My memory hits

The more my memory hits
The more the strain
The more shivers sent
The more exhausion sips in
And soon the weaker my legs are
The numbness flows
There I stagger to a stop
The feeling of collapsing
And down I go
My eyes shut into the darkness
And there once again
Reality sits in
The more my memory hits...

There is no running away...
What's strongly in me,
has been with me since time started
In April yes the beautiful sparks
the little bright light
shines as aways through and through
In joy in sadness in pain
then in joy in sorrow in pain
How the flow is and went
Yes...oh yes it still stays
and thus my memory hits...

My love..My dear, My darling...
Here my hands outreached...
how can I enfold you
with my wide open embracing arms...
Warmth I give
your sorrows I take
My tears I wish to wash away the sadness between us thereafter...
I awaiting...
here...I am...
right here waiting for you...

the remainding... the finding... the wonders...

Going through the day...
not wanting to miss the thing in my life...
esp the important ones... Min, then everything else.

I guess, things are just digging deeper into me...
The need to see her happy, but I'm wondering if I really am.
Anything that comes to mind, I'd just do...
not thinking if she would recieve it in the first place...just do...

I'm feeling her kinda numbness... which I feel that it's probably because of me.
I feel there is a need to spend some time with her...together...to do some stuff...
out of the campus compounds for a walk... just some quiet and lonely just the 2 of us kinda walk...
To have once again a good weekend, which I guess we didn't have a chance to have since we started again...
we were both filled with stuff to do in the weekends that it's never left alone for just the both of us.
And I hope that with this coming week 'break' I'd put some time off to be with her. doesn't matter where ...just be.

I feel my crawling for her... the need... the yearn... the lack of her...
And I just want to make up for the lost times...the times we lost and thus an outcome that I never wanted...

I love her...
Baby... I hope you know...
I hope that you'll be happy...with smiles and joy to be back with me...
I love you...!

Remember I can't
of memories I was last well rested...
probably the only time was...
oh yes I do know when
The most important to my living sanity
she was there...
Those were the moments I just dissolved
Right into the arms of her...
Felt nothing but pure comfort.
Now, I just want to keep my life
hitting a pause...a direct coma
holding still everything that's in bombardment
completing myself once again.
It hasn't been...oh no it sure hasn't been at all
that I know for the past few days at least
I was empty... now I'm beginning to be filled up once more
I thought I was at a lost...
was smashed at the sight or the knowledge of the way things are...
And how I dealt with it all...
I just want to daze through the afternoon with you
flowing in my poetic mind once more...
It's been just for you...
only has
Just as my heart
for you alone and nobody else.....


Feeling sad at the way things were...and how things went through for the passing days...
Many people asked me why and what happened... for the while I didn't dare say...in fear of bursting...
with eyes bleeding tears of love lost...
But having spoken to a few close friends...guys and girls alike...
Wanted to have a different perspective of my life and how things were...
I couldn't just take a view for it... I know how naturally friends are.
They side you very much... If I'm wrong about how things were...I'd like to know and not being covered up.
I want to know the complexity of love...of r/s...
It's important to me just as it is in wanting to work this r/s well...to keep it...
To fight and win over the sense of numbness...
I'll put in even my last second...or my last penny on this...
Coz'...I realised... the effects of how words are can be at wrong times...
Regardless of how adult you intend to deal with it.
I realised that men in general are just naturally stupid pigs in love...
I know too.... that I didn't use to be like this... I knew what to do...I always did..no matter how
and now yes right now I want it all back...I want all that abilities back...
God take away my sensitivity to the other world or the visions that I really don't wanna see...
I just want back what humans call Romance...
I so that I may
Romance...in the simplest yet loving manner to the one who's dear to me.

Baby... I hope that you are able to see what you really mean to me... if not, at least slowly seeing some sparkles...

Like a vast green field with a budding flower...or the unending ocean with a brilliance of a growing pearl...

When it comes...it comes...

But please, wake me up... with a slap when needed to... save me for the clouding of the earthly rushes... pull me back to baseline. I won't let you go...
So please don't go..

