I was.....

Happy,
jealous,
smoked,
mentally drained,
but yet definitely in love...

a mixed set of feelings all in a simple day...

But the only thing I just sit and wonder... if it's right to feel jealous at all...

I'm not sure how to react....not sure what to say....
Maybe it's something that I should just brush off and not bother about...
Or maybe I deserved it after the heart break I caused and things are just imploding down upon me...
I don't know.

But after taking a nice warm shower at the end of the day... returning to my residential cubicle...
I decided... yes...I am jealous...
Probably a guy's thing but then...maybe it's just me.
somehow, I don't feel much at ease... It's not the matter of trust... but I just have the feeling that is scratching at the walls of my mind...
Keep quiet and reconsider the need of feeling so...
or just open up and see what happens next?...

Well, life is full of unexpected stuff...isn't it?...well, when it comes...just deal.
Argh!...whatever...back to my notes and books!

Project testing....test test test....lab lab....
and what in the world did I never expect actually happened?
I electric shock twice in a day!!! damn it!
Stupid test partner kept forgetting to earth something and when I connect the mains I had to be the recieving end of his shit!!

fortunately for some small fuses and a circuit breaker to lower the impact or....I'm just a fried piece of NTU crap
With that hitting twice...I'm actually feeling weird...

oh well...
The high part of the day was yet seeing and supporting my baby in her dance performance....THE NEXT WAVE!!!

She did well...
everytime I see her dancing or in any dance, I'll just sit there...smile and feel good.
leaving me mesmerized...
hmmm.....

Whatever she feels about her performace, I still feel it was a good set...
Good work dear!

What a day it's been

Oh what a horrid day had just passed....
really takes alot of optimism to get through....
worked real hard on some proj proposal presentation and at the end of it
got shot down right in the face...leaving my team shocked in silence.
Now instead of a load off our back...it's a load one up to us...
madness...as if studying engineering isn't bad enough...

been rushing the day through with Design assignments and stuff....it's real madness this week's been. argh....
rushing off for work on the many days and all ends up into nothingness....all the say is..
"Oh it's ok....it quite alright..." or "Oh no I don't think so...You narrowed your scope too much...don't focus into blah blah blah..."
And that's it... effort = so such a comment at the end of the day. WTF!

I miss Moi Minzie...so near yet so far...she has a quiz nearing...don't wanna disturb her yet want and yearn for her so much...
Think she needs some time to simmer down on our issue then I'll step in to do the emo stuff...like sayang her...chat chat with her and things like that.... Just wanna go to her a give a little peck on the cheeks...

Sigh...guess its gona be yet another lonely night for me...hugging myself to dreamland...arms doing a self wrap crossed hand..

=/

Teething?....moi?

Oh no...
Me on second second growth of teeth?
First the itching gums...
then next the "bite around" habit.
Shoot! I gotta get this crap off me!
I nimbled here and nimbled there....
Simply nimbled everywhere...
Unfortunately... chanced upon an injuring nimble
On my babe...
Just gotten her all fumed up and upset!

It's been a bit terrible thing all gone wrong...
Away with this habit...
And me stop chewing like carrots to rabbits!

Argh!!

What am I feeling today?...
emo crappy or is it physical literally crappy?
Guess, my treshold for anger is gona become and issue,
as the time of mental war draws near...
I wish not it comes...
It's pure headache, pure rage, pure lost in the mind of confusion and pain...

Even I'm not sure what I'm feeling today...
at a blur... into something I can't define....
can't determine...
Work stress?... handling too many things at a go?....bad combination of modules and stuff?
I don't know...clueless
WTF....

Anyway...
tummy was crappy today too...
total 8 visits to drop zone within 2hrs....making that about every 15mins I had
so say hi to the stinking bowl....
ouch! like my bottoms are smokin'...
Maybe sitting on ice would jut be good....numbing me of everything...

Oh what life is....

Life's been good
only the professors are giving me a headache with all their teachings...
imagine they are clueless themselves on why some subects are designed....
So much for NTU being a world class university.
Damn it....the world should come to know of this.

