Sometimes we find comfort in being there for others....
For the special ones...
this I write...is to those who are in pain....
in pain that I can empathize...and thus wanna help get over with....
as I've gone past that stage of being in a ditch...
~Don't cry dear
your heart is in good hands.
As you leave your troubles,
to travel to a distant land.
Don't worry dear,
'coz your tears will soon disappear.
Kill the pain you will,
and stand tall without fear.
So keep standing dear,
'coz I won't let you fall,
believe it I'd be there in person or at all ears
with just one call.
I won't let you down,
with my care and all the faith,
you'd probably forget how to frown.
So smile, smile your sweetest smile dear,
release your beauty from within.
Destroying troubled past,
and let the future begin.
Be sad no more dear one,
'coz with this you see...
you know you can always...
simple count on me. ~
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
For the one who was there when i had fallen...
~I shed a tear that day
feeling it slowly flowed down and away
silently it fell down my cheeks...
by the strike of chance
you were there
you caught it
you shared it
and wiped it away...
Then suddenly
the yoke wasn't so bad afterall
Thus the greatest gift
through these times
was someone,
a wonderful you
a warming friend
with an ear to lend
a hand to hold...
oh you, the greatest gift,
a heart of gold.~
feeling it slowly flowed down and away
silently it fell down my cheeks...
by the strike of chance
you were there
you caught it
you shared it
and wiped it away...
Then suddenly
the yoke wasn't so bad afterall
Thus the greatest gift
through these times
was someone,
a wonderful you
a warming friend
with an ear to lend
a hand to hold...
oh you, the greatest gift,
a heart of gold.~
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
what threw out may come back
oh man...I can't believe myself!
much earlier I got a pair of tix for the coldplay live concert to surprise Min...
At our break, in devastation and mental craze I threw them into the sea...
All gone right?...
well... not so...
Just had a call from a friend's friend 2yrs older than I, whom I met once before...
said she needed help...
needed me to be her date at her corporate party kinda thing... and in return... she got tix to coldplay concert she'd like to give me...so I'd go with out common group of friends instead of her...
Alamak!! wassup wassup wassup!
this is crazy...but sounds like good to me.
do the party thing get done with it and coldplay tix is mine again...boomerang back to me!
hahaa...but just one tix only lah....hahaa =)
Whoah!!!!
much earlier I got a pair of tix for the coldplay live concert to surprise Min...
At our break, in devastation and mental craze I threw them into the sea...
All gone right?...
well... not so...
Just had a call from a friend's friend 2yrs older than I, whom I met once before...
said she needed help...
needed me to be her date at her corporate party kinda thing... and in return... she got tix to coldplay concert she'd like to give me...so I'd go with out common group of friends instead of her...
Alamak!! wassup wassup wassup!
this is crazy...but sounds like good to me.
do the party thing get done with it and coldplay tix is mine again...boomerang back to me!
hahaa...but just one tix only lah....hahaa =)
Whoah!!!!
9:26 !!!
Today... I went to the National stadium...
Remembering the last time I walked along those roads....
it was kallang theatre that I came from...
had company... and was feeling great then...
while now it's just a lonely road... the one I have ever known...
Anyway, went there to run today... that's the main motive...
Felt I could beat my own timing and making improvements in my stamina...
did a 2.4km run the last time and recorded 9:45...
And now this time...I managed a new 9:26!!!
cool huh... after which I went to join in my friends free sparring session....even better....
it's like letting off steam from a day of work.
Phew..!! felt good.
Doing all these... whatever that stuck in the mind was just forgotten and the only focus was on what I wanted to do then....at that very moment...either to run or just on the opponent...
Adrenalin rush!
Felt like everything else didn't matter...
Felt like the only pain I felt was physical...
Everything made bearable...
it was good...
it felt good....
much better...
Remembering the last time I walked along those roads....
it was kallang theatre that I came from...
had company... and was feeling great then...
while now it's just a lonely road... the one I have ever known...
Anyway, went there to run today... that's the main motive...
Felt I could beat my own timing and making improvements in my stamina...
did a 2.4km run the last time and recorded 9:45...
And now this time...I managed a new 9:26!!!
cool huh... after which I went to join in my friends free sparring session....even better....
it's like letting off steam from a day of work.
Phew..!! felt good.
Doing all these... whatever that stuck in the mind was just forgotten and the only focus was on what I wanted to do then....at that very moment...either to run or just on the opponent...
Adrenalin rush!
Felt like everything else didn't matter...
Felt like the only pain I felt was physical...
Everything made bearable...
it was good...
it felt good....
much better...
Monday, June 26, 2006
Just another few blocks of words... for the needy
~We both saw the world in black and white...
no colour, no light...
All the pain and hurt inside
getting over, together we might...
You find twisted logic in your life,
for you, solutions I'd find...
I know the hardest, oh yes the hardest part
was letting go, not taking part
I went through all these...
my heart, pain to feast.
Now I see you so broken down...
I'll be there to lift your frowns...
Let's not look back
Let's get back on track...
I'll hold your hand and pull you on
No matter how hard it is to get going on...
Life is too short to give up all
'coz of a fallen tree
In difficulty, in pain and in need,
Remember, look behind and there is me.~
no colour, no light...
All the pain and hurt inside
getting over, together we might...
You find twisted logic in your life,
for you, solutions I'd find...
I know the hardest, oh yes the hardest part
was letting go, not taking part
I went through all these...
my heart, pain to feast.
Now I see you so broken down...
I'll be there to lift your frowns...
Let's not look back
Let's get back on track...
I'll hold your hand and pull you on
No matter how hard it is to get going on...
Life is too short to give up all
'coz of a fallen tree
In difficulty, in pain and in need,
Remember, look behind and there is me.~
blood boiling office day!
Damn...today some people were constantly trying to boiling my blood!
argh.... idiots!
This other person on attachment was getting on my nerves! damn shit!
Having know nuts about programming and file type conversion, bloody acting as if he knew what was going on...thus screwing up my computer programme and still dare ask me to relax 'coz he got the solution to his screw up.
Ass!....Can't believe it!
Don't know say don't know....don't touch and screw up my work! ARgh!!!!!
When I was done witht he conversion...pretending that someone else wants to know how I did it wouldn't help you find the answers boy!
And so I said..."If the technician seeks to find out how I did it... ask him to come find me personally and I put him on a crash course! enough said..."
argh.... idiots!
This other person on attachment was getting on my nerves! damn shit!
Having know nuts about programming and file type conversion, bloody acting as if he knew what was going on...thus screwing up my computer programme and still dare ask me to relax 'coz he got the solution to his screw up.
Ass!....Can't believe it!
Don't know say don't know....don't touch and screw up my work! ARgh!!!!!
When I was done witht he conversion...pretending that someone else wants to know how I did it wouldn't help you find the answers boy!
And so I said..."If the technician seeks to find out how I did it... ask him to come find me personally and I put him on a crash course! enough said..."
Optimizing...If I must....going through some thoughts...
Taking some time off the night to think...
Think about the weekend that has just passed...
I guess no matter what had happened.
Pain?... hurt?... regret?...Failure?...
Whatever...
This weekend angled me to look differently.
All these bad stuff that brought me falling....
being in troubled waters and totally gotten me whacked,
however didn't exactly pushed me down straight to the ditch.
A new positive perspective...
In every calamity that I may face, with time and some serious thought...
I'd get only stronger... more hardy...
That should be the ME all along right?...
I've been an optimist back in the sporting days...
Can't I just apply it all in my life just like that?....as in the same mindset?
I know I can...
Dare to walk in..then I must dare to walk out easily... in confidence...
There are many things in life to deal with...why just get stuck on one issue and put everything else on a standstill? Gotta keep movin'...
relationships...sigh... she meant alot to me... I wanted to give her the best I could in time to come, but if in reality I don't mean shit to her, why force it in the first place?...
Just flow it through.... if it comes to and I am accepting, good... if it goes and never comes back so be it... let it be.
My love for her maybe there... but I'm getting numb... I don't know when the time limit is though...but,..hmmm...
in time if nothing saves it... it's just hit the spot of me just not wanting to cross the line anymore... too painful?...well maybe. See her feeling that it's so suffering being with me?.... well maybe... Whatever!
Just when that time comes... The feeling will just slice off...
If things are to come back in again...it'll really take some work to get it going... if that's even possible.
Anyway.... how long can love be when it's a one way street?... Don't know.. we'll find out.
I guess I've tried... let's just be...I'm too tired now.
Though I miss those times very much, but what to do....
Life isn't smooth. So just screw the expectations and just get myself moving.
ever cross each other again...hmm we'll see then.
AS for now...
I'm just gona sway myself through Capoeira and the very thing she wonderously inspired me to do...Salsa! Funny how things change huh... me and dance?...argh.. odd stuff but whata heck...willing try. It's all about the "scare myself once in a while" thingy right?....hahaha
But in a softer form...less dangerous...less aggressive...all in a different point of view.
Cheers!
Think about the weekend that has just passed...
I guess no matter what had happened.
Pain?... hurt?... regret?...Failure?...
Whatever...
This weekend angled me to look differently.
All these bad stuff that brought me falling....
being in troubled waters and totally gotten me whacked,
however didn't exactly pushed me down straight to the ditch.
A new positive perspective...
In every calamity that I may face, with time and some serious thought...
I'd get only stronger... more hardy...
That should be the ME all along right?...
I've been an optimist back in the sporting days...
Can't I just apply it all in my life just like that?....as in the same mindset?
I know I can...
Dare to walk in..then I must dare to walk out easily... in confidence...
There are many things in life to deal with...why just get stuck on one issue and put everything else on a standstill? Gotta keep movin'...
relationships...sigh... she meant alot to me... I wanted to give her the best I could in time to come, but if in reality I don't mean shit to her, why force it in the first place?...
Just flow it through.... if it comes to and I am accepting, good... if it goes and never comes back so be it... let it be.
My love for her maybe there... but I'm getting numb... I don't know when the time limit is though...but,..hmmm...
in time if nothing saves it... it's just hit the spot of me just not wanting to cross the line anymore... too painful?...well maybe. See her feeling that it's so suffering being with me?.... well maybe... Whatever!
Just when that time comes... The feeling will just slice off...
If things are to come back in again...it'll really take some work to get it going... if that's even possible.
