as i sit quietly on my desk....trying to revise through the semester worth of power electronics...
feeling horrible for tickling Min...and making her feel suffocated in the process...
carried away with all the tickling one another...
I crossed the line...

and I'm feeling she must be pissed off now...

Anyway...besides that whole thing...
I'm on the verge of giving up after having today's paper... think I'm hard stuck on another semester extention in this horrid place...
I really hope not...
and tmr's power electronics isn't helping at all...
turning mad... mad very soon..
it's not about the things to remember....it's the concepts and the amount of things to gulp down all at one go...
the more I go through the more I feel I'm forgetting stuff...and
the more I feel less confident...
Freaking tired...
3 days in a row...
deep inside I'm seriously very depressed though I'm trying hard not to show it...
walking around smiling and stuff... but really... I'm depressed coz' I can't find a way out to this... take it and fail it? or don't take it at all, do it the next semester...either ways it's retaking... but trying it this time gives me a percentage...small percentage of getting through with it...

Argh!...
I'm doomed...The december is getting more shitty packed up with more sch stuff than relaxation....
FYP...my design report to try save myself through a report redemption....hope that actually works....and fighting to build and grasp a website contract to earn me some extra....esp when I'm super low on cash now...

killing me...

just wanna let everything go and have some time for myself....for the things I wanna do...
I just wanna go to sentosa beach....lay there and slack the day under the sun... having no worries and bothered by anything...just enjoy the breeze and the sun...

longing for that....coming from the fact that the may to july wasn't a break at all for me but rather horrible load of crap events befalling... with so much to deal with... Come to think of it...december '06...is supposed to be my last holiday...
and this is what it has to become...

Well done....well done!... better off dead...

I checked my mail...
ping! it popped... an email from my parents...
that got me tearing...
...amidst my horrible stressful week in hand....

"Take good care of yourselves n dont overstress . Stay focus .

Dispel any sense of self-concern, and remind you that others are feeling the same tensions,
which is only natural in times of stress.
The Lord is your shepherd, you shall not flunk;
He keep youfrom lying down when you shd be studying.
He restore yr faith in study guides and leads you to better study habits for yr grade's sake.
He gives you answers in moments of blankness.
He anointest yr head with understanding
Yr test paper run over with questions you recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colours shll follows you.
All the days of yr examinations.

In this time of anxiety, O Loving God grant you peace of mind. Quiet any distress and allow you
to seee clearly yr mission and determination.

God bless you my son,
Love from Mum, Dad and your 2 brothers and sister."


Gave me strength to move on...
Thanks Dad and Mum...
it struck me.... it touched me...

But the stress of exams... yet can't be forgotten.... it's something that has been hard to handle...
since I was a small kid...
the fear has been borne in me.... trying to live out of it...but along the way it will linger...
But thanks! =)

I'm in pain...
oh yes I am...
drilling deep inside
making a hole deeper every second...
is it love to let go
or is it love to fight to hold...
whatever the action is...
however the solution is...
I don't know...
Coz' it's no longer about me...
to me it's purely about you...
just being happy...
when that's done
I am too...
when that's not conquered...
nothing else is...
so where shall I start?
What shall I do?...
this growing pain and my aching heart...
I try not to think about it now
but the feeling just keeps coming back...
I'm dying...
my brains are frying...
feels like I'm worth nothing now...
like fit for nobody...
I'm just waste...wasted material
fat of the land....
And baby I fear losing you
and fear whatever I do or try...
can't get through...
trying is an endless process for me...
I won't stop...
'til you hit the brakes....
............

turning mad...crazy...
rattling mindless funk time to time...
unsure what's for tomorrow...
hard up for today...
pain of yesterday....

I find being alittle too caught up and concerned in what others want....
could in turn make me not being spontaneous...
a lousy person who has no ideas...
I sat down and think while waiting for the docs...
I realised that many times I had something in mind....
something simple... that might not be appealing as something special
or to go out for... I just smack it down in worry of failure...
unknowingly that failure catches me from the other way
and in a different angle...
WTF...

sigh...maybe I'm just a person who considers too much...
trying to avoid this and that...and in the end...avoided doing everything...
there are things I've planned for....failed and got sick of the mess I created...
there were things I mentioned but couldn't materialise thus filling up disappointment...
so to avoid all those....I headed off to another direction
and the direction met with me avoiding what I wanted...
just some simplicity...a time out from the acad world and to spend time with Min.
It's not that I allow all the work stuff get ahead of the matters deal with her....
just that with some knock on the head and reminders...I'd get back on track..
coz somehow...I see there is a point I might sway due to my worries for this and worries for that....argh...WTF...
Maybe I'm just not good and handling these kinda stuff....maybe I'm just not good at handling time...
well maybe I'm just crap at being a guy that a girl needs...
I just pray that as time goes by....I'd find a way out...out of my head and get things straighten out....
all these headaches...must must go...
before I come tumbling down in all directions...
coz then....any direction...wouldn't matter at all....just down...

