tired tired tired...so tired...

Freshmen Orientation camp is very much around the corner....WoooHoo...
this whole thing is killing me. Need to get it over and done with. Have so much to do but with so little time!
Since I got out of SIA I've just been busy running around...doing administrative stuff and things like that....
this is crazy...

Everything got so crazy that I didn't have time to breathe....but it's good to know that through my exhausion....the insomnia is fading....but I'm getting really physically tired and maxed out.

Just last night...I found myself rather cornered....
Things needed to rush and be on time but yet there seemingly no way out....
had problems with T-shirt printing....and banner printing.....can't get them done on time...
I was turning mad....mad mad....
was praying so hard for answers....
And suddenly answers did come in....hahaa....
emails of solutions coming through....people asking if I needed help....
from msn....sweet and wonderfully helpful angels just offered to go all the way to check things out for me.....
And most of all my buddy room mate got me off the headache of the banner print just in a moment....the resourceful person he is. What would I do without these great people....
saving my sanity....hahaa....

need rest....need rest....

Funny how things are.

Just returned to the hostel from a whole afternoon til night outing with a whole group of dudes from the medical circle. Funny how it's like... having to hear the complains about life from the other side ie. the doctors. It brings me to a different perspective altogther and it's seemingly fresh to view life in a different angle. It's a pity after all the studies they've gone through just to complete their studies in medicine, they come to the medical industry to slog so much in hospitals...or to complete some bonds they are tied on to.

I guess life itself is crazy in every way. So much for Yin and Yang where everything comes to a certain balance....in this case, where is the balance? All the time, effort, money into studies and afterwhich pushed out to be 'slaves'... while on the other hand, there are those who barely study and didn't go through much education...they are the ones who make it big and are living in the life of riches. Madness isn't it?...

Well, I won't say much coz I haven't exactly hit my big point yet. In a short time I will and hopefully by then I might have come up with my great plan to kick start some system where money rolls in on one side like an automatic vending machine while I just take on a fixed and relaxed job...just to pass time, and leaving me spares to set up the family of my own...
Damn it....I'm just dreaming. But dreaming is good isn't it?... where there is a dream, there is creativeness and leading to innovative outcomes and thus a point of challenging myself to take charge of my plans. Success is then the ability to attain what was seemingly impossible in the past....isn't it?... =)

Dawn...
knowing her is like knowing the very first friend since the very day I was born....hmm..well maybe 2hrs later. hahaa...
It felt like it's been ages that I've known her but yet took me 25yrs of my life to understand her because, it's only now that we started catching up...hmm well since I don't know what to start.
We did meet in the past, but what would 5yr old toddlers know about socializing then?.... how to throw around rattles and screaming our heads off while running about the whole place?
She is simple, yet an amazing person. Interesting I guess... somewhat similar to me yet different...but there was something that was common between us....I'm not too sure what it is besides our liking for 'Superman'. Though after so darn long, we finally met up through our parents keeping contact with each other... it felt like meeting another stranger but yet knowing already so much about her.
Funny huh... haha...it is definately strange how things come about...

Oh well...another day has passed...and into another beginning of the weekends!
I'm gona try sleeping once more and if I fail....I'd be just closing my eyes to rest them as usual..
What's new. An everyday routine... I need to find my switch and turn myself off, disconnect from the energizer battery that has been feeding me the power that keeps me awake all 2-3months long....
I'll try....just try....

~The pain I'm having
The very thing that restricts me
To do what I want, I can't...
Oh The striking sensation...
That makes me lose grip
That I can't keep hold of myself
The pain I'm having...
The pain in my wrist...~


Some times as I go through my day...
disturbing thoughts run through my mind.
I've got 3 in mind. 3 possibilities. Choosing any of them would mean a different life
I'd lead altogether. Time is just racing... I can't catch up. But what I want seems to be a combination of the 3 and every one of them.
This is crazy... wrecking my brains coz of this...but who can control it some times...?
Nobody...

just something for the day....

