I'm feeling alone tonight
with no you by my side
even as you're there,
I see there's something on your mind...
I feel as if the love shared before
is in both of us confused that I hope to cure
'til this time
do you know I still love you...
but I don't wish for us
to end up in a squabble again...
baby I miss the times
when we both were secure and sane
smiling away from all this pain
I want to think objectively...
I really need to...
coz I'm not sure if you're ready for the life I'm leading...
but I know it's hard...
'til now I still tear with every moment
arise my wanting to having you near...
yet I can't...
I'm lost...I want to find myself...
I don't know how we should conclude us...
maybe there is a way
I hope one day
answers will come to us...
or do you already have in mind?
I don't know...
where are we?
what are we?
all I know that still
every moment in time...
I'm missing you...

A lousy day just went by
without you by my side
I've got to admit...
I miss you
what used to be
and what's not right now...
starting to work my head off everything else I can think off
but at the end of the day... I find...
myself mentally exhausted...
can't carry on...
though physically still hyper active...
flashes of you sparked before me
I tear...and looking at what happy photos we had
the harder it came...
I just hide in my shell...
in fear of angry faces...
and only anger emotions...
feeling the lowest once more...
no matter what others may say
but the kenneth still lies
lost... not knowing where to go...
though somehow will get up strong
but aching seems like's here to stay...
yes...yes...
I still miss...
missing you...
with this...I'd just want to leave my room
and into a run unending... where only thing I think
my breathing pace...
where am I...
how long more...
and problems left behind...
til I return...
back in the cubicle...my room...
0207 a place of memories
a place we started once more.

A second day
with a heart without a home
gone is the candy to my eyes
come a thief in the middle of the night
to steal my heart away
then it will have a place to stay
with no love
it's the only way...
or I'm just stranded
like a devil without the horns
an angel without my wings
niether here nor there
Just fallen...
right here on the ground
lost and unfound
Let me burn...
Burn away
What's the point when
I'm not sure where I am
reaching out for nothing
just nothing at all
all I feel is the heat
the tears the pain
how long once again?
how long do I have to feel this pain?
need to drift away to the open
the great open of mental freedom

Deep beyond my anger
there's sadness
alittle walk within you'll find pain
Beside is where you see tears
And finally reaching the core
Yet you still find love

Yet another night
tanning under the lonesome moonlight
I see myself once again
having just me for company
Could I help it?
There's nothing I can do
nothing more left to do
the pain resides sinking
slowly spearing in
with ever beat right through
the weakened heart
I cry the hardest tears
to know what I had
and what I loved
the very drive I had
is now gone...
all the energy in-store
if only love was for who I am
not what I could give
surprises that were planned
treats that were awaiting
just had to vanish or gone wasted
floating into the nothingness of the air
What else could I do
those were only meant for you
If only patience was the virtue
the little things would've been picked up
and at least the effort
was still appreciated
One will never know
the preparation
the slow heartful process
with every little thought
wholesome love was garnish
Afterall it's the result that mattered most
maybe lovers
where commitment plays no part
and thus expectations levelled
your space and mine
lives knitted yet departed
the course of uncertainty sets
and back to where time started
we return again into us
directionless and no where to go
Back to where I am
with nights
tanning under the lonesome moonlight...

Sigh...

heartfelt emotion
Creeping from deep inside
Cause being this person
Is all I've got left resides
all I want is love
Someone who can share the pain I feel
And the eyes that stare
Won't stare at me no more
Cos all I need is time
Time for me to open up and show
The person I am
The person you think you know
You don't know

My love for you has always been beyond what you'd expect
but with it intangiable
to feel it is to take time in appreciation
my heart opens to you always, a door I never closed
no matter what and no matter how
no matter what you said to me
no matter how you'd treat me
it still stays the same
it never cast you away from my mind
rather keeps you in somewhere safe
'til the day hopefully you'll able to recieve
I'm not saying I'm a man with no flaws
in fact I was built with flaws to a million
yet at times there are things that were done with a reason
mistakes that slipped for none
I pray one day
that very one day will come
when you and I can settle our differences
coming together and just be happy...
in content and joy...
young you are now
and I guess you'd feel there are many out there
who can offer you more than what I have
more than what I materially give now
a better brain to immediately remember all of you
Maybe until the day you fully understand
what's commitment, value, cherish and stability...
most of all that love is nothing about what the other does for you
but loving with everything you have...
I'm there.