For all the big and small things....you have affected me...

For the wonderful
For the simple
For the warming
For the hugs
For the love
For the kisses
For the smiles
For the experience
For thought...
For all the time in the world...
For being understanding when I'm most idiotic...
For being the softest when I've gotten all crazy...
For leaving your foot steps on my sandy rocky path of life...
affecting me ever more...more than any girl could have...
And Most of all....
For being the girl I've loved so much,
just by being you...

Thank you baby...





For the one around to hear my pain, to cry my sorrows. The care that you've given since I saw the world...
The light you brought on to me whenever I strayed off course...
The concern you weekly have for me up 'til now and the constant prayers showered upon me...
For the times I unknowingly made you worry...
For the times I've been bad and caused you pain and supposing anger while you didn't break out in fury...
For the times I've failed and you pulled me up to say I am still able and all are not lost...
For the wonders of answers you've guided me through...
For the skills I've gotten that can't be learnt from any school or any place at all...
For the vast encouragement and determination you've given me the strength for...
I thank you all....mum, dad, grandmas and late granddad....and of course....to my dear late aunty nancy...
Wherever I've been, whatever I've gotten to... the foot steps of you all are always left in the paths of my life and in my heart...

For the ones who have constantly supported me...
hearing me out in times of troubles and aches...
for the ones who have been comforting me in troubled waters....
for the ones who were just there....
You know who you are....
Thank you all!

sometimes I just wonder if I'm even of standard...
like am I taking too long to allow things to be realised?
or is it that in some ways, I'm always in need of time to deal with things
and somehow, time isn't at all friendly towards me...

Sometimes I just wanna say how much I wanna do this and that with you,
but yet I'm afraid of the time needed for me to get it materialised makes things worst...
yet again not saying it at all makes it seem I don't bother...
or that I'm not interested...
While the fact is that I wish I materialise going out of singapore, doing something that only the both of us
can be doing together...
God I'm so confused...what is a solution?

within singapore, things are rather restricted...
at my current status, things are limited, like cash... time...
so I find the only way to whatever to materialise would be working towards it...
and that requires time...which I wanna be granted...

Is there a way for all of this?...
fastest...shortest route...
I'm not bothered abt the pain...just wanna get where I wanna be and get what I wanna have materialised with my special one.

sigh...

Oh crap shit!
I hate to read up a whole lot of text after text...
this life really kills me very much and I think very soon....very very soon...I may just die from it...
total madness.
shouldn't the test of a person's capabilities be on the job...the work or project itself?
C'mon, exams basically tests how much you can remember at a go but vomit the whole lot of shit through your hands and on paper.
Everyone looked like some mad scientist scribbling some awesomely crazy formula on the papers....matching the biological memory space and how much closer to a freaking dot matrix printer are their hands.

Sigh....wished that maybe there is a new finding on a real Siao Ding Dang slice of bread...printed with whatever info you need to know and munching on it gets you remember it instantly!

Anymore of this shit I might soon very well turn into Grr of Invader Zim!
sticking out all day my tongue =p and humming the "doomie doom doom doom doomie doom...."
and having whatever I wanna eat in the brain of mine...oh sorry it's in replacement of my brain... =)

I closed my eyes...
like having a bad dream...
I spoke...
on the verge of crying I heard the most soothing voice,
"baby...what is it?... why?"
the very voice that soothes my heart and soul...
brought back calm.
Like things just got worst
like there was no end to the horrible friday that's been...
like all of a sudden in my state of concusion I warped through a few years without you
and still I found myself lying devastated and torn apart...
feeling the emptiness.
to some they wish for time
to some they wish for riches
but to me I need both to bring me across where I am to some part
they all call wonderful.
yet I don't mind being left with nothing
holding on to on my stomach in hunger...
wrapping up in newspaper out in the rainy cold
so long the life then was led with you...
But, I guess that's where I stand...
where my stand is towards you...
what I can't give in the instance
I'd still give in time
empowered by the will of going through means...
sometimes, it's hard
sometimes it's easy...
but whatever it is....
it's the resultant that matters...
Oh anyhow, my dream my dream...
it all started from one single day
when you decided to go away...
I cried but I respected...
believing you know best what you really want...
what you'd be happy living with...
decision laid on you.
Then I found myself setting foot
at the edge...
calling for the reason to live...
the reason to carry on what seemed meaningless...
my life...
I took off and swirled back to a dimension called reality...
a dream...
bringing me back to calm was the soothing voice...
my darling beside me...
Min.