Something was ringing ringing in my head today....
just some words...
just something I'd like to pick somebody...
somebody worth...I'd feel worth saying this to....
from a simplistic Me..

~I can only give you love that last forever
And a promise to be near each time you call...
And the only heart I own,
for you and you alone that's all.
All I have are these arms to enfold you
and a life time can never be strong....
If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear....
You'd be glad to know that my demands are small...
Say it's me that you adore,
for now and ever more that's all...
That's all...~

=)
Just something for the day....

alittle spot of confusion?....me?....

Life is such a wonder...
Many things lie around to ponder...
small stuff
medium issues
or gigantic matters that could leave one drowning in tissues.
My heart my mind a certain song they sing...
The very same one...
finally in sync.
Telling me of which way I should go,
but yet something is there to block me....
to stop me....
to think twice...
But now...
Sitting here remembering when
i felt a gush of wind that swept me off
when I started to notice the beauty within...
that I never use to see or bother to notice
The way I felt just by being close...
racing pulse..Ohhh....
My stomach's in knots
with thoughts in my heart....
but standing between my thoughts
of making a move forward
and to just keep a safe distance....
would be the friendship...
the very thing that bonds us yet...
the very thing that stops me from
reaching forward what my mind and my heart sings out for...
Making declarations I yet dare not say...
it's been a problem.. and a problem it could be...
I guess give it time...
time will tell...
my mind and heart in time will spell...
(hmm....if that's going to be anyway possible...)

Decision!

Yesterday.. was a day of a big decision...
Would somehow change my future and what I expected all along.
But I was prepared for this day, though it felt alittle lousy but,
it's something that has to be done. Probably for something better.

I gave up the thought of fighting for my scholarship.
I decided to let this scholarship go as I felt I didn't want this kind of life in future.
It wasn't really for me and I felt that I should be in a more fast paced job and
something that gives me satisfaction. Just being on attachment alone, it made me realise that
By stepping into the very office I'd call my future, I was lost self time, due to travelling... givent he weirdest work structure I had to get things done at very odd timings too thus compromised on my self time and time with those I love. The scholarship was also a burden to me as I studied through my university so far... the pressure that was constantly bugging me in the head...and I can't really sleep well enough with a disturbed mind. Affecting so much in my life. I used to do better without it. Scholarship...or "Scholar" as they labelled me....was nothing but a student who had the ability to talk his way through and impress people in the interview. I merely just another student on bursary. Nothing else... nothing so special about it.

Now I've got a different goal in life....a new beginning and set a new waypoint to target for....

element of gloom

Yesterday...yesterday was good....but yet had an element of gloom....
Met up Sharon after ages of saying we will meet up to catch up but it's always me not having the time... Think I'm quite jialat... haha.. She changed quite abit in dressing, due to work she has to I guess, but somehow felt her style and the patterns she didn't really change much actually.
Great to catch up some times...!

Gloom, Min's granddad just passed away in the afternoon at about 4.30pm... told me she cried...
cried hard and yet her relatives due to buddist beliefs didn't allow her to cry. Alamak...how to control this kinda thing?... madness...
I felt bad not being able to be there to comfort her in person. Had already left back for the airport. Should've stayed around the hospital alittle longer. sigh...

Reminds me of the time when I had to watch over my late grandpa as he lay on the hospital bed....fighting to live...just to wait for the return of my Auntie and Uncle from Australia and NEw Zealand. But they didn't make it in time. When the priest blessed him and told him that everything will be fine...And to rest in peace that everyone there will be fine and well.
And that his Sons and daughter would understand...
With that...he breathed his last...
I broke down...
was very painful to have him leave us, yet happy that his suffering ended...
And I guess it should've been the same for Min's grandpa too....

The night after my grandpa passed away... I experienced something unusual...
and the funny thing was that all his Sons felt it too.....

~ I close my eyes and there in the shadows
I see a bright striking light,
your light
You come to me out of my dreams
Across the night...