I want to love you...
I want to be there for you
I want to be beside you
I want to make you happy
I want to be everything you want of from a guy....
Does that guy exist?
Are you working on with me?
oh please...why do you have to do this to me?
Do you even have us towards forever in your mind?
Did it ever resided in you at all?

relationship
isn't about just thinking you want us to work out
isn't about telling your friends the problems more than you talk to me about it
isn't about just hinting and carry on hinting if it doesn't work...
isn't about just you
isn't about just me

I built my world around you
just to let you topple it again and again
I wrapped my heart and to enfold you with love
just to let you smash it and tear it apart
I put away every pride I have begging to have you back
just to let you hit me with cold treatment
I took away any hurt and every pain of the past
just to let you place them in again
but through it all...
I loved you with all my heart...
everyday hoping
just to let you truely love me back...
for who I am
for what I am
for how I am...
I guess you don't exactly practice what you preach...
coz all the things you said you've done before
you've not done any for me

How do you love me?
What have you loved me for?
Anyway... thanks for the time you put urself through that seemed so torturous to you...
seemed so hurtful to you...
I'm the cause of it all...if that's the way you'll like to see it...

Really, what was today and what was 4 months ago...
it remained indifferent and as cold you were as hard hearted you were...
you are still just like it as before...
Did you love me more?
Or is it my imagination and a story told by you bringing me in make believe?

What is it now? oh what is it now?
At a huge lost I am... this is madness...crazy...
Getting all pissed...irritated with everything and anything?... what about she smoking?
She just hits at it without having back the thought that I'm affected by that habit of hers?
We talked about it before too right?... And so why is it that she is still at it and not controlling at all?
And by me making a slip... she can't freaking stand it and has to slowly break things up...
Oh no I'm sorry you didn't want a break up, but why are you emphasising the thing that you aren't happy about this and that?
And about everything I do is seemingly pointless and not making any change in the way she feels and stuff?
You still love me?
Do you? really?... I'm saying that we trash things out as a couple...and move on from it...
but you are saying you don't get any answers from your questions and whatever you point out about me I don't accept.
Have you ever thought that your being self righteous is whacking all these up?

Telling me you want us to workout about a month ago...yes I do see you loving me more... but have you changed anything for me? I'm supposed to be the one to understand you... be around for you....buy this and that for you... pamper you...
So tell me...look at it on the other side....at another angle...
What is it that shows me you want me in the first place?... Or is it that I was freaking blind and just gave us another chance after all the pain I went through... though it was 3mths apart... recovery for me? you got to be kidding... it was 3mths of pain...
you broke up with me not the other way round.
I felt the hurt... and the hurt I felt was far far harder than you think.
With you telling me straight int he face that you don't love me....
is that easy to take?...
Never did I ever told you I didn't love you... never did I ever rip your heart apart causing the huge ache...

You cry and you cry harder...with your friends around to support you...and just say that "aw kenneth is not making you happy....just break up with him".... so how does that even help?
It totally doesn't

I'm starting to see something here... I feel that there is 2 ways to go about this whole thing....
I guess maybe, we should just give both ourselves a time out...a time to sought things out...
for you to think it through if you actually are ready for a true relationship...in reality.

With nothing, you think romance easily comes? all I have is the left time I have after all that I must deal with... all I have is the heart to love you even after so much hurt I've gone through....you don't feel it coz you probably want something tangiable... something that you can see... But you never know that somethings are only seen beyond the present...

You talk about other guys able to buy you gifts and such...
where does the money come from?... solely them? they work full time for it?
Or is it pocket money?
What I have is my hard earned... every cent was my work... thinking before I spend is something I have to...
I don't take my finances for granted... I don't have enough I've to live with it... do you?...
I can't just reach out my hands to ask for alittle sympathy cash...
And beyond all these...what I have I give... why don't you see the value behind everything?

You only have done the "maybe Kenneth is....." besides that?
Do you go all out for me?...tell me?...through the one month...I saying, Darling ...my dear..you really haven't.
And I don't ask of that from you, because I know it's really crazy to want impractical stuff to happen...

You say you buy small things for me also....oh yes...sorry I do that too...
I'd go all out to get you stuff to surprise you too... but it's only that you don't appreciate it.
And just now it seems so easy for you to take all the things out to return it back to me.... c'mon... for me, taking out every part of my memory of you is like tearing a part of myself...even walking out and shutting the door at you.