The craziness of the school....teaching for the sake of teaching without having to spare a thought for those
in the course of studies...what kind of difficulties they suffer under.... why some have problems understanding
certain things in the course...

Nver thought that it was solely due to their lack of ingenuity for some proper design of an undergrad engineering course.

argh....!!!!!

Make me a channel...

It's been sometime since my last post...
busy with the start of school... So fast and a week has passed...
Time awaits nobody.

Somehow...the start of this new semester,
I feel many mixed feelings...
In a great wonder of the things going around me,
coming and going...
My fragile mind... bursting in me through and through sometimes.
Night runs or just in general runs are just so comforting
where I just look forward and every moment is about just myself.
I burn...like a heart without a home and a rebel with a cause...


A part of me has somehow changed through those difficult and trying times that hath just passed.

I'm look around for a life partner...building with me a family I call my own.
While I slog daily in the rat race for returns on the table...
I don't mind the slogging... just bring in the joy of offsprings...
Grannies of my dad's and mum's side have been mumbling in my ears about this issue... yes it's true, age is catching up for me and especially for them...
one of the eldest few in the family and pinned with the pressure of hope for them.


I realised and fully believed in a hymn that rings in my head or so very often...
really brings meaning to many things.... simple words with simple yet great teachings....

"Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring you love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.
.....
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
....
It's in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
and in dying that we're born to eternal life..."

Just a simple extract of a hymn...
brings me much peace, to know ultimately what comes around goes around...

Why fret so much when at the end of the day, things will naturally fall into place.

Smile to another day!

The start of a new semester...

School's just started... the beginning just hit off and time awaits nobody.
3am into the 2nd day and I'm sitting right here... clueless... about certain things...
about myself and what phase I'm into now.

It feels as if I understood alot about myself through this whole holiday that has just passed...but yet there are complications clouding me here and there...
And my insomnia...not helping at all. Just prevents my sleep and I'm starting to talk strange... act strange... feel inhuman...
totally robotic.

But the only good thing I realised that my shot gun temper went away somehow.
My bursting anger just dispersed into nothingness...
Not that I don't have temper but it's just like very controlled...
maybe reverting to the way I was when I was way younger...
a cycle?...hmmm

oh well.... putting off that rage is a good thing anyway....

Too much things happening in my life these days...maybe should I say, it's during this short period of 3mths.... big changes....decisions... people coming in and out... lots of these kind of stuff...
What I once had in focus is now no more... I gave it up coz knowing it's not the kind of life I want to lead. having it for that short period was enough to realise it. With it came losing myself, my love, my time, my sleep... and yet out there lies a probable opportunities. the 4 things above were important to me...with them and only with them I'd have a free mind.

Having letting it go now... leaves a space somehow inside me...in question what my next step would be...
to hit off straight into IT sector? and be my creative designer and live my hobby dreams? or go into the marketing sector where I know my ability to network and deal or even manage people would be there?
Having offers all over the place...wanting to give me a start of a good 5 grand even when I've not finished undergrad studies....temptation but holding on to myself for that, I knew i must finish this crazy EEE course.

Sigh...anyway... a good run puts away all these for the moment...relaxing me for awhile at least...

As of now...I only know, putting a smile on everyday, makes everyday better and easier to get through...
Even through conflicts and stormy situations...
I guess I'd just live on that for the moment....

tired tired tired...so tired...

Freshmen Orientation camp is very much around the corner....WoooHoo...
this whole thing is killing me. Need to get it over and done with. Have so much to do but with so little time!
Since I got out of SIA I've just been busy running around...doing administrative stuff and things like that....
this is crazy...

Everything got so crazy that I didn't have time to breathe....but it's good to know that through my exhausion....the insomnia is fading....but I'm getting really physically tired and maxed out.

Just last night...I found myself rather cornered....
Things needed to rush and be on time but yet there seemingly no way out....
had problems with T-shirt printing....and banner printing.....can't get them done on time...
I was turning mad....mad mad....
was praying so hard for answers....
And suddenly answers did come in....hahaa....
emails of solutions coming through....people asking if I needed help....
from msn....sweet and wonderfully helpful angels just offered to go all the way to check things out for me.....
And most of all my buddy room mate got me off the headache of the banner print just in a moment....the resourceful person he is. What would I do without these great people....
saving my sanity....hahaa....

need rest....need rest....

