The start of the 'catching up work' week...with the coming week 10 of this semester a simulated scare of SARS...
Darn...so those couldn't care less people crammed us all into lots of work to deal with in just a week of so called break.

Just done with the horrible subject test...a long 1hr plus... wasn't funny.
It was turning me nuts! driving me against the wall...
Even after studying so much for it yet many had no idea how to deal with the questions that hit us!
Can you imagine? What's the whole point of this?....to kill us?

Fortunately I didn't just put up my time on that....for the whole night...
managed a quick ani-project to earn myself a quick $100...cool huh....

I guess it's worth it...1 sleepless night to work up something and with alittle luck to gain favour. Otherwise my works through would've been for nothing....

The only thing that drove me for that was wanting to lighten the load of my poor darling who lost her handphone on sunday...
I know I can't take on huge projects now that can earn me enough to get her a whole new one....but I hope this would at least help in some way...

Maybe if I can find some others, I'd do as and when possible to bring in alittle more...so the lost isn't that great on the cost... but of coz the sentimental value of it means way beyond what we can value...

sigh...a longer week to go...so much to deal with...yet duno where to start and don't know how to...
it's madness...I just want to spend some time with her...


Let there be wind
Let there be rain
A lark and a dove
But oh please most of all
Let there be love!

My memory hits

The more my memory hits
The more the strain
The more shivers sent
The more exhausion sips in
And soon the weaker my legs are
The numbness flows
There I stagger to a stop
The feeling of collapsing
And down I go
My eyes shut into the darkness
And there once again
Reality sits in
The more my memory hits...

There is no running away...
What's strongly in me,
has been with me since time started
In April yes the beautiful sparks
the little bright light
shines as aways through and through
In joy in sadness in pain
then in joy in sorrow in pain
How the flow is and went
Yes...oh yes it still stays
and thus my memory hits...

My love..My dear, My darling...
Here my hands outreached...
how can I enfold you
with my wide open embracing arms...
Warmth I give
your sorrows I take
My tears I wish to wash away the sadness between us thereafter...
I awaiting...
here...I am...
right here waiting for you...

the remainding... the finding... the wonders...

Going through the day...
not wanting to miss the thing in my life...
esp the important ones... Min, then everything else.

I guess, things are just digging deeper into me...
The need to see her happy, but I'm wondering if I really am.
Anything that comes to mind, I'd just do...
not thinking if she would recieve it in the first place...just do...

I'm feeling her kinda numbness... which I feel that it's probably because of me.
I feel there is a need to spend some time with her...together...to do some stuff...
out of the campus compounds for a walk... just some quiet and lonely just the 2 of us kinda walk...
To have once again a good weekend, which I guess we didn't have a chance to have since we started again...
we were both filled with stuff to do in the weekends that it's never left alone for just the both of us.
And I hope that with this coming week 'break' I'd put some time off to be with her. doesn't matter where ...just be.

I feel my crawling for her... the need... the yearn... the lack of her...
And I just want to make up for the lost times...the times we lost and thus an outcome that I never wanted...

I love her...
Baby... I hope you know...
I hope that you'll be happy...with smiles and joy to be back with me...
I love you...!

Remember I can't
of memories I was last well rested...
probably the only time was...
oh yes I do know when
The most important to my living sanity
she was there...
Those were the moments I just dissolved
Right into the arms of her...
Felt nothing but pure comfort.
Now, I just want to keep my life
hitting a pause...a direct coma
holding still everything that's in bombardment
completing myself once again.
It hasn't been...oh no it sure hasn't been at all
that I know for the past few days at least
I was empty... now I'm beginning to be filled up once more
I thought I was at a lost...
was smashed at the sight or the knowledge of the way things are...
And how I dealt with it all...
I just want to daze through the afternoon with you
flowing in my poetic mind once more...
It's been just for you...
only has
Just as my heart
for you alone and nobody else.....


Feeling sad at the way things were...and how things went through for the passing days...
Many people asked me why and what happened... for the while I didn't dare say...in fear of bursting...
with eyes bleeding tears of love lost...
But having spoken to a few close friends...guys and girls alike...
Wanted to have a different perspective of my life and how things were...
I couldn't just take a view for it... I know how naturally friends are.
They side you very much... If I'm wrong about how things were...I'd like to know and not being covered up.
I want to know the complexity of love...of r/s...
It's important to me just as it is in wanting to work this r/s well...to keep it...
To fight and win over the sense of numbness...
I'll put in even my last second...or my last penny on this...
Coz'...I realised... the effects of how words are can be at wrong times...
Regardless of how adult you intend to deal with it.
I realised that men in general are just naturally stupid pigs in love...
I know too.... that I didn't use to be like this... I knew what to do...I always did..no matter how
and now yes right now I want it all back...I want all that abilities back...
God take away my sensitivity to the other world or the visions that I really don't wanna see...
I just want back what humans call Romance...
I so that I may
Romance...in the simplest yet loving manner to the one who's dear to me.

Baby... I hope that you are able to see what you really mean to me... if not, at least slowly seeing some sparkles...

Like a vast green field with a budding flower...or the unending ocean with a brilliance of a growing pearl...

When it comes...it comes...

But please, wake me up... with a slap when needed to... save me for the clouding of the earthly rushes... pull me back to baseline. I won't let you go...
So please don't go..

Just saw my dear...
hoping to talk things out...
sigh...right after a whole day of stuff...
God it's really taxing...!!
I just want her to be happy...
Why can't I do that now?... Kenneth...out of the box thinking you must...
my mind is so cropped up! I can't stand it...how am I going to take this? I really don't know...
Somebody...help me!
SAve me! someone!
give me some leads!!!....

I've been cracking my dumb head all day...yet I can't think of anything...
sigh...

I've to do something and I want to do something....

=/
help me! someone!!

time, room, space

~~~~~~~~~~
I need a little time
to think it all over
I need a little space
Just on my own
To find my mental freedom
It's funny how quick milk turns sour
Isn't it?
You face looked like that for hours
Hasn't it?
Promises turn to dust
Beauty rings all to rust
trust to mistrust
but sometimes mistrust to trust
I need a little room
to find myself
I need a little space to find myself
Lips that promise
fear the worst
And tongue so sharp
the bubble burst
Now...
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To check what's wrong
to find truths and wonders
And I still love you.
I guess freedom and pamper
you wanted bad
placing your decision
It's yours in you hands
Well I hope you're glad
So what if
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To think it all over
to want to work it out
your doors tightly shut
you called it off....
What am I to you now?
where I stand?
I'm guessing...
it's the feeling...
Totally...
right now...
simply nowhere...
Do you really want us at all?
Wasn't it strong enough?
With a series of quarrels and stumbles...
And now to end, it was all...
Such easy thing to say...
When you took me deep
so deep to love you...
just to smash me up there after...
and with mistakes
you didn't allow me alter...
Aches...pains...
a 2nd day without you
just to form a chain....
``````````

Pain grows without you...

A part of me is thinking, she may just want me away from her now...
I guess she might want to end us for good... from the tone she gave when I went upstairs to try talk to her.
I duno. And with the fact that girl friends intervention in relationship issues, usually don't help much...coz they support on side only and overall...
But anyway it's all her choice... she chooses to believe in them and whatever things they say I guess I can't control...

I guess I'm just never the guy who gives the cinderella setting or fairytale I might say to girls...
coz maybe I'm just too practical and that maybe also...at the moment I'm more looking for a life partner...someone to stay with for long and I'd want to clear things up...likes, dislikes and stuff...issues to handle dealing with security feelings... anything...
Once done, fully understanding the other would then be possible...
And I wanted that with her...
I'm not sure if there is any more thinking thru on her side now...
coz once again I'm seeing the hot, pissed, angry girl in her...that I saw before...
I never saw why is it so difficult for her to forgive when I could do that for her case?....
Am I not special enough to her as she said I was?...
Being special is really about making her exclusive to me...
There isn't any girl taking pics beside me on a close less than shoulder length away...
There isn't me going out with any other girls unless just old time friends and yet going out in a large group...
There totally isn't... and my time surrounded what I had to deal with in my life and her....basically that...
That's exclusive... a call is all it takes to take me out of it...just tell me she really needs me now and I'll be down there...
but I guess that's not what she was looking for in a guy... I have to think on my feet aside all the other things I've to handle...
And my pampering is nothing compared to her so many guy friends...
people have seen and heard what I've been capable of and how generous I can be in special occassions...
and esp those times when I could afford the full time and money...
But now...being limited...I just deal with what I can give...
Is that not good?...
I'm seriously in big questions...
Baby darling... I really love you and thus I gave you the exclusiveness that makes me different from other of your guy friends...
I dun do the things I do for any other girls...
Yet, your photography friend was chosen above me too...and you can say it's your friend....what about mine?
Do I have no feelings?... I'm not robot not made of steel...only human...
I asked certain questions...my insecurities weren't because I didn't trust...but rather I wanted you for long and I want that affirmation from you... you didn't have to show me much...just tell me...just say it. And it's so difficult for you to do that.
I don't remember a day I forgot to say 'I love you'
I don't remember a day I don't affirm our relationship...
"Maybe you are better off with other guys?" the question that was a hit on the score boards...? well how about answering that as "It's you I'm better off with" ?
confidence in a relationship requires time to build... it's not like some few weeks thing...
And asking questions and talking about issues openly makes the difference... I realised that since the last time we broke up.
I made the change...I decided I must talk to you about everything I'm going through...anything that I'm feeling... I can't lie to you... and just be frank...telling you the truth...but did you handle it well?
Or should I just simply handle it myself and keep you away from it all like the past? And at the end of it when things blow up and you come to know about it...the problem becomes lack of communication...
Before I even decide on any activities, I considered you... put aside the responsibilities I held and promises I made to friends before any commitments were laid down...
I always thought that would you be doing or would you need me around at that time?...anything...
If you think the normal guy friends would do all those for you...I really have no case to fight... but they are doing what they do simply coz' they are interested in you...
On the contruary, I was willing to be there for you even when I was just a friend to you after we broke up and mending my wounds... kept trying different means to find out how you were...
how you were feeling.... if you needed emotional support.
All these...can't be held...can't be touched...
but are these not valueable enough or at all?
Are you going to tell me the other guys do all that for you too?...
At the end of the day I would be the one kneeling down on bended knees putting pride aside from the relationship to ask for whatever forgiveness or ask to be taken back...
But both times I see a cold face looking at me with no expression... unaffected... telling me to go away or "Don't want to hear from you"...
But yet even so, I still come back...
Why?...
Is this not love?...
is this not love, that whatever the case is I'm still beside you and coming back to you?
If not what is it?
Till this point I'm still on the fight and not giving up inside me...
to want you back...
but if you are going to put a blockage in you... saying that you aren't going to react to anything I do...
You are basically telling me that there is no point doing anything coz' anything I'm going to do, isn't going to make a difference until you really have sorted things out and cooled down.