Oh this is dark friday I'm seeing...
the mere strike of it and everything seem to be going quite wrong...
it has to be exams too...
my first paper.
sux totally....

What started the day before felt warm and nice...
in giving it brought much calm within my heart...
in loving it bring me life.
fighting timing towards the 5th day of the week
and ended up being hit at all angles...
for a quiet moment in the darkness I sit and stare at the nothingness...
wondering what the hell is going on to me...
the inital bang of emotional tension hit me hard... but having to handle time constrains i had
to hold on myself and get a grip...
every moment I flip across nicely written loves
it sent me an electric shock.
had I not mention my plans that I hadn't worked out to go overseas...
would things be better?
Had I not mentioned any earlier intentions,
would there be no disappointments?
Had I not gotten the gifts...
would there be discontent?
the fact is...nobody knows....it probably would have been better
yet it probably would've been happening anyway...
But whatever the case is...
it pains my heart very much to see us in such a way.
like all of a sudden the coldness...
killing me slice by slice...
and wow...what next?
a horrible exam paper falling bias to just one side of the student cohort...
totally unfair....
why not make it all open ended? sigh...oh shit exam just gotten through?
I really don't know...
but it topped the chart of craps for the ending of the week...
I can't think....don't wanna think...
pain and disappointment in a summation....

However situations are...
however difficult things may be...
sometimes... through time...
sometimes... just the end result that what I've worked for
will be able to tell...
will be able to bring things a step further...

Words are just words...
yet again, what is intangible and cannot be seen
can be said as non-existance
can be said as undone
all the more unconsidered
and effortless...
at the end of the day,
it's just going to be hope that
through end results bring an idea across better...
brings my heart further...

work things out may just be about me
could be about more than myself
might be everything put together
but whatever it is...
an on-going process it is
a function put through works...
for a final product that can only be seen as worth it
for the recieving end...

The days of coldness set in
the heat'n fever of stress
like an epidemic
spreading like wild fire
the greyness is killing very much
like there can be no light
nothing shining enough
to brighten one's way
Well lucky for me,
Us is what I still can hold on to
at this point of nothingness of my life
at least my sanity is kept...
caring for you works my other senses
loving you brightens my heart
besides the the mental pain we are all going through
undergoing brain damage as a community
in memory overload
in formulation of reasonings from reasons
in making practical uses of unknowns
in the utter craziness of this thing we all call
University Education
A process where the skills of practical survival
are lost or not taught at all...
A process where everything else loses meaning...
Education...
probably life's next big killer
but surely creativity's murder.

sometimes I just sit and wonder....
am I really that lousy in handling a girl?....
Am I not spontaneous at all...?

I'm sad...demoralized.....
sigh...
What the hell....ARGH!!!

"Daily smoothness than a day of great WOW! and a lead and follow up of shit..."

Here I stare blankly at my study schedule...
Not sure if I'm ever going to successfully deal with it all in time...
Yet again, I'm getting real tired...
Awaiting the saturday's observation results...
It's the test of triggering issues.
Argh...what the heck....I can't seem to bother so much about that now.
At this moment... I don't seem to bother crap about the migraines coz I guess
it's just living with it.
don't care if it's psychological or some medical effect...
I just wanna get over this whole thing I'm in.
Just got 2 new fish...calming my senses with my buddy's new set of music...
Reading the 'Special Message' card as I sit at my desk...
All feels well...
But is it?...
Is it really well after all?
who is to tell me that?
Life is like on a long straight road now...just walking and walking...
desert on the sides...
the feeling of awaiting death
just couple of days ago I thought everything was smooth and I was just starting to get hyped
and with things running in my head to do some stuff...
then all of the sudden all went blank...
like i tried to retrieve it but to no avail...
nothing is..
where I stand is a point of "don't know what the fuck is going on" position..
in every sense...
confidence pillar seems to be corroding... and I'm not sure if it is...
like taking a plunge from heaven...pushed down by the archangel..
A big dive it is...
So what I probably have day by day is a masking...
smile or not...what's the difference?
what seems to be like a play going on world stage....
playing a character that is supposed to be...
yet not living what you're feeling...
being split into two...

I wanna break free from my body...
If only I had the cash...
If only I had what I used to...
then, whatever I needed and wanted I'd have...
whatever spoils and pampering I could give...
now...even dealing with daily could be alittle of a problem...
too much now...means lesser tmr...
There can be no balance.
Don't know what happens today for tomorrow to be.
Tomorrow maybe the hardest day to come...
It may not...
whatever it is...24hrs time it'll come.
clock ticks to it's arrival
just live it and before you know it...a new day reaches
and everything passes...
see what happens next...
the heart...soul...is laid down strengthless...
in need of my energizer to fire me up...

