that stage of being in a ditch...

~Don't cry dear
your heart is in good hands.
As you leave your troubles,
to travel to a distant land.
Don't worry dear,
'coz your tears will soon disappear.
Kill the pain you will,
and stand tall without fear.
So keep standing dear,
'coz I won't let you fall,
believe it I'd be there in person or at all ears
with just one call.
I won't let you down,
with my care and all the faith,
you'd probably forget how to frown.
So smile, smile your sweetest smile dear,
release your beauty from within.
Destroying troubled past,
and let the future begin.
Be sad no more dear one,
'coz with this you see...
you know you can always...
simple count on me. ~

For the one who was there when i had fallen...

~I shed a tear that day
feeling it slowly flowed down and away
silently it fell down my cheeks...
by the strike of chance
you were there
you caught it
you shared it
and wiped it away...
Then suddenly
the yoke wasn't so bad afterall
Thus the greatest gift
through these times
was someone,
a wonderful you
a warming friend
with an ear to lend
a hand to hold...
oh you, the greatest gift,
a heart of gold.~

what threw out may come back

oh man...I can't believe myself!
much earlier I got a pair of tix for the coldplay live concert to surprise Min...
At our break, in devastation and mental craze I threw them into the sea...
All gone right?...
well... not so...
Just had a call from a friend's friend 2yrs older than I, whom I met once before...
said she needed help...
needed me to be her date at her corporate party kinda thing... and in return... she got tix to coldplay concert she'd like to give me...so I'd go with out common group of friends instead of her...
Alamak!! wassup wassup wassup!
this is crazy...but sounds like good to me.
do the party thing get done with it and coldplay tix is mine again...boomerang back to me!
hahaa...but just one tix only lah....hahaa =)

Whoah!!!!

9:26 !!!

Today... I went to the National stadium...
Remembering the last time I walked along those roads....
it was kallang theatre that I came from...
had company... and was feeling great then...
while now it's just a lonely road... the one I have ever known...
Anyway, went there to run today... that's the main motive...
Felt I could beat my own timing and making improvements in my stamina...
did a 2.4km run the last time and recorded 9:45...
And now this time...I managed a new 9:26!!!
cool huh... after which I went to join in my friends free sparring session....even better....
it's like letting off steam from a day of work.
Phew..!! felt good.
Doing all these... whatever that stuck in the mind was just forgotten and the only focus was on what I wanted to do then....at that very moment...either to run or just on the opponent...
Adrenalin rush!
Felt like everything else didn't matter...
Felt like the only pain I felt was physical...
Everything made bearable...
it was good...
it felt good....
much better...

Just another few blocks of words... for the needy

~We both saw the world in black and white...
no colour, no light...
All the pain and hurt inside
getting over, together we might...
You find twisted logic in your life,
for you, solutions I'd find...

I know the hardest, oh yes the hardest part
was letting go, not taking part
I went through all these...
my heart, pain to feast.
Now I see you so broken down...
I'll be there to lift your frowns...

Let's not look back
Let's get back on track...
I'll hold your hand and pull you on
No matter how hard it is to get going on...
Life is too short to give up all
'coz of a fallen tree
In difficulty, in pain and in need,
Remember, look behind and there is me.~

blood boiling office day!

Damn...today some people were constantly trying to boiling my blood!
argh.... idiots!
This other person on attachment was getting on my nerves! damn shit!
Having know nuts about programming and file type conversion, bloody acting as if he knew what was going on...thus screwing up my computer programme and still dare ask me to relax 'coz he got the solution to his screw up.
Ass!....Can't believe it!
Don't know say don't know....don't touch and screw up my work! ARgh!!!!!
When I was done witht he conversion...pretending that someone else wants to know how I did it wouldn't help you find the answers boy!
And so I said..."If the technician seeks to find out how I did it... ask him to come find me personally and I put him on a crash course! enough said..."

Optimizing...If I must....going through some thoughts...

Taking some time off the night to think...
Think about the weekend that has just passed...
I guess no matter what had happened.
Pain?... hurt?... regret?...Failure?...
Whatever...
This weekend angled me to look differently.
All these bad stuff that brought me falling....
being in troubled waters and totally gotten me whacked,
however didn't exactly pushed me down straight to the ditch.
A new positive perspective...
In every calamity that I may face, with time and some serious thought...
I'd get only stronger... more hardy...
That should be the ME all along right?...
I've been an optimist back in the sporting days...
Can't I just apply it all in my life just like that?....as in the same mindset?
I know I can...

