The time is about up...
The moment of results is about here...
I shake...
I fear what I'm to see though I say I'm not
yet...
I wanna see it though I say I don't...
it's crazy.
The month is about up
The year is to the end...
And the rest I haven't got...
Many things still undone...
like time was not enough.
Everyday passes by like I was constantly on the run...
a marathon unfinished
a run unending...
But the only comfort I find that I can be lying on
is to know things are good on your side of the world
that the time precious perl
spent with cool people
the way you want it
the way you liked it...
While I standing here...
I know it's the path I've been in
the one I can't get out
at a cross road
where either ways leads to mindless pains
Where numbness is the common thing...
As I move along the gravel
small puddles ripple my falling tears
reflection of sadness
with the kinda days going by...
not denying the aches of not being able
to have you the love of mine
mutual yet unmatched...
loved yet hurt
embracing yet aching...
wanting forever yet can't last to see it
with perceptions all criss crossed in a mess
but everyday I'd wonder how you are
having you in my heart and my mind...
now the only 'friend' I have is work
when the 'friend' still hurts me very much...
I'm back to sanitarium visitation
for the mind blowing syndromes...
either ways...life isn't too friendly
walking on either side of the road...
Just walk Kenneth
Just walk...
walk through it blind folded
and come what may...
though in the darkness
the focal memory is yet her...
with no ways of drowning it...
drinks won't do
sleep won't do
and dying is eternity...

"Still feels like the first night together...
feels like the first kiss
but we're getting weaker
no one can be blame for this
I held on like you're still the one
first when our eyes met
still the feelin' I get
wanna hug you tighter
wanted love to last longer
you could turn the fire on....
if my love was not enough...
but my heart was for you alone...
I wanted our future good...
for all that I've not done or you felt that I should...
Please forgive me
the pain I put you through
Please believe me
my love for you is true...

How our lives crossed
but the pain is matched we're not...

I guess,
You need to release me...
though I need you like I do..."


The great pains to have in mind that what you love...
isn't what that is gona happy with you....
Thus no matter how much...
things are hard to be right...
Though it isn't either at fault...
the thorn strikes at both...

Spending the few days without my handphone
and out of the house and in medical red lights...
the isolated moments I had to sit down, with nothing else at hand...
those thoughts struck me to the kill...
many reasons i couldn't be connected...
no phone,
didn't bring cash in the rush...
fever struck soon after...
knocked out dead and tired...
I was totally blocked!...
with just me and the arm chair beside the hospital bed
with my sick and sleeping grand...
What a way to spend christmas...
with worries and sadness...
with the pain I don't wanna have...

sigh...what's the life coming to?...
though I wanna see and hug her so much...
but time I don't have...and I'd wanna try to make...
look at us now...how are we and what are we, I yet do not know too...
Before I know it...I'd be in wilderness and more crap.

all a pile of shit...

How's anyone able to understand the position I'm in...
how to explain when words are cheap...
how to do when time is not my hands when anytime i want I beep...

ARGH!!!!!!!!
THIS IS DRIVING ME TO MY GRAVE WAY FAST!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! HOHOHO!!!!!

I guess christmas is getting too heated with stuff to deal with....
I've reached fever point...
argh....boiling and really bad headaches....
sigh....what a way to spend it....

the company for hospital visit of my grands for her check up was supposed to be tmr!
tmr!!
hypertension kicked up a big fuss and breathlessness struck...
all got worried and she was off to hospital... warded again... sigh...

had headache the whole freakin' day....think I'm dying...
had to head off for the outpatient coz of my ridiculous migraines again....totally sucks!!

hope it's not here to stay...

got home way pass midnight...after a whole day running around the place for my components...totally not fun at all!

need to retire...

Confused at what my status is...
attached?
single?
... what am I really?...

maybe it's...."confused"...


A good friend's dad just passed away...while they were on a family trip...
bid farewell in his sleep in the hotel...
How unexpected and unfortunate things can be...
Just like towards the cross over to the new year to find my aunt pass away...
what a shock I had by a call just a few years ago and I guess nearing the time... the feeling hasn't passed.

So much things....so little time... low on resources... tired...

Spending christmas and new year with military disturbances... grand's problems... relative's sadness...

totally not good at all...

How is not wanting to rack up yesterdays
things you can't change
a very thing that can screw people up?
I thought letting go of yesterday and have new todays was a better deal?