Anyway.... how long can love be when it's a one way street?... Don't know.. we'll find out.
I guess I've tried... let's just be...I'm too tired now.
Though I miss those times very much, but what to do....
Life isn't smooth. So just screw the expectations and just get myself moving.
ever cross each other again...hmm we'll see then.
AS for now...
I'm just gona sway myself through Capoeira and the very thing she wonderously inspired me to do...Salsa! Funny how things change huh... me and dance?...argh.. odd stuff but whata heck...willing try. It's all about the "scare myself once in a while" thingy right?....hahaha
But in a softer form...less dangerous...less aggressive...all in a different point of view.
Cheers!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
I wasn't alone...
Today...I went to church,
after three weeks of not going or probably going with my mind not in the mass at all....
I was shocked to listen to what was spoken by the priest...
I went to there early today initially thinking of making my confession after ages...
however, I didn't 'coz I didn't really know what much to say.
But the only thing I knew was that I doubt my religion.... I had doubts in God.
For the past few weeks or month I've been in troubled waters and felt that there was no where to turn to. Whatever the case was...i felt alone. I was just roaming around...aimlessly.
Trying to find answers for myself that I felt God or anyone up there couldn't or doesn't seem to me helping me or giving me confidence and support... my whole consciousness was in distress...
As I sat by the bench in the church...I felt I needed to confess this whole doubting thing, and just then, the priest walked up to the alter to begin the mass....
The first words he said was..."Many times in our lives we are often hit by storms. And during these times, do we keep our faith on what we were told to believe through scriptures?... Or do we doubt God and question if he is even there with us to go through the pain we are experiencing...or the storms we are being hit by?... He has been there with you trying to give peace to you at all times..."
I was shocked...as this topic was running in my head throughout my sitting there and days before I even stepped into church....
Just that very moment...tears filled my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks...
It somehow felt that someone was listening to my calling...
I wasn't really alone as I thought I was...
Well I really don't know...but I hope so...
Anyway... I do hope Min is not holding against me for my regretting shot of words.
I guess I was being hard and sharp when that came out...
On second thoughts I could feel the pain saying it, but I've said it.
Argh... I've got my faults...she has hers...who was I to compare or judge...
Like I said, I'd just want the hands of time to turn and I'll just keep quiet and not say anything... though it won't improve anything but at least it wouldn't have worsen.
Today...on msn, Min dropped me a message but ended saying that she'd better go if not she would be called ridiculous and asked to shut up... somewhat like the whole issue of yesterday's.
There was a part of me happy to know that she messaged me coz I'd wish to embrace her in everyway...but of coz, I don't think that'll happen. Guess I would only if she is forward about it....anyway...
The other part of me felt the stab...stab not from her...but from myself.
sigh...
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my regret
In anger, in fear
Even when there was tear
I said the sharpest words
like a boomarang it hit
and turned back at me it too did...
I don't know...I guess
I've gotten myself in such a mess
Min must be hating me..
I can feel though I can't see.
Who else can I blame but myself....
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my own regret.
I just pray that in time we just learn to compromise with each other... or maybe at least learn not to collide.
It's a shame what we've become
When we hurt the ones we love...
It's a place I don't wanna go anymore...
If she'd forgive me, I'll be contented.
I just want to say... I didn't mean to hurt... I'm sorry.
after three weeks of not going or probably going with my mind not in the mass at all....
I was shocked to listen to what was spoken by the priest...
I went to there early today initially thinking of making my confession after ages...
however, I didn't 'coz I didn't really know what much to say.
But the only thing I knew was that I doubt my religion.... I had doubts in God.
For the past few weeks or month I've been in troubled waters and felt that there was no where to turn to. Whatever the case was...i felt alone. I was just roaming around...aimlessly.
Trying to find answers for myself that I felt God or anyone up there couldn't or doesn't seem to me helping me or giving me confidence and support... my whole consciousness was in distress...
As I sat by the bench in the church...I felt I needed to confess this whole doubting thing, and just then, the priest walked up to the alter to begin the mass....
The first words he said was..."Many times in our lives we are often hit by storms. And during these times, do we keep our faith on what we were told to believe through scriptures?... Or do we doubt God and question if he is even there with us to go through the pain we are experiencing...or the storms we are being hit by?... He has been there with you trying to give peace to you at all times..."
I was shocked...as this topic was running in my head throughout my sitting there and days before I even stepped into church....
Just that very moment...tears filled my eyes and then rolled down my cheeks...
It somehow felt that someone was listening to my calling...
I wasn't really alone as I thought I was...
Well I really don't know...but I hope so...
Anyway... I do hope Min is not holding against me for my regretting shot of words.
I guess I was being hard and sharp when that came out...
On second thoughts I could feel the pain saying it, but I've said it.
Argh... I've got my faults...she has hers...who was I to compare or judge...
Like I said, I'd just want the hands of time to turn and I'll just keep quiet and not say anything... though it won't improve anything but at least it wouldn't have worsen.
Today...on msn, Min dropped me a message but ended saying that she'd better go if not she would be called ridiculous and asked to shut up... somewhat like the whole issue of yesterday's.
There was a part of me happy to know that she messaged me coz I'd wish to embrace her in everyway...but of coz, I don't think that'll happen. Guess I would only if she is forward about it....anyway...
The other part of me felt the stab...stab not from her...but from myself.
sigh...
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my regret
In anger, in fear
Even when there was tear
I said the sharpest words
like a boomarang it hit
and turned back at me it too did...
I don't know...I guess
I've gotten myself in such a mess
Min must be hating me..
I can feel though I can't see.
Who else can I blame but myself....
Words said, hearts bled
All I'm left is my own regret.
I just pray that in time we just learn to compromise with each other... or maybe at least learn not to collide.
It's a shame what we've become
When we hurt the ones we love...
It's a place I don't wanna go anymore...
If she'd forgive me, I'll be contented.
I just want to say... I didn't mean to hurt... I'm sorry.
Some ordinary Sunday with a new activity...
First day of salsa beginner lesson...
well to begin with it wasn't in my line of activities at all,
but I guess I must say I kinda enjoyed it.
Instructor is important...and today's instructor was good.
got myself enrolled for the whole beginner's course instead of the
initial idea of just a one day tryout...hahaa...
looks like I've got a new social activity up coming!
That's the only highlight of the day I guess...
Other than that it's just nothing much... empty.
Took a walk in town after class and got myself some cool looking cuff links
with celtic designs...
Something that I can wear with any of the cuff link shirts.
Though the price wasn't cool at all I still got it... coz I liked it... enough said.
hahahaa....
So my process of changing my wardrobe has begun....bit by bit....can't do it all the way...
too much cost included... needs some time to do all that..hehe..
well to begin with it wasn't in my line of activities at all,
but I guess I must say I kinda enjoyed it.
Instructor is important...and today's instructor was good.
got myself enrolled for the whole beginner's course instead of the
initial idea of just a one day tryout...hahaa...
looks like I've got a new social activity up coming!
That's the only highlight of the day I guess...
Other than that it's just nothing much... empty.
Took a walk in town after class and got myself some cool looking cuff links
with celtic designs...
Something that I can wear with any of the cuff link shirts.
Though the price wasn't cool at all I still got it... coz I liked it... enough said.
hahahaa....
So my process of changing my wardrobe has begun....bit by bit....can't do it all the way...
too much cost included... needs some time to do all that..hehe..
Arthur's wedding! congrats!
Just came back from a good friend's wedding....Arthur Foo...
Some big decision he has made...and I guess it's been a great choice!
his wife's great! They are just a wonderful pair I must say.
The whole wedding dinner thingy was great esp the video presentation... unique I must say
judging from my experience in event coord point of view.
Wow! I guess time is racing face for some of us...and for others...we just take out time and slowly move on with life.
The next great thing about this wedding was meeting up once again with my buddies from OCS...
the very guys who went through hardship with me...in all those trainings...the memories brought back.
Everyone leading different lives...and with some in the process of a marriage plan....Yes Jacky and Sharone!...the 2 long time love birds..
Some stuck in the army going all military once again and not forgetting those who are just starting in their new career...
Wow... how time flies...
We were once young and firing guns together and sometimes at each other in practice... running around in our camo attire hoping to merge with the forested surroundings....and the next moment...we find ourselves either in part time studies fighting in the books or in our own commercial war...fighting for a place in this world...
To truely and practically hit on surviving this rat race world.
But no matter what the case is... there was one thing common in all of us...
Brotherhood bonding...
Not the gayish shit...but rather a bond where it stays strong no matter what the case is.
no matter where we are...
We keep ourselves updated with each other.
There is always warmth coming back in gatherings.
The whole group of us.
Well...after just this night... my new life begins in a new thought...new perspective...
Yet in another, a whole new family planning hits off after a wedding...
while some to carry on with their lives in norm.
Whatever it is...Cheers! Cheers to wherever time brings us and brings unto us...
Good or bad...bring it on...!
Some big decision he has made...and I guess it's been a great choice!
his wife's great! They are just a wonderful pair I must say.
The whole wedding dinner thingy was great esp the video presentation... unique I must say
judging from my experience in event coord point of view.
Wow! I guess time is racing face for some of us...and for others...we just take out time and slowly move on with life.
The next great thing about this wedding was meeting up once again with my buddies from OCS...
the very guys who went through hardship with me...in all those trainings...the memories brought back.
Everyone leading different lives...and with some in the process of a marriage plan....Yes Jacky and Sharone!...the 2 long time love birds..
Some stuck in the army going all military once again and not forgetting those who are just starting in their new career...
Wow... how time flies...
We were once young and firing guns together and sometimes at each other in practice... running around in our camo attire hoping to merge with the forested surroundings....and the next moment...we find ourselves either in part time studies fighting in the books or in our own commercial war...fighting for a place in this world...
To truely and practically hit on surviving this rat race world.
But no matter what the case is... there was one thing common in all of us...
Brotherhood bonding...
Not the gayish shit...but rather a bond where it stays strong no matter what the case is.
no matter where we are...
We keep ourselves updated with each other.
There is always warmth coming back in gatherings.
The whole group of us.
Well...after just this night... my new life begins in a new thought...new perspective...
Yet in another, a whole new family planning hits off after a wedding...
while some to carry on with their lives in norm.
Whatever it is...Cheers! Cheers to wherever time brings us and brings unto us...
