What is it now? oh what is it now?
At a huge lost I am... this is madness...crazy...
Getting all pissed...irritated with everything and anything?... what about she smoking?
She just hits at it without having back the thought that I'm affected by that habit of hers?
We talked about it before too right?... And so why is it that she is still at it and not controlling at all?
And by me making a slip... she can't freaking stand it and has to slowly break things up...
Oh no I'm sorry you didn't want a break up, but why are you emphasising the thing that you aren't happy about this and that?
And about everything I do is seemingly pointless and not making any change in the way she feels and stuff?
You still love me?
Do you? really?... I'm saying that we trash things out as a couple...and move on from it...
but you are saying you don't get any answers from your questions and whatever you point out about me I don't accept.
Have you ever thought that your being self righteous is whacking all these up?

Telling me you want us to workout about a month ago...yes I do see you loving me more... but have you changed anything for me? I'm supposed to be the one to understand you... be around for you....buy this and that for you... pamper you...
So tell me...look at it on the other side....at another angle...
What is it that shows me you want me in the first place?... Or is it that I was freaking blind and just gave us another chance after all the pain I went through... though it was 3mths apart... recovery for me? you got to be kidding... it was 3mths of pain...
you broke up with me not the other way round.
I felt the hurt... and the hurt I felt was far far harder than you think.
With you telling me straight int he face that you don't love me....
is that easy to take?...
Never did I ever told you I didn't love you... never did I ever rip your heart apart causing the huge ache...

You cry and you cry harder...with your friends around to support you...and just say that "aw kenneth is not making you happy....just break up with him".... so how does that even help?
It totally doesn't

I'm starting to see something here... I feel that there is 2 ways to go about this whole thing....
I guess maybe, we should just give both ourselves a time out...a time to sought things out...
for you to think it through if you actually are ready for a true relationship...in reality.

With nothing, you think romance easily comes? all I have is the left time I have after all that I must deal with... all I have is the heart to love you even after so much hurt I've gone through....you don't feel it coz you probably want something tangiable... something that you can see... But you never know that somethings are only seen beyond the present...

You talk about other guys able to buy you gifts and such...
where does the money come from?... solely them? they work full time for it?
Or is it pocket money?
What I have is my hard earned... every cent was my work... thinking before I spend is something I have to...
I don't take my finances for granted... I don't have enough I've to live with it... do you?...
I can't just reach out my hands to ask for alittle sympathy cash...
And beyond all these...what I have I give... why don't you see the value behind everything?

You only have done the "maybe Kenneth is....." besides that?
Do you go all out for me?...tell me?...through the one month...I saying, Darling ...my dear..you really haven't.
And I don't ask of that from you, because I know it's really crazy to want impractical stuff to happen...

You say you buy small things for me also....oh yes...sorry I do that too...
I'd go all out to get you stuff to surprise you too... but it's only that you don't appreciate it.
And just now it seems so easy for you to take all the things out to return it back to me.... c'mon... for me, taking out every part of my memory of you is like tearing a part of myself...even walking out and shutting the door at you.

Whenever you've not eaten, I can't bring myself to even go for a meal because I can't be filled when you arent...
so when was it that this all happens the other way round?

I would walk through odds to get to you...but to you it's just about getting to you and not what I had to go through...
coz it's only the end results... So have you ever thought that it's not me not trying in the first place?
You mentally talking to yourself...telling yourself that "maybe...Kenneth....blah blah blah"... is also in the form of mental loving me...but how do you show it through your actions? on what you'd do for me that tells me you really want this all to work?
I'm the one making changes....yes I slip once in awhile....but are you going to let that go? the little mistakes of slipping? and understanding that I'm human and not robo Kenneth?
To me it's fine that you make mistakes....and if people can't let you get away with it...they are petty...
I'm here not even remembering anything you did wrong or thoughtless...not because you didnt' do it, because I feel that all those aren't worth remembering.... to spoil and sour the relationship...
What for? moreover I'm afterall a practical person.

I think you and I have to rethink...us...
we should stop and think about everything else... both of us seriously need time.
But I guess saying all these are just only side of thought...
if I'm anything to you right now...and you feel it's all a pain to go through thinking about us...
nevermind....forget it...
I'll stand the aside...and abide by what I promised....

My pain and heartache...
is just but a minor splinter to you...
all that mattered was yourself...
never thinking what I went through
Just to be loving you
All that mattered was error
that I had no allowance
a step into it
simple rage the entire of your world
firing anything that hurts
like a million spears
yet spare me not...
peirced my fragile heart
every single shot did...
leaving me weak and disabled.
Yet I drive myself still
having my love for you
the love that you found no appreciation for
the love that you didn't feel...
the love that you felt were just words...
to move on to walk up to you
saying I still love you
no matter what I'll still be there...
I'm not giving up
not because I can't live without you
rather I don't want to live without you
I want to make it with you...
but hey, have you ever tried?
really reaching out for the other side....?
loving you was the happiest thing I could ever think about
but what does loving me mean to you?
trashing me up once...
twice and thrice?
I don't verbally hail hurt at you
neither do I with any intent
I say things that in general
one would think about
while wanting to work a long term r/s
for once that hit you
and all of you are against me
I'm feeling so much pain but do you know?
Do you care?
Every call I get from you after our tiff
my heart skips a beat
thinking that things will be alright...
Things will be great between us once again...
I look forward to forever with you,
and work on things beyond what you can see now...
My feelings are true and things that you can count on
to have by your side always...
even when the world is falling against you
I'm still there...
But how am I to show you all that?
I guess....I guess...
oh the pain to say...
you'll never know...
unless you truely open your heart
and show by actions too
how much I mean to you
That in all these, it's not just me...
it's about us wanting this to happen.

Maybe it's easier for you to let me go
with your friends' support of putting me away...
and somebody whom you feel is sweet
all around you...

Against where I stand...
a person whom you find no sweetness comes from...
and hurt that he can't understand
unromantic that makes you wonder why to love him...
And most saddening of all...
a guy whom you feel unhappy and painful to be with....

I hope I'm wrong...I hope I'm wrong at all these...
I wish things were different
I wish we both are happier together...
and that you'll truely understand my difficulties...