Whenever you've not eaten, I can't bring myself to even go for a meal because I can't be filled when you arent...
so when was it that this all happens the other way round?

I would walk through odds to get to you...but to you it's just about getting to you and not what I had to go through...
coz it's only the end results... So have you ever thought that it's not me not trying in the first place?
You mentally talking to yourself...telling yourself that "maybe...Kenneth....blah blah blah"... is also in the form of mental loving me...but how do you show it through your actions? on what you'd do for me that tells me you really want this all to work?
I'm the one making changes....yes I slip once in awhile....but are you going to let that go? the little mistakes of slipping? and understanding that I'm human and not robo Kenneth?
To me it's fine that you make mistakes....and if people can't let you get away with it...they are petty...
I'm here not even remembering anything you did wrong or thoughtless...not because you didnt' do it, because I feel that all those aren't worth remembering.... to spoil and sour the relationship...
What for? moreover I'm afterall a practical person.

I think you and I have to rethink...us...
we should stop and think about everything else... both of us seriously need time.
But I guess saying all these are just only side of thought...
if I'm anything to you right now...and you feel it's all a pain to go through thinking about us...
nevermind....forget it...
I'll stand the aside...and abide by what I promised....

My pain and heartache...
is just but a minor splinter to you...
all that mattered was yourself...
never thinking what I went through
Just to be loving you
All that mattered was error
that I had no allowance
a step into it
simple rage the entire of your world
firing anything that hurts
like a million spears
yet spare me not...
peirced my fragile heart
every single shot did...
leaving me weak and disabled.
Yet I drive myself still
having my love for you
the love that you found no appreciation for
the love that you didn't feel...
the love that you felt were just words...
to move on to walk up to you
saying I still love you
no matter what I'll still be there...
I'm not giving up
not because I can't live without you
rather I don't want to live without you
I want to make it with you...
but hey, have you ever tried?
really reaching out for the other side....?
loving you was the happiest thing I could ever think about
but what does loving me mean to you?
trashing me up once...
twice and thrice?
I don't verbally hail hurt at you
neither do I with any intent
I say things that in general
one would think about
while wanting to work a long term r/s
for once that hit you
and all of you are against me
I'm feeling so much pain but do you know?
Do you care?
Every call I get from you after our tiff
my heart skips a beat
thinking that things will be alright...
Things will be great between us once again...
I look forward to forever with you,
and work on things beyond what you can see now...
My feelings are true and things that you can count on
to have by your side always...
even when the world is falling against you
I'm still there...
But how am I to show you all that?
I guess....I guess...
oh the pain to say...
you'll never know...
unless you truely open your heart
and show by actions too
how much I mean to you
That in all these, it's not just me...
it's about us wanting this to happen.

Maybe it's easier for you to let me go
with your friends' support of putting me away...
and somebody whom you feel is sweet
all around you...

Against where I stand...
a person whom you find no sweetness comes from...
and hurt that he can't understand
unromantic that makes you wonder why to love him...
And most saddening of all...
a guy whom you feel unhappy and painful to be with....

I hope I'm wrong...I hope I'm wrong at all these...
I wish things were different
I wish we both are happier together...
and that you'll truely understand my difficulties...

The start of the 'catching up work' week...with the coming week 10 of this semester a simulated scare of SARS...
Darn...so those couldn't care less people crammed us all into lots of work to deal with in just a week of so called break.

Just done with the horrible subject test...a long 1hr plus... wasn't funny.
It was turning me nuts! driving me against the wall...
Even after studying so much for it yet many had no idea how to deal with the questions that hit us!
Can you imagine? What's the whole point of this?....to kill us?

Fortunately I didn't just put up my time on that....for the whole night...
managed a quick ani-project to earn myself a quick $100...cool huh....

I guess it's worth it...1 sleepless night to work up something and with alittle luck to gain favour. Otherwise my works through would've been for nothing....

The only thing that drove me for that was wanting to lighten the load of my poor darling who lost her handphone on sunday...
I know I can't take on huge projects now that can earn me enough to get her a whole new one....but I hope this would at least help in some way...

Maybe if I can find some others, I'd do as and when possible to bring in alittle more...so the lost isn't that great on the cost... but of coz the sentimental value of it means way beyond what we can value...

sigh...a longer week to go...so much to deal with...yet duno where to start and don't know how to...
it's madness...I just want to spend some time with her...


Let there be wind
Let there be rain
A lark and a dove
But oh please most of all
Let there be love!