I hope you really take some time to think things through...about us, what we've been through...what it really means to have a guy loving you...

Not just for me, but for yourself too...

I sent you the song "that's all" sang by Rod Stewart, Michael Buble and Adam Sandler...
I meant every thing and every words in it..."all I have are these arms to enfold you...and a love that time can never destroy..."
"Grow old with you"...? I meant the lyrics too... did you?
Maybe before sending anything in future, we should find out if it's really what each of us truely mean.
Coz' to me, it's important...to mean it when you are giving something...not for the sake of romance. Coz' pure romance will soon die off leaving nothing on the surface...

Sigh...I really want to with me...even now..
as I sit on my desk typing in tears...
I need you coz I love you...never was it the other way round.


If you can't understand that,
I'd just shut up next time...

Up and down from 2nd to 4th I go...
wanting to see her so much...
but yet she ain't alone...
why is there is stoppage?...
what's stopping me?
am I not a person who knows no fear?
Why the fear of the past?
Why the fear of her not alone?
Why then the fear of walking right in?

why why why?

Coz I fear I might say another set of wrong things?
of turning crazy?
being madness and tearing in front of her again?
What what what is it?

I'm lost and all alone...
long before I used to think
that I could make it on my own...
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
And I need you back to stay.
I wondered through the night...
to search the words to make it right...
With you here close to me
All I really want is just the way it used to be...
I've got to make you see,
I'm really lost without your love...
seems that life without you isn't worth the trouble of...
and I really love you with all my heart...

A day in gloom and darkness

The day just went by…
Woke up with a morning sigh.
I felt empty…
It wasn’t hungry nor mindless
But rather a heart that has lost
A very great and valuable thing.
Month’s time went by,
Started with the beauty and warmth.
But once again losing my senses
With so much to deal with…
But holding so little resources.
My mind is lost…
So lost deep inside you.
You didn’t know,
Maybe coz’ it was simply
More emotional that material.
Something intangible can’t proof anything.
Well that’s only human to think that way…
I can’t help it,
likewise found it hard
to simply keep my darn mouth shut.
Blurting out things that hit you so hard.
I guess I broke it.
The very outcome I never intended for.
Especially to you, the person I’ve always wanted more.
And then as I walked to laboratories one after another
There was no drive in me to go for the next
Constantly dragging myself like to ground I was fixed.
I haven’t been sleeping well
With so much in mind
Like I’m trapped in a prison cell.
Locked up in a place of my own,
Pondering over matters over issues
Over studies over projects…
The wretched student’s life.
For a moment in the afternoon,
Three twelfths off half day gone…
My mind went blank…
For the moment, I saw darkness…
I was calling out yet nobody could hear me.
My body and mind felt heavy…
And the head was bruised on the back…
Physical pain was it…
Flowing into numbness…
Climbing then into consciousness,
I found myself in an unfamiliar place
With people in robes and in white swifting around me…
Blurred in my vision.
Then clearing up, a hospital I was…
Apparently my mind shut off after quiz and the migraine sparked
A blackout in my entire consciousness.
I can’t remember where I was last.
Things happened so fast,
I could hardly feel it…
But the pain resides… just kept coming.
Cabbing back, all I had in mind
was to have You by my side.
I need you…
I love you…
Would you be prepared to forgive me?
Let us start all over again…
Where the bliss came
The warmth enfolded us…
Bring us smiles
And me, pushing away all that’s hurting
All the past for a fresh anew…
I love you darling…

My mind's a mess...
Heat is all fired up...
Things are going in a swirl...
The taste of bitterness...
A dash of sourness...
give me a solution
I need to fill in the blanks...
does pain come hand in hand?
A good buddy of love?
The deeper I go...
I deeper I feel...
A new figure
A sudden consistency
Brings a new threat...
seemingly not
but I'll never know.
I know one, but not the other...
I'm trying to deal...
dealing with it right now....

I was.....

Happy,
jealous,
smoked,
mentally drained,
but yet definitely in love...

a mixed set of feelings all in a simple day...

But the only thing I just sit and wonder... if it's right to feel jealous at all...

I'm not sure how to react....not sure what to say....
Maybe it's something that I should just brush off and not bother about...
Or maybe I deserved it after the heart break I caused and things are just imploding down upon me...
I don't know.

But after taking a nice warm shower at the end of the day... returning to my residential cubicle...
I decided... yes...I am jealous...
Probably a guy's thing but then...maybe it's just me.
somehow, I don't feel much at ease... It's not the matter of trust... but I just have the feeling that is scratching at the walls of my mind...
Keep quiet and reconsider the need of feeling so...
or just open up and see what happens next?...

Well, life is full of unexpected stuff...isn't it?...well, when it comes...just deal.
Argh!...whatever...back to my notes and books!

Project testing....test test test....lab lab....
and what in the world did I never expect actually happened?
I electric shock twice in a day!!! damn it!
Stupid test partner kept forgetting to earth something and when I connect the mains I had to be the recieving end of his shit!!

fortunately for some small fuses and a circuit breaker to lower the impact or....I'm just a fried piece of NTU crap
With that hitting twice...I'm actually feeling weird...

oh well...
The high part of the day was yet seeing and supporting my baby in her dance performance....THE NEXT WAVE!!!

She did well...
everytime I see her dancing or in any dance, I'll just sit there...smile and feel good.
leaving me mesmerized...
hmmm.....

Whatever she feels about her performace, I still feel it was a good set...
Good work dear!

What a day it's been

Oh what a horrid day had just passed....
really takes alot of optimism to get through....
worked real hard on some proj proposal presentation and at the end of it
got shot down right in the face...leaving my team shocked in silence.
Now instead of a load off our back...it's a load one up to us...
madness...as if studying engineering isn't bad enough...

been rushing the day through with Design assignments and stuff....it's real madness this week's been. argh....
rushing off for work on the many days and all ends up into nothingness....all the say is..
"Oh it's ok....it quite alright..." or "Oh no I don't think so...You narrowed your scope too much...don't focus into blah blah blah..."
And that's it... effort = so such a comment at the end of the day. WTF!

I miss Moi Minzie...so near yet so far...she has a quiz nearing...don't wanna disturb her yet want and yearn for her so much...
Think she needs some time to simmer down on our issue then I'll step in to do the emo stuff...like sayang her...chat chat with her and things like that.... Just wanna go to her a give a little peck on the cheeks...

Sigh...guess its gona be yet another lonely night for me...hugging myself to dreamland...arms doing a self wrap crossed hand..

=/

Teething?....moi?

Oh no...
Me on second second growth of teeth?
First the itching gums...
then next the "bite around" habit.
Shoot! I gotta get this crap off me!
I nimbled here and nimbled there....
Simply nimbled everywhere...
Unfortunately... chanced upon an injuring nimble
On my babe...
Just gotten her all fumed up and upset!

It's been a bit terrible thing all gone wrong...
Away with this habit...
And me stop chewing like carrots to rabbits!

Argh!!

What am I feeling today?...
emo crappy or is it physical literally crappy?
Guess, my treshold for anger is gona become and issue,
as the time of mental war draws near...
I wish not it comes...
It's pure headache, pure rage, pure lost in the mind of confusion and pain...