I think no matter what I'm going to say...
what I do....
there is always a waiting moment to catch and fish out a fault
to have me whacked down and blame for....
whatever lah....my fault....
my wrong....my bad....
however you want it...

I can take the trouble in doing certain things...
I can spend however much (but now I'm freaking broke)
or feel however much for....
there is always something to pick about me....
oh well....
oh oh well
well well done!
how wonderful life is.... I'm just one person who can't seem to get some things right....
fark it...it's just me...
I guess I've explained myself eough....

going to burst! argh!

To think I planned
but yet went busted
tix gone wasted
but what can I say
when I'm no more
and nothing am I...

Suay is my middle name...
unlucky i guess...

a day out cut short
to the lab I returned
ending it with my project burnt
roasted plastic and sparking lead
it's gone it's gone it's gone...
so much time of work
all gone at a strike...
OH WTF!

Merry christmas!!!

the touch
the breath
the scent
the warmth
the sweet silence
the hugs
the kisses
the sweet whispers...
the feelings...

Oh how I wanna hold on
Oh how I wanna embrace...
But how then
Where do I stand?

in the midst of nowhere...
lonely and aimless...
harden like i stone...
cracking at every knock...

I love...
the closeness...
the warmth...
the split second moment of looking into your eye
But I find myself
sinking into speechlessness
for the seconds the felt long...
not knowing what to say.

I want you,
yet I don't dare...
in fear again
that you saying I don't care...
then I'd be sunken down
into a pool of blood
formed by my bleed heart....

I guess...
this is the point where
I don't know
if a line should be drawn.
Before I cross over the border
and get oh so deep into you
and yet to find that we somehow
are difficult together.

It pains me so much
to want to love
and to be with somebody...
yet it's so difficult...
And to be reminded that
what working things out really meant...
something that I couldn't give...
coz' I own none and incapable...

Help oh god help!...

Didn't sleep all night coz of the rain...
finally braving the hard pouring and thunder to get out of the dry comfort zone, moving out to the east.
Seeing you melted me. Even while the dog was jumping crazily for my attention that couldn't be shared...
my eyes just followed wherever you floated off to...
I missed you.
But the sight of you dumbed my mouth...
only little actions of pecking on your lips and hugs whispered alittle that hardly could hear.

It pains me to see how things ended up this way...
I love you that when I see you today I wanted to cry...
but I held it...
coz I couldn't say it...
to you words were cheap...
it probably meant nothing for me to say it...
coz whatever I did...
was done...
the result has taken over
Nothing can ever change it...
all with my slippings and faults...
only guy
only human....
maybe it was meant to be...
just friends...
or me just a shadow of you...
watching over...
caring for...
like a crew at backstage...

what's my kinda life?...

The days just went on....
without sleep...
6am in the morning....dragged on with thoughts of aching and pains...
with head filled with so much uncertainty...
I love yet I am incapable...
maybe there is something that I don't have
thus leavin gme unfit...
that a quality that I lack...
or maybe is that the life I'm presently in does not permit.
Well I don't know...

seeing the indian ah neh prof wasn't a fun time too...
with getting stuck on project work once again...
aimless findings...
research with no direction...
test with no guidance...
totally madness.
This isn't the kinda life I wanna be in.
mental, physical and financially straining...
Work, effort and simple dollars and cents
should not be take for granted like that...
it all adds up to good use and bring future smiles...

sigh...
step by step...
I find going on with where I am standing...
status as a student
as a man...
as a guy in love...
it's all in the dump...
totally don't know where I'm heading to...
or what's going to become.

My goals my goals...
to have a family I call my own...
to hit the first million asset rich at 35
finally to set an auto churn system of earnings...

So that I may live in comfort with my love ones
in the furture to come...
no worries of the next day...
to have whatever that's needed and wanted...
I travel around happily with the family of my own...
see a son and daughter grow into their new circle
an extension of where I've been started....
like chains of rings..
bringing on unending continuity...

It's gona be tough as the start...
I always tell myself to push on....
to persevere...
determined...
and focus...

Each time falling into a ditch...be it academic or r/s...
I tend to ponder upon my abilities...
to handle these 2 so trying issues of my life...
like I'd any time
soon maybe...
just die in battle...

those may seem the simplest things..
but yet are the most trying to conquer
most challenging to steer off complications...

I found time and again
I fall into the boggling snag...
hurt, pain, aches...
tears, blood, sweat...
migraines, insomnia, lifelessness...
forming the cocktail of shit...