From this day on
I'm still certain I'll never be alone
I know what my heart
have always known
that my grandpa's love has a power that's all it's own
For us all there's no time and no space
No barrier that the family's love won't erase
In our hearts you will be
And for always, forever
you're raised up high
And for always
we will go on beyond goodbye.~

Per Te Canto alla vita

"I sing to life for you"...

Life's good...just fine...
good time working out...
coldplay was cool and good though I was so darn tired while at the concert after all the work I've been through...

Attachment is gona end soon! can't wait... was considering going to phuket, thailand for a couple of days to take a break...hmmmm.....should I?...hahaaa.... but it's quite abit of cash needed there..esp when it's one of the most expensive place to go to in thailand...
surprisingly Bangkok isn't as expensive...

But whether I go or not, doesn't matter....most importantly is that I get time to do my stuff!....
just relax...chill by the beach...tanning...work out...free my mind before the semester starts...
Most of all...make the Insomnia go away!...need to be human again!...damn it...hahahaa
feels really inhuman not sleeping and stuff like that... it's crazy...

..........

Sleepless nights
spent struggling
In and out the meander of my mind
in endless explorations;
Endless considerations
all so spreaded
as the million twinkles in the sky;
The thirst for knowledge
or unending queries
has kneeled at my need of sensations;
And life's bittersweet memories
like dark chocolate
Erase all powerful thoughts
leaving my soul
trying in exhausion;
Darkness leaves
with the first strike of the sun
and warmth fills my skin;
I remember then
that I needed to sleep,
but it's a beginning of a new day;
12 hours of the sunny ray
how I'm gona spend it I don't know
tonite rest and sleep,
I'll see how it goes....

Irritated!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~DAmn...
I think some people are just born to irritate...
I've gotta fumigate
Get out!
Move out!
Ship out!
I don't need you here..
Trying to ask me a question
yet wanna just act smart
you know you seem like a freakin' retard...
I can't stand you
Blood damn fool!
Wassup with you Botak!
You just wanna get farked?
Are you crazy?
Don't waste my time here...
So just get hell out of here...
Argh! ~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn the darn other SIA scholar... what's in the world with him?
Trying to claim some credit after having no idea how to get around doing some stuff and getting it done with my help?... Or maybe don't know crap about what's going on but yet want to show he knows something thus ask stupid questions?....
Having been through a rough and busy day and the last darn thing that I'd like to have was him to walking up to my face asking pointless questions....of no relation to whatever urgent problem we were dealing with. "Oh just for general interest" he says....
how about asking my ass such kinda question when I'm deep in thought to rectify serious problems....answer you with a fart damn shit!...
You are freakin' going 24 right now...stop acting like a retard and work!...

Freaky tuesday

Freaky!!! Freaky tuesday morning!
took the morning train towards cityhall today...on the way to work...
first of all, leaving my house 5mins earlier than the norm got me to work at 7.45am instead of the normal 8.15am....
second.....
coming out from the north-south train and into the open doored east-west train, as I took my first step into the train I had 4 of my friends names just striking in my mind like a sudden lightning bolt striking a lone tree...
But that wasn't the main thing.... the best part was....immediately when I turned my head to the left side of the cabin, looking at the cabin connector area, I saw friend number 1 (shall not mention any names here....)....said hello and stuff like that and since my journey was going to be a long one, I found a seat and sat straight in it. Just thento my right was my friend number 2 and on the opposite left was friend number 3. And I never knew that they actually worked at the places the train was heading to. I was already shocked enough but still sceptical....
I messaged my friend number 4....whom I was kinda going to meet back in office...to see if he was in the same train to confirm my gut feeling...but he didn't reply me. Probably reading newspaper or sleeping in the train....
When I got to office, I saw him and he exclaimed.. "Aye Kenneth, how come I didn't see you?....I was in the same train lah...where were you standing in the first place?"
Just then....I knew, what I felt....wasn't just something of the norm....
Somehow... I knew 4 of my friends were in the same train as I....
Freaky.....still thinking about it til now.....hahaa...

all in a day's work!