Good or bad...bring it on...!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Rage takes over... anger sips in...pain thereafter...
A morning, started with some bang
a good wish message I sent
But all I saw was her fang
I was harmless...
Just me to wish her well for the day.
But it got smashed
just like stinking trash.
She doesn't feel it
she doesn't heck it...
But I feel it deep...
The effect was steep.
Was it that I did wrong?
arguements...her rage
somehow managed to switch on on today...
anger, sadness and being pissed was all I could say.
I'm sorry but it all forced raging stuff from me
putting all out that people could see
I've regretted nothing...
no regrets being with her
or having loved her...
or having cared for her...
or having done everything or anything with her.
But I regretted saying what I said today.
My mind was clear...
but my raging point was near...
my greatest fear came true.
like no mind clearing process could ease me of it all...
the pain, the anger....it all kept inside...
I could hold it not.
I regret saying all those things to her...
asking her to shut up...
and blabbering about her self righteous shit...
Just wanna turn back the hands of time...
but I know I can't...
so what's the point of thinking.
I'm exhausted....I'm tired...
Just be...
She perceives things in her strange way...
I see it simplistic...
whatever...
says I'm sending her on guilt trip which I'm not
never intended to coz
there is no need with her like frost...
made me feel so cold that
I've even questions if she'd feel anything between us in the first place
so I'm not thinking...
never was anymore...
But if she thinks she has...
keeping the feeling deep in her...
then good.
in time then we'll see...or maybe not...
Time...the healer...
but my creator of shit...
I went crazy for her...
and yet crazy with her....
Just another painful day...
I may not be the only one feeling this today...
but if there isn't expression
of any fancy fashion...
how would I know... well I need not know
not now...
All I know..my baby I've been fond...
is now walked away and gone...
Oh whatever.....
a good wish message I sent
But all I saw was her fang
I was harmless...
Just me to wish her well for the day.
But it got smashed
just like stinking trash.
She doesn't feel it
she doesn't heck it...
But I feel it deep...
The effect was steep.
Was it that I did wrong?
arguements...her rage
somehow managed to switch on on today...
anger, sadness and being pissed was all I could say.
I'm sorry but it all forced raging stuff from me
putting all out that people could see
I've regretted nothing...
no regrets being with her
or having loved her...
or having cared for her...
or having done everything or anything with her.
But I regretted saying what I said today.
My mind was clear...
but my raging point was near...
my greatest fear came true.
like no mind clearing process could ease me of it all...
the pain, the anger....it all kept inside...
I could hold it not.
I regret saying all those things to her...
asking her to shut up...
and blabbering about her self righteous shit...
Just wanna turn back the hands of time...
but I know I can't...
so what's the point of thinking.
I'm exhausted....I'm tired...
Just be...
She perceives things in her strange way...
I see it simplistic...
whatever...
says I'm sending her on guilt trip which I'm not
never intended to coz
there is no need with her like frost...
made me feel so cold that
I've even questions if she'd feel anything between us in the first place
so I'm not thinking...
never was anymore...
But if she thinks she has...
keeping the feeling deep in her...
then good.
in time then we'll see...or maybe not...
Time...the healer...
but my creator of shit...
I went crazy for her...
and yet crazy with her....
Just another painful day...
I may not be the only one feeling this today...
but if there isn't expression
of any fancy fashion...
how would I know... well I need not know
not now...
All I know..my baby I've been fond...
is now walked away and gone...
Oh whatever.....
Friday, June 23, 2006
What's with today? damn it...
It's been a realy rough day...
I believe this is happening.... all the shit. Got shifted off the travel and had to pass on all my materials and explain stuff to the person taking over. Getting home freaking late and all tried out.
Damn... for what?.... To get me to forget to tell her the change of plans that got me into this ditch today?
This is crazy...
And coz of that she's just thinking that all about the trip was a bluff. Can't believe it...
Didn't really wanna listen to my explanation after getting all pissed off through her SMSes...
And then said she don't care anymore.
What's the problem here now?... I didn't blow her trust or anything. Damn I missed her!...
If I could get near her I would.
Came all the way to the airport just hoping to get to see her an apologise to her...but I guess time and every FREAKING THING ain't on my side!.... I can't reach there in time at 11pm....carried on waiting anyway to see if she was alittle slow in coming out. But Alas!!...30mins passed 11pm. she's prob gone...and with me now...
feel lousy and with the crap day all over me...I'm sitting by the Macdonald's computer this very moment and writing this blog...
grab a cab later and get my ass parked home soon....
Argh....feeling totally ridiculous!
So much for coming over....with some roses for apology to her...what's the use?....damn it!
Sigh....a load of bull crap day!
I believe this is happening.... all the shit. Got shifted off the travel and had to pass on all my materials and explain stuff to the person taking over. Getting home freaking late and all tried out.
Damn... for what?.... To get me to forget to tell her the change of plans that got me into this ditch today?
This is crazy...
And coz of that she's just thinking that all about the trip was a bluff. Can't believe it...
Didn't really wanna listen to my explanation after getting all pissed off through her SMSes...
And then said she don't care anymore.
What's the problem here now?... I didn't blow her trust or anything. Damn I missed her!...
If I could get near her I would.
Came all the way to the airport just hoping to get to see her an apologise to her...but I guess time and every FREAKING THING ain't on my side!.... I can't reach there in time at 11pm....carried on waiting anyway to see if she was alittle slow in coming out. But Alas!!...30mins passed 11pm. she's prob gone...and with me now...
feel lousy and with the crap day all over me...I'm sitting by the Macdonald's computer this very moment and writing this blog...
grab a cab later and get my ass parked home soon....
Argh....feeling totally ridiculous!
So much for coming over....with some roses for apology to her...what's the use?....damn it!
Sigh....a load of bull crap day!
non-disappearance
~A brief but peaceful period
When life promised,
Held out hope,
Warmed
We thought the corner turned,
Our dreams awakened,
Coming true...
Fulfilled.
But love's fire burned bright
For just a moment
Then quietly died...
Unfuelled.
Perhaps there was little to find
between the both of us, then
Shallow?...
Even so, I still miss you,
An ember remains
reminding me
of joy...~
When life promised,
Held out hope,
Warmed
We thought the corner turned,
Our dreams awakened,
Coming true...
Fulfilled.
But love's fire burned bright
For just a moment
Then quietly died...
Unfuelled.
Perhaps there was little to find
between the both of us, then
Shallow?...
Even so, I still miss you,
An ember remains
reminding me
of joy...~
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Limbo
A sudden awakening in the wee hours of the morning...
for what reason was it?
I don't know...
But I hope everything and everyone's gona be fine...
Coz my eyelids gave twitches...
twitching with indications that something's gona happen...
But I'm too tired to find out and call the whole list...
Sigh... my mind's in limbo...
Wondering what should I do...
are things with me gona just stay this way
or will there be some improvements some day?..
I've been already broken...
Fallen...
I guess the only way would be up...
Just wait and see...
for what reason was it?
I don't know...
But I hope everything and everyone's gona be fine...
Coz my eyelids gave twitches...
twitching with indications that something's gona happen...
But I'm too tired to find out and call the whole list...
Sigh... my mind's in limbo...
Wondering what should I do...
are things with me gona just stay this way
or will there be some improvements some day?..
I've been already broken...
Fallen...
I guess the only way would be up...
Just wait and see...
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
It's all just simple...
A stalk of rose was what I gave Min to start her day...
Regardless of how I thought she'd react in any way...
Delivered with a small note in it I say...
"I've been lonesome 'til numb,
missed you I have since the day we parted.
And all I have for company is pure imagination
and dreams"....
~Everyday I look forward to seeing you
A pretender I am to show that I didn't care.
My inspiration and obsession you are
My life with you I'd want to share.
I want to daze at your eyes
and whisper what I feel for you
and ever dreaming of your lovely smile
right before me that brightens my day!
Your pretty face I want to touch
To hold you close in comfort...
But yet...
I've got to realise that
In life's trickery being played upon me
I must accept that you don't belong to me...
Days will come and go...
My love for you, you'd never know..
And in time
Our different ways we'll go
And your memories of me
like a river it will flow
flow flow away into a forgotten land...
But for now... here I stand
Just looking forward to the day I'd just see you...~
Regardless of how I thought she'd react in any way...
Delivered with a small note in it I say...
"I've been lonesome 'til numb,
missed you I have since the day we parted.
And all I have for company is pure imagination
and dreams"....
~Everyday I look forward to seeing you
A pretender I am to show that I didn't care.
My inspiration and obsession you are
My life with you I'd want to share.
I want to daze at your eyes
and whisper what I feel for you
and ever dreaming of your lovely smile
right before me that brightens my day!
Your pretty face I want to touch
To hold you close in comfort...
But yet...
I've got to realise that
In life's trickery being played upon me
I must accept that you don't belong to me...
Days will come and go...
My love for you, you'd never know..
And in time
Our different ways we'll go
And your memories of me
like a river it will flow
flow flow away into a forgotten land...
But for now... here I stand
Just looking forward to the day I'd just see you...~
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
gloomy
A very gloomy day today...
wet....cold...greyish clouds...
no sense of happiness felt from everyone in the office....
Stepping out of the house at about 5.45am trying to make it to work ASAP
today... didn't make it in time for the briefing
thus got freakin' skrewed today...
Giving me a wonderful start of the day too.... WOW! can you imagine...
I miss the days when coming to the east was basically a drive in me to do so...
A wanting....A thing to look forward to...
In the past, there was the surf I'd go for,
but now, where is the time for it?
And even so, I can't ever do what I used to be great at...
age?...well maybe.
Beyond that... A wonderful girl for me to care for...to love...
Where art thou now?
Disappeared?....like how she made crowds vanish when she's with me?
With her, I'd go to the most crowded places...
Coz with her...my world surrounds.
The stage play of life becomes just us
Nobody else but us walking through the scenes of our own...
She is constantly missed...
My head is burning....my heart is screamin' for her....
But yet she can't feel nor hear....
My time was for her...and is still for her...
Will she take it?...
Where is my stand in her now?... seriously just friends?
Everytime when I'm alone with nothing to do...
She comes to mind...
Even so...when I'm busy, but at least my stuff keep me at bay...
my head rumbles...my heart splits...
with hands outreach wanting to feel her,
to touch her...embracing and hold her hand...
but is that possible?...