Here I stand in the midst of the wild...
no answers
no solutions
no way...
pushed on strongly
with a fire
ceasing to extinguish
but gears and axle
unreachable...

The ache of the heart
brings torment to the troubled mind...
how simple gestures
churn a huge wave
then into storm.
I care for
I love..
and everthing else
all my actions of concern
and prideless steps
seem meaningless.
all in one sweep
with just one slip.

Oh my scorpion filled mind...
what do I do?
blow off the fire...
To let all rest and heal in time?
push and let the fire burn within my engines...
where possible slippings
angered frustrations in time
may cause further hurt?...
What do I do?

I love thee,
I care for thee,
I yearn to embrace...

But my exhaustion
and breathless state
brings me further into the days
with a heavy yoke
I don't know if I can bear long enough
told hold the burnings
and steam in angered me...
I'm in control...
I've controlled...
and I've always...
for you
to you
with you...
but what has been done unto me,
why mistakes of similar nature
can't I do?
a complicated human
to a well programmed machine?
which am I to be?

Now what am I to do?
well, unfit to say
in many ways...
so now decision lies on you...
deep down I want...
but slips and faults I may...
thus hurt comes...
so to have this carry on?
or drop it off and take the next step in life and be lonely?...
what is it for us?
what now?...

You I love
Where do I stand?
I'm here
I'm here...
right here...
what say you?

it's so painful to find love
to find that love's future crossing in difficulties...
then to split yet love still lives in between...

like tearing apart a beating heart...
blood keeps flowing unending...

aches and sadness
to the numbness of the mind....

Yet I opened my eyes...
Oh God! it wasn't a nightmare...

I'm watered...

Here I lay...
with sadness my name...
loneliness my second...
and Lost my pet...
couldn't bear the thought
that now I'm just me...
no more us in description...
no more we.
I couldn't sleep the whole night,
thinking about the wonderful times...
and nice pictures we took.
funny how I never took so much pictures with any other
but just with her...
in fact I was never the picture fanatic...
and thus my history becomes a myth...
lost in the hard drive I once had...
but that besides the point...

Beyond the sadness and pain I've been feeling...
yet I smile to myself and say....
at least the better thing that came out of this is...
she no longer suffers...
the pain and anger...
being with me...
things she can't stand and can't accept...
the flaws I hold and somehow doesn't seem to let go.
given awhile...she will be depressed no more...
brightened and cheerful...
unlike the darken days with me...
covered by Kenneth the grey...
who lived not to her expectations...
killing her emotionally too...
Now she is free...
where I am placed in the middle of nowhere...
there...I lay....
Sad...
Lonely....
Lost...
with the hit of 24hrs no sleep and yet widely awake...
I guess... insomnia could be back...
once again to haunt me...
but so what...
let it be then...
let it be...
nothing worth being so conscious about anyway...
like hollow life it is...

The love that I built for
The care and concern I only have for....
was you and now it's gone...
one by one...
just like baby steps...
it fiddled away...
creeping away from me...
all alone I am...
better off away from this earth...
which I now don't see meaning for...
Coz the one I saw meaning in...
even to end any bonds or ties I had of future prospects...
is gone...
walked away from me...
so what's the point now?...
fighting myself not to get affected?...
it's the impossible that I've always feared coming....
all the time I've always wanted to give you surprises..
but either found out...spoiled or found unwanted...
every little bit no matter how hard...
I'd worked for...
and yet have been the first I've ever gone out to work for...
to get things for...
specialty?...
well, I don't do or go to such distance for anyone...
but you...
all you say, you're high maintenance and thus, it's gona be hard for me to up keep...
when all I'm saying is I keep trying...
I believe patience is a virtue...
it's something I held on all the time...
keeping calm and unangered towards you...
where towards you, my temper I tamed...
towards no other...they have seen such in me...
but to you...
everything is different.
How you see me...
is very different from how the others see or they get to see...
because it's been different for them...towards them
compared to you.
Coz you've been special.
I love you.
All this while...
I may not be a type who smokes...likes drinking and stuff...but...
even when it happens on you...
do I take it as you don't love me that much to control yourself?
I don't...
Coz I accept...
I may not like...but I grow to accept who you are...
and in love, or my love for you has been to accept the person you are and they way you are.
That's where you also see however things went...
whatever you did...
I'd still be at the corner...waiting...
in pain or iin tears
but ending with a smile towards you....hoping to hug and kiss you once more
and for you to accept me...
Very much earlier...
put across 3 phases of 400V having a potential across me...
that split... my fight was to be back...
like I made a deal with God...
that if I could just tell you I love you just one more time...
even if I have to go somehow...
with a heart attack....
it'll be all worth it...
Well I guess... now... since all is done...
whatever happens... matter does it not...
the chapter in my life...
coming to a close...
reopen to anew it may not...
just where I am....
sitted...alone...
helpless...
cold...
loveless...
where I fight alone with the dimension of time...
a race I consistantly have been through all the time since I came to work my life...
but whether the fight goes on...
it doesn't matter...
what matters is I've lost...
I've lost you...
the one special...the one I love...
I may not be the perfect person to be with...
but all I can say, I've never lost myself against you...
my mind,
my will,
my temper...
my love...
there was no other coming to level with you in me...
coz there was only you...
and my life surrounded you...
like where I am...is a subset of what school and you are...
there within is my life...just me...
no life...if you drop off...coz school...is just dead.