Just saw my dear...
hoping to talk things out...
sigh...right after a whole day of stuff...
God it's really taxing...!!
I just want her to be happy...
Why can't I do that now?... Kenneth...out of the box thinking you must...
my mind is so cropped up! I can't stand it...how am I going to take this? I really don't know...
Somebody...help me!
SAve me! someone!
give me some leads!!!....

I've been cracking my dumb head all day...yet I can't think of anything...
sigh...

I've to do something and I want to do something....

=/
help me! someone!!

time, room, space

~~~~~~~~~~
I need a little time
to think it all over
I need a little space
Just on my own
To find my mental freedom
It's funny how quick milk turns sour
Isn't it?
You face looked like that for hours
Hasn't it?
Promises turn to dust
Beauty rings all to rust
trust to mistrust
but sometimes mistrust to trust
I need a little room
to find myself
I need a little space to find myself
Lips that promise
fear the worst
And tongue so sharp
the bubble burst
Now...
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To check what's wrong
to find truths and wonders
And I still love you.
I guess freedom and pamper
you wanted bad
placing your decision
It's yours in you hands
Well I hope you're glad
So what if
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To think it all over
to want to work it out
your doors tightly shut
you called it off....
What am I to you now?
where I stand?
I'm guessing...
it's the feeling...
Totally...
right now...
simply nowhere...
Do you really want us at all?
Wasn't it strong enough?
With a series of quarrels and stumbles...
And now to end, it was all...
Such easy thing to say...
When you took me deep
so deep to love you...
just to smash me up there after...
and with mistakes
you didn't allow me alter...
Aches...pains...
a 2nd day without you
just to form a chain....
``````````

Pain grows without you...

A part of me is thinking, she may just want me away from her now...
I guess she might want to end us for good... from the tone she gave when I went upstairs to try talk to her.
I duno. And with the fact that girl friends intervention in relationship issues, usually don't help much...coz they support on side only and overall...
But anyway it's all her choice... she chooses to believe in them and whatever things they say I guess I can't control...

I guess I'm just never the guy who gives the cinderella setting or fairytale I might say to girls...
coz maybe I'm just too practical and that maybe also...at the moment I'm more looking for a life partner...someone to stay with for long and I'd want to clear things up...likes, dislikes and stuff...issues to handle dealing with security feelings... anything...
Once done, fully understanding the other would then be possible...
And I wanted that with her...
I'm not sure if there is any more thinking thru on her side now...
coz once again I'm seeing the hot, pissed, angry girl in her...that I saw before...
I never saw why is it so difficult for her to forgive when I could do that for her case?....
Am I not special enough to her as she said I was?...
Being special is really about making her exclusive to me...
There isn't any girl taking pics beside me on a close less than shoulder length away...
There isn't me going out with any other girls unless just old time friends and yet going out in a large group...
There totally isn't... and my time surrounded what I had to deal with in my life and her....basically that...
That's exclusive... a call is all it takes to take me out of it...just tell me she really needs me now and I'll be down there...
but I guess that's not what she was looking for in a guy... I have to think on my feet aside all the other things I've to handle...
And my pampering is nothing compared to her so many guy friends...
people have seen and heard what I've been capable of and how generous I can be in special occassions...
and esp those times when I could afford the full time and money...
But now...being limited...I just deal with what I can give...
Is that not good?...
I'm seriously in big questions...
Baby darling... I really love you and thus I gave you the exclusiveness that makes me different from other of your guy friends...
I dun do the things I do for any other girls...
Yet, your photography friend was chosen above me too...and you can say it's your friend....what about mine?
Do I have no feelings?... I'm not robot not made of steel...only human...
I asked certain questions...my insecurities weren't because I didn't trust...but rather I wanted you for long and I want that affirmation from you... you didn't have to show me much...just tell me...just say it. And it's so difficult for you to do that.
I don't remember a day I forgot to say 'I love you'
I don't remember a day I don't affirm our relationship...
"Maybe you are better off with other guys?" the question that was a hit on the score boards...? well how about answering that as "It's you I'm better off with" ?
confidence in a relationship requires time to build... it's not like some few weeks thing...
And asking questions and talking about issues openly makes the difference... I realised that since the last time we broke up.
I made the change...I decided I must talk to you about everything I'm going through...anything that I'm feeling... I can't lie to you... and just be frank...telling you the truth...but did you handle it well?
Or should I just simply handle it myself and keep you away from it all like the past? And at the end of it when things blow up and you come to know about it...the problem becomes lack of communication...
Before I even decide on any activities, I considered you... put aside the responsibilities I held and promises I made to friends before any commitments were laid down...
I always thought that would you be doing or would you need me around at that time?...anything...
If you think the normal guy friends would do all those for you...I really have no case to fight... but they are doing what they do simply coz' they are interested in you...
On the contruary, I was willing to be there for you even when I was just a friend to you after we broke up and mending my wounds... kept trying different means to find out how you were...
how you were feeling.... if you needed emotional support.
All these...can't be held...can't be touched...
but are these not valueable enough or at all?
Are you going to tell me the other guys do all that for you too?...
At the end of the day I would be the one kneeling down on bended knees putting pride aside from the relationship to ask for whatever forgiveness or ask to be taken back...
But both times I see a cold face looking at me with no expression... unaffected... telling me to go away or "Don't want to hear from you"...
But yet even so, I still come back...
Why?...
Is this not love?...
is this not love, that whatever the case is I'm still beside you and coming back to you?
If not what is it?
Till this point I'm still on the fight and not giving up inside me...
to want you back...
but if you are going to put a blockage in you... saying that you aren't going to react to anything I do...
You are basically telling me that there is no point doing anything coz' anything I'm going to do, isn't going to make a difference until you really have sorted things out and cooled down.