My memory hits

The more my memory hits
The more the strain
The more shivers sent
The more exhausion sips in
And soon the weaker my legs are
The numbness flows
There I stagger to a stop
The feeling of collapsing
And down I go
My eyes shut into the darkness
And there once again
Reality sits in
The more my memory hits...

There is no running away...
What's strongly in me,
has been with me since time started
In April yes the beautiful sparks
the little bright light
shines as aways through and through
In joy in sadness in pain
then in joy in sorrow in pain
How the flow is and went
Yes...oh yes it still stays
and thus my memory hits...

My love..My dear, My darling...
Here my hands outreached...
how can I enfold you
with my wide open embracing arms...
Warmth I give
your sorrows I take
My tears I wish to wash away the sadness between us thereafter...
I awaiting...
here...I am...
right here waiting for you...

the remainding... the finding... the wonders...

Going through the day...
not wanting to miss the thing in my life...
esp the important ones... Min, then everything else.

I guess, things are just digging deeper into me...
The need to see her happy, but I'm wondering if I really am.
Anything that comes to mind, I'd just do...
not thinking if she would recieve it in the first place...just do...

I'm feeling her kinda numbness... which I feel that it's probably because of me.
I feel there is a need to spend some time with her...together...to do some stuff...
out of the campus compounds for a walk... just some quiet and lonely just the 2 of us kinda walk...
To have once again a good weekend, which I guess we didn't have a chance to have since we started again...
we were both filled with stuff to do in the weekends that it's never left alone for just the both of us.
And I hope that with this coming week 'break' I'd put some time off to be with her. doesn't matter where ...just be.

I feel my crawling for her... the need... the yearn... the lack of her...
And I just want to make up for the lost times...the times we lost and thus an outcome that I never wanted...

I love her...
Baby... I hope you know...
I hope that you'll be happy...with smiles and joy to be back with me...
I love you...!

Remember I can't
of memories I was last well rested...
probably the only time was...
oh yes I do know when
The most important to my living sanity
she was there...
Those were the moments I just dissolved
Right into the arms of her...
Felt nothing but pure comfort.
Now, I just want to keep my life
hitting a pause...a direct coma
holding still everything that's in bombardment
completing myself once again.
It hasn't been...oh no it sure hasn't been at all
that I know for the past few days at least
I was empty... now I'm beginning to be filled up once more
I thought I was at a lost...
was smashed at the sight or the knowledge of the way things are...
And how I dealt with it all...
I just want to daze through the afternoon with you
flowing in my poetic mind once more...
It's been just for you...
only has
Just as my heart
for you alone and nobody else.....


Feeling sad at the way things were...and how things went through for the passing days...
Many people asked me why and what happened... for the while I didn't dare say...in fear of bursting...
with eyes bleeding tears of love lost...
But having spoken to a few close friends...guys and girls alike...
Wanted to have a different perspective of my life and how things were...
I couldn't just take a view for it... I know how naturally friends are.
They side you very much... If I'm wrong about how things were...I'd like to know and not being covered up.
I want to know the complexity of love...of r/s...
It's important to me just as it is in wanting to work this r/s well...to keep it...
To fight and win over the sense of numbness...
I'll put in even my last second...or my last penny on this...
Coz'...I realised... the effects of how words are can be at wrong times...
Regardless of how adult you intend to deal with it.
I realised that men in general are just naturally stupid pigs in love...
I know too.... that I didn't use to be like this... I knew what to do...I always did..no matter how
and now yes right now I want it all back...I want all that abilities back...
God take away my sensitivity to the other world or the visions that I really don't wanna see...
I just want back what humans call Romance...
I so that I may
Romance...in the simplest yet loving manner to the one who's dear to me.

Baby... I hope that you are able to see what you really mean to me... if not, at least slowly seeing some sparkles...

Like a vast green field with a budding flower...or the unending ocean with a brilliance of a growing pearl...

When it comes...it comes...

But please, wake me up... with a slap when needed to... save me for the clouding of the earthly rushes... pull me back to baseline. I won't let you go...
So please don't go..

Just saw my dear...
hoping to talk things out...
sigh...right after a whole day of stuff...
God it's really taxing...!!
I just want her to be happy...
Why can't I do that now?... Kenneth...out of the box thinking you must...
my mind is so cropped up! I can't stand it...how am I going to take this? I really don't know...
Somebody...help me!
SAve me! someone!
give me some leads!!!....