Even I'm not sure what I'm feeling today...
at a blur... into something I can't define....
can't determine...
Work stress?... handling too many things at a go?....bad combination of modules and stuff?
I don't know...clueless
WTF....

Anyway...
tummy was crappy today too...
total 8 visits to drop zone within 2hrs....making that about every 15mins I had
so say hi to the stinking bowl....
ouch! like my bottoms are smokin'...
Maybe sitting on ice would jut be good....numbing me of everything...

Oh what life is....

Life's been good
only the professors are giving me a headache with all their teachings...
imagine they are clueless themselves on why some subects are designed....
So much for NTU being a world class university.
Damn it....the world should come to know of this.

The craziness of the school....teaching for the sake of teaching without having to spare a thought for those
in the course of studies...what kind of difficulties they suffer under.... why some have problems understanding
certain things in the course...

Nver thought that it was solely due to their lack of ingenuity for some proper design of an undergrad engineering course.

argh....!!!!!

Make me a channel...

It's been sometime since my last post...
busy with the start of school... So fast and a week has passed...
Time awaits nobody.

Somehow...the start of this new semester,
I feel many mixed feelings...
In a great wonder of the things going around me,
coming and going...
My fragile mind... bursting in me through and through sometimes.
Night runs or just in general runs are just so comforting
where I just look forward and every moment is about just myself.
I burn...like a heart without a home and a rebel with a cause...


A part of me has somehow changed through those difficult and trying times that hath just passed.

I'm look around for a life partner...building with me a family I call my own.
While I slog daily in the rat race for returns on the table...
I don't mind the slogging... just bring in the joy of offsprings...
Grannies of my dad's and mum's side have been mumbling in my ears about this issue... yes it's true, age is catching up for me and especially for them...
one of the eldest few in the family and pinned with the pressure of hope for them.


I realised and fully believed in a hymn that rings in my head or so very often...
really brings meaning to many things.... simple words with simple yet great teachings....

"Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring you love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.
.....
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
....
It's in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
and in dying that we're born to eternal life..."

Just a simple extract of a hymn...
brings me much peace, to know ultimately what comes around goes around...

Why fret so much when at the end of the day, things will naturally fall into place.

Smile to another day!

The start of a new semester...

School's just started... the beginning just hit off and time awaits nobody.
3am into the 2nd day and I'm sitting right here... clueless... about certain things...
about myself and what phase I'm into now.

It feels as if I understood alot about myself through this whole holiday that has just passed...but yet there are complications clouding me here and there...
And my insomnia...not helping at all. Just prevents my sleep and I'm starting to talk strange... act strange... feel inhuman...
totally robotic.

But the only good thing I realised that my shot gun temper went away somehow.
My bursting anger just dispersed into nothingness...
Not that I don't have temper but it's just like very controlled...
maybe reverting to the way I was when I was way younger...
a cycle?...hmmm

oh well.... putting off that rage is a good thing anyway....

Too much things happening in my life these days...maybe should I say, it's during this short period of 3mths.... big changes....decisions... people coming in and out... lots of these kind of stuff...
What I once had in focus is now no more... I gave it up coz knowing it's not the kind of life I want to lead. having it for that short period was enough to realise it. With it came losing myself, my love, my time, my sleep... and yet out there lies a probable opportunities. the 4 things above were important to me...with them and only with them I'd have a free mind.

Having letting it go now... leaves a space somehow inside me...in question what my next step would be...
to hit off straight into IT sector? and be my creative designer and live my hobby dreams? or go into the marketing sector where I know my ability to network and deal or even manage people would be there?
Having offers all over the place...wanting to give me a start of a good 5 grand even when I've not finished undergrad studies....temptation but holding on to myself for that, I knew i must finish this crazy EEE course.

Sigh...anyway... a good run puts away all these for the moment...relaxing me for awhile at least...

As of now...I only know, putting a smile on everyday, makes everyday better and easier to get through...
Even through conflicts and stormy situations...
I guess I'd just live on that for the moment....

tired tired tired...so tired...

Freshmen Orientation camp is very much around the corner....WoooHoo...
this whole thing is killing me. Need to get it over and done with. Have so much to do but with so little time!
Since I got out of SIA I've just been busy running around...doing administrative stuff and things like that....
this is crazy...

Everything got so crazy that I didn't have time to breathe....but it's good to know that through my exhausion....the insomnia is fading....but I'm getting really physically tired and maxed out.

Just last night...I found myself rather cornered....
Things needed to rush and be on time but yet there seemingly no way out....
had problems with T-shirt printing....and banner printing.....can't get them done on time...
I was turning mad....mad mad....
was praying so hard for answers....
And suddenly answers did come in....hahaa....
emails of solutions coming through....people asking if I needed help....
from msn....sweet and wonderfully helpful angels just offered to go all the way to check things out for me.....
And most of all my buddy room mate got me off the headache of the banner print just in a moment....the resourceful person he is. What would I do without these great people....
saving my sanity....hahaa....

need rest....need rest....

Funny how things are.

Just returned to the hostel from a whole afternoon til night outing with a whole group of dudes from the medical circle. Funny how it's like... having to hear the complains about life from the other side ie. the doctors. It brings me to a different perspective altogther and it's seemingly fresh to view life in a different angle. It's a pity after all the studies they've gone through just to complete their studies in medicine, they come to the medical industry to slog so much in hospitals...or to complete some bonds they are tied on to.

I guess life itself is crazy in every way. So much for Yin and Yang where everything comes to a certain balance....in this case, where is the balance? All the time, effort, money into studies and afterwhich pushed out to be 'slaves'... while on the other hand, there are those who barely study and didn't go through much education...they are the ones who make it big and are living in the life of riches. Madness isn't it?...

Well, I won't say much coz I haven't exactly hit my big point yet. In a short time I will and hopefully by then I might have come up with my great plan to kick start some system where money rolls in on one side like an automatic vending machine while I just take on a fixed and relaxed job...just to pass time, and leaving me spares to set up the family of my own...
Damn it....I'm just dreaming. But dreaming is good isn't it?... where there is a dream, there is creativeness and leading to innovative outcomes and thus a point of challenging myself to take charge of my plans. Success is then the ability to attain what was seemingly impossible in the past....isn't it?... =)

Dawn...
knowing her is like knowing the very first friend since the very day I was born....hmm..well maybe 2hrs later. hahaa...
It felt like it's been ages that I've known her but yet took me 25yrs of my life to understand her because, it's only now that we started catching up...hmm well since I don't know what to start.
We did meet in the past, but what would 5yr old toddlers know about socializing then?.... how to throw around rattles and screaming our heads off while running about the whole place?
She is simple, yet an amazing person. Interesting I guess... somewhat similar to me yet different...but there was something that was common between us....I'm not too sure what it is besides our liking for 'Superman'. Though after so darn long, we finally met up through our parents keeping contact with each other... it felt like meeting another stranger but yet knowing already so much about her.
Funny huh... haha...it is definately strange how things come about...

Oh well...another day has passed...and into another beginning of the weekends!
I'm gona try sleeping once more and if I fail....I'd be just closing my eyes to rest them as usual..
What's new. An everyday routine... I need to find my switch and turn myself off, disconnect from the energizer battery that has been feeding me the power that keeps me awake all 2-3months long....
I'll try....just try....

~The pain I'm having
The very thing that restricts me
To do what I want, I can't...
Oh The striking sensation...
That makes me lose grip
That I can't keep hold of myself
The pain I'm having...
The pain in my wrist...~


Some times as I go through my day...
disturbing thoughts run through my mind.
I've got 3 in mind. 3 possibilities. Choosing any of them would mean a different life
I'd lead altogether. Time is just racing... I can't catch up. But what I want seems to be a combination of the 3 and every one of them.
This is crazy... wrecking my brains coz of this...but who can control it some times...?
Nobody...

just something for the day....

Something was ringing ringing in my head today....
just some words...
just something I'd like to pick somebody...
somebody worth...I'd feel worth saying this to....
from a simplistic Me..

~I can only give you love that last forever
And a promise to be near each time you call...
And the only heart I own,
for you and you alone that's all.
All I have are these arms to enfold you
and a life time can never be strong....
If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear....
You'd be glad to know that my demands are small...
Say it's me that you adore,
for now and ever more that's all...
That's all...~

=)
Just something for the day....

alittle spot of confusion?....me?....

Life is such a wonder...
Many things lie around to ponder...
small stuff
medium issues
or gigantic matters that could leave one drowning in tissues.
My heart my mind a certain song they sing...
The very same one...
finally in sync.
Telling me of which way I should go,
but yet something is there to block me....
to stop me....
to think twice...
But now...
Sitting here remembering when
i felt a gush of wind that swept me off
when I started to notice the beauty within...
that I never use to see or bother to notice
The way I felt just by being close...
racing pulse..Ohhh....
My stomach's in knots
with thoughts in my heart....
but standing between my thoughts
of making a move forward
and to just keep a safe distance....
would be the friendship...
the very thing that bonds us yet...
the very thing that stops me from
reaching forward what my mind and my heart sings out for...
Making declarations I yet dare not say...
it's been a problem.. and a problem it could be...
I guess give it time...
time will tell...
my mind and heart in time will spell...
(hmm....if that's going to be anyway possible...)