Will there be?...
sigh... here I sit... lonesome...
wet....cold...greyish clouds...
no sense of happiness felt from everyone in the office....
Stepping out of the house at about 5.45am trying to make it to work ASAP
today... didn't make it in time for the briefing
thus got freakin' skrewed today...
Giving me a wonderful start of the day too.... WOW! can you imagine...
I miss the days when coming to the east was basically a drive in me to do so...
A wanting....A thing to look forward to...
In the past, there was the surf I'd go for,
but now, where is the time for it?
And even so, I can't ever do what I used to be great at...
age?...well maybe.
Beyond that... A wonderful girl for me to care for...to love...
Where art thou now?
Disappeared?....like how she made crowds vanish when she's with me?
With her, I'd go to the most crowded places...
Coz with her...my world surrounds.
The stage play of life becomes just us
Nobody else but us walking through the scenes of our own...
She is constantly missed...
My head is burning....my heart is screamin' for her....
But yet she can't feel nor hear....
My time was for her...and is still for her...
Will she take it?...
Where is my stand in her now?... seriously just friends?
Everytime when I'm alone with nothing to do...
She comes to mind...
Even so...when I'm busy, but at least my stuff keep me at bay...
my head rumbles...my heart splits...
with hands outreach wanting to feel her,
to touch her...embracing and hold her hand...
but is that possible?...
Will there be?...
sigh... here I sit... lonesome...
Monday, June 19, 2006
Tired...
What a day it's been...
Reaching work so early in the morning...and getting out of office even later than normal...
ridiculous!
My mind just went for a shut down...
After speaking to the Div Vice prez, Uncle Chow, I learnt some valueable lessons concerning the field of engineering...
"The thing about engineering is to do wonders with simple ideas... a complicated product can be done by anyone"... and the explanation of the Tao symbol..."Everything in life goes in a cycle, balance in a circular motion... And in any peaceful and smooth flowing process there is an element of risk, yet there is always a spark of opportunity in the midst of adversity..."
Some cool teachings huh....hahaa....
Soon as I reached home, I tumbled down on my room floor and just went to a short session of deep sleep...
tired....exhausted....suddenly my body just let go of everything and shutdown...
Flashes of how I felt my break up uncontrollably struck my mind...
the feelings rushed in...and thus I write.....
~Simple joys, hopes and sorrow all at once break
like ripples on the shore of the deep and solemn river
where my willing feet firmly stood...
Oh I see you in my dreams
passing through my soul and then
leaving me, you went away...
leaving me incomplete...
And though our parting seems like yesterday,
daily life tries to soften of its bitter pain
and while learning this aching experience
I hope...
For the touch of grief
will render my nature more serene,
giving life to new aspirations,
a new trust in the unseen.
Hope and faith, born of my sorrow
pillars in my life they shall become
and the foundation on which they stand
shall be my heart.
Never have I felt wasted in any moment with you.
I'm not as good as you thought me to be,
But...
I've tired to do right...
And now it seems like it's too late to even try
to do better in your darling eyes.
It's a comfort yet to know that someone
has once loved me
only the way you did...
More than anything in the world,
I used to think I couldn't let you go...
Slowly I'm learning to feel I didn't lose you
and that you're more to me than before...
When and if you turn to me,
I won't fail you...
and if it's hard at times to be alone,
please remember that I've not forgotten you...~
Reaching work so early in the morning...and getting out of office even later than normal...
ridiculous!
My mind just went for a shut down...
After speaking to the Div Vice prez, Uncle Chow, I learnt some valueable lessons concerning the field of engineering...
"The thing about engineering is to do wonders with simple ideas... a complicated product can be done by anyone"... and the explanation of the Tao symbol..."Everything in life goes in a cycle, balance in a circular motion... And in any peaceful and smooth flowing process there is an element of risk, yet there is always a spark of opportunity in the midst of adversity..."
Some cool teachings huh....hahaa....
Soon as I reached home, I tumbled down on my room floor and just went to a short session of deep sleep...
tired....exhausted....suddenly my body just let go of everything and shutdown...
Flashes of how I felt my break up uncontrollably struck my mind...
the feelings rushed in...and thus I write.....
~Simple joys, hopes and sorrow all at once break
like ripples on the shore of the deep and solemn river
where my willing feet firmly stood...
Oh I see you in my dreams
passing through my soul and then
leaving me, you went away...
leaving me incomplete...
And though our parting seems like yesterday,
daily life tries to soften of its bitter pain
and while learning this aching experience
I hope...
For the touch of grief
will render my nature more serene,
giving life to new aspirations,
a new trust in the unseen.
Hope and faith, born of my sorrow
pillars in my life they shall become
and the foundation on which they stand
shall be my heart.
Never have I felt wasted in any moment with you.
I'm not as good as you thought me to be,
But...
I've tired to do right...
And now it seems like it's too late to even try
to do better in your darling eyes.
It's a comfort yet to know that someone
has once loved me
only the way you did...
More than anything in the world,
I used to think I couldn't let you go...
Slowly I'm learning to feel I didn't lose you
and that you're more to me than before...
When and if you turn to me,
I won't fail you...
and if it's hard at times to be alone,
please remember that I've not forgotten you...~
Sunday, June 18, 2006
why is it so difficult?...
Why is it so difficult to let down what you've picked up once before...?
Realising my very state of mind... realising the situation I am in...
I find that my shattered heart can lie to myself no more...
the more I think about it...the more I'd wish for her to be by my side...
now it has reached a stage where I don't know how to express myself when I see her...
coz I'm not sure how to....I've been too used to treat her with affection...
as a friend...beside me... I try to hold back all my actions of affections towards her...
such that my muscles simply cramp at pose not knowing what's the next full action to be...
body confusions....
~Oh gentle winds beneath the moonlit skies
Do you not hear my heart cries?
Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
Do you not hear my woeful screams?
Upon meadows, touched with dew
Do you not see my heart's a'skew?
And under the vast skies of million stars
Do you not feel my jagged scars?
My heart...
Scattered across the moonlit skies
All with heartfelt sighs
Drifting in the gentle rain
A symbol of my silen pain
It's lost among the stars this night
Too far to ease my quiet fright
Oh no gentle winds
seek not my heart
For very simply....
It has...
I am...
my gentle heart...
has torn apart...~
Realising my very state of mind... realising the situation I am in...
I find that my shattered heart can lie to myself no more...
the more I think about it...the more I'd wish for her to be by my side...
now it has reached a stage where I don't know how to express myself when I see her...
coz I'm not sure how to....I've been too used to treat her with affection...
as a friend...beside me... I try to hold back all my actions of affections towards her...
such that my muscles simply cramp at pose not knowing what's the next full action to be...
body confusions....
~Oh gentle winds beneath the moonlit skies
Do you not hear my heart cries?
Do you not sense my fear and doubt?
Do you not hear my woeful screams?
Upon meadows, touched with dew
Do you not see my heart's a'skew?
And under the vast skies of million stars
Do you not feel my jagged scars?
My heart...
Scattered across the moonlit skies
All with heartfelt sighs
Drifting in the gentle rain
A symbol of my silen pain
It's lost among the stars this night
Too far to ease my quiet fright
Oh no gentle winds
seek not my heart
For very simply....
It has...
I am...
my gentle heart...
has torn apart...~
My dedication...
As I sat down by the windy beach side...
The breeze and the rushing of the waves...
then a little white dog came by...
reminded me of the day when you and I first came to the beach
with a little dog too...a little white dog...
somehow u keep coming to mind... somehow there's something
left attached to you...
My heart... and thus I write....
~The sky can collapse on us
and the earth can cave
Little does it matter to me if you love me
My surrounding disappears...
As long as love flood my morning
As my body will quiver beneath your hands
Problems matter so little
My dear 'coz you love me...
I'd go through and way pass my limits
To the ends of the earth
beyond the sights of the horizon
if you asked me to...
To just be for us...
perfect for you for me
taking things on a slow
one step at a time...~
"I wouldn't say that I can't live without you...
but I chose not to...
No matter how much it takes..."
The breeze and the rushing of the waves...
then a little white dog came by...
reminded me of the day when you and I first came to the beach
with a little dog too...a little white dog...
somehow u keep coming to mind... somehow there's something
left attached to you...
My heart... and thus I write....
~The sky can collapse on us
and the earth can cave
Little does it matter to me if you love me
My surrounding disappears...
As long as love flood my morning
As my body will quiver beneath your hands
Problems matter so little
My dear 'coz you love me...
I'd go through and way pass my limits
To the ends of the earth
beyond the sights of the horizon
if you asked me to...
To just be for us...
perfect for you for me
taking things on a slow
one step at a time...~
"I wouldn't say that I can't live without you...
but I chose not to...
No matter how much it takes..."
minzie cuts
just passed midnite..
Min got a cut on her foot...
Didn't hear the SMS comin' in while I was on the way home...
I was worried when I got to know about it.
the very next reaction was to get out of my house and see how she was
maybe I'd just go down and see her tomorrow... or maybe get her some chee cheong fan too...
her craving for that. But that depends on what time work is done for me...
Hope it's just a cut...nothing more than that...
Min got a cut on her foot...
Didn't hear the SMS comin' in while I was on the way home...
I was worried when I got to know about it.
the very next reaction was to get out of my house and see how she was
maybe I'd just go down and see her tomorrow... or maybe get her some chee cheong fan too...
her craving for that. But that depends on what time work is done for me...
Hope it's just a cut...nothing more than that...
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Today I just told myself....
Kenneth, just be spontaneous in what you wanna do.
don't think of the results of it.
My run last night brought in something about myself...
I bring myself a better sense of accomplishment doing something
I feel like doing that moment...
like NIKE... 'just do it'...
I felt myself running down an endless road.
Not knowing when it will end..
the thing is...it won't. there are always other roads to come to keep the distance there...
Only I decide when the journey ends, even when I can't decide when the road ends...
how far you want to get through things...it all depends on myself...
and no matter the distance... it some how still going to be worth it...
Kenneth, just be spontaneous in what you wanna do.
don't think of the results of it.
My run last night brought in something about myself...
I bring myself a better sense of accomplishment doing something
I feel like doing that moment...
like NIKE... 'just do it'...
I felt myself running down an endless road.
Not knowing when it will end..
the thing is...it won't. there are always other roads to come to keep the distance there...
