Thinkin'...

Wonderin'...wonderin.. wondering how she is at work...has she sold enough to make her commission and time there worth? wondering if there were anyone there to spoil her day besides me doing it unknowingly?

I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?

State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...

Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...

Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit

But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...

Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...

Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....

2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...

Reviving

Heating up a new blog... something I once did start quick long ago...
I guess now I just need to pen some things down and let this keep track of it.
Having it all on paper is just a waste and keeping some things in it can be such a pain.

The start of a new month, June '06... I hope things around just get better.
Coz' May was a painful one...had a painful ending but yet I still wanna go through it
and with no regrets... why?
I'm crazy? I'm mad or something? Really don't know these days, just gotta let things flow in and gotta stop looking out so much.

Sometimes I'm thinking, why does everyone who comes into my life and somehow leaves in some funny manner or sometimes the time wasn't right thus having to stand down our purpose?
And everyone of them has got some faults I've been prepared to accept but some I've to let go no choice before things get rotten in me... but after chatting with my Godsis, I realised that maybe I'm the shit. The fat of the land that made things go down the drain. going through 10 cycles, long or short...fast or slow...the end of it seemingly boils down to one factor.... me.

The start's always a bliss... so wonderful, so nice...and then it just goes down.
I've got to find the reason to this...
it's killing me everytime things like that happen
Maybe I'm still confused on how girls really are... or that I need to just forget about the whole matter and screw the thought about having relationships and just live with myself...
But that's crazy. Too used to having a girl to care for and think about... to pamper when I've got the resources.
Sigh... My past is just pure history...remember some coz feelings for them were strong I'd do anything to be with them 'til I get exhausted...the rest, who just came and left like the wind... nothing much to remember about and probably already forgotten.
And my present..? well, I'm now left with none 'coz just lost one... one that I'd do anything for to be with too. She did give me a new whole chapter and a different perspective in looking and things. It was something really different. It was nice...wonderful when everything went well until I was slapped to consciousness at the end of it. Just needed time to get used to some reactions, some expressions and some gesture jargons that in time I could understand.
Anywayz that's if I've got the chance....one more chance that I'm hoping for. sigh...oh well, wait for her lor... now I can't do anything also. afraid my lack of sleep makes me do things I might not even full know about and start to regret once it got slipped out. That I can't believe I actually did such things to her. I was utterly sorry. But coz of that she is hating me...and she said 'so much' with 'forever'...Strong words with even greater emphasis. haiz...oh well....

So as for now...think I should just do some searching...search within me. to see WTF is wrong with me that makes me go through life like that. Also to give myself a push to getting some things settled...my feature career is at stake damn it!