Decision!

Yesterday.. was a day of a big decision...
Would somehow change my future and what I expected all along.
But I was prepared for this day, though it felt alittle lousy but,
it's something that has to be done. Probably for something better.

I gave up the thought of fighting for my scholarship.
I decided to let this scholarship go as I felt I didn't want this kind of life in future.
It wasn't really for me and I felt that I should be in a more fast paced job and
something that gives me satisfaction. Just being on attachment alone, it made me realise that
By stepping into the very office I'd call my future, I was lost self time, due to travelling... givent he weirdest work structure I had to get things done at very odd timings too thus compromised on my self time and time with those I love. The scholarship was also a burden to me as I studied through my university so far... the pressure that was constantly bugging me in the head...and I can't really sleep well enough with a disturbed mind. Affecting so much in my life. I used to do better without it. Scholarship...or "Scholar" as they labelled me....was nothing but a student who had the ability to talk his way through and impress people in the interview. I merely just another student on bursary. Nothing else... nothing so special about it.

Now I've got a different goal in life....a new beginning and set a new waypoint to target for....

element of gloom

Yesterday...yesterday was good....but yet had an element of gloom....
Met up Sharon after ages of saying we will meet up to catch up but it's always me not having the time... Think I'm quite jialat... haha.. She changed quite abit in dressing, due to work she has to I guess, but somehow felt her style and the patterns she didn't really change much actually.
Great to catch up some times...!

Gloom, Min's granddad just passed away in the afternoon at about 4.30pm... told me she cried...
cried hard and yet her relatives due to buddist beliefs didn't allow her to cry. Alamak...how to control this kinda thing?... madness...
I felt bad not being able to be there to comfort her in person. Had already left back for the airport. Should've stayed around the hospital alittle longer. sigh...

Reminds me of the time when I had to watch over my late grandpa as he lay on the hospital bed....fighting to live...just to wait for the return of my Auntie and Uncle from Australia and NEw Zealand. But they didn't make it in time. When the priest blessed him and told him that everything will be fine...And to rest in peace that everyone there will be fine and well.
And that his Sons and daughter would understand...
With that...he breathed his last...
I broke down...
was very painful to have him leave us, yet happy that his suffering ended...
And I guess it should've been the same for Min's grandpa too....

The night after my grandpa passed away... I experienced something unusual...
and the funny thing was that all his Sons felt it too.....

~ I close my eyes and there in the shadows
I see a bright striking light,
your light
You come to me out of my dreams
Across the night...

From this day on
I'm still certain I'll never be alone
I know what my heart
have always known
that my grandpa's love has a power that's all it's own
For us all there's no time and no space
No barrier that the family's love won't erase
In our hearts you will be
And for always, forever
you're raised up high
And for always
we will go on beyond goodbye.~

Per Te Canto alla vita

"I sing to life for you"...

Life's good...just fine...
good time working out...
coldplay was cool and good though I was so darn tired while at the concert after all the work I've been through...

Attachment is gona end soon! can't wait... was considering going to phuket, thailand for a couple of days to take a break...hmmmm.....should I?...hahaaa.... but it's quite abit of cash needed there..esp when it's one of the most expensive place to go to in thailand...
surprisingly Bangkok isn't as expensive...

But whether I go or not, doesn't matter....most importantly is that I get time to do my stuff!....
just relax...chill by the beach...tanning...work out...free my mind before the semester starts...
Most of all...make the Insomnia go away!...need to be human again!...damn it...hahahaa
feels really inhuman not sleeping and stuff like that... it's crazy...

..........

Sleepless nights
spent struggling
In and out the meander of my mind
in endless explorations;
Endless considerations
all so spreaded
as the million twinkles in the sky;
The thirst for knowledge
or unending queries
has kneeled at my need of sensations;
And life's bittersweet memories
like dark chocolate
Erase all powerful thoughts
leaving my soul
trying in exhausion;
Darkness leaves
with the first strike of the sun
and warmth fills my skin;
I remember then
that I needed to sleep,
but it's a beginning of a new day;
12 hours of the sunny ray
how I'm gona spend it I don't know
tonite rest and sleep,
I'll see how it goes....

Irritated!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~DAmn...
I think some people are just born to irritate...
I've gotta fumigate
Get out!
Move out!
Ship out!
I don't need you here..
Trying to ask me a question
yet wanna just act smart
you know you seem like a freakin' retard...
I can't stand you
Blood damn fool!
Wassup with you Botak!
You just wanna get farked?
Are you crazy?
Don't waste my time here...
So just get hell out of here...
Argh! ~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn the darn other SIA scholar... what's in the world with him?
Trying to claim some credit after having no idea how to get around doing some stuff and getting it done with my help?... Or maybe don't know crap about what's going on but yet want to show he knows something thus ask stupid questions?....
Having been through a rough and busy day and the last darn thing that I'd like to have was him to walking up to my face asking pointless questions....of no relation to whatever urgent problem we were dealing with. "Oh just for general interest" he says....
how about asking my ass such kinda question when I'm deep in thought to rectify serious problems....answer you with a fart damn shit!...
You are freakin' going 24 right now...stop acting like a retard and work!...

Freaky tuesday

Freaky!!! Freaky tuesday morning!
took the morning train towards cityhall today...on the way to work...
first of all, leaving my house 5mins earlier than the norm got me to work at 7.45am instead of the normal 8.15am....
second.....
coming out from the north-south train and into the open doored east-west train, as I took my first step into the train I had 4 of my friends names just striking in my mind like a sudden lightning bolt striking a lone tree...
But that wasn't the main thing.... the best part was....immediately when I turned my head to the left side of the cabin, looking at the cabin connector area, I saw friend number 1 (shall not mention any names here....)....said hello and stuff like that and since my journey was going to be a long one, I found a seat and sat straight in it. Just thento my right was my friend number 2 and on the opposite left was friend number 3. And I never knew that they actually worked at the places the train was heading to. I was already shocked enough but still sceptical....
I messaged my friend number 4....whom I was kinda going to meet back in office...to see if he was in the same train to confirm my gut feeling...but he didn't reply me. Probably reading newspaper or sleeping in the train....
When I got to office, I saw him and he exclaimed.. "Aye Kenneth, how come I didn't see you?....I was in the same train lah...where were you standing in the first place?"
Just then....I knew, what I felt....wasn't just something of the norm....
Somehow... I knew 4 of my friends were in the same train as I....
Freaky.....still thinking about it til now.....hahaa...

all in a day's work!

Phew a hectic day just passed!
fortunately!
Tired...
Went around the office to guide in some concepts regarding Microsoft excel and access usability and how to make certain analysis fast and easy even if it mean dealing with few 10s of thousand data... Coz somehow I managed it about few weeks back, thus shocking myself and people around.
Hahahaaa...actually it's nothing great just some way of looking at the application in a different perspective and making it work better for you. Moreover, in the office I'm a lazy guy....and being lazy, brings about creativity and thus the automation of many routinal processes.

And so the day went by dealing with all those stuff and writing my so so long attachment report which until now I don't think I can finish it fast enough.
Also not forgetting FOC!....Wah that was the feat!
But at least everything is seeing light...
the best thing for the day was to find out that all my efforts for fighting and reasoning with NTU for the sake of my FOC members to stay in the hall wasn't in vain...for now all those hitting the overal gross points in my committee can stay! and for those 5 whom I fought in the appeal... all of them were successful in the weeks of negotiation. Real tiring...but oh well, the good returns for me in this is the good feeling of helping and on the other hand I get their loyalty in FOC assistance. Hard work pays off afterall!

what is love?...anyone have an answer for that?... I don't, but I'd try...

Another day of salsa!
nice!...beginning to enjoy it though there were screw ups while in class...
like don't know how to do the steps...or can't remember the steps..
stuff like that... hahaaa...
damn...I didn't know I had a cultural side of me...hahaa...oh well.

Today there was this one friend of mine.... called me for a meet up...
had some problems with relationships...but damn, it's not like I'm anyone good to give great advice
coz I've been failing in that sector too, but i guess he wanted someone to listen and talk to about it... and so I was there. His first relationship...fallen...
Asked me what love was...
and while talking about that, I said some stuff that just came out from the back of my mind. I probably never had it on spotlight and kept reminding myself...
I said..." My friend... Love is passion and obsession. An understanding between two... and the sharing of each other's lives. Sometimes I'd find that I myself am confused if I do like the person to start with... and then I found, I always wanted to keep the person close to me, keep the communication going, reach out to the person regardless of any returns, care for her. Sharing any form of pain she's in... and I didn't realise it 'til the person leaves for awhile...just awhile, and then I saw myself missing her. That those moments got me thinking... and the probable answer did put a smile on my face. And if in anyway, I could see the two of us being together....that's when I know I've fallen in love....that's what love is. Though it gives pain, heart breaks... so much that you'd probably just want to let go of everything when it all feels unbearable and you tell yourself you don't want to go through all these again. But love to me, is such that if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Even at the start, before you even take the first step into the relationship, you'd probably be worrying about rejection. Think again... you'll be sorry if you didn't give yourself a fair chance by not asking. People are way different in love relationships compared to being just friends... So don't give up on love, it doesn't give up on you, it never does... the pain you suffer will be worth it. At least you gave yourself a chance if all things failed, but you will always learn to be stronger and better in the next."