Only I decide when the journey ends, even when I can't decide when the road ends...
how far you want to get through things...it all depends on myself...
and no matter the distance... it some how still going to be worth it...
Friday, June 16, 2006
I can't help but...
...........................................................................................................................................................................
Mi Mancherai I will miss you
Perché vai via? Why are you going away?
Perché l'amore in te se spento? Why has the love in you died?
Perché? Why?
Non cambierà niente lo so Nothing will change i know
E dentro sento te And inside I feel you....
...........................................................................................................................................................................
~To watch you leaving....
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into my soul.
As a stake from the garden tears
into this warm dark earth...
Knowing all the while that never again
will I fit myself
warm and heart flutters
against your smooth back
and your sweet smelling neck.
Nor hear your steady breathing
and beating of your heart...
aware in every moment of my days
that my dreams, my future,
once tied with silken ribbons to yours
will never come to be.
And the mornings once so silent
so blissful and hopeful,
us gazing at each other's eyes with smiles
and gentle touches that comes after,
in hall or at home...
are now but small pieces of my past...
To watch you leaving is to know
my lost of place on this earth, my heart's home.
that I now a new nomad
alone and torn.
And in my troubled dreams
watch you leave...
again and again...
the pain and the tears comes daily..
All with you leaving...~
Mi Mancherai I will miss you
Perché vai via? Why are you going away?
Perché l'amore in te se spento? Why has the love in you died?
Perché? Why?
Non cambierà niente lo so Nothing will change i know
E dentro sento te And inside I feel you....
...........................................................................................................................................................................
~To watch you leaving....
is to know such pain,
it's jagged edges tearing into my soul.
As a stake from the garden tears
into this warm dark earth...
Knowing all the while that never again
will I fit myself
warm and heart flutters
against your smooth back
and your sweet smelling neck.
Nor hear your steady breathing
and beating of your heart...
aware in every moment of my days
that my dreams, my future,
once tied with silken ribbons to yours
will never come to be.
And the mornings once so silent
so blissful and hopeful,
us gazing at each other's eyes with smiles
and gentle touches that comes after,
in hall or at home...
are now but small pieces of my past...
To watch you leaving is to know
my lost of place on this earth, my heart's home.
that I now a new nomad
alone and torn.
And in my troubled dreams
watch you leave...
again and again...
the pain and the tears comes daily..
All with you leaving...~
morning aches...
This morning, I woke up to an unexpected aching....
The aching of my heart...What is it?...
A dream Or something that my mind captured the day before
and thus playing my body chemistry, hitting at my emotions?
Oh darn I really don't know...
Maybe...
Maybe silence winds a troubled mind...
A silence between us....
Thas is shaking my very consciousness...
I know, you consistantly feelt he lack of connectivity...
To you everything is about connectivity...
But have you thought that if only you'd let yourself loose
Let your great expectations be alittle more fluid,
you'd be a happier person?
Nobody in this world is perfect...
I'm not...and there is no way I can be...
Even this world isn't perfect to begin with.
Sometimes I'd wish that you just let go
Sometimes I'd wish that you'll find the meaning of life
In it's simplicity.
I love you and I love you very much...
Not because of lust nor just beauty...
Not because of taking you for a fling
Or some short term joy ride....
But rather for the person that you are
And the person you make me want to be.
Some may believe that there is no such thing
as changing for the one you love...
No such thing as making long term adjustments to fit the one you love...
But I believe otherwise.
I'm willing if my love is willing to accept things and give time...
Allowance basically...
Anyway...saying all these, would all this still matter to you?
Am I being blocked away from you?
Blocked by the coldness of your heart....
you somehow make me feel so...
well I guess you'd not want to bother.
I hope one day you'll just simply realize what I mean...
But then maybe you don't wish to see it...
Living in the fantasy world of perfection...
perfect to your own conception...fitting to you only...
Sigh...
today...I also..
remembered the first musical movie I every bought....
was RENT...the feeling I felt buying it.
I didn't know how it was....was it good or not...
had no questions... the point was you said it was good..and you wanted to catch it so much...
I went around looking for it the moment I heard it...
finally found it and purchased...
the excitment bringing it back to you for a surprise...
so much for "thousand sweet kisses"...
The aching of my heart...What is it?...
A dream Or something that my mind captured the day before
and thus playing my body chemistry, hitting at my emotions?
Oh darn I really don't know...
Maybe...
Maybe silence winds a troubled mind...
A silence between us....
Thas is shaking my very consciousness...
I know, you consistantly feelt he lack of connectivity...
To you everything is about connectivity...
But have you thought that if only you'd let yourself loose
Let your great expectations be alittle more fluid,
you'd be a happier person?
Nobody in this world is perfect...
I'm not...and there is no way I can be...
Even this world isn't perfect to begin with.
Sometimes I'd wish that you just let go
Sometimes I'd wish that you'll find the meaning of life
In it's simplicity.
I love you and I love you very much...
Not because of lust nor just beauty...
Not because of taking you for a fling
Or some short term joy ride....
But rather for the person that you are
And the person you make me want to be.
Some may believe that there is no such thing
as changing for the one you love...
No such thing as making long term adjustments to fit the one you love...
But I believe otherwise.
I'm willing if my love is willing to accept things and give time...
Allowance basically...
Anyway...saying all these, would all this still matter to you?
Am I being blocked away from you?
Blocked by the coldness of your heart....
you somehow make me feel so...
well I guess you'd not want to bother.
I hope one day you'll just simply realize what I mean...
But then maybe you don't wish to see it...
Living in the fantasy world of perfection...
perfect to your own conception...fitting to you only...
Sigh...
today...I also..
remembered the first musical movie I every bought....
was RENT...the feeling I felt buying it.
I didn't know how it was....was it good or not...
had no questions... the point was you said it was good..and you wanted to catch it so much...
I went around looking for it the moment I heard it...
finally found it and purchased...
the excitment bringing it back to you for a surprise...
so much for "thousand sweet kisses"...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
a funny thing...
I say love is a funny thing...
well..
~I might have been blind in loving
And see the signs you’re giving
I have ignored every crashing
Now I’m on my knees confessing
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your dance is full of grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
I have been wrong about you
thought I could be strong without you
For so long
Nothing could move me
For so long
Nothing could change me
Only you...~
Times with you feels golden no matter what we maybe...it doesn't matter...
All that there is... I salvage I keep hold. Precious touch sweetness scents...the undying emotional feeling of completeness of the day...
Somethings that you'd not understand 'til you've felt it... the empowering experience...
that lights of the fire within a man in exhausion...
a fusion of psychological and body chemicals within one body...
It all makes whatever there is and to be holding on to worthwhile...
~~The wind that softly blows
changing my destiny this night
And that I feel my heart
will be surprised again
yet by my own actions...
By hurt or joy...
sadness or happiness...
But life then has more meaning
looking into the immense sky
Oh the enamored moon
illuminated by me
yes it will be..
Coz' I now am fire
Suddenly in the night, love
like the sea
Invades my heart and soul
With every moment with you...
And it will save me
Then the air in me will speak to me of you...
Then I hope the lost light be born within me once again...~~
14th night was good...if not great. Though we may not be, but unknowingly, emotional warmth just flows through... to give comfort and with that I surrender in acceptance...
You're my poison yet my pill...just the irony of this imperfect world...
*smiles*
well..
~I might have been blind in loving
And see the signs you’re giving
I have ignored every crashing
Now I’m on my knees confessing
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your dance is full of grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
I have been wrong about you
thought I could be strong without you
For so long
Nothing could move me
For so long
Nothing could change me
Only you...~
Times with you feels golden no matter what we maybe...it doesn't matter...
All that there is... I salvage I keep hold. Precious touch sweetness scents...the undying emotional feeling of completeness of the day...
Somethings that you'd not understand 'til you've felt it... the empowering experience...
that lights of the fire within a man in exhausion...
a fusion of psychological and body chemicals within one body...
It all makes whatever there is and to be holding on to worthwhile...
~~The wind that softly blows
changing my destiny this night
And that I feel my heart
will be surprised again
yet by my own actions...
By hurt or joy...
sadness or happiness...
But life then has more meaning
looking into the immense sky
Oh the enamored moon
illuminated by me
yes it will be..
Coz' I now am fire
Suddenly in the night, love
like the sea
Invades my heart and soul
With every moment with you...
And it will save me
Then the air in me will speak to me of you...
Then I hope the lost light be born within me once again...~~
14th night was good...if not great. Though we may not be, but unknowingly, emotional warmth just flows through... to give comfort and with that I surrender in acceptance...
You're my poison yet my pill...just the irony of this imperfect world...
*smiles*
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
My acridgashes
~Moments you put me through..
with me loving you like a fool
I would give it I really mean it
time and effort are just my tools..
I'd go crazy to know that you
ain't feeling all that much too well
I'd be your shell oh baby can't you tell
I need you to love me
And I love you more...~
Oh crap a day it's been... exhausion... the maddening rage building inside of me...
confined in the flying tube with wings I can't do yet a thing...
It's just burning inside... burning burning...the combustion just churning...
A wait for an explosion to come...never know when it's gona hit...
I need a coolant...to bring down the fire... and all cutting like barbwire..
Am I going to warp back into the hard...tough.. stone cold masking?...
She was my strength my light...
like the power of the red sun
but yet still my kryptonite...
I have to fight this...I can't let this be
can't let this become of me...
What's it with her and being grouchy these days?... some kinda habit during the holidays?...
Too free isn't good...To busy isn't good either... how is it then to strike a balance in her?...
Only she can deal with it...
Wherever I stood...no matter where I maybe...I'd be there...contactable to her...
when she needs someone to complain things about...
to bitch about... anything at all...but why is it that from that...she turned to being grouchy...
and stay grouchy and treat it like everyone is pissing her off including me when there was nothing I could do...and nothing I did...
all I did was to be there...
If you don't want me to be there for you girl...
tell me so...
I'd just disappear...
to stay friends? what friends?....you treat your friends this way?...
i don't know either...
anyway it's all about you...just you...
your choice...
Though it's like my heart's acridgashes...
aching with all emo slashes...
If it means you feeling better...then so be it...
~All I'd give...
would be roses with petals falling to the ground to smoothen your way...
your well liked Mentos to freshen your day...
and like foot thongs to keep you protected and you dance through
your journey day by day...~
with me loving you like a fool
I would give it I really mean it
time and effort are just my tools..