Funny how things are.

Just returned to the hostel from a whole afternoon til night outing with a whole group of dudes from the medical circle. Funny how it's like... having to hear the complains about life from the other side ie. the doctors. It brings me to a different perspective altogther and it's seemingly fresh to view life in a different angle. It's a pity after all the studies they've gone through just to complete their studies in medicine, they come to the medical industry to slog so much in hospitals...or to complete some bonds they are tied on to.

I guess life itself is crazy in every way. So much for Yin and Yang where everything comes to a certain balance....in this case, where is the balance? All the time, effort, money into studies and afterwhich pushed out to be 'slaves'... while on the other hand, there are those who barely study and didn't go through much education...they are the ones who make it big and are living in the life of riches. Madness isn't it?...

Well, I won't say much coz I haven't exactly hit my big point yet. In a short time I will and hopefully by then I might have come up with my great plan to kick start some system where money rolls in on one side like an automatic vending machine while I just take on a fixed and relaxed job...just to pass time, and leaving me spares to set up the family of my own...
Damn it....I'm just dreaming. But dreaming is good isn't it?... where there is a dream, there is creativeness and leading to innovative outcomes and thus a point of challenging myself to take charge of my plans. Success is then the ability to attain what was seemingly impossible in the past....isn't it?... =)

Dawn...
knowing her is like knowing the very first friend since the very day I was born....hmm..well maybe 2hrs later. hahaa...
It felt like it's been ages that I've known her but yet took me 25yrs of my life to understand her because, it's only now that we started catching up...hmm well since I don't know what to start.
We did meet in the past, but what would 5yr old toddlers know about socializing then?.... how to throw around rattles and screaming our heads off while running about the whole place?
She is simple, yet an amazing person. Interesting I guess... somewhat similar to me yet different...but there was something that was common between us....I'm not too sure what it is besides our liking for 'Superman'. Though after so darn long, we finally met up through our parents keeping contact with each other... it felt like meeting another stranger but yet knowing already so much about her.
Funny huh... haha...it is definately strange how things come about...

Oh well...another day has passed...and into another beginning of the weekends!
I'm gona try sleeping once more and if I fail....I'd be just closing my eyes to rest them as usual..
What's new. An everyday routine... I need to find my switch and turn myself off, disconnect from the energizer battery that has been feeding me the power that keeps me awake all 2-3months long....
I'll try....just try....

~The pain I'm having
The very thing that restricts me
To do what I want, I can't...
Oh The striking sensation...
That makes me lose grip
That I can't keep hold of myself
The pain I'm having...
The pain in my wrist...~


Some times as I go through my day...
disturbing thoughts run through my mind.
I've got 3 in mind. 3 possibilities. Choosing any of them would mean a different life
I'd lead altogether. Time is just racing... I can't catch up. But what I want seems to be a combination of the 3 and every one of them.
This is crazy... wrecking my brains coz of this...but who can control it some times...?
Nobody...

just something for the day....

Something was ringing ringing in my head today....
just some words...
just something I'd like to pick somebody...
somebody worth...I'd feel worth saying this to....
from a simplistic Me..

~I can only give you love that last forever
And a promise to be near each time you call...
And the only heart I own,
for you and you alone that's all.
All I have are these arms to enfold you
and a life time can never be strong....
If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear....
You'd be glad to know that my demands are small...
Say it's me that you adore,
for now and ever more that's all...
That's all...~

=)
Just something for the day....

alittle spot of confusion?....me?....