Dare to walk in..then I must dare to walk out easily... in confidence...
There are many things in life to deal with...why just get stuck on one issue and put everything else on a standstill? Gotta keep movin'...
relationships...sigh... she meant alot to me... I wanted to give her the best I could in time to come, but if in reality I don't mean shit to her, why force it in the first place?...
Just flow it through.... if it comes to and I am accepting, good... if it goes and never comes back so be it... let it be.
My love for her maybe there... but I'm getting numb... I don't know when the time limit is though...but,..hmmm...
in time if nothing saves it... it's just hit the spot of me just not wanting to cross the line anymore... too painful?...well maybe. See her feeling that it's so suffering being with me?.... well maybe... Whatever!
Just when that time comes... The feeling will just slice off...
If things are to come back in again...it'll really take some work to get it going... if that's even possible.
Anyway.... how long can love be when it's a one way street?... Don't know.. we'll find out.

I guess I've tried... let's just be...I'm too tired now.
Though I miss those times very much, but what to do....
Life isn't smooth. So just screw the expectations and just get myself moving.
ever cross each other again...hmm we'll see then.

AS for now...
I'm just gona sway myself through Capoeira and the very thing she wonderously inspired me to do...Salsa! Funny how things change huh... me and dance?...argh.. odd stuff but whata heck...willing try. It's all about the "scare myself once in a while" thingy right?....hahaha
But in a softer form...less dangerous...less aggressive...all in a different point of view.

Cheers!

I wasn't alone...

Today...I went to church,
after three weeks of not going or probably going with my mind not in the mass at all....
I was shocked to listen to what was spoken by the priest...
I went to there early today initially thinking of making my confession after ages...
however, I didn't 'coz I didn't really know what much to say.
But the only thing I knew was that I doubt my religion.... I had doubts in God.
For the past few weeks or month I've been in troubled waters and felt that there was no where to turn to. Whatever the case was...i felt alone. I was just roaming around...aimlessly.
Trying to find answers for myself that I felt God or anyone up there couldn't or doesn't seem to me helping me or giving me confidence and support... my whole consciousness was in distress...

As I sat by the bench in the church...I felt I needed to confess this whole doubting thing, and just then, the priest walked up to the alter to begin the mass....
The first words he said was..."Many times in our lives we are often hit by storms. And during these times, do we keep our faith on what we were told to believe through scriptures?... Or do we doubt God and question if he is even there with us to go through the pain we are experiencing...or the storms we are being hit by?... He has been there with you trying to give peace to you at all times..."
I was shocked...as this topic was running in my head throughout my sitting there and days before I even stepped into church....

Just that very moment...tears filled my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks...
It somehow felt that someone was listening to my calling...
I wasn't really alone as I thought I was...

Well I really don't know...but I hope so...


Anyway... I do hope Min is not holding against me for my regretting shot of words.
I guess I was being hard and sharp when that came out...
On second thoughts I could feel the pain saying it, but I've said it.
Argh... I've got my faults...she has hers...who was I to compare or judge...
Like I said, I'd just want the hands of time to turn and I'll just keep quiet and not say anything... though it won't improve anything but at least it wouldn't have worsen.
Today...on msn, Min dropped me a message but ended saying that she'd better go if not she would be called ridiculous and asked to shut up... somewhat like the whole issue of yesterday's.
There was a part of me happy to know that she messaged me coz I'd wish to embrace her in everyway...but of coz, I don't think that'll happen. Guess I would only if she is forward about it....anyway...
The other part of me felt the stab...stab not from her...but from myself.
sigh...

Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my regret
In anger, in fear
Even when there was tear
I said the sharpest words
like a boomarang it hit
and turned back at me it too did...
I don't know...I guess
I've gotten myself in such a mess
Min must be hating me..
I can feel though I can't see.
Who else can I blame but myself....
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my own regret.

I just pray that in time we just learn to compromise with each other... or maybe at least learn not to collide.

It's a shame what we've become
When we hurt the ones we love...
It's a place I don't wanna go anymore...

If she'd forgive me, I'll be contented.
I just want to say... I didn't mean to hurt... I'm sorry.

Some ordinary Sunday with a new activity...

First day of salsa beginner lesson...
well to begin with it wasn't in my line of activities at all,
but I guess I must say I kinda enjoyed it.
Instructor is important...and today's instructor was good.
got myself enrolled for the whole beginner's course instead of the
initial idea of just a one day tryout...hahaa...
looks like I've got a new social activity up coming!

That's the only highlight of the day I guess...
Other than that it's just nothing much... empty.
Took a walk in town after class and got myself some cool looking cuff links
with celtic designs...
Something that I can wear with any of the cuff link shirts.
Though the price wasn't cool at all I still got it... coz I liked it... enough said.
hahahaa....
So my process of changing my wardrobe has begun....bit by bit....can't do it all the way...
too much cost included... needs some time to do all that..hehe..