I hope you really take some time to think things through...about us, what we've been through...what it really means to have a guy loving you...

Not just for me, but for yourself too...

I sent you the song "that's all" sang by Rod Stewart, Michael Buble and Adam Sandler...
I meant every thing and every words in it..."all I have are these arms to enfold you...and a love that time can never destroy..."
"Grow old with you"...? I meant the lyrics too... did you?
Maybe before sending anything in future, we should find out if it's really what each of us truely mean.
Coz' to me, it's important...to mean it when you are giving something...not for the sake of romance. Coz' pure romance will soon die off leaving nothing on the surface...

Sigh...I really want to with me...even now..
as I sit on my desk typing in tears...
I need you coz I love you...never was it the other way round.


If you can't understand that,
I'd just shut up next time...

Up and down from 2nd to 4th I go...
wanting to see her so much...
but yet she ain't alone...
why is there is stoppage?...
what's stopping me?
am I not a person who knows no fear?
Why the fear of the past?
Why the fear of her not alone?
Why then the fear of walking right in?

why why why?

Coz I fear I might say another set of wrong things?
of turning crazy?
being madness and tearing in front of her again?
What what what is it?

I'm lost and all alone...
long before I used to think
that I could make it on my own...
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
And I need you back to stay.
I wondered through the night...
to search the words to make it right...
With you here close to me
All I really want is just the way it used to be...
I've got to make you see,
I'm really lost without your love...
seems that life without you isn't worth the trouble of...
and I really love you with all my heart...

A day in gloom and darkness

The day just went by…
Woke up with a morning sigh.
I felt empty…
It wasn’t hungry nor mindless
But rather a heart that has lost
A very great and valuable thing.
Month’s time went by,
Started with the beauty and warmth.
But once again losing my senses
With so much to deal with…
But holding so little resources.
My mind is lost…
So lost deep inside you.
You didn’t know,
Maybe coz’ it was simply
More emotional that material.
Something intangible can’t proof anything.
Well that’s only human to think that way…
I can’t help it,
likewise found it hard
to simply keep my darn mouth shut.
Blurting out things that hit you so hard.
I guess I broke it.
The very outcome I never intended for.
Especially to you, the person I’ve always wanted more.
And then as I walked to laboratories one after another
There was no drive in me to go for the next
Constantly dragging myself like to ground I was fixed.
I haven’t been sleeping well
With so much in mind
Like I’m trapped in a prison cell.
Locked up in a place of my own,
Pondering over matters over issues
Over studies over projects…
The wretched student’s life.
For a moment in the afternoon,
Three twelfths off half day gone…
My mind went blank…
For the moment, I saw darkness…
I was calling out yet nobody could hear me.
My body and mind felt heavy…
And the head was bruised on the back…
Physical pain was it…
Flowing into numbness…
Climbing then into consciousness,
I found myself in an unfamiliar place
With people in robes and in white swifting around me…
Blurred in my vision.
Then clearing up, a hospital I was…
Apparently my mind shut off after quiz and the migraine sparked
A blackout in my entire consciousness.
I can’t remember where I was last.
Things happened so fast,
I could hardly feel it…
But the pain resides… just kept coming.
Cabbing back, all I had in mind
was to have You by my side.
I need you…
I love you…
Would you be prepared to forgive me?
Let us start all over again…
Where the bliss came
The warmth enfolded us…
Bring us smiles
And me, pushing away all that’s hurting
All the past for a fresh anew…
I love you darling…