Life is such a wonder...
Many things lie around to ponder...
small stuff
medium issues
or gigantic matters that could leave one drowning in tissues.
My heart my mind a certain song they sing...
The very same one...
finally in sync.
Telling me of which way I should go,
but yet something is there to block me....
to stop me....
to think twice...
But now...
Sitting here remembering when
i felt a gush of wind that swept me off
when I started to notice the beauty within...
that I never use to see or bother to notice
The way I felt just by being close...
racing pulse..Ohhh....
My stomach's in knots
with thoughts in my heart....
but standing between my thoughts
of making a move forward
and to just keep a safe distance....
would be the friendship...
the very thing that bonds us yet...
the very thing that stops me from
reaching forward what my mind and my heart sings out for...
Making declarations I yet dare not say...
it's been a problem.. and a problem it could be...
I guess give it time...
time will tell...
my mind and heart in time will spell...
(hmm....if that's going to be anyway possible...)

Decision!

Yesterday.. was a day of a big decision...
Would somehow change my future and what I expected all along.
But I was prepared for this day, though it felt alittle lousy but,
it's something that has to be done. Probably for something better.

I gave up the thought of fighting for my scholarship.
I decided to let this scholarship go as I felt I didn't want this kind of life in future.
It wasn't really for me and I felt that I should be in a more fast paced job and
something that gives me satisfaction. Just being on attachment alone, it made me realise that
By stepping into the very office I'd call my future, I was lost self time, due to travelling... givent he weirdest work structure I had to get things done at very odd timings too thus compromised on my self time and time with those I love. The scholarship was also a burden to me as I studied through my university so far... the pressure that was constantly bugging me in the head...and I can't really sleep well enough with a disturbed mind. Affecting so much in my life. I used to do better without it. Scholarship...or "Scholar" as they labelled me....was nothing but a student who had the ability to talk his way through and impress people in the interview. I merely just another student on bursary. Nothing else... nothing so special about it.

Now I've got a different goal in life....a new beginning and set a new waypoint to target for....

element of gloom

Yesterday...yesterday was good....but yet had an element of gloom....
Met up Sharon after ages of saying we will meet up to catch up but it's always me not having the time... Think I'm quite jialat... haha.. She changed quite abit in dressing, due to work she has to I guess, but somehow felt her style and the patterns she didn't really change much actually.
Great to catch up some times...!

Gloom, Min's granddad just passed away in the afternoon at about 4.30pm... told me she cried...
cried hard and yet her relatives due to buddist beliefs didn't allow her to cry. Alamak...how to control this kinda thing?... madness...
I felt bad not being able to be there to comfort her in person. Had already left back for the airport. Should've stayed around the hospital alittle longer. sigh...

Reminds me of the time when I had to watch over my late grandpa as he lay on the hospital bed....fighting to live...just to wait for the return of my Auntie and Uncle from Australia and NEw Zealand. But they didn't make it in time. When the priest blessed him and told him that everything will be fine...And to rest in peace that everyone there will be fine and well.
And that his Sons and daughter would understand...
With that...he breathed his last...
I broke down...
was very painful to have him leave us, yet happy that his suffering ended...
And I guess it should've been the same for Min's grandpa too....

The night after my grandpa passed away... I experienced something unusual...
and the funny thing was that all his Sons felt it too.....

~ I close my eyes and there in the shadows
I see a bright striking light,
your light
You come to me out of my dreams
Across the night...

From this day on
I'm still certain I'll never be alone
I know what my heart
have always known
that my grandpa's love has a power that's all it's own
For us all there's no time and no space
No barrier that the family's love won't erase
In our hearts you will be
And for always, forever
you're raised up high
And for always
we will go on beyond goodbye.~

Per Te Canto alla vita

"I sing to life for you"...

Life's good...just fine...
good time working out...
coldplay was cool and good though I was so darn tired while at the concert after all the work I've been through...

Attachment is gona end soon! can't wait... was considering going to phuket, thailand for a couple of days to take a break...hmmmm.....should I?...hahaaa.... but it's quite abit of cash needed there..esp when it's one of the most expensive place to go to in thailand...
surprisingly Bangkok isn't as expensive...

But whether I go or not, doesn't matter....most importantly is that I get time to do my stuff!....
just relax...chill by the beach...tanning...work out...free my mind before the semester starts...
Most of all...make the Insomnia go away!...need to be human again!...damn it...hahahaa
feels really inhuman not sleeping and stuff like that... it's crazy...

..........