I'd go crazy to know that you
ain't feeling all that much too well
I'd be your shell oh baby can't you tell
I need you to love me
And I love you more...~
Oh crap a day it's been... exhausion... the maddening rage building inside of me...
confined in the flying tube with wings I can't do yet a thing...
It's just burning inside... burning burning...the combustion just churning...
A wait for an explosion to come...never know when it's gona hit...
I need a coolant...to bring down the fire... and all cutting like barbwire..
Am I going to warp back into the hard...tough.. stone cold masking?...
She was my strength my light...
like the power of the red sun
but yet still my kryptonite...
I have to fight this...I can't let this be
can't let this become of me...
What's it with her and being grouchy these days?... some kinda habit during the holidays?...
Too free isn't good...To busy isn't good either... how is it then to strike a balance in her?...
Only she can deal with it...
Wherever I stood...no matter where I maybe...I'd be there...contactable to her...
when she needs someone to complain things about...
to bitch about... anything at all...but why is it that from that...she turned to being grouchy...
and stay grouchy and treat it like everyone is pissing her off including me when there was nothing I could do...and nothing I did...
all I did was to be there...
If you don't want me to be there for you girl...
tell me so...
I'd just disappear...
to stay friends? what friends?....you treat your friends this way?...
i don't know either...
anyway it's all about you...just you...
your choice...
Though it's like my heart's acridgashes...
aching with all emo slashes...
If it means you feeling better...then so be it...
~All I'd give...
would be roses with petals falling to the ground to smoothen your way...
your well liked Mentos to freshen your day...
and like foot thongs to keep you protected and you dance through
your journey day by day...~
Monday, June 12, 2006
Thinking...of you...
Thinking. Can't stop thinking.
Think of you. This and That.
My Life that day.
That dream was mine.
You gave me light
like I was being struck my lightning
awaken I was.
Burning so hot, so intensely
exploding every emotions in me...
like a star the dark pitch black sky
You were a star in my eyes
Yet like stars...your intensity's gone...
Loosening the pull of you to me...
Dry it became thus came friction.
Leaving me dazed, confused...
and without true reality
There lonesome I sat...
wondering....
just wondering....
and reaching out into the emptiness...
for the star that once lit my way in life....
will there be a birth of new light in this darkness?...
I sit alone...just waiting....
Think of you. This and That.
My Life that day.
That dream was mine.
You gave me light
like I was being struck my lightning
awaken I was.
Burning so hot, so intensely
exploding every emotions in me...
like a star the dark pitch black sky
You were a star in my eyes
Yet like stars...your intensity's gone...
Loosening the pull of you to me...
Dry it became thus came friction.
Leaving me dazed, confused...
and without true reality
There lonesome I sat...
wondering....
just wondering....
and reaching out into the emptiness...
for the star that once lit my way in life....
will there be a birth of new light in this darkness?...
I sit alone...just waiting....
Home coming...
Exhausion brought me into some trance...
head was swaying and suddenly I saw everything like a whirlpool....
The very next moment was darkness....
didn't know I just knocked out for a straight 3hrs! hahaa...but woke up to a bad dream...
Something about me and dreams somehow...
a spark in that other world
and the twitch of my eyelids...
getting me to fear what could be coming...directly or indirectly to me...
lucky thing this time there wasn't anything wrong with my eyelids...phew!
hahaa...
Anyway...it's about time...in a couple of hours...I'd be home bound...back to the place I'd call home... within closer radius of people I care for and the person I wanna care for and be as near as possible to.
closer the range the better...
Sigh...I miss her so...
she told me she lack rest today...her grouchiness..and the nagging of her mum...
wish I could just take it all away and have those upon me while she keeps her smiles and joy.
finaly to the end of her day...when she can take a break and finally rest...Alas! noisy people shakes her mind giving her no rest...and she's feverish...
catching a cold I guess....
probably from sunday's rain...
wanna take care of her... watch over her....as she sleeps...taking away all the distractions and disturbance and let her rest like a baby...
"Oh lord...may the discomfort and sleepless nights
befall me instead of those I care for...
For I'd better deal with it as I've already been in it all along...
One man takes on the rest...while
they keep the best..."
"Their smiles are already a comfort to my heart..."
Oh yes...today I got a call from some modelling agency...asking me to join them...
damn it they must be blind folks....
me?...whata hell right?... =/
go there and paiseh...
head was swaying and suddenly I saw everything like a whirlpool....
The very next moment was darkness....
didn't know I just knocked out for a straight 3hrs! hahaa...but woke up to a bad dream...
Something about me and dreams somehow...
a spark in that other world
and the twitch of my eyelids...
getting me to fear what could be coming...directly or indirectly to me...
lucky thing this time there wasn't anything wrong with my eyelids...phew!
hahaa...
Anyway...it's about time...in a couple of hours...I'd be home bound...back to the place I'd call home... within closer radius of people I care for and the person I wanna care for and be as near as possible to.
closer the range the better...
Sigh...I miss her so...
she told me she lack rest today...her grouchiness..and the nagging of her mum...
wish I could just take it all away and have those upon me while she keeps her smiles and joy.
finaly to the end of her day...when she can take a break and finally rest...Alas! noisy people shakes her mind giving her no rest...and she's feverish...
catching a cold I guess....
probably from sunday's rain...
wanna take care of her... watch over her....as she sleeps...taking away all the distractions and disturbance and let her rest like a baby...
"Oh lord...may the discomfort and sleepless nights
befall me instead of those I care for...
For I'd better deal with it as I've already been in it all along...
One man takes on the rest...while
they keep the best..."
"Their smiles are already a comfort to my heart..."
Oh yes...today I got a call from some modelling agency...asking me to join them...
damn it they must be blind folks....
me?...whata hell right?... =/
go there and paiseh...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
To toulouse
Reaching the place of destination for work....
that's where work begins through and through..
where is the stop?
Well I don't know got no idea...
I'm not the boss
that put me here!
Ok now I'm kinda getting alittle exhausted. need to re-energize myself. Freezing cold everywhere these days...maybe even the once hot desert might be freezing up...hahaa
My lovely girl has got dance today and I hope no hurt or injuries befalls her... always want her safe.
Somehow I do see myself in her...like she to dance and me in the past to water sports...
Pain, tired, rushy...whatever it is...still must go. Coz' whatever the case is...it somehow eases the mind for those moments.
Well I used to take windsurfing as a form of dance art on the water...making the smooth stunts...flips 3m above water level...or some 360 turns and stuff like that...
like a dances on a water stage when u view across the vast sea horizon...
you'd feel like you're taking flight any moment and you're just free...free to the speed that only you know you can reach.
Well liking the adrenaline and things like that was really secondary...what was most important was you weren't thinking about anything else...just on what you're doing that very moment.
That's when I found myself...
that's when I see myself in struggles...
in pain...excitment... rage... holding some fighting spirit...
the determination to get to where I wanna be. and not just getting there is how I get there.
It's gotta be good. wanted to be the best...best in my league.
And was I, well only the people who saw can tell...
trophies...medals...they mean nothing... it's how the people I brought together...saw me...that was important. Coz' they are probably the one who will live long the dreams I had when the injuries on me just start to take over... Doing what I used to do?....I can never reach where I was again. Good to pass it on.
The way I see her dance... may not be the pros...but it's somewhat better coz it's with expression... with feeling... like a very part of her. Though panting in exhaustion, she moves in those beautiful steps to make the whole art piece wonderful...
Art...is acquired... it doesn't matter how people see it to be...it's what you see it to be that make you different from the rest...
And she is different. Could see her tired in a dance but filled with life...
hahaa...well...swaying from what happens to me today to talking about her once again....
Can't help it...what's there to say about me work?...just work..get done.
I guess I miss her so much, she doesn't know...
it doesn't matter... So long I know she is well and happy... having her smile is more important.
right Kenneth?...
right... =)
that's where work begins through and through..
where is the stop?
Well I don't know got no idea...
I'm not the boss
that put me here!
Ok now I'm kinda getting alittle exhausted. need to re-energize myself. Freezing cold everywhere these days...maybe even the once hot desert might be freezing up...hahaa
My lovely girl has got dance today and I hope no hurt or injuries befalls her... always want her safe.
Somehow I do see myself in her...like she to dance and me in the past to water sports...
Pain, tired, rushy...whatever it is...still must go. Coz' whatever the case is...it somehow eases the mind for those moments.
Well I used to take windsurfing as a form of dance art on the water...making the smooth stunts...flips 3m above water level...or some 360 turns and stuff like that...
like a dances on a water stage when u view across the vast sea horizon...
you'd feel like you're taking flight any moment and you're just free...free to the speed that only you know you can reach.
Well liking the adrenaline and things like that was really secondary...what was most important was you weren't thinking about anything else...just on what you're doing that very moment.
That's when I found myself...
that's when I see myself in struggles...
in pain...excitment... rage... holding some fighting spirit...
the determination to get to where I wanna be. and not just getting there is how I get there.
It's gotta be good. wanted to be the best...best in my league.
And was I, well only the people who saw can tell...
trophies...medals...they mean nothing... it's how the people I brought together...saw me...that was important. Coz' they are probably the one who will live long the dreams I had when the injuries on me just start to take over... Doing what I used to do?....I can never reach where I was again. Good to pass it on.
The way I see her dance... may not be the pros...but it's somewhat better coz it's with expression... with feeling... like a very part of her. Though panting in exhaustion, she moves in those beautiful steps to make the whole art piece wonderful...
Art...is acquired... it doesn't matter how people see it to be...it's what you see it to be that make you different from the rest...
And she is different. Could see her tired in a dance but filled with life...
hahaa...well...swaying from what happens to me today to talking about her once again....
Can't help it...what's there to say about me work?...just work..get done.
I guess I miss her so much, she doesn't know...
it doesn't matter... So long I know she is well and happy... having her smile is more important.
right Kenneth?...
right... =)
It's been trying...
In a long period when I could just sit and do some thinking of my own...
Where everything else stops revolving only the matters of heart and my mind...
I found that there are things that I've been prepared to giving everything for
but doesn't work out...yet there are things I've got absolutely no idea about just pops
into the stillness of my life and stirs things up.