I've been cracking my dumb head all day...yet I can't think of anything...
sigh...

I've to do something and I want to do something....

=/
help me! someone!!

time, room, space

~~~~~~~~~~
I need a little time
to think it all over
I need a little space
Just on my own
To find my mental freedom
It's funny how quick milk turns sour
Isn't it?
You face looked like that for hours
Hasn't it?
Promises turn to dust
Beauty rings all to rust
trust to mistrust
but sometimes mistrust to trust
I need a little room
to find myself
I need a little space to find myself
Lips that promise
fear the worst
And tongue so sharp
the bubble burst
Now...
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To check what's wrong
to find truths and wonders
And I still love you.
I guess freedom and pamper
you wanted bad
placing your decision
It's yours in you hands
Well I hope you're glad
So what if
I've had a little time
I've had alittle room
I've had a little space
To think it all over
to want to work it out
your doors tightly shut
you called it off....
What am I to you now?
where I stand?
I'm guessing...
it's the feeling...
Totally...
right now...
simply nowhere...
Do you really want us at all?
Wasn't it strong enough?
With a series of quarrels and stumbles...
And now to end, it was all...
Such easy thing to say...
When you took me deep
so deep to love you...
just to smash me up there after...
and with mistakes
you didn't allow me alter...
Aches...pains...
a 2nd day without you
just to form a chain....
``````````

Pain grows without you...

A part of me is thinking, she may just want me away from her now...
I guess she might want to end us for good... from the tone she gave when I went upstairs to try talk to her.
I duno. And with the fact that girl friends intervention in relationship issues, usually don't help much...coz they support on side only and overall...
But anyway it's all her choice... she chooses to believe in them and whatever things they say I guess I can't control...

I guess I'm just never the guy who gives the cinderella setting or fairytale I might say to girls...
coz maybe I'm just too practical and that maybe also...at the moment I'm more looking for a life partner...someone to stay with for long and I'd want to clear things up...likes, dislikes and stuff...issues to handle dealing with security feelings... anything...
Once done, fully understanding the other would then be possible...
And I wanted that with her...
I'm not sure if there is any more thinking thru on her side now...
coz once again I'm seeing the hot, pissed, angry girl in her...that I saw before...
I never saw why is it so difficult for her to forgive when I could do that for her case?....
Am I not special enough to her as she said I was?...
Being special is really about making her exclusive to me...
There isn't any girl taking pics beside me on a close less than shoulder length away...
There isn't me going out with any other girls unless just old time friends and yet going out in a large group...
There totally isn't... and my time surrounded what I had to deal with in my life and her....basically that...
That's exclusive... a call is all it takes to take me out of it...just tell me she really needs me now and I'll be down there...
but I guess that's not what she was looking for in a guy... I have to think on my feet aside all the other things I've to handle...
And my pampering is nothing compared to her so many guy friends...
people have seen and heard what I've been capable of and how generous I can be in special occassions...
and esp those times when I could afford the full time and money...
But now...being limited...I just deal with what I can give...
Is that not good?...
I'm seriously in big questions...
Baby darling... I really love you and thus I gave you the exclusiveness that makes me different from other of your guy friends...
I dun do the things I do for any other girls...
Yet, your photography friend was chosen above me too...and you can say it's your friend....what about mine?
Do I have no feelings?... I'm not robot not made of steel...only human...
I asked certain questions...my insecurities weren't because I didn't trust...but rather I wanted you for long and I want that affirmation from you... you didn't have to show me much...just tell me...just say it. And it's so difficult for you to do that.
I don't remember a day I forgot to say 'I love you'
I don't remember a day I don't affirm our relationship...
"Maybe you are better off with other guys?" the question that was a hit on the score boards...? well how about answering that as "It's you I'm better off with" ?
confidence in a relationship requires time to build... it's not like some few weeks thing...
And asking questions and talking about issues openly makes the difference... I realised that since the last time we broke up.
I made the change...I decided I must talk to you about everything I'm going through...anything that I'm feeling... I can't lie to you... and just be frank...telling you the truth...but did you handle it well?
Or should I just simply handle it myself and keep you away from it all like the past? And at the end of it when things blow up and you come to know about it...the problem becomes lack of communication...
Before I even decide on any activities, I considered you... put aside the responsibilities I held and promises I made to friends before any commitments were laid down...
I always thought that would you be doing or would you need me around at that time?...anything...
If you think the normal guy friends would do all those for you...I really have no case to fight... but they are doing what they do simply coz' they are interested in you...
On the contruary, I was willing to be there for you even when I was just a friend to you after we broke up and mending my wounds... kept trying different means to find out how you were...
how you were feeling.... if you needed emotional support.
All these...can't be held...can't be touched...
but are these not valueable enough or at all?
Are you going to tell me the other guys do all that for you too?...
At the end of the day I would be the one kneeling down on bended knees putting pride aside from the relationship to ask for whatever forgiveness or ask to be taken back...
But both times I see a cold face looking at me with no expression... unaffected... telling me to go away or "Don't want to hear from you"...
But yet even so, I still come back...
Why?...
Is this not love?...
is this not love, that whatever the case is I'm still beside you and coming back to you?
If not what is it?
Till this point I'm still on the fight and not giving up inside me...
to want you back...
but if you are going to put a blockage in you... saying that you aren't going to react to anything I do...
You are basically telling me that there is no point doing anything coz' anything I'm going to do, isn't going to make a difference until you really have sorted things out and cooled down.