Sleepless nights
spent struggling
In and out the meander of my mind
in endless explorations;
Endless considerations
all so spreaded
as the million twinkles in the sky;
The thirst for knowledge
or unending queries
has kneeled at my need of sensations;
And life's bittersweet memories
like dark chocolate
Erase all powerful thoughts
leaving my soul
trying in exhausion;
Darkness leaves
with the first strike of the sun
and warmth fills my skin;
I remember then
that I needed to sleep,
but it's a beginning of a new day;
12 hours of the sunny ray
how I'm gona spend it I don't know
tonite rest and sleep,
I'll see how it goes....

Irritated!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~DAmn...
I think some people are just born to irritate...
I've gotta fumigate
Get out!
Move out!
Ship out!
I don't need you here..
Trying to ask me a question
yet wanna just act smart
you know you seem like a freakin' retard...
I can't stand you
Blood damn fool!
Wassup with you Botak!
You just wanna get farked?
Are you crazy?
Don't waste my time here...
So just get hell out of here...
Argh! ~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn the darn other SIA scholar... what's in the world with him?
Trying to claim some credit after having no idea how to get around doing some stuff and getting it done with my help?... Or maybe don't know crap about what's going on but yet want to show he knows something thus ask stupid questions?....
Having been through a rough and busy day and the last darn thing that I'd like to have was him to walking up to my face asking pointless questions....of no relation to whatever urgent problem we were dealing with. "Oh just for general interest" he says....
how about asking my ass such kinda question when I'm deep in thought to rectify serious problems....answer you with a fart damn shit!...
You are freakin' going 24 right now...stop acting like a retard and work!...

Freaky tuesday

Freaky!!! Freaky tuesday morning!
took the morning train towards cityhall today...on the way to work...
first of all, leaving my house 5mins earlier than the norm got me to work at 7.45am instead of the normal 8.15am....
second.....
coming out from the north-south train and into the open doored east-west train, as I took my first step into the train I had 4 of my friends names just striking in my mind like a sudden lightning bolt striking a lone tree...
But that wasn't the main thing.... the best part was....immediately when I turned my head to the left side of the cabin, looking at the cabin connector area, I saw friend number 1 (shall not mention any names here....)....said hello and stuff like that and since my journey was going to be a long one, I found a seat and sat straight in it. Just thento my right was my friend number 2 and on the opposite left was friend number 3. And I never knew that they actually worked at the places the train was heading to. I was already shocked enough but still sceptical....
I messaged my friend number 4....whom I was kinda going to meet back in office...to see if he was in the same train to confirm my gut feeling...but he didn't reply me. Probably reading newspaper or sleeping in the train....
When I got to office, I saw him and he exclaimed.. "Aye Kenneth, how come I didn't see you?....I was in the same train lah...where were you standing in the first place?"
Just then....I knew, what I felt....wasn't just something of the norm....
Somehow... I knew 4 of my friends were in the same train as I....
Freaky.....still thinking about it til now.....hahaa...

all in a day's work!

Phew a hectic day just passed!
fortunately!
Tired...
Went around the office to guide in some concepts regarding Microsoft excel and access usability and how to make certain analysis fast and easy even if it mean dealing with few 10s of thousand data... Coz somehow I managed it about few weeks back, thus shocking myself and people around.
Hahahaaa...actually it's nothing great just some way of looking at the application in a different perspective and making it work better for you. Moreover, in the office I'm a lazy guy....and being lazy, brings about creativity and thus the automation of many routinal processes.

And so the day went by dealing with all those stuff and writing my so so long attachment report which until now I don't think I can finish it fast enough.
Also not forgetting FOC!....Wah that was the feat!
But at least everything is seeing light...
the best thing for the day was to find out that all my efforts for fighting and reasoning with NTU for the sake of my FOC members to stay in the hall wasn't in vain...for now all those hitting the overal gross points in my committee can stay! and for those 5 whom I fought in the appeal... all of them were successful in the weeks of negotiation. Real tiring...but oh well, the good returns for me in this is the good feeling of helping and on the other hand I get their loyalty in FOC assistance. Hard work pays off afterall!