Arthur's wedding! congrats!

Just came back from a good friend's wedding....Arthur Foo...
Some big decision he has made...and I guess it's been a great choice!
his wife's great! They are just a wonderful pair I must say.
The whole wedding dinner thingy was great esp the video presentation... unique I must say
judging from my experience in event coord point of view.
Wow! I guess time is racing face for some of us...and for others...we just take out time and slowly move on with life.
The next great thing about this wedding was meeting up once again with my buddies from OCS...
the very guys who went through hardship with me...in all those trainings...the memories brought back.
Everyone leading different lives...and with some in the process of a marriage plan....Yes Jacky and Sharone!...the 2 long time love birds..
Some stuck in the army going all military once again and not forgetting those who are just starting in their new career...
Wow... how time flies...
We were once young and firing guns together and sometimes at each other in practice... running around in our camo attire hoping to merge with the forested surroundings....and the next moment...we find ourselves either in part time studies fighting in the books or in our own commercial war...fighting for a place in this world...
To truely and practically hit on surviving this rat race world.
But no matter what the case is... there was one thing common in all of us...
Brotherhood bonding...
Not the gayish shit...but rather a bond where it stays strong no matter what the case is.
no matter where we are...
We keep ourselves updated with each other.
There is always warmth coming back in gatherings.
The whole group of us.

Well...after just this night... my new life begins in a new thought...new perspective...
Yet in another, a whole new family planning hits off after a wedding...
while some to carry on with their lives in norm.

Whatever it is...Cheers! Cheers to wherever time brings us and brings unto us...
Good or bad...bring it on...!

Rage takes over... anger sips in...pain thereafter...

A morning, started with some bang
a good wish message I sent
But all I saw was her fang
I was harmless...
Just me to wish her well for the day.
But it got smashed
just like stinking trash.
She doesn't feel it
she doesn't heck it...
But I feel it deep...
The effect was steep.
Was it that I did wrong?

arguements...her rage
somehow managed to switch on on today...
anger, sadness and being pissed was all I could say.
I'm sorry but it all forced raging stuff from me
putting all out that people could see
I've regretted nothing...
no regrets being with her
or having loved her...
or having cared for her...
or having done everything or anything with her.
But I regretted saying what I said today.
My mind was clear...
but my raging point was near...
my greatest fear came true.
like no mind clearing process could ease me of it all...
the pain, the anger....it all kept inside...
I could hold it not.
I regret saying all those things to her...
asking her to shut up...
and blabbering about her self righteous shit...
Just wanna turn back the hands of time...
but I know I can't...
so what's the point of thinking.
I'm exhausted....I'm tired...
Just be...
She perceives things in her strange way...
I see it simplistic...
whatever...
says I'm sending her on guilt trip which I'm not
never intended to coz
there is no need with her like frost...
made me feel so cold that
I've even questions if she'd feel anything between us in the first place
so I'm not thinking...
never was anymore...
But if she thinks she has...
keeping the feeling deep in her...
then good.
in time then we'll see...or maybe not...
Time...the healer...
but my creator of shit...
I went crazy for her...
and yet crazy with her....
Just another painful day...
I may not be the only one feeling this today...
but if there isn't expression
of any fancy fashion...
how would I know... well I need not know
not now...
All I know..my baby I've been fond...
is now walked away and gone...


Oh whatever.....

What's with today? damn it...

It's been a realy rough day...
I believe this is happening.... all the shit. Got shifted off the travel and had to pass on all my materials and explain stuff to the person taking over. Getting home freaking late and all tried out.
Damn... for what?.... To get me to forget to tell her the change of plans that got me into this ditch today?
This is crazy...
And coz of that she's just thinking that all about the trip was a bluff. Can't believe it...
Didn't really wanna listen to my explanation after getting all pissed off through her SMSes...
And then said she don't care anymore.
What's the problem here now?... I didn't blow her trust or anything. Damn I missed her!...
If I could get near her I would.
Came all the way to the airport just hoping to get to see her an apologise to her...but I guess time and every FREAKING THING ain't on my side!.... I can't reach there in time at 11pm....carried on waiting anyway to see if she was alittle slow in coming out. But Alas!!...30mins passed 11pm. she's prob gone...and with me now...
feel lousy and with the crap day all over me...I'm sitting by the Macdonald's computer this very moment and writing this blog...
grab a cab later and get my ass parked home soon....
Argh....feeling totally ridiculous!

So much for coming over....with some roses for apology to her...what's the use?....damn it!

Sigh....a load of bull crap day!