I hope you really take some time to think things through...about us, what we've been through...what it really means to have a guy loving you...

Not just for me, but for yourself too...

I sent you the song "that's all" sang by Rod Stewart, Michael Buble and Adam Sandler...
I meant every thing and every words in it..."all I have are these arms to enfold you...and a love that time can never destroy..."
"Grow old with you"...? I meant the lyrics too... did you?
Maybe before sending anything in future, we should find out if it's really what each of us truely mean.
Coz' to me, it's important...to mean it when you are giving something...not for the sake of romance. Coz' pure romance will soon die off leaving nothing on the surface...

Sigh...I really want to with me...even now..
as I sit on my desk typing in tears...
I need you coz I love you...never was it the other way round.


If you can't understand that,
I'd just shut up next time...

Up and down from 2nd to 4th I go...
wanting to see her so much...
but yet she ain't alone...
why is there is stoppage?...
what's stopping me?
am I not a person who knows no fear?
Why the fear of the past?
Why the fear of her not alone?
Why then the fear of walking right in?

why why why?

Coz I fear I might say another set of wrong things?
of turning crazy?
being madness and tearing in front of her again?
What what what is it?

I'm lost and all alone...
long before I used to think
that I could make it on my own...
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
And I need you back to stay.
I wondered through the night...
to search the words to make it right...
With you here close to me
All I really want is just the way it used to be...
I've got to make you see,
I'm really lost without your love...
seems that life without you isn't worth the trouble of...
and I really love you with all my heart...

A day in gloom and darkness

The day just went by…
Woke up with a morning sigh.
I felt empty…
It wasn’t hungry nor mindless
But rather a heart that has lost
A very great and valuable thing.
Month’s time went by,
Started with the beauty and warmth.
But once again losing my senses
With so much to deal with…
But holding so little resources.
My mind is lost…
So lost deep inside you.
You didn’t know,
Maybe coz’ it was simply
More emotional that material.
Something intangible can’t proof anything.
Well that’s only human to think that way…
I can’t help it,
likewise found it hard
to simply keep my darn mouth shut.
Blurting out things that hit you so hard.
I guess I broke it.
The very outcome I never intended for.
Especially to you, the person I’ve always wanted more.
And then as I walked to laboratories one after another
There was no drive in me to go for the next
Constantly dragging myself like to ground I was fixed.
I haven’t been sleeping well
With so much in mind
Like I’m trapped in a prison cell.
Locked up in a place of my own,
Pondering over matters over issues
Over studies over projects…
The wretched student’s life.
For a moment in the afternoon,
Three twelfths off half day gone…
My mind went blank…
For the moment, I saw darkness…
I was calling out yet nobody could hear me.
My body and mind felt heavy…
And the head was bruised on the back…
Physical pain was it…
Flowing into numbness…
Climbing then into consciousness,
I found myself in an unfamiliar place
With people in robes and in white swifting around me…
Blurred in my vision.
Then clearing up, a hospital I was…
Apparently my mind shut off after quiz and the migraine sparked
A blackout in my entire consciousness.
I can’t remember where I was last.
Things happened so fast,
I could hardly feel it…
But the pain resides… just kept coming.
Cabbing back, all I had in mind
was to have You by my side.
I need you…
I love you…
Would you be prepared to forgive me?
Let us start all over again…
Where the bliss came
The warmth enfolded us…
Bring us smiles
And me, pushing away all that’s hurting
All the past for a fresh anew…
I love you darling…

My mind's a mess...
Heat is all fired up...
Things are going in a swirl...
The taste of bitterness...
A dash of sourness...
give me a solution
I need to fill in the blanks...
does pain come hand in hand?
A good buddy of love?
The deeper I go...
I deeper I feel...
A new figure
A sudden consistency
Brings a new threat...
seemingly not
but I'll never know.
I know one, but not the other...
I'm trying to deal...
dealing with it right now....