My life has been just a dream... some dream where I wish I'd just wanna wake up from
and want to make things right.
Third day... away from love...
I've yearned to kiss her on her cool lips
hugging her with full emotions
filling my heart with warmth and gladness...
I yearn back those moments when I could just sit in daze looking at her...
sniffing around the sweet aroma by her neck and whispering love to her ears...
I miss those things...
L'amour est douleur...
Love is pain...
yet I'd want to go through it...
the tears I shed...
the aches I experienced
from every heart beat I felt....
I guess I should be lucky enough
that she has once loved me and
even had the thoughts of marry
but that was just a vision...
Some vision...
Enough to bring me up high...
but of course to fall with greater impact.
Those were the very moments I cherished and I wish come back...
As I imagine it all before me,
trust me unknowingly I actually did reach out in front of me
thinking that it was her I could feel...
But nothing...it was the cold air...
pure emptiness...
Oh well...
I guess she is getting on fine without me...seemingly happy...I hope she is
with the fact that I'm in pain...to make my pain worth...I hope she is happy...
sigh...
what's bliss? can anyone just tell me?
Felt I forgotting that already...it just vanished into the cracking heart of mine...
I just need to explode..!
Where everything else stops revolving only the matters of heart and my mind...
I found that there are things that I've been prepared to giving everything for
but doesn't work out...yet there are things I've got absolutely no idea about just pops
into the stillness of my life and stirs things up.
My life has been just a dream... some dream where I wish I'd just wanna wake up from
and want to make things right.
Third day... away from love...
I've yearned to kiss her on her cool lips
hugging her with full emotions
filling my heart with warmth and gladness...
I yearn back those moments when I could just sit in daze looking at her...
sniffing around the sweet aroma by her neck and whispering love to her ears...
I miss those things...
L'amour est douleur...
Love is pain...
yet I'd want to go through it...
the tears I shed...
the aches I experienced
from every heart beat I felt....
I guess I should be lucky enough
that she has once loved me and
even had the thoughts of marry
but that was just a vision...
Some vision...
Enough to bring me up high...
but of course to fall with greater impact.
Those were the very moments I cherished and I wish come back...
As I imagine it all before me,
trust me unknowingly I actually did reach out in front of me
thinking that it was her I could feel...
But nothing...it was the cold air...
pure emptiness...
Oh well...
I guess she is getting on fine without me...seemingly happy...I hope she is
with the fact that I'm in pain...to make my pain worth...I hope she is happy...
sigh...
what's bliss? can anyone just tell me?
Felt I forgotting that already...it just vanished into the cracking heart of mine...
I just need to explode..!
Saturday, June 10, 2006
getting on a day...
It's been a day....
a day without the drive i used to have
a day when I don't keep track of time to get off work...
coz it just became unimportant altogether...
what else was it for me to look forward into?
the truth is...nothing...
wonder how she is...
just do...
sigh...
picking up was easy...but seemingly though I hope I'm wrong....
letting go was also easy for her...
seemed so easy...
my aches...my heart aches so much..
with every ticking seconds of the today....
a day without the drive i used to have
a day when I don't keep track of time to get off work...
coz it just became unimportant altogether...
what else was it for me to look forward into?
the truth is...nothing...
wonder how she is...
just do...
sigh...
picking up was easy...but seemingly though I hope I'm wrong....
letting go was also easy for her...
seemed so easy...
my aches...my heart aches so much..
with every ticking seconds of the today....
Thursday, June 08, 2006
it was more than her moodiness.. I'm just being shattered once again
Tell my faults now
I want to know
Though I've changed
And why you'd go
I need to see your face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who breaks my love and brings me tears
Whose love for I'd undyingly fight
Now I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you said to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I let you go
I let you fly
I'm not going to be asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
I want to know
Though I've changed
And why you'd go
I need to see your face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who breaks my love and brings me tears
Whose love for I'd undyingly fight
Now I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you said to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I let you go
I let you fly
I'm not going to be asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
illness combo and a dash of mood swings
Argh the illness....
puking...giddiness...fever....all a combo...just nothing with the runny nose yet...gona be a big combo.
Sigh...hate it feeling the weakness... rather go to work and after that being able to pop by to see my girl at her work place. or at times surprise her after her work...
I did think of doing so today at night.. 'til I started the vomitting...
damn it...
Can you imagine me shivering?...damn I've always been a heated up person and can take winter climate without a problem....but these 2 days...I've been shivering through even if there wasn't any wind and being covered with the blanket...
This is insane!
Feeling my dear girl's moodiness...wonder is there any reason to it...
Did I say or do something wrong? or was it because I didn't do anything at all?...
well maybe it's the time of the month...that really spoils the moods of girls...
I hope to find a way to cheer her up...
thinking hard on it...
but this feeling of physical weakness i getting in the way...
gotta recover fast first...then tmr at least there is a talk of see how things goes...
gotta rest...
puking...giddiness...fever....all a combo...just nothing with the runny nose yet...gona be a big combo.
Sigh...hate it feeling the weakness... rather go to work and after that being able to pop by to see my girl at her work place. or at times surprise her after her work...
I did think of doing so today at night.. 'til I started the vomitting...
damn it...
Can you imagine me shivering?...damn I've always been a heated up person and can take winter climate without a problem....but these 2 days...I've been shivering through even if there wasn't any wind and being covered with the blanket...
This is insane!
Feeling my dear girl's moodiness...wonder is there any reason to it...
Did I say or do something wrong? or was it because I didn't do anything at all?...
well maybe it's the time of the month...that really spoils the moods of girls...
I hope to find a way to cheer her up...
thinking hard on it...
but this feeling of physical weakness i getting in the way...
gotta recover fast first...then tmr at least there is a talk of see how things goes...
gotta rest...
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Fever!
Wow yesterday was some nice relaxing day... just out with my girl...
unfortunately her 'Auntie' came and made her kinda upset alittle...but overall it was still good.
Esp going to the Dog farm and all at the farm way2 in the east.
Huskies were so cute!
One day...just one day I'll own one myself. And it'll be a very majestic one....
Anyway...today was darn tiring... having to clear lotsa stuff.
From trying to fight against my duty travel to a screwed up place...to redoing some investigation tabulation which took me 2 weeks to do and now I've got to rush for it... and my annual scholarship report. Worst... I reached a high time of the day when my body heat just increased rapidly and voila...a 40 degrees fever... all at work...
So killing me...
Sigh...going to catch the doc soon...
Pity my darling's day wasn't good too....serving so many indian nationales all the way at the airport terminal 1's DFS... somehow I can feel for her coz I used to work as a waiter and dealing with these people...is really a pain...
And I guess for her....her manager there wasn't too friendly or probably a manager who can't manage her staff well and a character that has gone through much analization. Which makes her now just crap.
I hope she is feeling better now....after work...
just needs some good rest, a dash of bitching and complaining ...and it'll all be better tomorrow..
but somehow I've got a sense that's telling me that something is not pretty right...
maybe I'm just thinking too much...in the bad weather...the heat...
brains either getting over sensitive of just degrading into craziness...
For me, I guess I'm down...
the fever suddenly got me weak and did have some fainting spells along the way out of the darn crowded and conjested work place.
I expected it coming somehow... drank so much water but yet couldn't prevent it...
my heatiness....now I'm just feeling cold....in fact I'm actually shivering even with the still air...
argh...this sucks.
Help me!!!!
unfortunately her 'Auntie' came and made her kinda upset alittle...but overall it was still good.
Esp going to the Dog farm and all at the farm way2 in the east.
Huskies were so cute!
One day...just one day I'll own one myself. And it'll be a very majestic one....
Anyway...today was darn tiring... having to clear lotsa stuff.
From trying to fight against my duty travel to a screwed up place...to redoing some investigation tabulation which took me 2 weeks to do and now I've got to rush for it... and my annual scholarship report. Worst... I reached a high time of the day when my body heat just increased rapidly and voila...a 40 degrees fever... all at work...
So killing me...
Sigh...going to catch the doc soon...
Pity my darling's day wasn't good too....serving so many indian nationales all the way at the airport terminal 1's DFS... somehow I can feel for her coz I used to work as a waiter and dealing with these people...is really a pain...
And I guess for her....her manager there wasn't too friendly or probably a manager who can't manage her staff well and a character that has gone through much analization. Which makes her now just crap.
I hope she is feeling better now....after work...
just needs some good rest, a dash of bitching and complaining ...and it'll all be better tomorrow..
but somehow I've got a sense that's telling me that something is not pretty right...
maybe I'm just thinking too much...in the bad weather...the heat...
brains either getting over sensitive of just degrading into craziness...
For me, I guess I'm down...
the fever suddenly got me weak and did have some fainting spells along the way out of the darn crowded and conjested work place.
I expected it coming somehow... drank so much water but yet couldn't prevent it...
my heatiness....now I'm just feeling cold....in fact I'm actually shivering even with the still air...
argh...this sucks.
Help me!!!!
Monday, June 05, 2006
down low....rock bottom
What is it?...
I'm at the brim...
rocking by the edge of the fence...
How long can I stay
How long will I sway...
No longer knowing where all these leads to;
I tried so hard and got this far,
but now I still see everything's like char
crap it is..
rubbish it is...
this academic life is simply my waste...
Now my tongue has lost taste..
taste to everything and anything...
Just no mood to take the next step;
What's the next step anyway?...
I no longer know...
I NEED SOME ANSWERS!!!
Where art thou?
Are you up there watching over me?
Are you goin' to tell me you've got other plans for me?
c'mon...leading the life of the unwanted
or simply a wonderer?
Lonesome, empty, cold and dark?
Tell me...just tell me...
Show me a sign!!!
I've been already hit twice on the same spot
what could be worst?...
Bring it on!
I've got nothing to lose...
suppress me if you must and just let me grow again...stronger....
tougher...
but a terror inside...
and on fire!
NTU...what the hell is this place?...
pissed crap lecturers...
trying to make a difference when they don't look into the mirror
to find themselves unable to guide...
unable to teach...
They should jolly well go for NIE and fail there first before thinking of joining the academic line.
NTU a school?....university?
I guess not...more of an industry of robotic cultivation...
where they install and enhance the memory of those who already has good memory to begin with.
Where they just 'help' up those who need no help...
and burn the cash of those who sincerely needs aid...
money suckers!