My mind's a mess...
Heat is all fired up...
Things are going in a swirl...
The taste of bitterness...
A dash of sourness...
give me a solution
I need to fill in the blanks...
does pain come hand in hand?
A good buddy of love?
The deeper I go...
I deeper I feel...
A new figure
A sudden consistency
Brings a new threat...
seemingly not
but I'll never know.
I know one, but not the other...
I'm trying to deal...
dealing with it right now....

I was.....

Happy,
jealous,
smoked,
mentally drained,
but yet definitely in love...

a mixed set of feelings all in a simple day...

But the only thing I just sit and wonder... if it's right to feel jealous at all...

I'm not sure how to react....not sure what to say....
Maybe it's something that I should just brush off and not bother about...
Or maybe I deserved it after the heart break I caused and things are just imploding down upon me...
I don't know.

But after taking a nice warm shower at the end of the day... returning to my residential cubicle...
I decided... yes...I am jealous...
Probably a guy's thing but then...maybe it's just me.
somehow, I don't feel much at ease... It's not the matter of trust... but I just have the feeling that is scratching at the walls of my mind...
Keep quiet and reconsider the need of feeling so...
or just open up and see what happens next?...

Well, life is full of unexpected stuff...isn't it?...well, when it comes...just deal.
Argh!...whatever...back to my notes and books!

Project testing....test test test....lab lab....
and what in the world did I never expect actually happened?
I electric shock twice in a day!!! damn it!
Stupid test partner kept forgetting to earth something and when I connect the mains I had to be the recieving end of his shit!!

fortunately for some small fuses and a circuit breaker to lower the impact or....I'm just a fried piece of NTU crap
With that hitting twice...I'm actually feeling weird...

oh well...
The high part of the day was yet seeing and supporting my baby in her dance performance....THE NEXT WAVE!!!

She did well...
everytime I see her dancing or in any dance, I'll just sit there...smile and feel good.
leaving me mesmerized...
hmmm.....

Whatever she feels about her performace, I still feel it was a good set...
Good work dear!

What a day it's been

Oh what a horrid day had just passed....
really takes alot of optimism to get through....
worked real hard on some proj proposal presentation and at the end of it
got shot down right in the face...leaving my team shocked in silence.
Now instead of a load off our back...it's a load one up to us...
madness...as if studying engineering isn't bad enough...

been rushing the day through with Design assignments and stuff....it's real madness this week's been. argh....
rushing off for work on the many days and all ends up into nothingness....all the say is..
"Oh it's ok....it quite alright..." or "Oh no I don't think so...You narrowed your scope too much...don't focus into blah blah blah..."
And that's it... effort = so such a comment at the end of the day. WTF!

I miss Moi Minzie...so near yet so far...she has a quiz nearing...don't wanna disturb her yet want and yearn for her so much...
Think she needs some time to simmer down on our issue then I'll step in to do the emo stuff...like sayang her...chat chat with her and things like that.... Just wanna go to her a give a little peck on the cheeks...

Sigh...guess its gona be yet another lonely night for me...hugging myself to dreamland...arms doing a self wrap crossed hand..

=/

Teething?....moi?

Oh no...
Me on second second growth of teeth?
First the itching gums...
then next the "bite around" habit.
Shoot! I gotta get this crap off me!
I nimbled here and nimbled there....
Simply nimbled everywhere...
Unfortunately... chanced upon an injuring nimble
On my babe...
Just gotten her all fumed up and upset!