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

it's turning me nuts!!!
madness!
how how how!!!!!?????
tell me?
huh?....

What is it that is a possible solution?
mind reading?....be a mutant... X-men...

Knocked down at all the suggestions....
no plans? I came up with it...
like some high end biz proposal....
and for all that, it determins what love really is?
or defines how strong my love is?
C'mon!!!
What's happening?

What???


Freaking turning mad!!! mad!!!! mad!!!!

what is next?
I'm not sure now...

I don't use such things against you...
use other things to determine the kinda love you have for me....
sigh...

So why??

Intentions delivered and received in a wrong perspective is painful...
Truely I miss you so and it isn't that I'm willing to get out of the house for you.
In fact, it would be the only reason that I would get out of the house.

Neither would I want to intentionally kill one's sleep.
I'd be happier if sleep was good and that I didn't unconsciously distrupt...
less moody and grouchy...
more smiley and bubbly...

If I could turn back the hands of time...
I'd wanna tie myself to a part of the bed that no further I'd go to restrict ample space...
I'd wanna hava nice quiet dinner with the special you...
just you and me...
without troubling thoughts of exams and stuff for once...
away from squabbling and arguements...

And just have a walk in town together hand in hand where the crowd mean nothing coz all we see would be just each other...
then time stops while you window shop while I get to see more of what are your likes and wants...
and one day once again I'd find some way to try getting it somehow...

sigh...
or besides all these... it doesn't have to mean doing anything...
just being by your side is more than enough for me...
walking your dog or hopefully painting your room with the arty idea you may have in mind... making it come true... materialising it all as one art piece.

oh well the day is ending...what's the worth of saying such things now?...
but only to my blog... my little diary of events and feelings...

as night begins to fall upon the land... with my body totally cooled down...
the pain and aches of th long run I had starts to set in...
having problems standing up from a sitting position as the knee feels like it's about to detach from my thighs...
and my neck so stiff to unfeeling that my head could fall off anytime without me even knowing...
finally the sole of my feet... suffering from the wears from rough usage...

but all in good time,
it will go away
or distracted
I should say...
coz when the migraine comes...
nothing else aches matters...

probably head down to the physician tomorrow for some chinese traditional cure...
hope it cures
pray it doesn't taste or smell funky...

I hope I won't head back my exhausion...
coz having not recovered fully from the last one...
I'm feeling the next wave....
argh...what a bother!....

Running the Standard chartered Marathon...

Couldn't sleep the night before until way passed midnight...
rolled around in bed...
before I know it....4hrs went flying pass
and it was time for my waking...
Headed off home at 4.45am to the start line...
And that's where it all began...
The marathon....a challenge of self
a mental focus and persistance...
A moment where you learn what dealing with the difficulties you face really means....

The Race hit off with people from all walks of life coming together for this annual run...
A run where you go beyond your limits and yet do a good deed...
Runniing for charity... Breast Cancer foundation...

At the start...it was all good and with ease,
considering the fact that I haven't done a run for about a month since exam fever clouded NTU...
But wait...like I said, it's only the start...
people were on the rush to be in front. Hated running with such crowd.
Anyway, yah.. they were rushing from side to side like mad cows having a predator at their back...
you watch animal planet, you'll know what I mean...hahaa...