Every damn thing about them is about payment...
about money...
it's all full of shit less the passion...
Passion was never a word for them...
Just wasted...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A shine of brilliance
~A new day, a new sunrise
my heart is filled with the colors of spring.
The darkness that has filled my soul
has been replaced by the vibrancy of your smile
and the tender warmth of your touch.
I feel your heart reach for mine,
and I know, at last, joy and warmth are ours.~
Worth it...all good
3rd of June...memory!
Sweet!
Met a good friend...a mind studying person...ie psychologist....
happened to come to singapore for a short visit...met up for coffee...
Pointed me to some good directions....things to look at.
Went for a ridiculous rock climb that my fingers crushed the life of a huge gecko...doing the very same think I was ~scaling the rock walls~... but the whole event made me focus very much on self... things going around me and reflections...
I guess today was an enriching day....a day of some revelations...
Which all brought me to my senses...and I realised I've been kinda blind...deaf..dumb..stupid....
u name it...
things that were made so obvious....put right in front of me yet I didn't get it...
I decided I had to see her after her work at the airport....
surprise her there and then....just by being there...picking her up from work at night..and spending the rest of the night with her... evaluating us...making things possible again.
I'm glad I didn't just drop her off at her gates and went off in the taxi....glad I dropped off too and joined her back home.
And I never thought that re-presenting a gift was somewhat that brought meaning into the whole thing and made things brighter....(oh yah it's some glitter good stuff and does give good luck....crystals! am I starting to believe? hahaa)
As if light suddenly shone through every darkness I've been covered in for 2 whole weeks!!!
So happy I can't sleep...but at least now...sleep is just the matter of me switching off work from my head...heart problems...done settled and will keep it up in good direction....
Everything's gona be alright!
so now....rockabye! rockabye!!
hahaaa....cheers!
Sweet!
Met a good friend...a mind studying person...ie psychologist....
happened to come to singapore for a short visit...met up for coffee...
Pointed me to some good directions....things to look at.
Went for a ridiculous rock climb that my fingers crushed the life of a huge gecko...doing the very same think I was ~scaling the rock walls~... but the whole event made me focus very much on self... things going around me and reflections...
I guess today was an enriching day....a day of some revelations...
Which all brought me to my senses...and I realised I've been kinda blind...deaf..dumb..stupid....
u name it...
things that were made so obvious....put right in front of me yet I didn't get it...
I decided I had to see her after her work at the airport....
surprise her there and then....just by being there...picking her up from work at night..and spending the rest of the night with her... evaluating us...making things possible again.
I'm glad I didn't just drop her off at her gates and went off in the taxi....glad I dropped off too and joined her back home.
And I never thought that re-presenting a gift was somewhat that brought meaning into the whole thing and made things brighter....(oh yah it's some glitter good stuff and does give good luck....crystals! am I starting to believe? hahaa)
As if light suddenly shone through every darkness I've been covered in for 2 whole weeks!!!
So happy I can't sleep...but at least now...sleep is just the matter of me switching off work from my head...heart problems...done settled and will keep it up in good direction....
Everything's gona be alright!
so now....rockabye! rockabye!!
hahaaa....cheers!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
For you
My love must be a kind of blind love
I can't see anyone but you
And dear, I wonder if you find love
An optical illusion, too?
Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear
The moon may be high
But I can't see a thing in the sky
'Cause I only have eyes for you.
I don't know if we're in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
And I only have eyes for you
I can't see anyone but you
And dear, I wonder if you find love
An optical illusion, too?
Are the stars out tonight?
I don't know if it's cloudy or bright
'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear
The moon may be high
But I can't see a thing in the sky
'Cause I only have eyes for you.
I don't know if we're in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
You are here, so am I
Maybe millions of people go by
But they all disappear from view
And I only have eyes for you
Friday, June 02, 2006
Thinkin'...
Wonderin'...wonderin.. wondering how she is at work...has she sold enough to make her commission and time there worth? wondering if there were anyone there to spoil her day besides me doing it unknowingly?
I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?
State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...
Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...
Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit
But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...
Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...
Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....
2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...
I wonder how's she feeling about us now... still hates me for having her kept up all night coz of me refreshing her memory about some traumatic dreams?
State of confusion...as I sit around...though tired I am, but I can't sleep. My mind's working...Off the thoughts from work...but into the thoughts of her.
This is tearing me apart..she doesn't know...she'd probably not care.
Today's only gd thing was cabbing down to see her to work with the reason of making up for keeping her up through the night with dream trauma...coz I got to see her. That was the whole idea then...
Had her in front of me but yet not wanting to look into her eyes...or see her face to face...
Just know she is fine and alright that mattered...
Feared myself getting emotional with the missing...
Managed a straight face while inside I cried...
Managed to sit tight and not move a single bit 'til payment time while soul was reaching out...
Seemed so easy for her to say she'd let go...
with the coldness... the painless look....she is good...very good indeed...
sharp words that pierced me through...jabbed me with twisting blades...
The moments are just so fresh...so alive in my mind...
the feeling of being judged, unwanted, blamed...
in summary...SHit
But there is something that rings inside of me...telling me that somewhere in her, I do mean something to her even after all the heated arguements and getting pissed off and stuff like that...
Does this mean I still have got a chance?
or does this mean things are just getting worst?
or is it that she is trying pick on every single thing between us to bring up some up roar and that I'd really walk away once and for all?
but all these doesn't matter...coz she doesn't say...nobody knows..nobody ever will know...
Question of does she even miss me at all disturbs me....after all the times we shared together...
Things she said to me...the nice ones of coz...
Really kinda like when both of us collide....clash...we break...things just fall apart like that...
damn I don't know how else to pick it up...
Am I not trying? or is it I do not dare try until she gives some obvious signs?...
I don't know...just thinkin'....wonderin'....
2 more hrs before she breaks off from work...
Reviving
Heating up a new blog... something I once did start quick long ago...
I guess now I just need to pen some things down and let this keep track of it.
Having it all on paper is just a waste and keeping some things in it can be such a pain.
The start of a new month, June '06... I hope things around just get better.
Coz' May was a painful one...had a painful ending but yet I still wanna go through it
and with no regrets... why?
I'm crazy? I'm mad or something? Really don't know these days, just gotta let things flow in and gotta stop looking out so much.
Sometimes I'm thinking, why does everyone who comes into my life and somehow leaves in some funny manner or sometimes the time wasn't right thus having to stand down our purpose?
And everyone of them has got some faults I've been prepared to accept but some I've to let go no choice before things get rotten in me... but after chatting with my Godsis, I realised that maybe I'm the shit. The fat of the land that made things go down the drain. going through 10 cycles, long or short...fast or slow...the end of it seemingly boils down to one factor.... me.
The start's always a bliss... so wonderful, so nice...and then it just goes down.
I've got to find the reason to this...
it's killing me everytime things like that happen
Maybe I'm still confused on how girls really are... or that I need to just forget about the whole matter and screw the thought about having relationships and just live with myself...
But that's crazy. Too used to having a girl to care for and think about... to pamper when I've got the resources.
Sigh... My past is just pure history...remember some coz feelings for them were strong I'd do anything to be with them 'til I get exhausted...the rest, who just came and left like the wind... nothing much to remember about and probably already forgotten.
And my present..? well, I'm now left with none 'coz just lost one... one that I'd do anything for to be with too. She did give me a new whole chapter and a different perspective in looking and things. It was something really different. It was nice...wonderful when everything went well until I was slapped to consciousness at the end of it. Just needed time to get used to some reactions, some expressions and some gesture jargons that in time I could understand.
Anywayz that's if I've got the chance....one more chance that I'm hoping for. sigh...oh well, wait for her lor... now I can't do anything also. afraid my lack of sleep makes me do things I might not even full know about and start to regret once it got slipped out. That I can't believe I actually did such things to her. I was utterly sorry. But coz of that she is hating me...and she said 'so much' with 'forever'...Strong words with even greater emphasis. haiz...oh well....
So as for now...think I should just do some searching...search within me. to see WTF is wrong with me that makes me go through life like that. Also to give myself a push to getting some things settled...my feature career is at stake damn it!
I guess now I just need to pen some things down and let this keep track of it.
Having it all on paper is just a waste and keeping some things in it can be such a pain.
The start of a new month, June '06... I hope things around just get better.
Coz' May was a painful one...had a painful ending but yet I still wanna go through it
and with no regrets... why?
I'm crazy? I'm mad or something? Really don't know these days, just gotta let things flow in and gotta stop looking out so much.
Sometimes I'm thinking, why does everyone who comes into my life and somehow leaves in some funny manner or sometimes the time wasn't right thus having to stand down our purpose?
And everyone of them has got some faults I've been prepared to accept but some I've to let go no choice before things get rotten in me... but after chatting with my Godsis, I realised that maybe I'm the shit. The fat of the land that made things go down the drain. going through 10 cycles, long or short...fast or slow...the end of it seemingly boils down to one factor.... me.
The start's always a bliss... so wonderful, so nice...and then it just goes down.
I've got to find the reason to this...
it's killing me everytime things like that happen
Maybe I'm still confused on how girls really are... or that I need to just forget about the whole matter and screw the thought about having relationships and just live with myself...
But that's crazy. Too used to having a girl to care for and think about... to pamper when I've got the resources.
Sigh... My past is just pure history...remember some coz feelings for them were strong I'd do anything to be with them 'til I get exhausted...the rest, who just came and left like the wind... nothing much to remember about and probably already forgotten.
And my present..? well, I'm now left with none 'coz just lost one... one that I'd do anything for to be with too. She did give me a new whole chapter and a different perspective in looking and things. It was something really different. It was nice...wonderful when everything went well until I was slapped to consciousness at the end of it. Just needed time to get used to some reactions, some expressions and some gesture jargons that in time I could understand.
Anywayz that's if I've got the chance....one more chance that I'm hoping for. sigh...oh well, wait for her lor... now I can't do anything also. afraid my lack of sleep makes me do things I might not even full know about and start to regret once it got slipped out. That I can't believe I actually did such things to her. I was utterly sorry. But coz of that she is hating me...and she said 'so much' with 'forever'...Strong words with even greater emphasis. haiz...oh well....
So as for now...think I should just do some searching...search within me. to see WTF is wrong with me that makes me go through life like that. Also to give myself a push to getting some things settled...my feature career is at stake damn it!
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