Shit...Those words....from me?... hahaa or was it from some higher being speaking through me?
I was astonished by the belief of mine being put forward... to a friend who felt like giving up.
But truely, what I said...applied to me... looking into the past, it was all exactly how I thought things to be...just didn't realise it as it all just went on flowing into my life....

oh well....Maybe all the free time I've been having...just gotten me to find myself... understand myself more...and realise more things about myself....
hahaa...

total body mantainence day!

Starting off early in the morning.... meeting my two buds...Paul and Richmond for workouts...
track running, gym and swim... hahaa...seems like a total body mantainence day!
Had to get those 2 going into some exercise soon anyway...before i get way beyond the unhealthy limits...hahaha..
anyway...its all great!... It's been long since we did such kinda stuff like that together..
We thought that it'll be good to do this every weekend!
Get healthy!

Later, it's salsa time again too!...hahaha...



~Right after touch down...
The first thing that came to mind
was to chuck all my stuff behind
leaving then in the office
And finding you...
To see you off...

Felt excited for you
Felt happy for you
and though you said
glitches sprang up at the last minute
but yet I could feel
deep in you that's so real...
That you were happy that the day has come...
for you to relax and have fun.

It was great to see you after long...
'til you come back...
Max brenner here we come!...~

Don't.......

Sometimes we find comfort in being there for others....
For the special ones...
this I write...is to those who are in pain....
in pain that I can empathize...and thus wanna help get over with....
as I've gone past that stage of being in a ditch...

~Don't cry dear
your heart is in good hands.
As you leave your troubles,
to travel to a distant land.
Don't worry dear,
'coz your tears will soon disappear.
Kill the pain you will,
and stand tall without fear.
So keep standing dear,
'coz I won't let you fall,
believe it I'd be there in person or at all ears
with just one call.
I won't let you down,
with my care and all the faith,
you'd probably forget how to frown.
So smile, smile your sweetest smile dear,
release your beauty from within.
Destroying troubled past,
and let the future begin.
Be sad no more dear one,
'coz with this you see...
you know you can always...
simple count on me. ~

For the one who was there when i had fallen...

~I shed a tear that day
feeling it slowly flowed down and away
silently it fell down my cheeks...
by the strike of chance
you were there
you caught it
you shared it
and wiped it away...
Then suddenly
the yoke wasn't so bad afterall
Thus the greatest gift
through these times
was someone,
a wonderful you
a warming friend
with an ear to lend
a hand to hold...
oh you, the greatest gift,
a heart of gold.~

what threw out may come back

oh man...I can't believe myself!
much earlier I got a pair of tix for the coldplay live concert to surprise Min...
At our break, in devastation and mental craze I threw them into the sea...
All gone right?...
well... not so...
Just had a call from a friend's friend 2yrs older than I, whom I met once before...
said she needed help...
needed me to be her date at her corporate party kinda thing... and in return... she got tix to coldplay concert she'd like to give me...so I'd go with out common group of friends instead of her...
Alamak!! wassup wassup wassup!
this is crazy...but sounds like good to me.
do the party thing get done with it and coldplay tix is mine again...boomerang back to me!
hahaa...but just one tix only lah....hahaa =)

Whoah!!!!

9:26 !!!

Today... I went to the National stadium...
Remembering the last time I walked along those roads....
it was kallang theatre that I came from...
had company... and was feeling great then...
while now it's just a lonely road... the one I have ever known...
Anyway, went there to run today... that's the main motive...
Felt I could beat my own timing and making improvements in my stamina...
did a 2.4km run the last time and recorded 9:45...
And now this time...I managed a new 9:26!!!
cool huh... after which I went to join in my friends free sparring session....even better....
it's like letting off steam from a day of work.
Phew..!! felt good.
Doing all these... whatever that stuck in the mind was just forgotten and the only focus was on what I wanted to do then....at that very moment...either to run or just on the opponent...
Adrenalin rush!
Felt like everything else didn't matter...
Felt like the only pain I felt was physical...
Everything made bearable...
it was good...
it felt good....
much better...

Just another few blocks of words... for the needy

~We both saw the world in black and white...
no colour, no light...
All the pain and hurt inside
getting over, together we might...
You find twisted logic in your life,
for you, solutions I'd find...

I know the hardest, oh yes the hardest part
was letting go, not taking part
I went through all these...
my heart, pain to feast.
Now I see you so broken down...
I'll be there to lift your frowns...

Let's not look back
Let's get back on track...
I'll hold your hand and pull you on
No matter how hard it is to get going on...
Life is too short to give up all
'coz of a fallen tree
In difficulty, in pain and in need,
Remember, look behind and there is me.~

blood boiling office day!

Damn...today some people were constantly trying to boiling my blood!
argh.... idiots!
This other person on attachment was getting on my nerves! damn shit!
Having know nuts about programming and file type conversion, bloody acting as if he knew what was going on...thus screwing up my computer programme and still dare ask me to relax 'coz he got the solution to his screw up.
Ass!....Can't believe it!
Don't know say don't know....don't touch and screw up my work! ARgh!!!!!
When I was done witht he conversion...pretending that someone else wants to know how I did it wouldn't help you find the answers boy!
And so I said..."If the technician seeks to find out how I did it... ask him to come find me personally and I put him on a crash course! enough said..."

Optimizing...If I must....going through some thoughts...

Taking some time off the night to think...
Think about the weekend that has just passed...
I guess no matter what had happened.
Pain?... hurt?... regret?...Failure?...
Whatever...
This weekend angled me to look differently.
All these bad stuff that brought me falling....
being in troubled waters and totally gotten me whacked,
however didn't exactly pushed me down straight to the ditch.
A new positive perspective...
In every calamity that I may face, with time and some serious thought...
I'd get only stronger... more hardy...
That should be the ME all along right?...
I've been an optimist back in the sporting days...
Can't I just apply it all in my life just like that?....as in the same mindset?
I know I can...

Dare to walk in..then I must dare to walk out easily... in confidence...
There are many things in life to deal with...why just get stuck on one issue and put everything else on a standstill? Gotta keep movin'...
relationships...sigh... she meant alot to me... I wanted to give her the best I could in time to come, but if in reality I don't mean shit to her, why force it in the first place?...
Just flow it through.... if it comes to and I am accepting, good... if it goes and never comes back so be it... let it be.
My love for her maybe there... but I'm getting numb... I don't know when the time limit is though...but,..hmmm...
in time if nothing saves it... it's just hit the spot of me just not wanting to cross the line anymore... too painful?...well maybe. See her feeling that it's so suffering being with me?.... well maybe... Whatever!
Just when that time comes... The feeling will just slice off...
If things are to come back in again...it'll really take some work to get it going... if that's even possible.
Anyway.... how long can love be when it's a one way street?... Don't know.. we'll find out.

I guess I've tried... let's just be...I'm too tired now.
Though I miss those times very much, but what to do....
Life isn't smooth. So just screw the expectations and just get myself moving.
ever cross each other again...hmm we'll see then.

AS for now...
I'm just gona sway myself through Capoeira and the very thing she wonderously inspired me to do...Salsa! Funny how things change huh... me and dance?...argh.. odd stuff but whata heck...willing try. It's all about the "scare myself once in a while" thingy right?....hahaha
But in a softer form...less dangerous...less aggressive...all in a different point of view.

Cheers!

I wasn't alone...

Today...I went to church,
after three weeks of not going or probably going with my mind not in the mass at all....
I was shocked to listen to what was spoken by the priest...
I went to there early today initially thinking of making my confession after ages...
however, I didn't 'coz I didn't really know what much to say.
But the only thing I knew was that I doubt my religion.... I had doubts in God.
For the past few weeks or month I've been in troubled waters and felt that there was no where to turn to. Whatever the case was...i felt alone. I was just roaming around...aimlessly.
Trying to find answers for myself that I felt God or anyone up there couldn't or doesn't seem to me helping me or giving me confidence and support... my whole consciousness was in distress...

As I sat by the bench in the church...I felt I needed to confess this whole doubting thing, and just then, the priest walked up to the alter to begin the mass....
The first words he said was..."Many times in our lives we are often hit by storms. And during these times, do we keep our faith on what we were told to believe through scriptures?... Or do we doubt God and question if he is even there with us to go through the pain we are experiencing...or the storms we are being hit by?... He has been there with you trying to give peace to you at all times..."
I was shocked...as this topic was running in my head throughout my sitting there and days before I even stepped into church....

Just that very moment...tears filled my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks...
It somehow felt that someone was listening to my calling...
I wasn't really alone as I thought I was...

Well I really don't know...but I hope so...