Phew a hectic day just passed!
fortunately!
Tired...
Went around the office to guide in some concepts regarding Microsoft excel and access usability and how to make certain analysis fast and easy even if it mean dealing with few 10s of thousand data... Coz somehow I managed it about few weeks back, thus shocking myself and people around.
Hahahaaa...actually it's nothing great just some way of looking at the application in a different perspective and making it work better for you. Moreover, in the office I'm a lazy guy....and being lazy, brings about creativity and thus the automation of many routinal processes.

And so the day went by dealing with all those stuff and writing my so so long attachment report which until now I don't think I can finish it fast enough.
Also not forgetting FOC!....Wah that was the feat!
But at least everything is seeing light...
the best thing for the day was to find out that all my efforts for fighting and reasoning with NTU for the sake of my FOC members to stay in the hall wasn't in vain...for now all those hitting the overal gross points in my committee can stay! and for those 5 whom I fought in the appeal... all of them were successful in the weeks of negotiation. Real tiring...but oh well, the good returns for me in this is the good feeling of helping and on the other hand I get their loyalty in FOC assistance. Hard work pays off afterall!

what is love?...anyone have an answer for that?... I don't, but I'd try...

Another day of salsa!
nice!...beginning to enjoy it though there were screw ups while in class...
like don't know how to do the steps...or can't remember the steps..
stuff like that... hahaaa...
damn...I didn't know I had a cultural side of me...hahaa...oh well.

Today there was this one friend of mine.... called me for a meet up...
had some problems with relationships...but damn, it's not like I'm anyone good to give great advice
coz I've been failing in that sector too, but i guess he wanted someone to listen and talk to about it... and so I was there. His first relationship...fallen...
Asked me what love was...
and while talking about that, I said some stuff that just came out from the back of my mind. I probably never had it on spotlight and kept reminding myself...
I said..." My friend... Love is passion and obsession. An understanding between two... and the sharing of each other's lives. Sometimes I'd find that I myself am confused if I do like the person to start with... and then I found, I always wanted to keep the person close to me, keep the communication going, reach out to the person regardless of any returns, care for her. Sharing any form of pain she's in... and I didn't realise it 'til the person leaves for awhile...just awhile, and then I saw myself missing her. That those moments got me thinking... and the probable answer did put a smile on my face. And if in anyway, I could see the two of us being together....that's when I know I've fallen in love....that's what love is. Though it gives pain, heart breaks... so much that you'd probably just want to let go of everything when it all feels unbearable and you tell yourself you don't want to go through all these again. But love to me, is such that if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Even at the start, before you even take the first step into the relationship, you'd probably be worrying about rejection. Think again... you'll be sorry if you didn't give yourself a fair chance by not asking. People are way different in love relationships compared to being just friends... So don't give up on love, it doesn't give up on you, it never does... the pain you suffer will be worth it. At least you gave yourself a chance if all things failed, but you will always learn to be stronger and better in the next."

Shit...Those words....from me?... hahaa or was it from some higher being speaking through me?
I was astonished by the belief of mine being put forward... to a friend who felt like giving up.
But truely, what I said...applied to me... looking into the past, it was all exactly how I thought things to be...just didn't realise it as it all just went on flowing into my life....

oh well....Maybe all the free time I've been having...just gotten me to find myself... understand myself more...and realise more things about myself....
hahaa...

total body mantainence day!

Starting off early in the morning.... meeting my two buds...Paul and Richmond for workouts...
track running, gym and swim... hahaa...seems like a total body mantainence day!
Had to get those 2 going into some exercise soon anyway...before i get way beyond the unhealthy limits...hahaha..
anyway...its all great!... It's been long since we did such kinda stuff like that together..
We thought that it'll be good to do this every weekend!
Get healthy!

Later, it's salsa time again too!...hahaha...



~Right after touch down...
The first thing that came to mind
was to chuck all my stuff behind
leaving then in the office
And finding you...
To see you off...

Felt excited for you
Felt happy for you
and though you said
glitches sprang up at the last minute
but yet I could feel
deep in you that's so real...
That you were happy that the day has come...
for you to relax and have fun.

It was great to see you after long...
'til you come back...
Max brenner here we come!...~