It's been a bit terrible thing all gone wrong...
Away with this habit...
And me stop chewing like carrots to rabbits!

Argh!!

What am I feeling today?...
emo crappy or is it physical literally crappy?
Guess, my treshold for anger is gona become and issue,
as the time of mental war draws near...
I wish not it comes...
It's pure headache, pure rage, pure lost in the mind of confusion and pain...

Even I'm not sure what I'm feeling today...
at a blur... into something I can't define....
can't determine...
Work stress?... handling too many things at a go?....bad combination of modules and stuff?
I don't know...clueless
WTF....

Anyway...
tummy was crappy today too...
total 8 visits to drop zone within 2hrs....making that about every 15mins I had
so say hi to the stinking bowl....
ouch! like my bottoms are smokin'...
Maybe sitting on ice would jut be good....numbing me of everything...

Oh what life is....

Life's been good
only the professors are giving me a headache with all their teachings...
imagine they are clueless themselves on why some subects are designed....
So much for NTU being a world class university.
Damn it....the world should come to know of this.

The craziness of the school....teaching for the sake of teaching without having to spare a thought for those
in the course of studies...what kind of difficulties they suffer under.... why some have problems understanding
certain things in the course...

Nver thought that it was solely due to their lack of ingenuity for some proper design of an undergrad engineering course.

argh....!!!!!

Make me a channel...

It's been sometime since my last post...
busy with the start of school... So fast and a week has passed...
Time awaits nobody.

Somehow...the start of this new semester,
I feel many mixed feelings...
In a great wonder of the things going around me,
coming and going...
My fragile mind... bursting in me through and through sometimes.
Night runs or just in general runs are just so comforting
where I just look forward and every moment is about just myself.
I burn...like a heart without a home and a rebel with a cause...


A part of me has somehow changed through those difficult and trying times that hath just passed.

I'm look around for a life partner...building with me a family I call my own.
While I slog daily in the rat race for returns on the table...
I don't mind the slogging... just bring in the joy of offsprings...
Grannies of my dad's and mum's side have been mumbling in my ears about this issue... yes it's true, age is catching up for me and especially for them...
one of the eldest few in the family and pinned with the pressure of hope for them.


I realised and fully believed in a hymn that rings in my head or so very often...
really brings meaning to many things.... simple words with simple yet great teachings....

"Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring you love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.
.....
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
....
It's in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
and in dying that we're born to eternal life..."

Just a simple extract of a hymn...
brings me much peace, to know ultimately what comes around goes around...

Why fret so much when at the end of the day, things will naturally fall into place.

Smile to another day!

The start of a new semester...

School's just started... the beginning just hit off and time awaits nobody.
3am into the 2nd day and I'm sitting right here... clueless... about certain things...
about myself and what phase I'm into now.

It feels as if I understood alot about myself through this whole holiday that has just passed...but yet there are complications clouding me here and there...
And my insomnia...not helping at all. Just prevents my sleep and I'm starting to talk strange... act strange... feel inhuman...
totally robotic.

But the only good thing I realised that my shot gun temper went away somehow.
My bursting anger just dispersed into nothingness...
Not that I don't have temper but it's just like very controlled...
maybe reverting to the way I was when I was way younger...
a cycle?...hmmm

oh well.... putting off that rage is a good thing anyway....

Too much things happening in my life these days...maybe should I say, it's during this short period of 3mths.... big changes....decisions... people coming in and out... lots of these kind of stuff...
What I once had in focus is now no more... I gave it up coz knowing it's not the kind of life I want to lead. having it for that short period was enough to realise it. With it came losing myself, my love, my time, my sleep... and yet out there lies a probable opportunities. the 4 things above were important to me...with them and only with them I'd have a free mind.

Having letting it go now... leaves a space somehow inside me...in question what my next step would be...
to hit off straight into IT sector? and be my creative designer and live my hobby dreams? or go into the marketing sector where I know my ability to network and deal or even manage people would be there?
Having offers all over the place...wanting to give me a start of a good 5 grand even when I've not finished undergrad studies....temptation but holding on to myself for that, I knew i must finish this crazy EEE course.