Anyway... I do hope Min is not holding against me for my regretting shot of words.
I guess I was being hard and sharp when that came out...
On second thoughts I could feel the pain saying it, but I've said it.
Argh... I've got my faults...she has hers...who was I to compare or judge...
Like I said, I'd just want the hands of time to turn and I'll just keep quiet and not say anything... though it won't improve anything but at least it wouldn't have worsen.
Today...on msn, Min dropped me a message but ended saying that she'd better go if not she would be called ridiculous and asked to shut up... somewhat like the whole issue of yesterday's.
There was a part of me happy to know that she messaged me coz I'd wish to embrace her in everyway...but of coz, I don't think that'll happen. Guess I would only if she is forward about it....anyway...
The other part of me felt the stab...stab not from her...but from myself.
sigh...

Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my regret
In anger, in fear
Even when there was tear
I said the sharpest words
like a boomarang it hit
and turned back at me it too did...
I don't know...I guess
I've gotten myself in such a mess
Min must be hating me..
I can feel though I can't see.
Who else can I blame but myself....
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my own regret.

I just pray that in time we just learn to compromise with each other... or maybe at least learn not to collide.

It's a shame what we've become
When we hurt the ones we love...
It's a place I don't wanna go anymore...

If she'd forgive me, I'll be contented.
I just want to say... I didn't mean to hurt... I'm sorry.

Some ordinary Sunday with a new activity...

First day of salsa beginner lesson...
well to begin with it wasn't in my line of activities at all,
but I guess I must say I kinda enjoyed it.
Instructor is important...and today's instructor was good.
got myself enrolled for the whole beginner's course instead of the
initial idea of just a one day tryout...hahaa...
looks like I've got a new social activity up coming!

That's the only highlight of the day I guess...
Other than that it's just nothing much... empty.
Took a walk in town after class and got myself some cool looking cuff links
with celtic designs...
Something that I can wear with any of the cuff link shirts.
Though the price wasn't cool at all I still got it... coz I liked it... enough said.
hahahaa....
So my process of changing my wardrobe has begun....bit by bit....can't do it all the way...
too much cost included... needs some time to do all that..hehe..

Arthur's wedding! congrats!

Just came back from a good friend's wedding....Arthur Foo...
Some big decision he has made...and I guess it's been a great choice!
his wife's great! They are just a wonderful pair I must say.
The whole wedding dinner thingy was great esp the video presentation... unique I must say
judging from my experience in event coord point of view.
Wow! I guess time is racing face for some of us...and for others...we just take out time and slowly move on with life.
The next great thing about this wedding was meeting up once again with my buddies from OCS...
the very guys who went through hardship with me...in all those trainings...the memories brought back.
Everyone leading different lives...and with some in the process of a marriage plan....Yes Jacky and Sharone!...the 2 long time love birds..
Some stuck in the army going all military once again and not forgetting those who are just starting in their new career...
Wow... how time flies...
We were once young and firing guns together and sometimes at each other in practice... running around in our camo attire hoping to merge with the forested surroundings....and the next moment...we find ourselves either in part time studies fighting in the books or in our own commercial war...fighting for a place in this world...
To truely and practically hit on surviving this rat race world.
But no matter what the case is... there was one thing common in all of us...
Brotherhood bonding...
Not the gayish shit...but rather a bond where it stays strong no matter what the case is.
no matter where we are...
We keep ourselves updated with each other.
There is always warmth coming back in gatherings.
The whole group of us.

Well...after just this night... my new life begins in a new thought...new perspective...
Yet in another, a whole new family planning hits off after a wedding...
while some to carry on with their lives in norm.

Whatever it is...Cheers! Cheers to wherever time brings us and brings unto us...
Good or bad...bring it on...!

Rage takes over... anger sips in...pain thereafter...

A morning, started with some bang
a good wish message I sent
But all I saw was her fang
I was harmless...
Just me to wish her well for the day.
But it got smashed
just like stinking trash.
She doesn't feel it
she doesn't heck it...
But I feel it deep...
The effect was steep.
Was it that I did wrong?

arguements...her rage
somehow managed to switch on on today...
anger, sadness and being pissed was all I could say.
I'm sorry but it all forced raging stuff from me
putting all out that people could see
I've regretted nothing...
no regrets being with her
or having loved her...
or having cared for her...
or having done everything or anything with her.
But I regretted saying what I said today.
My mind was clear...
but my raging point was near...
my greatest fear came true.
like no mind clearing process could ease me of it all...
the pain, the anger....it all kept inside...
I could hold it not.
I regret saying all those things to her...
asking her to shut up...
and blabbering about her self righteous shit...
Just wanna turn back the hands of time...
but I know I can't...
so what's the point of thinking.
I'm exhausted....I'm tired...
Just be...
She perceives things in her strange way...
I see it simplistic...
whatever...
says I'm sending her on guilt trip which I'm not
never intended to coz
there is no need with her like frost...
made me feel so cold that
I've even questions if she'd feel anything between us in the first place
so I'm not thinking...
never was anymore...
But if she thinks she has...
keeping the feeling deep in her...
then good.
in time then we'll see...or maybe not...
Time...the healer...
but my creator of shit...
I went crazy for her...
and yet crazy with her....
Just another painful day...
I may not be the only one feeling this today...
but if there isn't expression
of any fancy fashion...
how would I know... well I need not know
not now...
All I know..my baby I've been fond...
is now walked away and gone...


Oh whatever.....

What's with today? damn it...

It's been a realy rough day...
I believe this is happening.... all the shit. Got shifted off the travel and had to pass on all my materials and explain stuff to the person taking over. Getting home freaking late and all tried out.
Damn... for what?.... To get me to forget to tell her the change of plans that got me into this ditch today?
This is crazy...
And coz of that she's just thinking that all about the trip was a bluff. Can't believe it...
Didn't really wanna listen to my explanation after getting all pissed off through her SMSes...
And then said she don't care anymore.
What's the problem here now?... I didn't blow her trust or anything. Damn I missed her!...
If I could get near her I would.
Came all the way to the airport just hoping to get to see her an apologise to her...but I guess time and every FREAKING THING ain't on my side!.... I can't reach there in time at 11pm....carried on waiting anyway to see if she was alittle slow in coming out. But Alas!!...30mins passed 11pm. she's prob gone...and with me now...
feel lousy and with the crap day all over me...I'm sitting by the Macdonald's computer this very moment and writing this blog...
grab a cab later and get my ass parked home soon....
Argh....feeling totally ridiculous!

So much for coming over....with some roses for apology to her...what's the use?....damn it!

Sigh....a load of bull crap day!

non-disappearance

~A brief but peaceful period
When life promised,
Held out hope,
Warmed
We thought the corner turned,
Our dreams awakened,
Coming true...
Fulfilled.

But love's fire burned bright
For just a moment
Then quietly died...
Unfuelled.
Perhaps there was little to find
between the both of us, then
Shallow?...

Even so, I still miss you,
An ember remains
reminding me
of joy...~

Limbo

A sudden awakening in the wee hours of the morning...
for what reason was it?
I don't know...
But I hope everything and everyone's gona be fine...
Coz my eyelids gave twitches...
twitching with indications that something's gona happen...
But I'm too tired to find out and call the whole list...

Sigh... my mind's in limbo...
Wondering what should I do...
are things with me gona just stay this way
or will there be some improvements some day?..
I've been already broken...
Fallen...
I guess the only way would be up...
Just wait and see...

It's all just simple...

A stalk of rose was what I gave Min to start her day...
Regardless of how I thought she'd react in any way...
Delivered with a small note in it I say...
"I've been lonesome 'til numb,
missed you I have since the day we parted.
And all I have for company is pure imagination
and dreams"....


~Everyday I look forward to seeing you
A pretender I am to show that I didn't care.
My inspiration and obsession you are
My life with you I'd want to share.
I want to daze at your eyes
and whisper what I feel for you
and ever dreaming of your lovely smile
right before me that brightens my day!
Your pretty face I want to touch
To hold you close in comfort...
But yet...
I've got to realise that
In life's trickery being played upon me
I must accept that you don't belong to me...
Days will come and go...
My love for you, you'd never know..
And in time
Our different ways we'll go
And your memories of me
like a river it will flow
flow flow away into a forgotten land...
But for now... here I stand
Just looking forward to the day I'd just see you...~

gloomy

A very gloomy day today...
wet....cold...greyish clouds...
no sense of happiness felt from everyone in the office....
Stepping out of the house at about 5.45am trying to make it to work ASAP
today... didn't make it in time for the briefing
thus got freakin' skrewed today...
Giving me a wonderful start of the day too.... WOW! can you imagine...

I miss the days when coming to the east was basically a drive in me to do so...
A wanting....A thing to look forward to...
In the past, there was the surf I'd go for,
but now, where is the time for it?
And even so, I can't ever do what I used to be great at...
age?...well maybe.
Beyond that... A wonderful girl for me to care for...to love...
Where art thou now?
Disappeared?....like how she made crowds vanish when she's with me?
With her, I'd go to the most crowded places...
Coz with her...my world surrounds.
The stage play of life becomes just us
Nobody else but us walking through the scenes of our own...
She is constantly missed...

My head is burning....my heart is screamin' for her....
But yet she can't feel nor hear....