Almost 4 in the morning...
And I'm up reading my stuff
self warded for observation...
Just wanna deal with my problems
bring it not to her.
I need this
Almost dying without internet communications
took a short walk around with my trusty Mac
found a Macdonalds and parked my ass there.
Nurse thought I just went off for a toilet break.
Needed to check somethings out for awhile.
I had to do it.
They getting worried but whata heck...
since when what people thought should matter so much to me...
coz when what I felt or thought...didn't matter much to others...
they wanna study me...well... just allow me this short time split.
I'm dying.
I'm disturbed but yet, I guess I'm ready for whatever may come...
My life has been already a swirl so come what may...
like however shit tomorrow is, tomorrow will still come
so just deal with it and get on with my walk.
Just had an SMS session with my dearest awhile ago
and I came to my own conclusion that I just wanna try perk things up...
but how hard is it gona be
How is life gona be by doing so...
trying is a decision I'd make
acceptance will her part to 'make or break' whatever issues there may be.
I may not be the most romantic person to sweep her off her feet
May not be the player skilled to get her crazily in love with
May not be the cash flowing person to materially pamper her...
but I dare say I will be the person who will be there to take care of her with my life at all conditions...
Then again a voice echos back saying that it's afterall not every young girl's dream
to my dismay, once again, what I thought was good stuff acts in a complete opposite direction towards me...
I guess let me first set my migraine shit right...
my mental health...then come back stronger in the new week to come...
With this...I driving off my parking lot and lay down in observation bad with things plugged all over...
and people constantly watching me while I stare at the ceiling above...
Oh life...spare me the pains...
click me off...fast forward...
for me to come back in tuned and well...
ready to take on the month of academic war, EXAMS!
oh F**K it...
JUST DO IT!

Almost crossing halfway through the next morning...
I'm up awake, partially studying and partially in thought of the unhappiness of my love.
maybe we should just be spontaneous... bringing more excitement to the relationship that I want...
like either one of us just have some idea on what we feel like doing that very moment....just kick off and go do it.
I guess I can deal with that...

But I think I'd be feeling the difficulty when it comes to high costing material pampering... compared to anyone out there....
I guess for that I'm at a losing end...
But baby... I do hope you'll accept this part of me...


*so tired but I can't sleep*

Yet things don't get any easier... the road that I hope to smoothen out... I wanna work.

How cool a relationship is
it's very much how 2 work around each other.
The acceptancy, contentment issues...

The truth is that the relationship is important to me such that
I'd bring it up to another level...
Thus the feeling of which makes one feel like married, but not yet.
I know youth is yet another issue.
It seems like what I was looking for then
is very much what I'm looking for now.
A sense of stability, a peace of mind and a love I can comfortably say will last forever.
Yet I'm not saying that others should head on the very same footsteps I've been taking.
It's just me... a guy of a different perspective.

What I have I lay down for you...
My abilities, my strengths, my weakness, my limits, my consciousness, my love, my care, my time, my body, my mind...
What you see is what you get... all put neatly in order for you to see... for the person I am...

All at your disposal and decision...

Sometimes I feel that what I feel and what I decide to do or can do or will do is going to be inmaterial...
coz ultimately it's what you see them as that makes the difference.

I may love and want to hold on to...and fight for...
but if by keeping I have you unhappy... living by my decisions...
the course of actions then would be better to have it as yours to decide upon.

Baby...
I believe we did have our happy times....wonderful moments that makes the feeling of worth at the end of everything else...
but it's essentially all for you to give weightage to and all up to you.

Darling...
your card... A special message...
when given to me...fluttered my heart so much that each time I read it everyday I'd tear and smile to myself...
it brought meaning to everything in me...
I believe it too means very much to you too....

Like an aimless soul on the move...
my mind wonders how my love is feeling...
Are things alright?

"its just like a cigarette
but between me and you
i don't want the truth
i wanna feel fucking cool .
and its just so tiring."

Or am I just again not being able to see it?
baby I hope you'll tell me which way it goes...
or this wasn't meant for me?

For the hard times that have us understand each other better
For the good times that strengthen us
For the pain that made us strong
For the love that to each other we bond
For the time I'd just spend thinkin' about you
in the good and the pains keeping me reminded
I'm human and alive
For the love of a girl I give my whole heart to...
Darling, for the wonderful times you made possible...
my blood rushed and my heart fluttered...