I was.....

Happy,
jealous,
smoked,
mentally drained,
but yet definitely in love...

a mixed set of feelings all in a simple day...

But the only thing I just sit and wonder... if it's right to feel jealous at all...

I'm not sure how to react....not sure what to say....
Maybe it's something that I should just brush off and not bother about...
Or maybe I deserved it after the heart break I caused and things are just imploding down upon me...
I don't know.

But after taking a nice warm shower at the end of the day... returning to my residential cubicle...
I decided... yes...I am jealous...
Probably a guy's thing but then...maybe it's just me.
somehow, I don't feel much at ease... It's not the matter of trust... but I just have the feeling that is scratching at the walls of my mind...
Keep quiet and reconsider the need of feeling so...
or just open up and see what happens next?...

Well, life is full of unexpected stuff...isn't it?...well, when it comes...just deal.
Argh!...whatever...back to my notes and books!

Project testing....test test test....lab lab....
and what in the world did I never expect actually happened?
I electric shock twice in a day!!! damn it!
Stupid test partner kept forgetting to earth something and when I connect the mains I had to be the recieving end of his shit!!

fortunately for some small fuses and a circuit breaker to lower the impact or....I'm just a fried piece of NTU crap
With that hitting twice...I'm actually feeling weird...

oh well...
The high part of the day was yet seeing and supporting my baby in her dance performance....THE NEXT WAVE!!!

She did well...
everytime I see her dancing or in any dance, I'll just sit there...smile and feel good.
leaving me mesmerized...
hmmm.....

Whatever she feels about her performace, I still feel it was a good set...
Good work dear!

What a day it's been

Oh what a horrid day had just passed....
really takes alot of optimism to get through....
worked real hard on some proj proposal presentation and at the end of it
got shot down right in the face...leaving my team shocked in silence.
Now instead of a load off our back...it's a load one up to us...
madness...as if studying engineering isn't bad enough...

been rushing the day through with Design assignments and stuff....it's real madness this week's been. argh....
rushing off for work on the many days and all ends up into nothingness....all the say is..
"Oh it's ok....it quite alright..." or "Oh no I don't think so...You narrowed your scope too much...don't focus into blah blah blah..."
And that's it... effort = so such a comment at the end of the day. WTF!

I miss Moi Minzie...so near yet so far...she has a quiz nearing...don't wanna disturb her yet want and yearn for her so much...
Think she needs some time to simmer down on our issue then I'll step in to do the emo stuff...like sayang her...chat chat with her and things like that.... Just wanna go to her a give a little peck on the cheeks...

Sigh...guess its gona be yet another lonely night for me...hugging myself to dreamland...arms doing a self wrap crossed hand..

=/

Teething?....moi?

Oh no...
Me on second second growth of teeth?
First the itching gums...
then next the "bite around" habit.
Shoot! I gotta get this crap off me!
I nimbled here and nimbled there....
Simply nimbled everywhere...
Unfortunately... chanced upon an injuring nimble
On my babe...
Just gotten her all fumed up and upset!

It's been a bit terrible thing all gone wrong...
Away with this habit...
And me stop chewing like carrots to rabbits!

Argh!!

What am I feeling today?...
emo crappy or is it physical literally crappy?
Guess, my treshold for anger is gona become and issue,
as the time of mental war draws near...
I wish not it comes...
It's pure headache, pure rage, pure lost in the mind of confusion and pain...

Even I'm not sure what I'm feeling today...
at a blur... into something I can't define....
can't determine...
Work stress?... handling too many things at a go?....bad combination of modules and stuff?
I don't know...clueless
WTF....

Anyway...
tummy was crappy today too...
total 8 visits to drop zone within 2hrs....making that about every 15mins I had
so say hi to the stinking bowl....
ouch! like my bottoms are smokin'...
Maybe sitting on ice would jut be good....numbing me of everything...