My time was for her...and is still for her...
Will she take it?...
Where is my stand in her now?... seriously just friends?
Everytime when I'm alone with nothing to do...
She comes to mind...
Even so...when I'm busy, but at least my stuff keep me at bay...
my head rumbles...my heart splits...
with hands outreach wanting to feel her,
to touch her...embracing and hold her hand...
but is that possible?...
Will there be?...
sigh... here I sit... lonesome...

Tired...

What a day it's been...
Reaching work so early in the morning...and getting out of office even later than normal...
ridiculous!
My mind just went for a shut down...
After speaking to the Div Vice prez, Uncle Chow, I learnt some valueable lessons concerning the field of engineering...
"The thing about engineering is to do wonders with simple ideas... a complicated product can be done by anyone"... and the explanation of the Tao symbol..."Everything in life goes in a cycle, balance in a circular motion... And in any peaceful and smooth flowing process there is an element of risk, yet there is always a spark of opportunity in the midst of adversity..."
Some cool teachings huh....hahaa....

Soon as I reached home, I tumbled down on my room floor and just went to a short session of deep sleep...
tired....exhausted....suddenly my body just let go of everything and shutdown...
Flashes of how I felt my break up uncontrollably struck my mind...
the feelings rushed in...and thus I write.....

~Simple joys, hopes and sorrow all at once break
like ripples on the shore of the deep and solemn river
where my willing feet firmly stood...
Oh I see you in my dreams
passing through my soul and then
leaving me, you went away...
leaving me incomplete...
And though our parting seems like yesterday,
daily life tries to soften of its bitter pain
and while learning this aching experience
I hope...
For the touch of grief
will render my nature more serene,
giving life to new aspirations,
a new trust in the unseen.
Hope and faith, born of my sorrow
pillars in my life they shall become
and the foundation on which they stand
shall be my heart.
Never have I felt wasted in any moment with you.
I'm not as good as you thought me to be,
But...
I've tired to do right...
And now it seems like it's too late to even try
to do better in your darling eyes.
It's a comfort yet to know that someone
has once loved me
only the way you did...
More than anything in the world,
I used to think I couldn't let you go...
Slowly I'm learning to feel I didn't lose you
and that you're more to me than before...
When and if you turn to me,
I won't fail you...
and if it's hard at times to be alone,
please remember that I've not forgotten you...~

why is it so difficult?...

Why is it so difficult to let down what you've picked up once before...?
Realising my very state of mind... realising the situation I am in...
I find that my shattered heart can lie to myself no more...
the more I think about it...the more I'd wish for her to be by my side...
now it has reached a stage where I don't know how to express myself when I see her...
coz I'm not sure how to....I've been too used to treat her with affection...
as a friend...beside me... I try to hold back all my actions of affections towards her...
such that my muscles simply cramp at pose not knowing what's the next full action to be...
body confusions....

~Oh gentle winds beneath the moonlit skies
Do you not hear my heart cries?
Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
Do you not hear my woeful screams?
Upon meadows, touched with dew
Do you not see my heart's a'skew?
And under the vast skies of million stars
Do you not feel my jagged scars?
My heart...
Scattered across the moonlit skies
All with heartfelt sighs
Drifting in the gentle rain
A symbol of my silen pain
It's lost among the stars this night
Too far to ease my quiet fright
Oh no gentle winds
seek not my heart
For very simply....
It has...
I am...
my gentle heart...
has torn apart...~

My dedication...

As I sat down by the windy beach side...
The breeze and the rushing of the waves...
then a little white dog came by...
reminded me of the day when you and I first came to the beach
with a little dog too...a little white dog...
somehow u keep coming to mind... somehow there's something
left attached to you...
My heart... and thus I write....

~The sky can collapse on us
and the earth can cave
Little does it matter to me if you love me
My surrounding disappears...

As long as love flood my morning
As my body will quiver beneath your hands
Problems matter so little
My dear 'coz you love me...

I'd go through and way pass my limits
To the ends of the earth
beyond the sights of the horizon
if you asked me to...

To just be for us...
perfect for you for me
taking things on a slow
one step at a time...~

"I wouldn't say that I can't live without you...
but I chose not to...
No matter how much it takes..."

minzie cuts

just passed midnite..
Min got a cut on her foot...
Didn't hear the SMS comin' in while I was on the way home...
I was worried when I got to know about it.
the very next reaction was to get out of my house and see how she was

maybe I'd just go down and see her tomorrow... or maybe get her some chee cheong fan too...
her craving for that. But that depends on what time work is done for me...
Hope it's just a cut...nothing more than that...

Today I just told myself....
Kenneth, just be spontaneous in what you wanna do.
don't think of the results of it.
My run last night brought in something about myself...
I bring myself a better sense of accomplishment doing something
I feel like doing that moment...
like NIKE... 'just do it'...

I felt myself running down an endless road.
Not knowing when it will end..
the thing is...it won't. there are always other roads to come to keep the distance there...
Only I decide when the journey ends, even when I can't decide when the road ends...
how far you want to get through things...it all depends on myself...
and no matter the distance... it some how still going to be worth it...

I can't help but...

...........................................................................................................................................................................
Mi Mancherai I will miss you
Perché vai via? Why are you going away?
Perché l'amore in te se spento? Why has the love in you died?
Perché? Why?
Non cambierà niente lo so Nothing will change i know
E dentro sento te And inside I feel you....
...........................................................................................................................................................................


~To watch you leaving....
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into my soul.
As a stake from the garden tears
into this warm dark earth...
Knowing all the while that never again
will I fit myself
warm and heart flutters
against your smooth back
and your sweet smelling neck.
Nor hear your steady breathing
and beating of your heart...
aware in every moment of my days
that my dreams, my future,
once tied with silken ribbons to yours
will never come to be.
And the mornings once so silent
so blissful and hopeful,
us gazing at each other's eyes with smiles
and gentle touches that comes after,
in hall or at home...
are now but small pieces of my past...
To watch you leaving is to know
my lost of place on this earth, my heart's home.
that I now a new nomad
alone and torn.
And in my troubled dreams
watch you leave...
again and again...
the pain and the tears comes daily..
All with you leaving...~

morning aches...

This morning, I woke up to an unexpected aching....
The aching of my heart...What is it?...
A dream Or something that my mind captured the day before
and thus playing my body chemistry, hitting at my emotions?
Oh darn I really don't know...
Maybe...
Maybe silence winds a troubled mind...
A silence between us....
Thas is shaking my very consciousness...
I know, you consistantly feelt he lack of connectivity...
To you everything is about connectivity...
But have you thought that if only you'd let yourself loose
Let your great expectations be alittle more fluid,
you'd be a happier person?
Nobody in this world is perfect...
I'm not...and there is no way I can be...
Even this world isn't perfect to begin with.
Sometimes I'd wish that you just let go
Sometimes I'd wish that you'll find the meaning of life
In it's simplicity.
I love you and I love you very much...
Not because of lust nor just beauty...
Not because of taking you for a fling
Or some short term joy ride....
But rather for the person that you are
And the person you make me want to be.
Some may believe that there is no such thing
as changing for the one you love...
No such thing as making long term adjustments to fit the one you love...
But I believe otherwise.
I'm willing if my love is willing to accept things and give time...
Allowance basically...
Anyway...saying all these, would all this still matter to you?
Am I being blocked away from you?
Blocked by the coldness of your heart....
you somehow make me feel so...
well I guess you'd not want to bother.
I hope one day you'll just simply realize what I mean...
But then maybe you don't wish to see it...
Living in the fantasy world of perfection...
perfect to your own conception...fitting to you only...
Sigh...

today...I also..
remembered the first musical movie I every bought....
was RENT...the feeling I felt buying it.
I didn't know how it was....was it good or not...
had no questions... the point was you said it was good..and you wanted to catch it so much...
I went around looking for it the moment I heard it...
finally found it and purchased...
the excitment bringing it back to you for a surprise...
so much for "thousand sweet kisses"...

a funny thing...

I say love is a funny thing...

well..

~I might have been blind in loving
And see the signs you’re giving
I have ignored every crashing
Now I’m on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your dance is full of grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide

I have been wrong about you
thought I could be strong without you
For so long
Nothing could move me
For so long
Nothing could change me
Only you...~

Times with you feels golden no matter what we maybe...it doesn't matter...
All that there is... I salvage I keep hold. Precious touch sweetness scents...the undying emotional feeling of completeness of the day...
Somethings that you'd not understand 'til you've felt it... the empowering experience...
that lights of the fire within a man in exhausion...
a fusion of psychological and body chemicals within one body...
It all makes whatever there is and to be holding on to worthwhile...

~~The wind that softly blows
changing my destiny this night
And that I feel my heart
will be surprised again
yet by my own actions...

By hurt or joy...
sadness or happiness...

But life then has more meaning
looking into the immense sky
Oh the enamored moon
illuminated by me
yes it will be..
Coz' I now am fire

Suddenly in the night, love
like the sea
Invades my heart and soul
With every moment with you...
And it will save me
Then the air in me will speak to me of you...

