And today I bled
with tears draining
feeling the biting of torn
and it's been long
just very long

Sometimes I happen to sit and bitch about the days of my life...
all within my mind...
All in wonder why it isn't the way I hope for it to be.
Well I guess I ain't a road that you can really see a path that you're going.
I've humming the music of 'everlasting' and now I'm just on the verge of seeing that
as total bull crap.
a feeling of having given up on what I hope to be long term.
May be Buddhism might have some truth to what life is.
That nothing is forever.
Hmm...well maybe I know what's forever...
the rut that goes through.

Maybe even with my so broken body, I might just wanna go back into the sporting lifestyle...
No need to be the top optimist sportsman and live the kind of life I used to be 7 years ago
where it's all about I fast I go, how strong I become...
But rather just the free mind that I held inside.
going into the high seas and braving the storms...
Seems to me that the physical challenges threatening my life was easier to deal with
than the mental chore and the tiresome daily routine of bothering about everything.
When you can't not bother about it all.
Can't help but to worry and care for everything that's close within my place...
If one day I ever do....
I'd probably already dead.

Fortunately for blogs or online diaries...
where I throw my written vomit. :p

Fortunately for my trusty weights that have not failed me and seen me through all the pains
well and giving me the pains too....physical ones that is...

But I've yet to find a trusty dummy for me to just do my hard punches on....to let that high energy free
the heated energy...

Oh well...maybe giving up the macho shit....music itself can soothe the soul and once in awhile some tear
can just cleanse the soul inside...Only human.

Damn it...This very moment I need to tire the daylights out of me...

Like a rut it seems...
The warm feeling to love
but the pain to miss
The smiles of affection
but the aches being without...
Just one day I'll get used to this...
maybe it's all in a package...
all picked off the top shelfs
of emotional 'extra value meal'
or a swinging roller-coaster ride...

And the retest for Chilli Crabs after 3 freaking years of not touching the concoction...
Verdict...
hmmm....well you gotta ask those who've tried it...
and seems there ain't anything left for a second try....
:p

Weekend ending..

Weekend is coming to an end...
I think... it somehow has open my mind to some different perspectives...
Probably I've not yet really thought of. Maybe, just to keep myself away from feeling like shit.

Life should just be simpler right?

Wrong.
Life ain't that simple. And it just can't be what I'd love it to be and I guess I've to just be alittle robotic
and try to have myself alittle more hardy. Be it in anything at all..
But if I ever succeed in doing so, people will probably find me a total unfeeling person with no emotions
or whatsoever. So the question is...is it the preferred mode?...hmm... pros and cons now...
then again....Who could understand the shit being stirred?

I think I really need to vanish into the nothingness and just meditate...reflect alittle...
I with all my sincerity...
hate to be left in limbo...suddenly not knowing why in the crap I'm in a crossroad.
And somehow, I am seemingly placed in such a position that I'm just seated there in wonder.
Like, what I'm doing is always having tones behind that I've to look into....
which seems like a whole lot of issues that I've to clear up, taking half the amount of brain cells left in my head...
strategizing, foresight, calculations, decisions, problem solving, planning schemes and protections and
all the blah blah...though it's like a forte and I like doing but, as the saying goes..."too much of anything is no good"
And where am I going with doing all these? Maybe I need something that is structured in pathways while
now things seem rather bleak...which I totally not so much into the liking of.
Lost some in my investments 3 months ago and feeling the crunch just when I can't pull out of it, otherwise
everything else will come tumbling...I used to be able to come up with something that can turn me around
with a snap of my fingers....but why not now?....sigh...maybe I'm just having too much of my
half set of brain cells overloaded on...and I see it calls for some shifting very soon....in the works for that...
coz it's a must.
And the very thing that strengths me through days is still on a halfway house that I can't say much at the moment...
still seeing how things goes, and having to look at the fact that I can legally burn rubber on tar before knowing anything...
sometimes, I really keep asking myself the same old question why...but like I said...
it's like asking a question when I already know what's to come...
So better just keep my mouth shut.
right?.....right...

oh well...cheers! hava happy easter for those who are celebrating...

And tomorrow, I might just call in for leave... need to keep myself on the hook somewhere...
Just can't work like that...
sort things out is a must...I know I can do it....
erhmmm.....somehow...

Funny how I'd so simply just keep writing the whole day...
Be it on work, be it on thoughts and be it on feelings...
My hands are starting to just speak! what use becomes my mouth then? :p

yah crap...

Suddenly I'm feeling some burning sensation at the back of my mind...
just to fill up my adrenalin boiling blood.
Scare the wits off myself once again...
Maybe I'm just lacking of that in a while..or maybe I should say a long while.
Sometimes, being overly excited at one side of my life that is happening
might not just be a thing to do...
Then the talks of Yin and Yang will come rushing in and slap me in the face,
telling me it's all off balance.
No Kenneth...tell me, what's important in your life right now?
I constantly have my brains mumbling within itself...like it's a separate part of me.

Well, I guess I've got a few important things to me... and somehow, there is no
differentiation that I can come up with.
That's where monkhood can never come into reality in my life...
well maybe when I actually have given up on everything else...that
could just be yet the last option...
hmmm....nah....bullshit. It won't happen. Rather look at being some
long lost kungfu master hidden up in the mountains of the forgotten and
just simply live my life there myself...
where I breath the highest air, feel the coldest winds, see the darkest nights
yet the wondrous of stars and eat the grass that grow beneath my steps...
Well and just trying to forget what the hell went on 'til I came to such a point.
Oh well...just a thought though. That's when the world comes crashing on me
and I've got nobody behind me to keep my strength going...
That will be the day... or I could be simply lying in the hospital beds just staring into
the nothingness of the wall opposite me, or just the blankness of the other guy
lying, feeling just a crappy being in the hospital we both got ourselves into.