Sigh...anyway... a good run puts away all these for the moment...relaxing me for awhile at least...

As of now...I only know, putting a smile on everyday, makes everyday better and easier to get through...
Even through conflicts and stormy situations...
I guess I'd just live on that for the moment....

tired tired tired...so tired...

Freshmen Orientation camp is very much around the corner....WoooHoo...
this whole thing is killing me. Need to get it over and done with. Have so much to do but with so little time!
Since I got out of SIA I've just been busy running around...doing administrative stuff and things like that....
this is crazy...

Everything got so crazy that I didn't have time to breathe....but it's good to know that through my exhausion....the insomnia is fading....but I'm getting really physically tired and maxed out.

Just last night...I found myself rather cornered....
Things needed to rush and be on time but yet there seemingly no way out....
had problems with T-shirt printing....and banner printing.....can't get them done on time...
I was turning mad....mad mad....
was praying so hard for answers....
And suddenly answers did come in....hahaa....
emails of solutions coming through....people asking if I needed help....
from msn....sweet and wonderfully helpful angels just offered to go all the way to check things out for me.....
And most of all my buddy room mate got me off the headache of the banner print just in a moment....the resourceful person he is. What would I do without these great people....
saving my sanity....hahaa....

need rest....need rest....

Funny how things are.

Just returned to the hostel from a whole afternoon til night outing with a whole group of dudes from the medical circle. Funny how it's like... having to hear the complains about life from the other side ie. the doctors. It brings me to a different perspective altogther and it's seemingly fresh to view life in a different angle. It's a pity after all the studies they've gone through just to complete their studies in medicine, they come to the medical industry to slog so much in hospitals...or to complete some bonds they are tied on to.

I guess life itself is crazy in every way. So much for Yin and Yang where everything comes to a certain balance....in this case, where is the balance? All the time, effort, money into studies and afterwhich pushed out to be 'slaves'... while on the other hand, there are those who barely study and didn't go through much education...they are the ones who make it big and are living in the life of riches. Madness isn't it?...

Well, I won't say much coz I haven't exactly hit my big point yet. In a short time I will and hopefully by then I might have come up with my great plan to kick start some system where money rolls in on one side like an automatic vending machine while I just take on a fixed and relaxed job...just to pass time, and leaving me spares to set up the family of my own...
Damn it....I'm just dreaming. But dreaming is good isn't it?... where there is a dream, there is creativeness and leading to innovative outcomes and thus a point of challenging myself to take charge of my plans. Success is then the ability to attain what was seemingly impossible in the past....isn't it?... =)

Dawn...
knowing her is like knowing the very first friend since the very day I was born....hmm..well maybe 2hrs later. hahaa...
It felt like it's been ages that I've known her but yet took me 25yrs of my life to understand her because, it's only now that we started catching up...hmm well since I don't know what to start.
We did meet in the past, but what would 5yr old toddlers know about socializing then?.... how to throw around rattles and screaming our heads off while running about the whole place?
She is simple, yet an amazing person. Interesting I guess... somewhat similar to me yet different...but there was something that was common between us....I'm not too sure what it is besides our liking for 'Superman'. Though after so darn long, we finally met up through our parents keeping contact with each other... it felt like meeting another stranger but yet knowing already so much about her.
Funny huh... haha...it is definately strange how things come about...

Oh well...another day has passed...and into another beginning of the weekends!
I'm gona try sleeping once more and if I fail....I'd be just closing my eyes to rest them as usual..
What's new. An everyday routine... I need to find my switch and turn myself off, disconnect from the energizer battery that has been feeding me the power that keeps me awake all 2-3months long....
I'll try....just try....

~The pain I'm having
The very thing that restricts me
To do what I want, I can't...
Oh The striking sensation...
That makes me lose grip
That I can't keep hold of myself
The pain I'm having...
The pain in my wrist...~


Some times as I go through my day...
disturbing thoughts run through my mind.
I've got 3 in mind. 3 possibilities. Choosing any of them would mean a different life
I'd lead altogether. Time is just racing... I can't catch up. But what I want seems to be a combination of the 3 and every one of them.
This is crazy... wrecking my brains coz of this...but who can control it some times...?
Nobody...