The sky was still dark in the wee hours of the morning and the stretch of esplanade to Raffles Place was like a ghost town
disturbed by the mad cows stampede.
The crowd made it feel like it was about 8pm in the evening where people were on their way to partying or some function...
or maybe a family outing...
Well anyway, heading towards 10km, awaiting my injured buddy behind...having a bleeding toe, I jogged on the spot to keep my body warmed up...MISTAKE!!!
that's where hell came along trying to take over my head...
The crams hit...
And that was it...
After every few drinking points or banana freebie stall... I had to stop for a stretch and also had to keep my steps small in order not to overstrain my muscles further...
Partially limping my way with my clicking knee...I was determined not to fall out and to complete this whole thing...this run.
Well your mind and body gotta work harder when things get harder right?... mental power was it!
towards the midpoint, those I saw sprinting madly at the start, were showing signs of exhaustion... crazy right?...
yah...and they had the face of "Why the F**k did I have to put myself through this pain? what's worst, having to pay for it too!"
hahahaa....so I just smiled and galloped my way pass them, the way Min would get me to do from the sink wash area to her room. Talking about Min, during the run, I was missing her... Baby I love you...

the rest of the run was....erhmm..... I really don't know 'coz I reached the point of not thinking anymore... just let my legs go with the flow...pain or not...just let it be. The most important thing is to finish it...
The idea was to just look front and focus, then you have a higher chance of surviving those crams and joint pains...
coz at the side, you have people falling out for bad crams where the toes were all curled up or going into fits too! that was scary...!!
but well like I said...face front and don't think about it, just run...just do it.

Completion was ecstasy... running your own race. A self challenge, testing your determination...
My dad always told me, "Kenneth... the structure of a human is not like those of a horse...don't think you are a horse and think you can run so crazily like them...." But then...you see... completing the run... I get to say that putting your mind to it, the impossible is nothing... the destination is there...always there, if you are determined to finish it, you will... anyone can, just how long you take to get there. The most important is getting there...the point where you wanna be... obstacles will slow you down, but overcoming one by one...the fighting spirit brings you to greater heights with you being a better life fighter...

Sometimes it takes such kinda feats for one to learn something...
well for me...it's that way I guess...
=)

Wow!! what a run!

A run did help for awhile...to deal with headaches....
might have caused some good circulation....haha but I'm no doctor to prove that theory....

Now next problem....
sleeping habits....or should I say...dealing with habits....changing habits...
need to do that....find some solutions....
thinking...finding in process....

Shoot!
Migraine whacked me til I vomitted...
feeling darn weak...
must have been the lack of proper sleep...
just like my days of insomnia but this is like the end result of all that crap

Went for my jab... and headed for muddy to see if I could surprise her or smthing...
by that time it was kinda like 11.30pm or so...
and I couldn't even find her...
guess she left already with her group of friends...
but muddy's wasn't too happening to stay there long either...
so I reckon they would just hop off to another place being a friday...
unlike me struggling in the puddle of headaches...
so I left town...
caught a cab to hava peek at my grandma...and left back for hall...
taxi ride was horrible with the rumbling and lousy driving skills...
something is wrong with me today....exams are off...and why am i feeling like that?....like a problem that hits every time exams are over...
Well anyway I'm glad I'm back...safe from the journey of rumble and stumble...
without care I'd have gotten my life ended this very night in a accident....argh!
oh well... gona see if I have some potential to earn some cash...pitting against some professionals out there....
But I hope time isn't the constrain for the projects....otherwise I'd lose out already....half battle lost...

wish me luck.... !

I let go of what my pain was....
the decision was set....
and I shelf back my books
awaiting the next semester, fighting the battle once more...

I head is crazily tight...
and migraine acted up last night...
but I persisted to carry on pushing to study what I could...
the pain was so terrible I was left stunned and motionless after every ordeal...

I took a sip of beer this afternoon...
and unknowingly got myself into terrible head pounding situation...
and slept and woke up...
slept and woke up again...
until the alarm sounded...
my head was so heavy that I felt I was at all times going to fall off something...
even now...the pain persists...
somehow not stopping and I don't know why...

Wanted to go,
yet by going I might spoil everything...
I wanted to drink the night away...
yet by doing so I'd probably kill myself and my consciousness...
Wanna spend the evening and night with you,
but migraine didn't permit...
All because of me...
All my fault ...

Argh!!!
I should just jump...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't take it anymore!!!!!! I'm going crazy!!!!!! this is madness!!!! killing me!!!!!

Nothing seems to be going into my head!!!...
too short a time in between the subjects!...it's too little time to revise so much!

HELP!!!!
SOMEBODY!!!!
I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm TURNING MAD VERY VERY SOON!!!!!