Oh anyway...
Like I said, when that time comes...the plans could've changed. Maybe the trends of being
the kungfu master or the lying in the hospital bed thing has already gone off beat in that social ring.

Now let me continue....

>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>

I dreamt vividly
oh yes most sincerely
words written with fire
across the grounds
that shows my desire...
Like a pitch black sky
with stars joint with symbolism
Of what can't be just blabbered...
Deep inside I held it
Held it oh so tight...
When the moment comes
I'd just show it
But....
Alas the moments keep changing
like a toy of my mind.
What's there to look for and decide on these days?
The wanting of doing so just let it fade...
not knowing when it should come yet again.
Sometimes it doesn't happen oh the pain...
and again and again you'd just hope things would be
and yet nothing you could see...
how then
I can't defend
the feelings deep inside
the very things I yet can't hide...
And then tonight I yet moved heavily...
Too like seeing a hefty 7 or more ahead...
But somehow,
no matter the strength
no matter the vision
no matter the wants...
I'm left breathless...
all in hope that a light-year crosses the path
and in a blink I feel nothing that has been hanging before
and be jolly for the next in step...
coz it's....
one
two
three
four
five...
all it's been so unkind
or maybe so...
it's a self pounding factor
that brought about that smashed
hmm oh yes the water ripples...
a reverse of power that hits with a thousand times harder...
But for now...
I just want a reason to believe....
And I'll find a way to see that it's all true...
As for now....it's just burning
so let it burn
so let it burn
burn into a speck of nothingness once again...
and tomorrow walks another day...
while now I sit with tear drop in my eye...
sometimes confused
sometimes in wonder
sometimes in ponder
but very in love....
My cocktail of flaming tequila!
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And you find that sometimes...life simply moves in a blink...
Even the fast shutter speed catches nothing at the road burning 235km/h along the express way...
Now do you really think the speed tracking cameras are really that effective? :p

Think again...hohoho...

With high reflective night numberings and gloss enhanced finishing car surface and dark tint screens....
The only way is to track such a car in the day...otherwise, don't dream of it...when you see it...
I'll smoke you.

hahahaa...

In the moments I stare...
so blankly
wondering of what's to come tomorrow...
with some matters unclear
still smoldering in the smear...
all mixed up.

Where tomorrow lies bleak
And how the emotion shiver in uncertainty
feels hurting beyond the freezing cold...

The play of words
juggling in suspense
The moves of scorpion dance
where visions of the superficial
all with nothing of bricks and stones...

And I am left once again
at stare in total blankness of the moment...

Just came back to Singapore from Sabah...
I guess I should say that it's been really mentally exhausting this reason...
So many things to solve and so much human problems to handle.

Sometimes I wonder why some management behave in a certain way...
Either penny wise pound foolish or "Wanting the buffalo to work with no adequate grass for filling"
Have been stressing to the old minds sometimes...Look at the bloody BIG picture!

There were many things I foresaw many months ago.
Like the directive we should be going into...
The new diversification we should spread our wings to...
The incentives we should offer...
many many more...
But there don't see it until times like now...
sigh...looks like the stupid army practice is still living...
"rushing to wait and wait to rush" mentality....

Anyway that's why this time round...
I shoot off my own decisions and have started off new forms wherever I go...
So now, I just have to stand on the frontline to act Rambo to backfire pressing issues.

My couter parts all think I'm damn bold...
but what to do...it's the venture capitalist spirit...
wanna do it...then do it big and keep looking forward...

Oh well...for now... I've got some other bigger aims to attain...
and this time, I will not wait for anyone to make the decision...
when the time comes...it's probably a good thing to open my own Private Limited if
the vision in this current company doesn't go in tie with mine... :p
As they say..."Shi jian bu liu ren"
So...when the iron is hot...strike it fast!

Ok very much earlier could just a whole load of crap....
Anyone who feels the same way?
How could anything just tell my character with my name in place?

So What in the world do I really mean?

What Kenneth Chan Wai Mun Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts. You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it. You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator! You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

And my heart pumped hard as I held your hands in mine
a warmth like a spreading qi blew through the veins and every other part of me.
It was like ecstasy a living dream afloat the free sunny skies...
And as you cling on to my arm with short glances while we watched
everything in this world simply felt so right...
enough said...

Nobody argues that the United States is far too dependent on foreign oil.
Environmental special interest groups continue to stand in the way of further exploration for and extraction of our own domestic energy resources. They respond to the growing crisis by demanding instead that we all drive less and turn to exotic, unproven sources of energy.

No one disagrees that diversifying our energy sources is a good idea. But if we really want to break free of our growing dependence on oil controlled by unstable and hostile governments, we must use domestic resource wealth to produce transportation fuels and do so in an environmentally sensitive way.

And I think something from the past is boiling right now to popularity for a big future take over!

:p

Yet another week ending..
like some messy warfront on the job
but a sunny warmth on the other side.
Mind's real stretched
with great extensions
and day's ending relaxations...
Like torrential rain
a darkening back and warmth to front.
So many hiccups
sometimes it simply gets me fed up
gotten enough of the dumping of trash...
But after words in just few moments
some light forces through the cold
To show some truth at the final moment...
Makes my life so darn interesting doesn't it?
Maybe alittle too interesting... :p