Then I hope the lost light be born within me once again...~~


14th night was good...if not great. Though we may not be, but unknowingly, emotional warmth just flows through... to give comfort and with that I surrender in acceptance...
You're my poison yet my pill...just the irony of this imperfect world...
*smiles*

My acridgashes

~Moments you put me through..
with me loving you like a fool
I would give it I really mean it
time and effort are just my tools..
I'd go crazy to know that you
ain't feeling all that much too well
I'd be your shell oh baby can't you tell
I need you to love me
And I love you more...~

Oh crap a day it's been... exhausion... the maddening rage building inside of me...
confined in the flying tube with wings I can't do yet a thing...
It's just burning inside... burning burning...the combustion just churning...
A wait for an explosion to come...never know when it's gona hit...
I need a coolant...to bring down the fire... and all cutting like barbwire..

Am I going to warp back into the hard...tough.. stone cold masking?...
She was my strength my light...
like the power of the red sun
but yet still my kryptonite...

I have to fight this...I can't let this be
can't let this become of me...
What's it with her and being grouchy these days?... some kinda habit during the holidays?...
Too free isn't good...To busy isn't good either... how is it then to strike a balance in her?...
Only she can deal with it...
Wherever I stood...no matter where I maybe...I'd be there...contactable to her...
when she needs someone to complain things about...
to bitch about... anything at all...but why is it that from that...she turned to being grouchy...
and stay grouchy and treat it like everyone is pissing her off including me when there was nothing I could do...and nothing I did...
all I did was to be there...
If you don't want me to be there for you girl...
tell me so...
I'd just disappear...
to stay friends? what friends?....you treat your friends this way?...
i don't know either...
anyway it's all about you...just you...
your choice...
Though it's like my heart's acridgashes...
aching with all emo slashes...
If it means you feeling better...then so be it...

~All I'd give...
would be roses with petals falling to the ground to smoothen your way...
your well liked Mentos to freshen your day...
and like foot thongs to keep you protected and you dance through
your journey day by day...~

Thinking...of you...

Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This and That.
My Life that day.
That dream was mine.
You gave me light
like I was being struck my lightning
awaken I was.
Burning so hot, so intensely
exploding every emotions in me...
like a star the dark pitch black sky
You were a star in my eyes
Yet like stars...your intensity's gone...
Loosening the pull of you to me...
Dry it became thus came friction.
Leaving me dazed, confused...
and without true reality
There lonesome I sat...
wondering....
just wondering....
and reaching out into the emptiness...
for the star that once lit my way in life....
will there be a birth of new light in this darkness?...
I sit alone...just waiting....

Home coming...

Exhausion brought me into some trance...
head was swaying and suddenly I saw everything like a whirlpool....
The very next moment was darkness....
didn't know I just knocked out for a straight 3hrs! hahaa...but woke up to a bad dream...

Something about me and dreams somehow...
a spark in that other world
and the twitch of my eyelids...
getting me to fear what could be coming...directly or indirectly to me...
lucky thing this time there wasn't anything wrong with my eyelids...phew!

hahaa...

Anyway...it's about time...in a couple of hours...I'd be home bound...back to the place I'd call home... within closer radius of people I care for and the person I wanna care for and be as near as possible to.
closer the range the better...

Sigh...I miss her so...
she told me she lack rest today...her grouchiness..and the nagging of her mum...
wish I could just take it all away and have those upon me while she keeps her smiles and joy.
finaly to the end of her day...when she can take a break and finally rest...Alas! noisy people shakes her mind giving her no rest...and she's feverish...
catching a cold I guess....
probably from sunday's rain...
wanna take care of her... watch over her....as she sleeps...taking away all the distractions and disturbance and let her rest like a baby...

"Oh lord...may the discomfort and sleepless nights
befall me instead of those I care for...
For I'd better deal with it as I've already been in it all along...
One man takes on the rest...while
they keep the best..."

"Their smiles are already a comfort to my heart..."

Oh yes...today I got a call from some modelling agency...asking me to join them...
damn it they must be blind folks....
me?...whata hell right?... =/
go there and paiseh...

To toulouse

Reaching the place of destination for work....
that's where work begins through and through..
where is the stop?
Well I don't know got no idea...
I'm not the boss
that put me here!

Ok now I'm kinda getting alittle exhausted. need to re-energize myself. Freezing cold everywhere these days...maybe even the once hot desert might be freezing up...hahaa
My lovely girl has got dance today and I hope no hurt or injuries befalls her... always want her safe.

Somehow I do see myself in her...like she to dance and me in the past to water sports...
Pain, tired, rushy...whatever it is...still must go. Coz' whatever the case is...it somehow eases the mind for those moments.
Well I used to take windsurfing as a form of dance art on the water...making the smooth stunts...flips 3m above water level...or some 360 turns and stuff like that...
like a dances on a water stage when u view across the vast sea horizon...
you'd feel like you're taking flight any moment and you're just free...free to the speed that only you know you can reach.
Well liking the adrenaline and things like that was really secondary...what was most important was you weren't thinking about anything else...just on what you're doing that very moment.
That's when I found myself...
that's when I see myself in struggles...
in pain...excitment... rage... holding some fighting spirit...
the determination to get to where I wanna be. and not just getting there is how I get there.
It's gotta be good. wanted to be the best...best in my league.
And was I, well only the people who saw can tell...
trophies...medals...they mean nothing... it's how the people I brought together...saw me...that was important. Coz' they are probably the one who will live long the dreams I had when the injuries on me just start to take over... Doing what I used to do?....I can never reach where I was again. Good to pass it on.

The way I see her dance... may not be the pros...but it's somewhat better coz it's with expression... with feeling... like a very part of her. Though panting in exhaustion, she moves in those beautiful steps to make the whole art piece wonderful...
Art...is acquired... it doesn't matter how people see it to be...it's what you see it to be that make you different from the rest...
And she is different. Could see her tired in a dance but filled with life...

hahaa...well...swaying from what happens to me today to talking about her once again....

Can't help it...what's there to say about me work?...just work..get done.
I guess I miss her so much, she doesn't know...
it doesn't matter... So long I know she is well and happy... having her smile is more important.

right Kenneth?...
right... =)

It's been trying...

In a long period when I could just sit and do some thinking of my own...
Where everything else stops revolving only the matters of heart and my mind...
I found that there are things that I've been prepared to giving everything for
but doesn't work out...yet there are things I've got absolutely no idea about just pops
into the stillness of my life and stirs things up.
My life has been just a dream... some dream where I wish I'd just wanna wake up from
and want to make things right.
Third day... away from love...

I've yearned to kiss her on her cool lips
hugging her with full emotions
filling my heart with warmth and gladness...
I yearn back those moments when I could just sit in daze looking at her...
sniffing around the sweet aroma by her neck and whispering love to her ears...
I miss those things...

L'amour est douleur...
Love is pain...
yet I'd want to go through it...
the tears I shed...
the aches I experienced
from every heart beat I felt....

I guess I should be lucky enough
that she has once loved me and
even had the thoughts of marry
but that was just a vision...

Some vision...

Enough to bring me up high...
but of course to fall with greater impact.

Those were the very moments I cherished and I wish come back...
As I imagine it all before me,
trust me unknowingly I actually did reach out in front of me
thinking that it was her I could feel...
But nothing...it was the cold air...
pure emptiness...

Oh well...
I guess she is getting on fine without me...seemingly happy...I hope she is
with the fact that I'm in pain...to make my pain worth...I hope she is happy...

sigh...

what's bliss? can anyone just tell me?
Felt I forgotting that already...it just vanished into the cracking heart of mine...
I just need to explode..!

getting on a day...

It's been a day....
a day without the drive i used to have
a day when I don't keep track of time to get off work...
coz it just became unimportant altogether...
what else was it for me to look forward into?
the truth is...nothing...
wonder how she is...
just do...
sigh...
picking up was easy...but seemingly though I hope I'm wrong....
letting go was also easy for her...
seemed so easy...

my aches...my heart aches so much..
with every ticking seconds of the today....

it was more than her moodiness.. I'm just being shattered once again

Tell my faults now
I want to know
Though I've changed
And why you'd go
I need to see your face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who breaks my love and brings me tears
Whose love for I'd undyingly fight
Now I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you said to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I let you go
I let you fly
I'm not going to be asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

illness combo and a dash of mood swings

Argh the illness....
puking...giddiness...fever....all a combo...just nothing with the runny nose yet...gona be a big combo.
Sigh...hate it feeling the weakness... rather go to work and after that being able to pop by to see my girl at her work place. or at times surprise her after her work...
I did think of doing so today at night.. 'til I started the vomitting...
damn it...
Can you imagine me shivering?...damn I've always been a heated up person and can take winter climate without a problem....but these 2 days...I've been shivering through even if there wasn't any wind and being covered with the blanket...
This is insane!

Feeling my dear girl's moodiness...wonder is there any reason to it...
Did I say or do something wrong? or was it because I didn't do anything at all?...
well maybe it's the time of the month...that really spoils the moods of girls...
I hope to find a way to cheer her up...
thinking hard on it...
but this feeling of physical weakness i getting in the way...
gotta recover fast first...then tmr at least there is a talk of see how things goes...

gotta rest...